5447 hits

That's how many times my webpage has been viewed in the past four years. That blows me away. And i really wish that i had more to say.

paralyzed, part ii

In less than a week it will be eight years....

Eight years since what, you might say, but if you have been reading, watching, observing, known me for any length of time, you probably already know, even if you couldn't have marked the date on your own. i'm going to be 26, and i feel so old, entering my late-20's. i know i'm young to so many others, but to me, when i look back at where i was, what i've done, who i've become, i feel old.

It's been eight years and i'm still paralyzed. i thought that night was freeing me, it was full of so much hope and promise, but instead it was plunging me into darkness. i used to be an optimist. Megan laughs at me, says that i was always a pessimist, but if that were so then i would not have made it the past twelve, thirteen, fourteen years. i would have committed suicide if i were a pessimist, but i held on to hope, as slight as it was. Now i feel as if i have no hope but i've come too far to change my mind, to change back to who i was, to undo what has been for what might have been.

i don't believe in killing myself, not that i think that i would go to Hell for it, but i couldn't look God in the face: i would die all over again for the shame of it, letting Him down like that for my own selfish reasons. As much as i am angry at Him i still fear Him, respect Him, love Him. i don't know how to hold on, keep going, rise above, but if i were to give up in such a final, fallible way, then i would cease to be.

We small creatures are caught in a black hole of nowness, of the sensation that the world will end if our lives are sad, or hard, or even happy, and easy. We think that death is the end. It is only the beginning. It blows the mind when one realizes how infinite the universe is, how it never ends, and never begins. i sit back and wonder how it can exist at all. God created everything, infinitely large, with one word, out of nothing, out of void, and yet He was in the void and knew. It is one of many contradictions that define Him. At that moment time began, before that there was no reason to mark it, and now time will always be marked but will someday lose all meaning. We feel the clock ticking now, but one day the clock will mean nothing.

For death will not be the end.

We will live forever and ever, whether in Heaven or Hell.

The weight of that staggers me. My mind will never stop reasoning, feeling, learning, wondering. My body will die but my new one will never fail me, even after millenia of millenia. Will we get tired of always being, way up there? Will we forget our old, lost life, or be able to relive it over and over again? Now i wonder what it would be like to be thin, to be able to see perfectly, to be blind, to be deaf, to be able to fly, will that matter at all in Heaven?

i can't go to my happy place anymore. i know, it's stupid, so Happy Gilmore, but it's important to me. The thing of it is, i usually went to my happy place when i was in church, or at class, during a particularly boring sermon or lecture. i would stare out the window, or at the ceiling, or close my eyes, and imagine myself twirling on grass, singing, walking on a beach, enraptured. That is too far away now. Now when i try to go it is tainted with what ifs, and dreams that are beyond my reach. Everything is beyond my reach. So many dreams but no talent or time or strength to accomplish them. Trying to go to my happy place makes me feel even more lonely and unhappy than i already do.

i cannot imagine being in my happy place, being in Heaven. i can imagine myself bowing before God, laying my crowns at His feet, bathing Jesus' feet with my tears and wiping them dry with my hair, flying through air, swimming through water without running out of breath, flying through space.... But those things, however true they may be, are too far away for me now. How i am ever going to get from tonight to tomorrow to next week to next year is beyond me. And it is all i have been doing for the last eight years, for hope long ago failed me. i am still a fool, and i still hold on, but i do not yet know what will be.

i wrote twenty-one months ago:

The trick to not feeling absolutely crushed is focusing on God. It's difficult to do this when i cannot see, hear, or feel Him, but i remember Him, i know Him. He loves me; i have faith that He's allowing all of this to happen to me so i can become a better person, so He can be glorified in my life, so He can use me in the way He chooses. It doesn't matter what i want, it matters what He wants.

It's so hard to hold onto that, to make sure that i hold all of that hope in my mind. Having hope is a struggle to me now. It blows me away that He trusts me enough to leave me in this place for over seven years when i feel lik i don't even have the strength to get through each day.

I'm not perfect, i'm making a fool of myself. I try so hard, but i end up trying to ignore all my hopes, dreams, and spiritual pursuits just so i can get through a day with a positive attitude. I constantly feel paralyzed, like even if i try to lift myself up off the ground it's an exercise in futility. i don't like who i am becoming, i don't see how this is glorifying Him, and it makes me impatient and angry and selfish. All i want is to serve Him and that just gets stripped away.

It's hard for me to write about this: i don't want anyone to know about the mask i still end up wearing despite my best efforts, i don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want anyone to know how weak i am when i have fought so very hard.

i read more of the things i have written here, and realize, my words are my art, and they help me even now. i am so much farther into the darkness than i was even then. My sentiments are the same, only multiplied who know how many times.

Why am i stuck here? Why can't i move on? Why doesn't my life get better when i have strained, and sweat, and cried, and bled so much??? i am still a little girl, hiding in the dark. On Grey's Anatomy tonight they said that "Fear is good, it lets you know that you still have something to lose." Does that mean that not everything is lost yet? Because i am afraid that it is lost, that i will never recover from this, that i will always be the little girl huddled alone in the dark. i want to be J.K. Rowling, Katherine Heigl, David Beckham, and i know that sounds ridiculous, but please bear with me.

David saw Victoria/Posh on tv and says: "Who is that? I'm going to marry her." Katie says that everything in her life is happening so fast that it's overwhelming, that there's so much good that it's hard to take in. Jo went through a divorce, was on welfare, and wrote the book that wouldn't do well, that wouldn't sell, and is now one of the richest people on the planet. i don't want money, or fame, just to be rich and famous; i want to be overwhelmingly happy, to be giving away my money, to be telling the world what God wants me to say and have people actually listen to me--to Him--because i'm famous.

In real life everyone ignores me, and they don't even realize it. i'll be excited about something, sharing it, and no one listens, no one cares, it goes in one ear and out the other. i'll need help, advice, have help, advice, to give, but they don't pay attention, they don't help, they don't take my help and screw themselves over in the process. i'm a nice person, but i'm not going to force you to listen to me, take my help, stop looking like an idiot. People tell me i'm too loud, then why is that so much of the time i'm inwardly screaming at the top of my lungs and outworldy whispering "Why won't anyone listen??? Did i just stutter? Should i have yelled out loud instead of talking in a normal tone? Should i have sweared, or insulted, or pulled your hair, or punched you, would that have made a difference???"

i know that there are some people who read what i write, but i still feel like i'm in a vacuum, a void. i hope you, the reader, get something out of my words, because so often i feel as if they are fruitless...

...but i have to write them.

i feel compelled to write.

i have to write.

But what do i have to say?

i've already said it.



Will i always be here, huddled in the dark? Will i ever truly fall in love? Will anyone ever fall in love with me? i have looked at men, said to myself, "He's the one," and he never was. How can a person move on when they are caged in the dark? How can they be loved when they are so ugly inside? On the outside? No matter how beautiful i am, will i always be the "fat girl"? Will i always be the girl with the lisp? Will i always be the socially backwards outsider that doesn't know how to connect with other human beings and feels miserable and hates herself for it?

i hate being sick and tired and alone and worthless. i want to be healthy, and alive, and beautiful, and loved, and a really useful woman (lol with tears streaming down my face). i'm afraid that i'll always be alone, that i'll never have children, and i know i'm not ready. i don't want my imzadi to see me like this. My hope is in God, not in a man, or a child, anyone but the Christ-child, the Messiah, the Redeemer, the Lover of my soul.

My wound is laid bare again. That is the way it should be. It hurts to breathe not because of my congestion or sore throat, but because of my need for Him. i will always need Him, i cannot stop needing Him, and that is why i wait, not because i have the strength, or wisdom, or faith, but because i have the weakness, the doubt, and the fear. i will always be His little girl.

It is four days until my anniversary. i cannot go on, i do not know His will anymore, if i was ever right, or if i have always been wrong, but i will still wait for Him, even if it takes another eight years. Do not be proud of me for that, i have done nothing at all... but give up.

stuck in my head... and heart

the storm is coming but i don't mind ~ people are dying; i close my blinds ~ all that i know is i'm breathing now

i want to change the world instead i sleep ~ i want to believe in more than you and me

but all that i know is i'm breathing ~ all i can do is keep breathing ~ all we can do is keep breathing ~ now
~ Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson



there are no guarantees in life ~ not for the present nor for the future ~ all i know is that i'm here ~ don't know for how long ~ i love the way you live so intensely ~ enjoy every minute of life ~ with space to swing your arms around ~ laughing loudly

unlike me ~ unlike me ~ do you think i'm strange ~ unlike you ~ unlike you ~ i am not pretending ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ time doesn't really exist

the past, the present, and the future ~ are all side by side, hand in hand ~ you move and change yet you go nowhere ~ everything stays the same (the same) ~ you stare at me and ask me questions ~ makes me nervous (mm) ~ this room it keeps a constant tone ~ while i'm on a roller coaster

unlike me ~ unlike me ~ do you think i'm strange ~ unlike you ~ unlike you ~ i am not pretending ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ time doesn't really exist

i dream ~ more life ~ i dream ~ more ~ time
~ Unlike Me by Kate Havnevik



i climbed up a mountain and looked off the edge ~ at all of the lies that i never have led ~ is one where i stayed with you across the sea ~ i wonder do you still think of me ~ i carry your image always in my head ~ folded and yellowed and torn at the edge ~ and i've look upon it for so many years ~ slowly i am losing your face

oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away

sixes and sevens we live on jet planes ~ so many faces i don't know the names ~ so many friends now and none of them mine ~ forgotten as soon as we meet ~ all of these moments are lost in time ~ but you're caught on my head like a thorn on a vine ~ to forever don't mend me and i wonder why ~ do i wish that i'd never known you at all

oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away

the sun and the moon of an ocean of air ~ so many voices and nothing is there ~ but the ghost of you asking me why ~ why did i leave

oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away

and i lose your hand through the waves
~ The Ocean by the Bravery



take a look at my body ~ look at my hands ~ there's so much here that i don't understand ~ your face saving promises ~ whispered like prayers ~ i don't need them

cuz i've been treated so wrong ~ i've been treated so long ~ as if i'm becoming untouchable

well contempt loves the silence ~ it thrives in the dark ~ the fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart ~ they say that promises sweeten the blow ~ but i don't need them ~ no i don't need them

i've been treated so wrong ~ i've been treated so long ~ as if i'm becoming untouchable ~ i'm a slow dying flower ~ i'm the frost killing hour ~ sweet turning sour and untouchable

oh i need the darkness ~ the sweetness ~ the sadness ~ the weakness ~ oo i need this ~ i need a lullabye ~ a kiss goodnight ~ angel sweet love of my life ~ oh i need this

i'm a slow dying flower ~ frost killing hour ~ the sweet turning sour and untouchable

do you remember the way that you touched me before ~ all the trembling sweetness i loved and adored ~ your face saving promises whispered like prayers ~ i don't need them

i need the darkness ~ the sweetness ~ the sadness ~ the weakness ~ oo i need this ~ i need a lullaby ~ a kiss goodnight ~ angel sweet love of my life ~ oh i need this ~ well is it dark enough ~ can you see me ~ do you want me ~ can you reach me ~ or i'm leaving ~ you better shut your mouth ~ and hold your breath ~ you kiss me now ~ you catch your death ~ oh i mean this ~ oh i need this
~ My Skin by Natalie Merchant



we'll do it all ~ everything ~ on our own ~ we don't need ~ anything ~ or anyone

if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world

i don't quite know ~ how to say ~ how i feel ~ those three words ~ are said too much ~ they're not enough

if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world ~ forget what we're told ~ before we get too old ~ show me a garden that's bursting into life

let's waste time ~ chasing cars ~ around our heads ~ i need your grace ~ to remind me ~ to find my own

if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world ~ forget what we're told ~ before we get too old ~ show me a garden that's bursting into life

all that i am ~ all that i ever was ~ is here in your perfect eyes ~ they're all I can see ~ i don't know where ~confused about how as well ~ just know that these things will never change for us at all

if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world
~ Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol



2 AM and she calls me cuz i'm still awake ~ "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? ~ I don't love him ~ winter just wasn't my season" ~ yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes ~ like they have any right at all to criticize ~ hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason

cuz you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button girl ~ so cradle your head in your hands

and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss ~ just the day he sat down to the flask in his fist ~ ain't been sober since maybe October of last year ~ here in town you can tell he's been down for a while ~ but, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles ~ wanna hold him ~ maybe i'll just sing about it

cuz you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button boys ~ so cradle your head in your hands

and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe

there's a light at each end of this tunnel ~ you shout cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out ~ and these mistakes you've made ~ you'll just make them again ~
if you only try turning around

2 AM and i'm still awake writing a song ~ if i get it all down on paper ~ it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to ~ and i feel like i'm naked in front of the crowd ~ cuz these words are my diary screaming out loud ~ and i know that you'll use them however you want to

but you can't jump the track ~ we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button now ~ sing it if you understand

and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe
~ Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick



i'm on my knees ~ only memories ~ are left for me to hold ~ don't know how ~ but i'll get by ~ slowly pull myself together

(oh) i'll get through this (oh)

there's no escape ~ so keep me safe ~ this feels so unreal

nothing comes easily ~ fill this empty space ~ nothing is like it seems ~ turn my grief to grace

i feel the cold ~ loneliness unfold ~ like from another world ~ come what may ~ i won't fade away ~ but i know i might change

nothing comes easily ~ fill this empty space ~ nothing is like it seems ~ turn my grief to grace

nothing comes easily ~ where do i begin? ~ nothing can bring me peace ~ i've lost everything ~ i just want to feel your embrace

i love you
~ Grace by Kate Havnevik

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yesterday i missed the bus and walked six miles to work. i wouldn't want to have to do it again, i got a blister, and it wasn't really that bad, but i was so tired at the end of the day. Not really sore, just exhausted, kind of like the feeling you have when you get out of the pool after swimming laps, like your body is just too heavy all of a sudden and it takes a bit just to get used to walking. Coming back down to earth after being in zero-g must be something like that, only a hundred or million times worse. i actually fell asleep at a somewhat reasonable hour, at 12:30 am, and slept for eleven hours straight. i was that tired.

Today i weighed myself and i'm the same, holding steady at 30 pounds lost. Which isn't a bad thing, i would rather stay here than gain some, but i know that it's because i've been drinking more soda again and not been as careful about what i'm eating. i've had chips for the second time since i've moved here, and we're being less careful about what we buy when grocery shopping. Right now i'm trying to drink more water, that will be the next step, and hopefully i'll be losing more weight soon.

Today i'm applying for a job working for a TV Guide channel reality show. You can see the ad on Craigslist. i don't know what the schedule is like but i don't see how i can turn it down. If i get the job and it conflicts with Megan's work i'll help pay for the babysitting or something, but i think it would be a great opportunity for me. Interviews are next week, and the correspondence i have so far has been promising.

Megan's acting like we can't go to CO for Christmas now, maybe if i get this job we'll be able to make it, i really want to go. It would help if she worked more often, but that's difficult with the way i'm scheduled at Hancock Fabrics. Not to mention that this job is driving me into the ground. i really don't know how i get through each day, though the music on my iPod helps.

empty

It has been very difficult for me not to feel worthless and/or unappreciated lately. Megan has been really oversensitive and accusing, my boss has been demanding and for the most part ignores my efforts at work. i have had insomnia for weeks, am still exhausted at the end of every work day, and i have at moments resented others' lack of understanding or caring that i am giving so much and getting so little in return.A few days ago i was sobbing over the dishwater, abhorring the fact that i was acting like my Grandma and feeling the part of the martyr while simultaneously wondering why my life is always like this and why it's been so long since i've cried.

i'm going through several incoherent things all at once. i wish that i could do more, that i was more helpful and stronger. At the same time i feel put upon. i've given up on my dreams again to be here. i know that to the outside world that i always look like i'm just living off my relatives, but what no one ever seems to realize is that i receive little benefit from such arrangements, that i participate in them because i'm trying to have a servant's heart or because i have no other choice. No one looks out for me. My wants and needs fall to the wayside, are ignored because there is little if anything i can do to pursue them, and even trying to is depressing in itself and much more trouble than it's worth. i am not in control of my life, i gave it up a long time ago: it's been about eight years since i gave God full rein to do what He would and said i would trust Him to guide me, provide for me, use me. It is still hard to trust Him, to have faith, but i cannot take control back when i never really had it in the first place.

Throughout all of this i am trying to tell myself that i am really useful, gifted, needed, wanted, when deep down inside i never feel that those things are true. i recently read that if someone gives you a complement that you should never disagree with the person because to do so is to say that you don't trust his/her judgement and is therefore insulting. i always disagree with compliments because i never think that anyone can or should think anything good of me. i'm not a good singer. My writing is nowhere near as good as i'd like it to be and all my stories come from God or something i'm working through in my life. i'm fat. i'm alone.

i'm always alone. Satan always tells me that i'm worthless, and i always believe Him. i tell myself that i'm humbling myself before God. i tell myself that my father has never approved of anything i've ever done in an attempt to find his approval. The only men that say good things about me, encouraging things, are already married and so very unavailable. Not one single man has ever shown the slightest bit of interest in dating me, loving me, marrying me. i am so alone, living out one of my worst fears. Even if i lose weight, started dressing more sexy, wore makeup every day, did my hair every morning, would it matter? What good is it to change who you are in order to attract a man when all you want is to be loved unconditionally for who you are?

So i lie alone in the dark every night unable to sleep, sexually and emotionally frustrated, spiritually bereft. i try to write poems, stories, draw, nothing changes the dark truth or makes it easier to bear. Why would any man want to be with a needy, desperate, depressed girl like me? Oh what i would give to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, to never have to worry ever again about a career, paying bills, supporting myself, and being unhappy for the rest of my life.

i ignore all of this most of the time. i live with it because i must, because it is who i am and i don't know how to change, despite my best efforts. i say that i am not depressed but i don't really know that. i can live for months while ignoring how i truly feel deep inside. i have tried living without a mask but i know this only scares people away. i see little reason to be happy, when i can't support myself, where all of the things i hoped to achieve in my life have never been within my grasp, even attempted. Did i make the wrong choice when i didn't expect my parents to support my dreams when i was fourteen, so i never even brought it up? When i never stepped out in faith and moved to LA no matter what the cost? i've felt like an adult for so long, but even as an adult i am forced to play the part of a child so very often.

God has been silent for nearly eight years. i am nearly twenty-six and i can't believe it. i'm burning, burning, not for any one man, just so empty and unfulfilled inside. i know i should look to God for fulfillment but a husband is meant to represent His love for the Church, or is that backwards? All that i know is that i am in danger of falling into despair and hopelessness that is too deep for rescue. i don't want to give up, i don't want to fail God, but i truly do not know how to go on, how to keep serving Him, how to not give up on all His promises forever. i don't know how to wait for Him, for a husband that may not exist, to be at peace with where my life is. i don't know how to be alone and yet that's all i've ever been. i cannot see Him, hear Him, feel Him, touch Him, taste Him, what good is my faith? It isn't enough, i will surely fail him, and i do not have a Gollum to save me.

i have no friends. i have no social life. i don't know how to let people in, they always hurt me when i try. i want to write about love, life, hope, and i have no business doing so. i have no experience, i have no knowledge, all i have is theories that for all i know are completely wrong and off base. What am i doing???

i don't know how to go on, but i am way beyond such labels. i have felt this way before, not knowing how to get out of bed in the morning and face the world, go to class, go to work, be half of a human being and seem normal. It does not matter what i can or cannot do, for i ran out of tries, of ability, of strength, long ago. What does it matter if i try or give up? i am worthless, remember? It is all out of my hands. i trust God like a fool and huddle in the dark. My spiritual life is so much more real than my physical one, but Satan cannot truly touch me, only mock me with half-truths that betray his fear. Still, i am afraid. i don't know how to do what God is asking of me. i don't know how to get through the night, let alone the next day, week, month, year. i always marvel at the passing of time because i don't know how i have withstood its darkness or retained even a sliver of faith. But just when i think i'm done i decide to keep trying anyway. Like i said, i'm such a fool. Oh well.

searching for a new job

Sooooooooo... the boss cut my (and everyone else's, so she said) hours this week, didn't post the schedule on Friday so i had to call in for it over the weekend, then she's rude to me over the phone because i'm taking her away from her customers (i guess she is actually working on the floor this week, go figure), and i still don't know my entire schedule today, just that i'm supposed to come in at four. She told me she wanted to give me more hours, i said no, Megan's gotta work, she still gives me screwy hours and Megan can't work. So as soon as may be i'm getting a new job and saying goodbye to the two-faced woman. Am i actually on her bad side now? i don't know why i would be, i work my butt off for her and she's the one who's trying to revise the terms i was hired under. :rolls eyes:

So i've been looking on Craigslist but nothing legit seems to be forthcoming on the work at home market. i've applied one place and the rest seem to be scams. i don't really care to work in retail and last i checked the tv stations still weren't hiring so i'm hoping this one job pulls through for me (hello prospective employer if you're reading this!). Otherwise i don't know what i'm going to do for sure. i've considered sticking it out through Christmas break and quitting then, but i really don't want to stick it out that long. Of course i may have to: have to work, right? Got so many bills.

On another note i think i'm going to go to Mesa State online next semester, four courses r the minimum for full time, and internet courses are supposed to be super easy. i hope so cuz i need my gpa to come back up. Otherwise i will have to start paying off my student loans and i really don't have a way to do that short of enlisting. (: That's what Andrew wants me to do, but i'd still have to lose another 70-80 pounds. Gotta aim for something, but i don't know if this is the choice for me.

Creative juices have been flowing at the wrong times and are thus stifled and lost. Stress doesn't help. But i've been taking lots of photos of puppies! and wishing i had a better digital camera (like that's in the budget!). Gotta finish getting ready for work now. ): At least it's a short shift.

silence is weird

i really feel like i have no time to do anything when i work for eight hours a day. Work is always very consuming and exhausting. This is obvious when you've lost twenty-five plus pounds and you're on your feet the entire time you're at work. But i'm trying to improve myself, because as much as i originally liked my job i now dislike it. i love working with fellow WoW player K. but manager L. is just a pain in my rear. i can't stand people who say one thing and do another and expect one person to work hard, follow the rules, while not even caring when her pets don't do the same thing. i work hard to make sure our customers are satisfied and the store looks presentable but a lot of fellow employees could care less. They seem to make work harder for others on purpose. Plus L. says that my blue jeans look too "comfortable" while letting her supervisor T. wear ratty sweats, flipflops, and other dress code unworthy fare. Oh, and a lot of my pants don't fit anymore, some of them actually physically falling off me if i'm not careful, which i suppose is a nice problem to have, but i don't have the money to buy replacements at present. So suffice to say that i'm still working but am looking for a better job. i hate complaining so much but i hate it more that my complaints are so valid, otherwise i wouldn't make them to begin with.

On another note, i have posted a personal ad at craigslist (very hesitant but sort of desperate, isn't that great to admit) and have already received three replies (if you can call them that). i'm not looking for freak and deek, but really don't know how to meet a local guy. Everyone who comes into work is already involved with a girl (that's probably why he's there, he's with her) or is gay. i have not met one single guy at church. i have no extracuricular activities, no prospects, and am going out of my skull. After the roller coaster infatuation of earlier this the year and inexplicable development of attraction to an entirely different coworker later on, i desperately want a new relationship. Have i talked about this here? It was too fresh before.

i had the worst crush on one of the unmarried meteorologists at KJ. i was beside myself, i could not deal, he reminded me so much of Grandad and i was desperate with what ifs and hope when he turned out to be dating and utterly unavailable. It took me a long time to get over him, and then i started developing an appreciation for a certain flirtatious and humerous morning producer but he didn't seem interested so nothing happened. And then i moved away.

i'm so sick of meeting guys, getting interested, all for naught. i love my sister but i don't want her to be the only person i know in Savannah. Maybe i should figure out a better way to meet guys, but i don't know what to do. Anyways, i know i'm psychotic, but it sure would be nice to find someone to at least hang out with. At least at KJ i felt like i had a social life. (:

hurrah

So i just thought some people might like to know that i have lost twenty-five pounds since i moved to Savannah. i've started wearing my blue jeans again, something that i haven't been able to do in months. It's a really nice feeling. Maybe at Christmas i'll be able to get some of my old clothes out of storage and start wearing them again. It's been so long since i've lost any weight that it's pretty unbelievable. i am so sore all the time from standing on my feet so much at work! But hopefully it will be worth it in the long run. (:

meme

i wanted to do an art meme i saw at DeviantArt but can't draw worth beans. Instead i cheered up reading Aunt Leigh's blog and saw a meme she posted months ago. It will have to suffice instead (and sorry, i'm posting it here, instead of myspace).

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
ONE.
Word.

1. Where is your cell phone? chair
2. Describe your boyfriend/girlfriend/S.O.? invisible
3. Your hair? longer
4. Your mother? e-mailless
5. Your father? carless
6. Your favorite item? internet?
7. Your dream last night? forgotten
8. Your favorite drink? Coca-Cola
9. Your dream car? jeep
10. The room you are in? bedroom
11. Your ex? nonexistant
12. Your fear? loneliness
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? mother
14. Who did you hang out with last night? Andrew
15. What you're not? patient
16. The last thing you did? yell
17. What are you wearing? nightgown
18. Your favorite book? OotPhoenix
19. The last thing you ate? cupcake
20. Your life? confused
21. Your mood? annoyed
22. Your friends? none
23. What are you thinking about right now? joshua
24. Your car? Ruin?
25. What are you doing at the moment? typing
26. Your summer? move
27. Your relationship status? single
28. What is on your tv? tonka
29. When is the last time you laughed? bobby
30. Last time you cried? addison
31. School? abandoned?

Copy.
Paste.
Answer.
Questions.
In.
ONE.
Word.

Whew, that is hard, and makes certain answers confusing.

which is not to say...

...that there is any reason to praise me. i often feel when i am talking about how God seems to have exalted me that i have then exalted myself too much. i have trouble accepting compliments, and i think that it's for two reasons, firstly because i rarely feel as if my father approves of me and secondly because i feel as if my life should only glorify God and if anything good comes from my actions it is merely because He has used me, not by any power of my own.

Furthermore, i do not mean to put others down who are in a different stage of their relationship with Him than i am, merely encourage them to pursue God's will and guidance in their own lives. i am fully aware that many are comfortable as they are, and while that bothers me it is also not for me to judge. i am simply not content to accept the status quo, never have been, and i am no longer a mundane. Some people see the world as they perceive it to be, others see the world as God perceives it to be, and i am tired of ignorance and cruelty and hatred being perpetuated in His name.

The modern too church judges too often and restricts the Spirit's freedom to move too often. When every minute of a service is planned out, is unable to be changed at need, is restricted to what the ministers have planned out to the letter, there is not room for God to move as He would wish it. When we limit our interaction with Him He reciprocates in kind. If we do not expect Him to move in a great way, then He won't, if we do, then He will, but also He does not respond to our every bidding. We must surrender and allow Him to move when He wants to.

i want to beg forgiveness for what i am saying, but i can't. i actually feel that God wants me to write these things. i will not accept that God cannot be as present today as He was when Jesus walked the earth and as the church grew. i will not accept a lifestyle and system of beliefs because any man tells me to believe it, i must test it against God's Word and the Spirit's council. i will not allow myself to fall prey to the legalistic who perpetuate and ideology that God did not intend to be implemented. If i must stand alone then i will. i don't expect people to understand what i am communicating, or accept it, but i will rejoice if they do. i don't expect my family to appreciate my ministry, but i will rejoice if they do.

Being a Christian does not equal an easy life where everything you want to have is given to you by God. God's love is not dependent upon or indicated by how many earthly belongings you obtain, which is to say that if you are poor or struggling then that does not mean God doesn't love you. Far from it! But blaming Him for the hard things and saying that He is not being true to His promises is incorrect, misleading, childish. A lie that the church seems to have perpetuated is that if you are a Christian then you will always be happy and "blessed" with ease of life, good health, etc. This is foolish, for we see throughout the Bible that God's people have forgotten His blessings during times of peace and turned to worshiping other gods or themselves. Going through hard times tests our faith and makes it grow and strengthen. Science has proved that a tree that is not tested by the wind will never send its roots down deep enough to anchor its adult form, instead it will eventually become top heavy and fall over.

Being sad is okay. Growing often hurts, but that does not mean we are abandoned. Having joy does not mean smiling all the time, acting like you are happy when you aren't and putting on a mask: it means that you have hope. The world does not have hope, when it sees our fake smiles it is not won over. They know that life is hard, they're realistic and usually don't accept the supposition that becoming a Christian will make life easy. It won't, so stop believing that lie. That's one that Satan uses us to discourage God's children and make them turn away from Him when things are hard. But with God, all thing are possible, which isn't to say that they will happen, but they could happen. The question is always "What is God's will?"

God doesn't want us to be sad or poor or sick, He wants to bless us! If there is something hard you are going through, there is a reason for it, maybe not one that you understand, or are supposed to, or can, but He has a reason for it. Do not forget that God is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and loves you. Love is the key, this is what the world does not understand, nor many Christians. They mistake lust, a fleeting series of hormonal surges that they want to act upon recklessly, for that which is only obtained and given by sweat, tears, and true passion. Which is not to say that infatuation does not have its place in a Christians' life: God made our bodies to be this way, but He also gave us minds to temper our actions. But true love grows from more, from the point where you choose to keep giving of yourself, even when infatuation has worn off, even when lust is gone, even when it is so hard that you feel as if you will perish or be scarred beyond beauty or redemption forever.

Serving God isn't easy, don't ever let anyone tell you it is. But it is beautiful, filled with pain mingled with hope, tears mingled with laughter. If God's Son suffered, so will you, but so will you be glorified in the end.

shiver me timbers, i have a bone to pick

i have not been writing because i've been simultaneously avoiding feeling and trying to figure some stuff out. My life feels very uneventful. Until about a week ago i was playing World of Warcraft at every available moment, lately not so much. i was trying to level my two characters with my sister's (and so, not supposed to play alone, not that it's enjoyable to play alone) that are at the same level, and now we have all four at the same level, but she is so involved with her guild that there isn't much time for me. i have a Blood Elf Hunter and Troll Shaman that are awesome. i don't care for my Undead Lock or Draenei Pally overly much. We're supposed to start playing a Tauren Druid (me) and Tauren Shaman (her) on a RP server but there just isn't enough time in the day and i've been spending time leveling my Shammy and missing my Hunter and now i just want to play the Shammy but still miss the Hunter (can i have a Shunter or a Hammy, please?). i'm conflicted and wish i was already to lvl 70 but don't like playing alone and am sick of stinking pugs with mush for brains, or people who ninja or don't care what they agro, or being blamed for stuff that is totally outside my control. i'm tired of healing with a shammy that i want to dps with and sick of trying to get my pet to do what i want without getting the nth degree.

Ah, i have no life. And in a way i don't care. WoW every day, day in and day out, what's bad about that? (;

In RL i am working at a Hancock Fabrics that is not in such a safe neighborhood. i like my job, but it's exhausting to be on your feet eight hours straight. My manager wanted me to work five days this week and how am i supposed to do that and enable Megan to work too? Impossible, which totally negates my entire reasons for coming here. Which i embrace and fight simultaneously...

On my last night in Whitewater i was flipping mad because i felt like i was being pulled in a million directions. i started writing a poem about it but haven't been able to finish it. i am not in quite the same zone anymore and can't quite put into words what i'm feeling and working through. It just seems to me that it never works to put God first, then others, then yourself, because myself never has anything left over and what if God's needs conflict with the others'? i still end up feeling guilty and p.o.'d no matter what i do or how hard i try and then guilty that i haven't tried harder and righteous cuz i worked as hard as i could but did i really?

Which just puts pain to a lot of things i've been working through. i feel like the church has totally misconstrued God's intentions in a lot of ways, and i don't exactly know if i'm being stupid and sinful, or if i'm on to something. Am i being nonconformist for a reason? Am i truly meant to be a prophet? Or am i just being a stubborn ass who won't move in the direction my master wants me to? Case in point, the word ass is in the Bible and Red Foreman uses it so eloquently. However if the word was actually directed at myself by my father or anyone else i doubt that i'd feel amused or uplifted. But i've grappled with the idea of cursing a lot lately; i learned to curse from other Christians, and what the Bible says is not to put others down, not to not use certain words. So is not cursing at all merely legalistic?

So here's my bone to pick: why has the church become so legalistic? i feel like we're Protestants are a bunch of Pharisees and Catholics are a bunch of Saducees or vice versa. And i see such hypocricy in the church that it just blows me away and scares me. Here are a few examples:

Nudity is bad. Sex is bad (except when married). Dancing is bad and only leads to sex, so don't do it. Even when married, do not discuss sex ... So, uh, Adam and Eve must have been sinning even before they ate the forbidden fruit. God was crazy when he designed our sexual organs and therefore, by default, sex. Married people with your marital problems due to lack of intimacy and communication: go somewhere else for help. Oh, and don't get me started about the Song of Solomon or David dancing in the streets of Jerusalem.

Drinking alcohol and doing drugs is incredibly horrible! Don't even think of doing it! ... Why did Jesus turn water into wine and then later command his followers to eat bread and drink wine EVERY SINGLE TIME believers meet together?!?!?!? Come to think of it, why did he create drugs of any sort, naturally in nature, or give men the brains to make fake ones??? And is caffeine a bad drug, too? Is it a sin to have a Coca-Cola or a Java Chip Frapp? Is water or oxygen a drug, too? Because i am totally and hopelessly addicted to both, and i've tried stopping, but my body pretty much rebelled.

Card playing is bad. Gambling is bad ... We all know what happened when Jonah was dumped overboard and been swallowed by that fish. And what an awful way to have fun with your family.

Movies are the Devil's work! ... This is the same sort of mentality churches had about novels in Austen's time. My question is, why did God give us an imagination if He didn't intend us to use it? How dare we even talk to each other, tell historical tales, learn how to write letters and words in order to communicate, then learn how to write fiction! Of course several of those steps were entirely necessary in order for God's Word to be recorded in the form of a book....

Back to the sex issue: if you cut back, you'll have fewer kids, and for some reason that's what we all want. Children are a danged nuisance if you ask most people in the church and the world. Breast feeding is utterly offensive, don't do it. Babies and Toddlers only scream, send them to the nursery and pay people to care for them instead of coming to worship themselves. Children are loud and obnoxious, send them to public school so you can get them out of your hair. Don't teach them anything, don't trust them, don't raise them to be Christ-like, expect them to rebel and whine about it when the don't listen to you or get in trouble. Try to control their life throughout high school and college (when it's too late), tell them not to get married until they hit at least 25 (they're too young to know what they want out of life), then badger them until the age of 30 to get on the ball and give you grandkids, then chew them out at the age of 35 when they won't stop having them. Make sure that they know that the career is what's most important, that and perpetuating the cycle that was created before your own time ... DON'T HAVE BABIES AT HOME, DON'T TEACH KIDS AT HOME OR RAISE THEM IN gODLY LIVING, DON'T YOU DARE TELL THEM HOW TO LIVE OR TRY TO RAISE THEM ON YOUR OWN, YOU'RE TOO DUMB!!! ... Meanwhile abortion is bad, birth control WAS bad (but is now expected of you), children are the bane of existence (have i mentioned). How about we let the entire Human species die out or start figuring out how to clone people instead? Oops, but then people wouldn't have souls. WHAT IS GOING WRONG WITH YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY, THE LITTLE WHIPPERSNAPPERS HAVE NO RESPECT!

rofl... No wait... <the writer lets out a piercing scream of horror and fear>...

God made us to appreciate sex, enjoy sex, desire sex, have sex to procreate, have sex to bond with our spouse, and that's it (but i imagine it must be pretty great, all the same). CHILDBIRTH IS NOT A DISEASE, it was what the female body was designed to do, and if it doesn't it can get sick. God designed breasts for feeding babies and the formula makers are only formulating pale copies of the perfect real deal. Children are supposed to be raised by their parents, not figuratively blind teachers who are either underpaid and doing it cuz they love it or are one of those who could not find anything better to do with their lives. Children are a blessing from the Lord and it is up to Him how many children He gives or takes away. Anyone that has a heartbeat has a soul, so yes, abortion is murder. Respect must be given and earned to be received, how about you give love and start acting like an adult and we'll take it from there?

Sarcasm is the recourse of a weak mind ... Complaints against sarcasm are the recourse of those who can't come up with a good retort or face reality.

A couple of weeks ago i was watching an old Homicide:Life on the Street rerun and one of the characters said that you have to know your weakenesses/sins and love them because they're a part of you, too. He said that unless your vices rub against your virtues and are tested then they are worthless (paraphrased, of course). His words rang of truth; how can you know that you truly believe something if you've never questioned it? i am nowhere near as eloquent as him right now, but surely you get the gist: assuming makes an ass of u and me.

We are meant to read God's Word for ourselves and discern for ourselves in which way that God wants us to live. We are meant to live for God alone, and not ignore our own needs, or put others' needs before His, or be selfish and/or rebellious about giving our time and efforts. Where does Jesus tell us to start being legalistic, bind ourselves to new man-made holy "law"s, or ignore His example? i don't know if i could ever be the mouthpiece of God, but i am terrified by the trends that i see in today's church. The most important Law is "Love Your Neighbor as Yourself," but how can you love your neighbor if you hate yourself and how can you love yourself if you hate God's will and vision for your life?

In many ways i have hated the past seven years, nine months, plus, of my life. Others are always trying to sabotage my service of God, and yet i have been completely dependent on others for survival. i hate it when others judge where i am by with worldly yardsticks and yet i find myself doing the same thing. At every turn i question God, i try to understand, i beg Him to explain, i beg Him to deliver, i beg Him to answer me, i beg Him to take care of my needs instead of making me depend on others' grace. Two thought-provoking verses from last week's Bible study stand out in my mind in answer to these questions.

The first is John 1:5: "The light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness can never extinguish it," or, "...and the darkness has not understood it." This suddenly made perfect sense to me in many ways. In my minds eye, the past seven plus years have been spent in a cage, one of God's making. i lament my inability to see Him, feel Him, escape (ironic, when all i want is to be with Him, isn't it?), and have struggled to comprehend the events of my life. i can see myself naked, curled up in the dark, my eyes blinded, my body broken. But at the same time there are times when it is as if i can feel my skin on fire, on fire in a good way, a tickling, itching, new skin growing way. i can feel the star on my forehead, reflecting God's light, picture in my mind's eye the barcode on my neck that has been marked Paid in Full / It is Finished by Jesus, savor the sting of the trinity circles that are also tattooed into my wrists and soul, and feel the itch of the flaming wing that lie nestled in my shoulder blades, longing to burst into life. i sound like a fool, but i know that these marks are a part of me, whether they have been marked on my earthly skin and can be seen on earth or not, i believe that when i stand before Jesus that everyone will be able to see them as i can feel them, etched into my very being. i am wearing a tiara, just like an elf in LotR, and one day i will lay it at His feet, but the burns, reflections, light, will still remain.

So if all of these marks remain with me, and i can still not hear, touch, see, feel Christ, God, the Spirit, what then is the explanation? But as i read John 1:5 i knew, deep within, it is because my body is not capable. God is with me in the cage, but He is the bars that keep out the dark and keep me safe. The Spirit is with me in the cage, He is the air i breathe. Jesus is with me in the cage, knows that i long to anoint his feet with my hair, even if my hair is/was gone and i cannot touch him, He is the light i cannot see, a black light that i will never be able to physically perceive but can feel etched into soul and spirit and mind and flesh. If anyone looks at me with God-given spiritual eyes they will see me as i am, wrists marking that i belong to Christ, a neck marking my freedom, wings waiting to fly, and a crown that will be given to God someday. My body is a cage, but one day i will be freed of my residual self image and see myself as i really am, that is to say, how God sees me, his mental projection of my spiritual self.

The other verse that struck me was not part of my Bible study, it was quite by accident. Ever since i got a cover for my Bible i have kept its bookmark ribbon squarely on the same verse: Proverbs 3:5-6. When i close my Bible i usually pull the ribbon down (towards the bottom of the pages) so that the Bible will close smoothly. Last Tuesday i actually turned to that page, which isn't unusual, but i actually read the verses. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths."

The world's, and church's, and my epidemic is thus: we do not trust God, we try to depend on our own understanding. Most of us, i believe, must not really want to see God as He truly is, rather as we want to see Him. People have a small view of God and don't want the ceiling of their cathedral to be broken open, for cathedral ceilings are majestic enough as it is. But what of me? i asked God to show me Himself as He really is, not as i want Him to be, and yet even i am still clinging to my old version of Him. i see the sky, and sometimes the stars, but He wants me to look past the stars. Now i cannot possibly comprehend what is past the stars, but sometimes i try to, sometimes i am quiet and still and for a few thundering heartbeats i see God as He really is and cannot comprehend it, and then He closes my mind off again before it explodes. But even with my mind closed i struggle to see past the boxy cathedral and reach for those stars, knowing that they represent God in a tangible way, for He not only created them in the instant of one breath, He is the stars and lives between them and lives beyond them forever and to the nth dimension.

God put me in this cage as surely as He has caged my mind. People tell me that my husband is not ready for me yet, that is why i have not met him yet, and i know they are wrong. i am not ready for Him, i feel as if i am, but God tells me that i am not, so i know that it is true. He has caged me because the world is not ready to hear what i have to say, rather, what words He will say through me if i ever prove to be worthy enough to whisper them. i am caged because i am not ready to fly, and if i leave the nest i will die. i am caged because of the beast that prowls outside as a lion, seeking to devour me (1 Peter 5:8).

Oh, that God would put a coal to my mouth and cleanse my lips! i would take it in my mouth like Harry's snitch to cleanse my tongue, throat, lungs, if i could. i am forever crying out, "Here am i, send me!" but God is still too far away for me to comprehend. And now i see, plain as day in front of my face, that i'm not supposed to be trying to comprehend, i'm supposed to just believe and seek His will. Who can really seek His will by taking the Bible out of context, create new Laws, twist His teachings, and shield their heart against the starlight? How can i seek Him unless i let go of my understanding and do His bidding no matter what the cost. Meanwhile, i'm still a WIP.

no lullabies for Andy's kids

You'll never believe what puts them to sleep: Rammstein.

babysitting today

what i'm watching ~ Larry-Boy and the Fib from Outer Space

We arrived in Savannah in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Megan slept a few hours, then went to church with Joshua, while Alice and i had a lie in. The last hour of driving Megan was at the wheel and though i was trying to stay awake to talk to her so she could stay awake it was proving impossible. i kept falling asleep mid sentence. After church we went grocery shopping at Wal-Mart (as the fridge was empty) and vegged out for the rest of the day. i went online to see if any of the local tv stations were hiring for a position i could fill, but none in Savannah were.

On Monday Alice had a doctor's appointment and had to wait an extra hour for her shots. It felt like we were there for over four hours, but it was probably closer to three. Next we went to the fabric/craft stores: JoAnn's is hiring seasonal help, but i also picked up aps at Hancock Fabrics and Michaels. We stopped at the mall and i found out which stores are hiring via customer service. By this time we were hungry and tired, so we went home and i spent an hour filling out my applications. i saw that Macaroni Grill was hiring on the list, that they wanted applicants to come in on Wednesday from 2-5, so we decided that we would go job hunting again that day.

On Tuesday Megan went to work and all went well until the final half hour when Joshua got very fussy and i ran out of breast milk. Most of the time he is happy playing or swinging. Alice cries for Megan at first but otherwise is pretty happy as long as i feed her on time and she gets her nap. She likes to watch PBS and VeggieTales and isn't happy when i turn off the tv.

On Wednesday we got a late start, not leaving the house until around noon. Megan picked up her perscription sunglasses and then we headed off to Hancock Fabrics. i talked to the manager for a couple of minutes and it sounds like she would like to hire me in a couple of weeks (she's training someone else at the moment but knows she needs to hire another). At Michaels and JoAnn's it was basically a drop off: i wanted to talk to the manager at JoAnn's but she was too busy. At the Macaroni Grill the hostess told me they were hurting for hosts so if i put that on my ap then i would probably be hired for sure. The only downside i can see to a job at the Macaroni Grill is that employees are supposed to stand 100% of the time they're at work, and that can be exhausting if you don't have the right shoes. We then ventured into the mall, Megan doing some shopping and i picking up applications. i filled out an app at Gymboree and picked up about five or six more, one for a great little place called Torrid (i believe) where there's only plus sizes and its got great clothes (the sizes are 1, 2, etc. for 1X, 2X). i miss working at a mall, i had a blast working at Wherehouse, and didn't get depressed at all, even when Megan said that she doesn't want to go to Charleston this weekend for American Idol auditions. A bummer i guess, but i was never going to hold my breath about it, and what am i going to do without a car or gas money? i need a job, quick!

Today Megan's at work again, and she will be again on Saturday most likely. Joshua was sitting up yesterday (i got pics, but they're not uploaded yet) and today had some rice cereal but is currently fighting zzzzs. He doesn't want the swing at the moment so we're laying on Mommy's/Megan's bed.

Savannah has been so hot (the upper 90's) and very humid so we've only ventured out in it one night, and it was still horrid. i fell off my longboard skateboard for the first time and have been a little sore but no bruises or abrasions. Give me September so the mosquitoes will die, cool weather will ease in, and i'll have cash again.

the budding entrepreneur

Well i've certainly had a weird week, between continuing to clean out Hanover House (my grandparents' place), kicking back, and expanding my activities on the internet to business. For the first time ever i've listed items on eBay. At DeviantArt i opened a shop to sell prints and other objects. What i couldn't create at DeviantArt i'm slowly creating at CafePress, where i hope to eventually branch out into t-shirts, bumper stickers, and greeting cards. Oh, and i uploaded some photos to Facebook, but that has nothing to do with money.

Tomorrow morning we should be leaving to return to Savannah, but now i've got to get ready to do so. Oh, but please feel free to visit my shops and purchase some merchandise. (:

prints at DeviantArt
Art Attack at CafePress

Blume and other events

Well i spent a week in Kansas City with mixed happenings but good results. i mainly attended the Blume conference (July 9-13) because my sister, Katie, was excited about it and wanted to go, but i needed the vacation after working overtime for three months. Its been a week since i started writing this post, so i know that i left some details out, but i need to capture some of this for posterity.

On Sunday night we went to Transformers, which was stupid, because i didn't fall asleep until two in the morning. After the movie i was still awake and ended up reading Chamber of Secrets for a while, which i really wanted to finish, but i knew i needed to sleep, so i finally fell asleep and it was time to wake up way too soon. i turned off my alarm at six and fell back asleep, and about an hour later my sister woke up and we were on our way.

On Monday we intended to drive to Denver and go to the Museum of Nature and Science, where there is a special exhibit on the Titanic as well as an exhibit on Egypt and the mummies. But on the way from GJ to the Front Range there were three big construction zones that required us to go down to one lane of traffic, slowing down significantly. We were also in the Geo Tracker, which does not handle hills well, let alone mountains, and we kept getting stuck behind people going even slower than we were. We finally arrived in Denver two hours before we needed to be at the airport but too late to visit the museum. We stopped at a nearby mall and browsed at a bookstore for over an hour. i finished reading CoS, and then went to the airport early, but we still turned out to be the last teens/collegiates in our group to arrive.

i didn't know anyone. Some of the girls seemed familiar but i don't know that i'd met them before, i just sometimes feel as if i've met certain Christians before when we're introduced. So i settled down to read Prisoner of Azkaban while most of the girls played "Would you rather -- or --?" There were questions like "Would you rather meet Amy Grant or the President?" and "Would you rather have a unibrow or webbed toes?" and "Would you rather give or receive?" etc. This was rather loud, as everyone inevitably shouted out their answers and caused a ruckus. i took part a little but mostly read my book.

Before going through security we played a game to introduce ourselves, naming an animal (the name of which starting with the same letter as one's name), and combining it with a movement. i said Kristi Kangaroo and hopped. Katie was beside me and upset that i took her animal, so she had to think up another one (not really, but you understand), but someone else had already used cat two or three players before, so i couldn't use kitten or think of anything else quickly. i think someone else suggested the other marsupial, the Koala, which she used. Then we met our roommate (who was the last to arrive) and went through security and made our way to the proper concourse. The flight was delayed an hour by weather in Tennessee, but other than that the flight was uneventful. We were all so tired by the time we got to the hotel, which was around 11:30 local time. i didn't sleep well (still too used to being up all night, i guess) but whatever.

On Tuesday we ate breakfast at the hotel (sold in the lobby and priced reasonably) then went to the Hallmark museum, which i had been to before but enjoyed. i'm not sure they would have found it without me as they were all walking the wrong way. We were walking through the mall, i checked the map as we were getting off the escalator, and announced that we needed to veer right. The only trouble with the excursion was that i was still tired, and my body was constantly in pain of one sort or another, so while the rest of the girls went shopping the four collegiates (two leaders and one freshman, and me) went back to the hotel. S. is going to go to ASU in the fall and we seemed to find quite a lot to talk about while floating in the pool. Then it started to get crowded, so we got out and got ready for dinner. Dinner was at the hotel's Bistro (restaurant) and was exorbitantly priced for our purposes and service took forever. My food came to me lukewarm, tasteless, and made me feel ill.

That night we went to the opening ceremonies at the conference center's arena where the music was way too loud. i couldn't hear myself singing and went hoarse overcompensating. i kept scooting over (across four seats) to make more room for the adult who was sitting next to me, but she kept following me farther and father and bumping into me and stepping on my feet. Most of the speaking i could not understand at all, as it was like shouted mumbling, but what i did understand i wasn't sure i agreed with because there was a lot of talk about learning to love yourself and very few verses quoted that don't say that at all.

That night L. (our adult roommate) turned out the lights by eleven and though she was disturbed several times by text messages from her husband (all before midnight) did not emerge the next morning until i was leaving at nine. This upset me as she knew that Katie was getting up at six and had to leave before we did, and neither of us had money for breakfast (i had two dollars and Katie was broke from the night before, where she shared food and the cost with others). So i went down to the lobby, where i expected to find everyone but instead found no one, and L. appeared and accused me of doing nothing but complaining the entire trip, which i found entirely unfair. She said that i had claimed there were no verses about loving yourself in the Bible but that there were verses about complaining.

This smarted, as i have felt guilty about complaining so much on this blog as of late. At the same time i know that God understands when i need to express such sentiments to Him, and she has absolutely no idea what my life has been like, what i've been going through, etc. The only complaints i made were because she asked for my opinion. Her friend who lives in Kansas City ate dinner with us and they spent the entire time talking about boyfriends and ex-boyfriends and how dumb they had been and the stupid things that all of the involved parties had done. It made me wonder what i was even doing sitting at the same table with them. But when L. asked me how my meal was i answered honestly and said that it was cold. When we got back to our room that night and she asked me what i had thought of the events in the arena i said that it had been too loud for me to understand half the time and that i wish they would have quoted the Bible more often. And when she gets to the lobby in the morning, having been out of bed for ten minutes because i woke her up, and i jokingly say, "Nice of everyone to be on time," not even being serious, she jumps down my throat about complaining. What the heck is that? i didn't even say anything to her about being walked on during worship, ditched by the leader who said "follow me" and then walked off, how inorganized the trip to the Hallmark Center was, or her behavior at dinner. i had answered her questions and kept my bad experiences to myself because i was desperately trying not to have a bad week, rather to believe that i would be blessed at this conference.

So as Wednesday progressed... L. gave me my twenty dollars for meals. The first event for the collegiates was the coffee house, which was supposed to have some breakfast items to buy. Upon arriving it was discovered that a Starbucks booth had been set up, which didn't serve the kind of coffee i like, and the only food available was bear claws, which i have sworn off. i walked down the hall and found a Coca-Cola machine for a dollar, then joined my group again. S. step-aunt had some cheddar on cheddar crackers which she was nice enough to give to me, which was only slightly more appetizing than bear claws, but i was so hungry that they were delicious. L. started wondering aloud why i would dislike bear claws (which have absolutely no healthy ingredients) and i tried to explain that my parents keep goats for the milk, chickens for their eggs and meat, and eat healthy alternatives. While we were waiting we could decorate our name tags and bags with crayola markers and foam flowers, butterflies, etc. But then worship started, and i was soon invested in that. The collegiate band was led by Cindy Johnson playing guitar, her fiance on piano, a guy she used to babysit on drums, and the guy who had gotten her to sing her first solo on another guitar. The sound was still a little too loud for my liking, but the music was pretty good.

For Conference Time One i had chosen "Order My Steps: Making Time for God." The conference was pretty unusual and i don't remember it well. We read several stories that she had printed off the internet and took with us a dandelion that was basically a reminder to take time to enjoy the beauty of God's creation and/or remember that it takes time for seeds/bulbs to grow and that they won't unless you plant them. Its been too long now, i don't remember the gist of it, but it wasn't very inspirational to me. Next we went to lunch in the convention center's food court, which was full of teens. i had to wait a long time to get a hamburger, and ended up singing Relient K to myself (Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet? and Let it All Out). By the time i got my food everyone else had eaten theirs (they bought the boxed lunches instead), so i bolted down my burger and fries in five minutes. Next we went to the Hands On Ministry Experience and made subtraction flash cards for Missionaries who are teaching in foreign countries.

After that was the Muslim Prayer area that i went to alone. A woman who's a missionary to muslim women talked about how muslim women love to socialize with other women by having tea and food. Everyone was given a sash to cover their heads with. Then we learned what the five prayer positions are that muslims use, and prayed in the positions, which was exhausting. The first position is standing with your hands cupped and held up at waist height. Next you cup you hands around your ears and remain standing. Then you bow at the waist and put your hands on your knees. Then you kneel with your head to the floor and put your hands on the floor by your head. Then you sit up, still kneeling, and hold your hands cupped again, like when you were standing. Praying for just a couple of minutes in each position was tiring, though i imagine doing it several times a day one would get used to it. After this we had some free time, and i walked around the downtown area taking blind photos and looking for the food court that i knew had to be nearby because it had been mentioned in the hotel info. Walking around outside was such a mood lifter i cannot even begin to tell you. It was slightly overcast, and the coolest it had been so far, and just lovely to be out and about in.

Next we had worship again, with the opportunity for fifty collegiates to sign up to spend the night in a nearby homeless shelter. No one in our group went, we had pizza for dinner (it was supposed to be our state party, but all the teens had already eaten and were swimming), and then was Night in the Middle East. We did sand art, temporary tattoos that were henna colored and depicted a flowery cross or said Blume and had a bird, wrote our name in another language, and there was one booth for "beauty treatments" that i didn't go to. A can of soda cost $2 from the proferred vendor, so i walked a block and a half to buy a 20 oz. from the same machine that i had visited that morning, which was no longer taking dollar bills and gave us a free soda. Then we sat down on the lawn to watch A Night with the King (or whatever that new Esther movie is called). i kept saying "Gimli!" every time i heard Mr. Rhys-Davies voice and driving Katie bonkers. Most of our group left the movie early: i'd already seen most of it twice on TBN and my hoodie was soaked through because i'd been sitting on it and the grass was wet. So we went back to the hotel and i started watching I, Robot on my laptop, which i had been reminded of because they had said it was important to ask the right questions. I turned it off at ten past midnight, just short of the ending, and fell asleep.

On Thursday i bought a banana for breakfast and had another soda. i set off alone to find ME, and only found it because Katie had been to it the day before and asked me if i'd been to the basement of the arena yet. i made a scrapbook page for my Blume memories, wrote a letter to the troops, wrote a letter to a Chinese penpal, and got a free t-shirt. Activities that i didn't take part in were Karaoke, a petting zoo, blow up gladiator fighting, twister, and obstacle course, dancing the hula, and some quiz show type games. There were some tables set up talking about missions work in other countries and i was was struck by how little the people in France (who were stopped in the streets of Paris) know about Jesus and God.

i attended Understanding God's Will as my next Conference and it was excellent. i don't know if i completely agreed with everything that the leader said, and it was a lot to digest, but i was surrounded by young women who were also going through some hard times. Several girls were talking about being mad at God because they were following their calling but were now on detours. One is attending college and studying to be a pianist and has now broken her wrist. Other girls had stories that they shared. It was overwhelming, impossible to put into words or fully digest, but it felt so nice to know that i'm not alone in feeling abandoned or betrayed by God. One thing the leader did say was that God doesn't have it out for us, He genuinely wants us to be happy, and that's been hard for me to remember lately. i went to lunch alone, looking for the Pizza Hut Express i had seen the day before but instead finally stumbling upon the food court, which turned out to be one block over, one block down. i had ribs and fries; the serving turned out to be huge.

Next it was off to You Can Be a Missions leader, where S. and her step-aunt were as well. We talked in groups about how we are serving right now, how we hope to be serving in the future, what we can do in our own churches and communities. We had worship again, girls talked about the Poverty Experience (shelter), there was a video about a woman who was sold into prostitution by her family in a country that used to be a part of Russia. i was so overwhelmed by all that had happened on this day. Cindy talked about not being discouraged by detours, that God is still guiding us, which put into words what i had been trying to grasp during Understanding God's Will. You see, growing up i had always heard in church that if you aren't going forward then you are going backwards, and this is something that has not seemed to ring true in my life over the past seven years. i haven't moved away from God, i have merely been trying to follow Him, but i feel like i can't find Him, i feel lost. i wrote a prayer during the service, talking to God openly about how i felt, and it was right.

After dinner was "Fun Times" which turned out to be a panel for the band where we could ask them for advice on relationships. Cindy and Steven are engaged to be married in November. Cindy's friend tours with the group and is single. The drummer has been dating his girlfriend for six years. The guitar player had divorced his wife and has since remarried her: he says that playing with the band keeps him on track with God. The session was funny and informative and i was in tears by the end of it. Cindy was talking about finding the man you're meant to be with, that you need to keep serving God and when you meet the right guy it won't be hard, you won't have to struggle to be together, but your ministries will already coincide with one another and strengthen each other. Later she talked about when her grandmother made biscuits and would sift the flour and praying that God would sift out the parts of her life that He didn't want, that He would throw out what He didn't need. At this point i was balling my eyes out because this is exactly what i have been going through, struggling to give to God, the concept that i may have to stay single, that He might not want me to get married or have kids. But i still want Him to be able to use me, so i've had to pray that He will take those desires away from me if that's His will.

The last conference i went to was I Just Do What the Voices Tell Me to Do and was led by another friend of L.'s, in fact this was the only conference i had seen her attend and she had gone to visit this friend several times over the course of the week. Her first friend also attended this conference, at which she admitted that she had been married before. But this session was about peer pressure and what it really means to be a moral person. i saw some quotes and magazine ads that really disturbed me. The leader said she was 31 and still single and sifting was still fresh in my mind. i went back to my room, mentally and physically exhausted from the day. i had twisted my ankle that morning, and both my legs were cramping, and i didn't want to go to the concert for a singer i'd never heard of. i watched the end of I, Robot and then watched Minority Report, which i hadn't seen in a long time. i also talked with two sisters who were returning my cell phone charger (they had forgotten theirs) about some of the features to look at when buying a computer to use at college and the pros and cons of a flash memory drive.

Friday morning, our last day, Katie and i packed everything up and got ready for the day. We had one more joined worship session that both bands played at. The main speaker, who i had not really enjoyed up to this point (in fact, i found it impossible not to fall asleep during her message on Wednesday night) talked about meeting the woman she was named after for the first time. i'm named after Christ, so this was an interesting concept for me, i know i will meet Him someday. i wanted to write something about what she said, but i knew i wouldn't remember it even as she said it, and now it's been an entire week. But she said to bloom where God plants you, i remember that.

After the conference we went back to our rooms to make sure we had packed everything, checked our luggage in the lobby, and rode the bus to another area of town. There was some shopping, and a museum, but i mostly sat in the food court and talked to the other girls. One of the things that had been said in You Can Be a Mission Leader is that teen girls feel more comfortable talking about their problems with collegiate women because they just went through high school and some of the same problems. i hadn't gotten to see that much of the teens over the week, most of our activities were the same but entirely separate. i spoke with S. and several other girls about things they were going through. One girl told me about her friend who is anorexic and cutting and she doesn't know what to do about it; she's afraid everyone will hate her if she gets help for her friend and the principal doesn't seem to care. i talked with her for quite a while, wishing i could help her more, because even though i'd had two friends with the same problems (one who cut, one who was anorexic and bullemic) i didn't really know what to do about it still. i've prayed for her, and encouraged her, but ultimately it is always in God's hands.

After lunch we went back to the hotel, got our bags, and rode to the airport. It turned out that Katie had left her bag at the hotel in the lobby (with a t-shirt in it, among other things) and she was upset about it. Our bag was now five pounds overweight, but we were sharing a bag, and the lady didn't charge us. i got online to check my e-mail, listen to some music (i forgot my iPod in the car at the airport parking lot), and kill some time. Jeremy Camp's "Carried Me" had been stuck in my head all day, and it was slowly becoming clear to me that though i felt lost that Christ must be carrying me, for i certainly haven't had the strength to follow Him on my own power as of late. On Tuesday or Wednesday i had started writing a letter to another friend with the same name as S. (but spelled differently) but still haven't gotten around to finishing it and sending it (sorry!). i showed S.'s step-aunt my work on Deviant Art, and it turns out that she likes to paint with oils and liked my drawings in particular. S. was off to Phoenix, but almost everyone else was flying back to Denver on the same flight, but not L. We sat in the back of the plane this time, me reading PoA between a teen and one of the leaders. We had to circle the airport once before landing, which freaked out the girl (she was by the window), but everything was uneventful. Katie and i took a bit of a scenic route from Denver to Idaho Springs, which was beautiful, and then played games that i had missed on Thursday night because i didn't go to the party where t-shirts were being given out that night. We were laughing so hard that at one point that i couldn't breathe. We got home at about 11:30, and i was so tired that i was singing to stay awake and drove straight to Grandma and Grandad's instead of dropping Katie off (she had fallen asleep sometime after Glenwood Springs, where she got tea, then spilled it on herself when we got back in the car).

Saturday was a block party for VBS so i helped Mom out a bit by taking Grandma and Grandad to the house for some sorting, then talked with Mom at the park. Afterwards i went to the theater and ended up seeing OotP with Sam, from work, and meeting her husband for the first time. They changed a lot in the movie (from the book), which didn't make me dislike it, but it was strange.

This week i have been packing, cleaning, and recuperating. On Wednesday morning i had my wisdom teeth removed and now i have chipmunk cheeks and am bruised. Tomorrow i'm flying to Atlanta to drive with Megan and her kids back to Colorado for the cleaning out of the grandparent's house and a yard sale. Tonight i'll be attending a dinner theater with Frankie, and later will buy Deathly Hallows at midnight and most likely stay up all night reading it, before taking the Greyhound to Denver at 5 a.m. so i can make my flight. Of course i just checked to make sure my last paycheck had been deposited to my account and it hadn't, so hopefully that just means that it's being held for me at work. i better head on over there.

American Idol auditions

Well some prelimenary info is finally up for the newest round of American Idol auditions, and they'll be in Atlanta on August 14 and in Charleston August 18. So i have two chances to go this year, as i'll almost definitely be in Savannah in August.

American Idol auditions are a tricky thing for me. There was one year i thought about going and then decided not to try out, two years where i wanted to go quite badly and couldn't make it, and last year i didn't even pay attention to it. i've been told several times from different sources over the past five years that i should audition on the show. i've been singing in choirs for a long time, and don't know if that is what i want to spend the rest of my life singing professionally, but it could be a great opportunity for me as a career platform. Somehow i've always felt / known in the back of my mind that season seven would be the year for me, and here it is, season seven. When i was applying at Full Sail i knew that it would mean missing American Idol auditions, or at least conflict with being on the show were i to be accepted, so in the back of my mind i have felt pretty certain that if Full Sail fell through that American Idol auditions would be my next goal.

My voice is not at its strongest right now: i haven't been in a choir for over a year now, i just haven't had the time. This week i've been trying to sing more, a little bit every day, building my voice back up. i need to start doing warmups again, like we did in Mrs. Niles' class, if i'm going to be serious about this. More than anything i need to leave this up to God and in His hands. But i have always known that i love to sing, that people enjoy my voice, and that if i'm doing it for God then He will use the gift He gave me to His own glory.

Something that really bothers me about the music industry today is how fake people are when they're singing on late night tv shows or on shows like Today and GMA. They're dressed in a certain way, groomed in a certain way, everything is choreographed, and everything rarely seems genuine. i don't want to be that as a performer. i know that God is going to use me to change the world, and it's not going to be of my own power, it's going to be using the methods He chooses. i can't change to world, i don't have the power, i don't have any idea what needs to be done, i have no right to assume that i have all the answers, but i've known for as long as i can remember that He would use me because i am open to Him.

Something that i have been struggling with a lot lately is surrendering everything to Him. i always feel like i have, i tell Him over and over that everything i have and am and ever will be is His, but then He points out an area where it isn't really true. i don't know how to give up on the dream of getting married and having children; i would give up everything for these two dreams to come true, everything and anything. Being an actress, writer, singer, director, those are not my biggest goals; wife and mother is my biggest heart's cry, but i don't know that it's in God's will anymore. There was a time when i was sure He would give those things to me, but now i don't know. So i'm trying to reconcile the possibility of always being alone (in a sense of being single), childless or barren, a virgin. Yes, i will not throw my virginity away, but that doesn't make it easy at all. It's hard to give up these dreams when they were wired into me before i have memory and are what i believe every woman is called to be.

Some other things that i don't know how to deal with is my anger, impatience, and helplessness. i don't know how to be stronger. i know that i can't do anything without God, but somehow i feel that He's expecting more of me, strength and faith that i cannot give because of my feelngs of betrayal and anger. Everything around me lies to me that He doesn't care, that nothing in my life will ever get better. It's been so long that i believe the lies more than i believe God, even though i know full well that they're lies.

Watching the newest Pirates of the Caribbean speaks to me with its concept of waiting ten years for one day together, and i believe in the sanctity and purity and strength of love, and as much as i love God i don't think that i can wait ten years for Him, especially if it's only for one day. The music from that movie, the track entitled One Day, speaks to my very soul, is part of my being, as if it was known before it was heard. i cling to the last hope that i will always be faithful to God, that i would wait ten years if that is what it would take, even while knowing that i have failed Him, that i cannot wait ten years and do not want to. This seventh year in the dark night of the soul has been one of shame for me because i have practically given up on seeking Him. His Word promises that if we take one step towards Him then He will run to us, but i do not know which direction to take that step in, i have wandered aimlessly, searching with all that is in me, and He does not answer in a way that i can hear, He does not run to me, He still stands apart, watching me from afar. This feels like a betrayal of the worst kind because i have striven to give up everything that He has asked of me. i cannot give up Him, but at the same time i already have, i cannot keep wandering, i have no strength left, so i wait, and i pray from time to time, but it hurts too much to give as much as i know i should and wish i could. Still i cling to the hope that my one day will come despite the fact that i hardly know how to hope anymore.

Hand in hand with these issues are my anger and impatience: i'm mad at God for His silence, because i'm single, because i'm still a virgin, because i'm not a mother, because my life stinks, because i am doing nothing to changing the world. i have tried telling myself that the world isn't ready, my future husband isn't ready, i cannot support a child, but over the months and days i have begun to wonder if it is me who isn't ready. i don't know what to do, i don't know who and what God wants me to be, but i do know that i don't want to have this anger and impatience in my life, i don't want to pass it down to my children as it was passed to me, and i feel helpless to change it. i don't feel the same way towards my father as i once did, i think i've finally forgiven him and seen some of the good qualities in him that i couldn't before, but i feel powerless when it comes to breaking the cycle. i get annoyed when playing video games and the controls don't respond as i feel they should, when driving behind or around slowpokes and crazy drivers, when the kids get too loud and i have a headache or am overtired. i don't want to embody the negative qualities of my parents. Glenn Beck was talking about this a few days ago, he said that we have to replace those behaviours / attitudes / actions with new ones or we'll simply do what we were brought up observing. So what do i replace the negative with? i need to figure this out before i start repeating the mistakes, not afterwards. i don't know how to do this.

i've become selfish, not entirely in a bad way, but in some ways definitely. i'm tired of letting people take advantage of me, but i'm not sure how God wants me to act, to stand against injustice or turn the other cheek. Jesus did both things within His lifetime, what is His will for each situation? Is it always the same? i see so many things wrong with the country, the church, the list goes on, but am i supposed to be the one to bring change or let it go? What is it that God wants me to do??? i would be happy being the wife of the man who brings change, the mother of the person who brings change (though i don't think there's enough time left for that), the production assistant of that person, the friend of them, who am i to assume that it will be me? But i think it is me, i keep wondering if i will be a prophet, if i have enough faith to perform miracles as the disciples did, what it is that God wants me to do. It's not about me, it's about my willingness to be sent, to do His will, to do something that others may not be willing to do. i am willing to die for Him, the question is if i have enough strength and faith to live for Him. But i don't know the answers, i am still a work in progress.

feeling rich... for a couple of weeks yet

So i finally got my money back from Full Sail, the day after receiving an insulting financial aid offer (only a month or two late). This week i am working sixty hours and also putting on my timecard the six and a half extra hours of overtime that didn't make it on my timecard last week. i had my teeth cleaned yesterday, will go in again for something to be done to the root that never fell out all the way (that tooth was pulled nine years ago). i also made an appointment for my wisdom teeth removal; they require a third of the money up front (ouch), i may look into their competitor today. i just want this over with.

In other news, my hopes for a puppy were dashed as Andrew doesn't want an indoor dog, but i bought a longboard online for about half the price that it costs at Traz (the local skate/snowboard shop). i want to start running a bit, too, which may be a pipe dream, but i want to eventually take up Parkour.

what i'm knitting ~ done with another part of Katie's Christmas gift, now to make it a pair; next i'll work on the next part of Sammy's gift (i found a pattern)
what i'm listening to ~ my iPod
what i'm reading ~ just finished Sorcerer's Stone, Chamber of Secrets is up next
what i'm watching ~ the next disc for Quantum Leap Season Two and Grey's Anatomy Season Two should arrive in my mailbox later today, Wallace and Gromit were good to me the day before yesterday

wow

27 days until Deathly Hallows and 17 until Order of the Phoenix!!! i can't believe it, it seemed like it would never come, and now it feels like it's coming really fast. i can't wait to read the book, and i wonder if the movie will do the book any justice.

interesting song

Linkin Park was on Jimmy Kimmel again tonight (rerun) and i remember noticing this song the first time (i've probably heard it other times, too). i like their lyrics and wonder if i should check out more of their songs.


Linkin Park What I've Done Lyrics

laugh so you don't cry

My newest trainee quit!

Hahahahahahahaha!

He sprung it on me, but is wife is due any day and he got a job offer at the community hospital that pays a lot more than here, so i don't blame him at all. But this means that i have to work this weekend again and it was set to be my first weekend off in over two months. Isn't life ironic?

tears and falling asleep

On Tuesday morning when i got home from work i found Oreo laying in the living room in an awkward and unusual position. As soon as he heard me he started meowing loudly and with distress. i could see that he was hurting and/or scared and called Mom to let her know that i thought that the cat needed to be put down. She called Grandma for me.

We had been expecting this for a while. Oreo was very old and ever since Christmas he went to being very fat to having skin hanging off him. His fur still looked healthy but for the past month i haven't been able to discern that he was eating at all. i put down bacon and salmon for him (once each, a week apart) and as far as i could tell he didn't eat any of either (the smell of the fish in particular usually brought him running into the room as soon as the can was open). On Sunday afternoon i let him visit me in my room, which was a rarity, it was only the second time he'd been on my bed. The first two times he tried to jump up he missed, he didn't make it up, which i thought was odd but didn't think about since he seemed perfectly normal. He was demanding attention for a while and then took a nap. On Monday he was hiding out per usual, mostly napping, but didn't even pay attention to me.

But on Tuesday morning i could tell that the time was upon him. His body was rigid, particularly his back legs, which he couldn't seem to move. His tail was limp. His front legs were weak, but he could push himself up with a lot of effort. His body seemed to be twisted and frozen in an uncomfortable position. i didn't know if i should pick him up or try to move him. He meowed a lot more if i left him alone or picked him up. His mouth was dry, his breath smelled awful, and he had a weird mucous on his lips. At one point i tried taking him to his water dish but he didn't seem interested in trying to drink and seemed more upset on the tile floor than on the carpet, so i took him back to the living room. i also noticed that his eyes were cloudy and dialated and was pretty sure that he had gone blind. All i could do was sit next to him and cradle his head and touch his front paws (he kneaded against me like a kitten), everything else seemed to distress him, even normal petting.

i was crying a lot. i couldn't stop thinking about watching him be born. i never really got over how much Oreo changed when he started living with Grandma and Grandad. i never hated him, but he was mean for a long time, he wouldn't let me love him. It's only been the past nine months that he's had anything to do with me. And he was in pain, and scared, and i couldn't do anything about it except take him to die.

Mom brought me a check for the vet and i drove him to the hospital. He was very upset during the car ride. i think he's always hated cars, but i also put him in his box and he wanted me to hold him and pet him and i had to drive. i walked in and there was no one else in the waiting room, there was two receptionists that i spoke to and helped me fill out paperwork. A cat jumped up on the counter and was curious about who was in the box. They asked me if i wanted to stay with him, and i said yes, because i did not feel right about just leaving him there when he obviously wanted me with him and had been waiting for me to come home for who knows how long. We talked about whether we wanted to bury him ourselves, or pay them to put him in a general grave, or they could cremate him and give us the ashes (which costs a wopping $75 and change). Having them bury him was the cheapest and easiest option.

i was ushered into an exam room and three people came in: the doctor, a nurse, and someone else who just watched. He (the doctor) talked to me about Oreo's symptoms and looked at him a little bit and explained that they would basically be giving him an overdose of a sedative. He said that as far as they knew it was painless and he would just fall asleep, then die. i said i understood, and i did, i had already known this. The nurse was there to held him down if he struggled, but he was too weak really, so she mostly pet him. The doctor had trouble finding a vein and kept switching legs, but he was already really bad and didn't have much circulation. The nurse said that normally he would be fighting and not like what was going on at all and that he probably would have died pretty soon had i not brought him in. The doctor asked if Oreo was a friendly cat and the nurse and i got a good chuckle out of that (the obvious answer being no). We then talked about Oreo's health declining and the doctor said his symptoms were indicative of diabetes, which was common for a cat his age, and i said that i thought that might have been the case. Somewhere in here i started crying again and we talked about how much of a grump he was.

They finally got a little in him and i could tell right away that he was more comfortable. He stopped fighting, and might have been asleep by then, but he never closed his eyes. The doctor said that he was feeling better but they would have to put it in his heart because his circulation was so bad. The man gave me a tissue and left, the nurse brought more of the drugs and left, and the doctor and me were with Oreo as he died. The doctor had to inject him in his heart twice, but he was alive for quite a while, just breathing peacefully. i kept petting him even though i knew he was probably unconscious and unaware. i could feel his breath on my hand because i was also cupping his face. And then he stopped breathing, and the doctor listened for a heartbeat, and said he was gone. He asked me if i needed time alone with him to say goodbye, and i said no, i had already talked to him before i brought him in. He wrapped him in the towel we had laid him on, and i pet him one last time, and then walked away.

Time had seemed to drag on, but the time from when i found him until when he died actually only took about an hour. i didn't cry for very long after he died, and was sad but relieved at the same time. It's still weird not having him around when i come home or am doing things around the house. It's weird, but i actually miss him.