Just the blog... It just didn't seem to have much purpose anymore: it was really only a quick way to find fulfillment supporting the series and never really what i wanted in the first place. All of its content was regurgitated from other sites such as J.K.Rowling.com, The Leaky Cauldron, and MuggleNet. I'd much rather be focusing on the real Lumos Nox right now.
Over the past few weeks in particular i've felt very strongly that someone (me?) needs to stand up and start fighting for Rowling. So many Christians are ignorant about and against the content of the Harry Potter series and it drives me insane. Apathy is something that i'm going to have to write about in more detail here soon: meanwhile i'm working on Lumos Nox whenever i get the chance but Freeservers won't let me update my page right now! But i'm definitely not shutting up about Harry Potter; in fact, i fully intend to be more vocal about it in the future. I may even start a separate site!
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
So let's just call it (the title of this blog) a mood indicator as is a common feature of so many LiveJournals. I really don't feel like detailing what it is that's made me feel down again. It's very hard for me to try hard (pursue God) when everything in life seems to be conspiring to keep me down. I'm trying to be positive but am failing i think. As usual it seems easiest to just ignore it and act like nothing's wrong. I'm exhausted.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
The Real Apocalypse (due October 20th, 2004) ~ NSU post #19
We are the first generation to see our planet from space--to see so clearly its beauty, limits and fragility. Modern communication technology helps us to see more clearly than ever the impact of carelessness, ignorance, greed, neglect, and war on the earth. (U.S. Bishops, 500)"We project onto others what we fear within ourselves" (Kaufman, 422). It's true that we can see the impact of our actions upon the environment more clearly today than ever before but that doesn't mean that keeping nature in focus supports a "fallacious idea" (Carson, 479). Samuelson puts it best when he writes:
Whoever coined the phrase "save the planet" is a public-relations genius. It conveys the sense of impending catastrophe and high purpose that has wrapped environmentalism in an aura of moral urgency. It also typifies environmental's rhetorical excess, which, in any other context, would be seen as wild exaggeration or simple dishonesty. (462)I still view it as wild exaggeration and dishonesty: "environmentalism increasingly resembles a holy crusade addicted to hype and ignorant of history. Every environmental ill is depicted as an onrushing calamity that-–if not stopped–-will end life as we know it" (462). Modern society and the trend of current scientific opinion are obsessed with protecting an “endangered” environment; historians and philosophers assume that no one has cared for the status or our natural home in the few millenia we have lived on this planet (though they, of course, would probably claim the “few billions of years” the Earth has existed and the “few million” mankind has lived). All the experts act as if an environmental apocalypse has come: "we were going to perish of all this, if not now, then soon, if not soon, then someday" (Williams, 452).
I simply do not concur with this irrational fear. "This is not to say that what we call wilderness today does not need careful safeguarding" (Owens, 449), but we must keep it in perspective. I have yet to read a single scientific finding that proves that the world is coming to an end because of what man has done to nature nor when it will happen. God’s creation is just too vast and inexplicable to accurately predict such an event’s occurrence. I believe as Limbaugh does that "the earth is a remarkable creation and is capable of great rejuvenation. We can't destroy it. It can fix itself" (442). But even scientists can’t agree on this subject: from the point of view of many earth scientists man is merely a speck in the flow of time, insignificant in the "millions and millions of years" that earth has been. They say that no matter what we do to the planet, life will go on. Though I don't agree that Earth is as old as they claim I do believe that men of an industrial society are not the first to care for the planet or to harm it. It is true that we forgot this responsibility just as surely as men have puposefully forgotten to worship God. Carson argues:
In the western world our thinking has for many centuries been dominated by the Jewish-Christian concept of man's relation to nature, in which man is regarded as the master of all the earth's inhabitants. Out of this there easily grew the thought that everything on earth--animate or inanimate, animal, vegetable, or mineral--and indeed the earth itself--had been created expressly for man. (479)I disagree with Carson's assessment that such a philosophy is wrong. God created the world for man and charged him with caring for it. This factual arrangement is not changed by her looking down upon it. Adam was the first environmentalist, farmer, and man to use nature, to work it, to protect it. This is a God-given right and duty whether men over the next few millenia understood it or not.
Carson claims that we were once "primitive men" that "lurked in caves" and assigns paralyzing fear to these assumed forefathers (478). But she cannot know what life was like in this fictional beginning: she was not there, she did not interview these supposed cave men. Carson instead rejects the historical document that we do possess that accurately tells us what life was like in the beginning and preaches against a supposed "naive view" where: "A numerous class of men are painfully astonished whenever they find anything, living or dead, in all God's universe, which they cannot eat or render in some way what they call useful to themselves" (Muir, 479) and once again assigns fictional and incredibly absurd villainous ideals upon men.
Over the past weeks I have become increasingly irritated and bored by the content of what I was forced to read for this class. I was asked to form an analytical opinion while keeping faith out of it, but I know that one cannot state a belief or conviction without faith and reason. As the U.S. Bishops point out, "Faith is not a substitute for facts; the more we know about the problems we face, the better we can respond" (501). All that I know and believe and write flows from God; He is the One who shapes my perception of the world and gives my thoughts voice. This is not wrong, this is not an excuse, this is how it is meant to be. I am nothing without Him.
The myriad of essays I have read blatantly declared their opinions on faith and the world, from Thoreau all the way through the U.S. Bishops: I cannot read their words without being offended and appalled or inspired to extrapolate upon theories which are only partially complete. As Awiatka wrote of women:
Nuclear energy is the nurturing energy of the universe. Except for the stellar explosions, this energy works not by fission (splitting) but by fusion–attraction and melding. With the relational process, the atom creates and transforms life. Women are part of this life force. One of our natural and chosen purposes is to create and sustain life–biological, mental, and spiritual. (485)I cannot write a response to these essays without being free to exercise the same rights they did: the freedoms of speech and religion. But to respond to each belief and concept their works contain would take me all eternity. I have been thus been overwhelmed and had to pick my battles. Still, some might find it surprising that my beliefs have scarcely changed at all despite all that I’ve read.
The federal government should not enact environmental legislation. As much as we all want clean air and water this is a waste of their resources and an abuse of power: if such regulations are passed it should be at the state level. The current level of mindless fear that is prevalent is unfortunate and a waste of time: we must educate and enable the citizens of the world to protect the environment rather than force them to follow certain rules. America is built on freedom: the government's job is not to tell us not to hurt ourselves but to punish those who hurt others.
I am not worried about the world being permanently destroyed. As men cut down trees they also plant more in their place. The world can and may survive for hundreds of years to come, if not millenia. As Limbaugh writes: "We shouldn't go out of our way to do damage, but neither should we buy into the hysteria and monomania which preaches, in essence, that we don't belong here. We have a right to use the earth and make our lives better" (442). We will continue to better our lives as well as the lives of others who are not as blessed as us. Still, this issue is bigger than just nature itself:
As individuals, as institutions, as a people we need a change of heart to save the planet for our children and generations yet unborn . . . nothing but a wholehearted and ever more profound turning to God the maker of heaven and earth will allow us to carry out our responsibilities as faithful stewards of God's creation. (502)
I agree with the bishops, but still argue apocalyptic fear based on the state of the environment is misplaced. There is one thing that is blatantly clear to me as I have read these essays and that is that many of these writers have replaced God with Nature. Their fear of sinful and fallible man is, of course, understandable, but all men are so cursed. Being paralyzed with fear of these facts is pointless: one cannot lock themselves in a bomb shelter and avoid living because of a little healthy fear and one cannot stop the future from coming. There will continue to be wars, famines, and natural disasters until the end of time.
It is a waste of time and resources to try to change the minds of the instigators of these events: their hearts must be changed and only God can do this. Instead of dwelling on the fear it would be better for each of us to turn to God, for He is the only one who provides a way of escape. Long after this world is gone we will still exist somewhere: the question is, in which place? Will one accept the free gift that Jesus gave or will one reject God’s love and listen to the wisdom of the world and the desires or their corrupted heart instead? Each man and woman must choose for themselves and continue to search for truth and knowledge. Only when we turn to God can nature truly be saved.
Anderson, Lorraine, Scott Slovic, and John P. O'Grady, eds. Literature and the Environment: a Reader on Nature and Culture. New York: Longman, 1999.
Awiakta, Marilou. “Baring the Atom’s Mother Heart.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 482-486.
Carson, Rachel. "Of Man and the Stream of Time." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 478-481.
Kaufman, Wallace. "Confessions of a Developer." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 414-422.
Limbaugh III, Rush. "The Environmental Mindset." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 440-442.
Owens, Louis. "The American Indian Wilderness." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 448-449.
Samuelson, Robert J. "The End is Not at Hand." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 462-464.
U.S. Bishops. "Renewing the Earth.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 499-503.
Williams, C. K. "Tar." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 451-452.
Economics vs. Environmentalism (October 6th, 2004) ~ NSU post #18
“There is no risk free development. Development is the process of taking risks– financial, environmental, social, and personal.” (Kaufman, 416). Over the past few weeks I have studied the history of America, read the opinions of several of this country’s authors, and began to reshape and even reform some of my understanding about economics, environmentalism, work, and how they are related.
In U.S. History I have learned about how the colonists saw this land as they began to settle it. It seemed natural to the colonists to take over the land: “That which lies common, and has never been replenished or subdued, is free to any that possess and improve it” (Winthrop, Objection I, Answer 1). The British thought the land should be taken away from the Indians because they had left it alone and not worked it. In a time when religious beliefs meant everything to society Winthrop states that “The whole earth is the Lord’s garden, and He hath given it to mankind with a general commission (Gen. 1:28) to increase and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it” (Winthrop, pt. 4). Owens acknowledges when he relates:
I therefore resent it when Americans insinuate that land ownership is unimportant. Stegner claims that the wilderness has:
Limbaugh puts it best when he comments: “It is quite natural to want a clean planet, with clean water and air for ourselves and our children. It is quite commendable to not want to destroy that which enables us to live” (441) and argues against the belief that: “Everything that happens in their deified nature is somehow acceptable” (442). Try as I might, I cannot understand how we can have global warming and an ice age at the same time. I don’t agree with the belief that “God is the earth and that God is nothing more than the earth” (440) nor understand the agony Merwin describes with: “One really wants, hopelessly, to save the world, and one tries to say everything that can be said for the things one loves” (432) because he seems to care more about nature than the ones who are full of life around him yet admits “the trees have risen one more time” (434).
I do understand why people are worried about pollution: I don’t like seeing and smelling large clouds of exhaust coming from the muffler of an old clunker any more than the next man. I do not think there is anything wrong with trying to protect animals, but closing down a construction project and losing thousands of dollars because one worker thought he might have seen one endangered ant is ludicrous. Claiming that an owl can only live in one area is also stupid and was discovered to be false.
It is true that trees take decades to regrow after they’ve been cut down or burnt to the ground, but there are more trees in America now than there were in colonial times But trees are not gods to be worshiped, either: each year trees put out more greenhouse gasses and pollute more than all the vehicles in the world, and if a volcano erupts there is way more pollution in the air for several years (if not decades). Our government refuses to consider better alternatives to trees–such as hemp–that could be used to make paper and other materials for obvious reasons.
As much as I hate to hear that the rainforests are being burnt down I hate even more than farmers are doing this so they can grow the food they need for their families to survive. In my mind man is more important than any tree no matter where it is growing. Scientists are now discovering that forest fires are natural and necessary for the health of a forest. I do not agree with Russell when she says that she will not place the needs of ranchers, her husband, or her children “above the land itself” (437). How can you put the welfare of an inanimate object above the welfare of your loved one or above the welfare of Human beings as a race? Environmentalists all seem to have certain sentimentality that–as much as I love the earth–I seem to have missed out on. Bingham laments that a deer will suffer after her death because the piece of wilderness she owns–and it lives on–will be exploited by her children (425), Piercy the fact that foxes had to find a new den (404). Do these environmentalists (who are almost certainly evolutionists) not believe in survival of the fittest? Stegner claims that we are just animals, that we have domesticated ourselves: why in the world does he have a problem with us using the planet we “evolved” on? Are we not the fittest?
But I don’t believe any of these ludicrous sentiments. I realize that without God there is no morality: the universe screams that it has been created, and all life is precious (Korow). God made us to be creative people, to subdue the land. I don’t fully agree with Wordsworth when he says: “Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers“ (356) because we must get and spend somehow in order to survive.
Traven wrote: “If I were to make them in great numbers there would no longer be my soul in each, or my songs. Each would look like the other with no difference whatever and such a thing would slowly eat up my heart” (365) and I do think that we have lost something since corporations started making cheap junk that breaks in a few years and forming monopolies, but I don’t believe we can turn back time to get it back. I knit, but I’m not sure I want to start keeping sheep to make my own wool. No, I agree with Kaufman:
I propose that if we understand and accept the development urge, we will come closer to solving our land-use problems. We should no more repress the development part of our psyche because some developers pillage nature than we should repress our sexuality because some men and women are pornographers and prostitutes. (416)
“Our work is more than a pastime. It is our life. It takes up years of the portion we have been allotted on this Earth to work out our salvation” (368), there needs to be an in between area, a place with room for what Roszak was talking about:Works Cited
Anderson, Lorraine, Scott Slovic, and John P. O’Grady. Literature and the Environment: a Reader on Nature and Culture, eds. New York: Longman, 1999.
Bingham, Sallie. “A Woman’s Land.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 425-427.
Kaufman, Wallace. “Confessions of a Developer.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 414-422.
Korow, Dr. Dan. “John 3:16 vs Evolution.” Creation Celebration, Grand Junction. 24 Sept. 2004.
Limbaugh III, Rush. “The Environmental Mindset.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 440-442.
McCorkle, Anne. “Rising Conflict - The Eve of the Revolution.” History 131, Grand Junction. 5 Aug. 2004.
Piercy, Marge. “Sand Roads: The Development.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 403-404.
Roszak, Theodore. “Take This Job and Shove It.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 367-371.
Russell, Sharman Apt. “The Physics of Beauty.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 435-439.
Stegner, Wallace. “Wilderness Letter.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 443-447.
Traven, B. “Assembly Line.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 357-365.
Winthrop, John. “Reasons for the Plantation in New England.” 1628. The Winthrop Society. 1996-2003. American History and Genealogy Project. 31 August, 2004
Wordsworth, William. “The World Is Too Much with Us.” Anderson, Slovic, O’Grady, 356.
In U.S. History I have learned about how the colonists saw this land as they began to settle it. It seemed natural to the colonists to take over the land: “That which lies common, and has never been replenished or subdued, is free to any that possess and improve it” (Winthrop, Objection I, Answer 1). The British thought the land should be taken away from the Indians because they had left it alone and not worked it. In a time when religious beliefs meant everything to society Winthrop states that “The whole earth is the Lord’s garden, and He hath given it to mankind with a general commission (Gen. 1:28) to increase and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it” (Winthrop, pt. 4). Owens acknowledges when he relates:
Gradually, almost painfully, I began to understand that what I called ‘wilderness’ was an absurdity, nothing more than a figment of the European imagination. Before the European invasion, there was no wilderness in North America; there was only the fertile continent where people lived in a hard-learned balance with the natural world. (449)The Puritans came to America seeking religious freedom (for themselves, not for anyone else) and displayed the strong work ethic that this country was built on. In the south the colonies were driven to make profits from cash crops such as Indigo, Sugar, and Tobacco. Most of the original southern colonists were of the lower class and wanted to raise their station in life. For over a hundred years they came to the south because they were promised land after serving a certain amount of time; it wasn’t until later that slave labor became prevalent. Here is where America was built: on the land that kept the middle-class colonists alive. It is little wonder that a hundred years later the colonists overthrew royal governors who tried to make them pay for land they already owned, rioted because there wasn’t enough land and Parliament wouldn’t allow the colonies to expand west of the Appalachians, and went to war with England over their infringement upon what they considered to be God-given rights (McCorkle).
I therefore resent it when Americans insinuate that land ownership is unimportant. Stegner claims that the wilderness has:
...helped form our character and that has certainly shaped our history as a people. It has no more to do with recreation than churches have to do with recreation, or than the strenuousness and optimism and expansiveness of what historians call the “American Dream” have to do with recreation. (443).How can he have so missed the point? Our forefathers viewed the wilderness as something to be tamed. They attended church as a form of enlightenment as well as for recreation (for the Puritans it was often their only form of recreation other than the “bee”s at which they worked together sometimes). Owning land was integral to success and fulfilling the American Dream; this is still the case today. It is quite natural for this love of the land has only led to the intense desire that many have to protect the earth. I, too, want to protect the land, but not if Human life suffers as a result
Limbaugh puts it best when he comments: “It is quite natural to want a clean planet, with clean water and air for ourselves and our children. It is quite commendable to not want to destroy that which enables us to live” (441) and argues against the belief that: “Everything that happens in their deified nature is somehow acceptable” (442). Try as I might, I cannot understand how we can have global warming and an ice age at the same time. I don’t agree with the belief that “God is the earth and that God is nothing more than the earth” (440) nor understand the agony Merwin describes with: “One really wants, hopelessly, to save the world, and one tries to say everything that can be said for the things one loves” (432) because he seems to care more about nature than the ones who are full of life around him yet admits “the trees have risen one more time” (434).
I do understand why people are worried about pollution: I don’t like seeing and smelling large clouds of exhaust coming from the muffler of an old clunker any more than the next man. I do not think there is anything wrong with trying to protect animals, but closing down a construction project and losing thousands of dollars because one worker thought he might have seen one endangered ant is ludicrous. Claiming that an owl can only live in one area is also stupid and was discovered to be false.
It is true that trees take decades to regrow after they’ve been cut down or burnt to the ground, but there are more trees in America now than there were in colonial times But trees are not gods to be worshiped, either: each year trees put out more greenhouse gasses and pollute more than all the vehicles in the world, and if a volcano erupts there is way more pollution in the air for several years (if not decades). Our government refuses to consider better alternatives to trees–such as hemp–that could be used to make paper and other materials for obvious reasons.
As much as I hate to hear that the rainforests are being burnt down I hate even more than farmers are doing this so they can grow the food they need for their families to survive. In my mind man is more important than any tree no matter where it is growing. Scientists are now discovering that forest fires are natural and necessary for the health of a forest. I do not agree with Russell when she says that she will not place the needs of ranchers, her husband, or her children “above the land itself” (437). How can you put the welfare of an inanimate object above the welfare of your loved one or above the welfare of Human beings as a race? Environmentalists all seem to have certain sentimentality that–as much as I love the earth–I seem to have missed out on. Bingham laments that a deer will suffer after her death because the piece of wilderness she owns–and it lives on–will be exploited by her children (425), Piercy the fact that foxes had to find a new den (404). Do these environmentalists (who are almost certainly evolutionists) not believe in survival of the fittest? Stegner claims that we are just animals, that we have domesticated ourselves: why in the world does he have a problem with us using the planet we “evolved” on? Are we not the fittest?
But I don’t believe any of these ludicrous sentiments. I realize that without God there is no morality: the universe screams that it has been created, and all life is precious (Korow). God made us to be creative people, to subdue the land. I don’t fully agree with Wordsworth when he says: “Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers“ (356) because we must get and spend somehow in order to survive.
Traven wrote: “If I were to make them in great numbers there would no longer be my soul in each, or my songs. Each would look like the other with no difference whatever and such a thing would slowly eat up my heart” (365) and I do think that we have lost something since corporations started making cheap junk that breaks in a few years and forming monopolies, but I don’t believe we can turn back time to get it back. I knit, but I’m not sure I want to start keeping sheep to make my own wool. No, I agree with Kaufman:
I propose that if we understand and accept the development urge, we will come closer to solving our land-use problems. We should no more repress the development part of our psyche because some developers pillage nature than we should repress our sexuality because some men and women are pornographers and prostitutes. (416)
“Our work is more than a pastime. It is our life. It takes up years of the portion we have been allotted on this Earth to work out our salvation” (368), there needs to be an in between area, a place with room for what Roszak was talking about:
All of us have a gift, a calling of our own whose exercise is high delight, even if we must sweat and suffer to meet its demands. That calling reaches out to find a real and useful place in the world, a task that is not waste or pretense. If only that life-giving impulse might be liberated and made the whole energy of our daily work, if only we were given the chance to be in our work with the full force of our personality, mind and body, heart and soul... what power would be released into the world! (368)It’s true that “they–the company, the system–rarely have any use for that calling” (368). I’ve worked several jobs, been unhappy in most. I still struggle just like the next person to find meaningful work that pays well enough for me to support and better myself–the American Dream. I just can’t believe that succeeding economically and growing as a society is bad. I don’t own land yet, but I hope to one day. I don’t have any desire to work in a convention job and make lots of money and go in debt trying to keep up with my neighbors but I know I must support myself somehow. Limbaugh argues:
We are 4 percent of the world’s population here in America and we use 25 percent of the world’s resources. How dare we be so selfish. Never mind the fact that our country feeds the world. Never mind the fact that our technology has improved life everywhere on the planet. (441)I just don’t think there are any easy answers to any of these issues, nor do I think the environment should come before our growth as a race and a society. I believe that my “desire to change nature” (441) is a gift from God and that–despite our sinful nature–men can be trusted with the future of this planet else God wouldn’t have given it to us. I think God knew what He was doing.
My friends, the earth is a remarkable creation and is capable of great rejuvenation. We can’t destroy it. It can fix itself. We shouldn’t go out of our way to do damage, but neither should we buy into the hysteria and monomania which preaches, in essence, that we don’t belong here. We have a right to use the earth and make our lives better. (442)
Anderson, Lorraine, Scott Slovic, and John P. O’Grady. Literature and the Environment: a Reader on Nature and Culture, eds. New York: Longman, 1999.
Bingham, Sallie. “A Woman’s Land.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 425-427.
Kaufman, Wallace. “Confessions of a Developer.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 414-422.
Korow, Dr. Dan. “John 3:16 vs Evolution.” Creation Celebration, Grand Junction. 24 Sept. 2004.
Limbaugh III, Rush. “The Environmental Mindset.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 440-442.
McCorkle, Anne. “Rising Conflict - The Eve of the Revolution.” History 131, Grand Junction. 5 Aug. 2004.
Piercy, Marge. “Sand Roads: The Development.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 403-404.
Roszak, Theodore. “Take This Job and Shove It.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 367-371.
Russell, Sharman Apt. “The Physics of Beauty.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 435-439.
Stegner, Wallace. “Wilderness Letter.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 443-447.
Traven, B. “Assembly Line.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 357-365.
Winthrop, John. “Reasons for the Plantation in New England.” 1628. The Winthrop Society. 1996-2003. American History and Genealogy Project. 31 August, 2004
Wordsworth, William. “The World Is Too Much with Us.” Anderson, Slovic, O’Grady, 356.
Yearning for the Future (September 22nd, 2004) ~ NSU post #17
Benjamin Alire Sáenz once wrote:
As soon as I began attending preschool I understood the concept of being unpopular and different; I wore both glasses and an eyepatch and was immediately ignored and disliked by my fellow classmates. I was very young but I remember so many things... eating ice cream on grass, running down a hill I shouldn’t have been playing on, learning to swing with a rainbow pinwheel, standing in the shade of trees that had red berries, eating Twinkies out of my lunchbox, and playing on the “fire truck” with the one playmate I was blessed to have. He was as despised as I was but for a different reason: he had a growth disorder. We promised to marry each other when we grew up. I lost him when we moved back to Arizona sometime after I turned five.
In Ajo (the small town I now called home) I quickly became an outcast with my new classmates. I was in kindergarten now and already knew how to read. My teacher would get angry when I started an activity before she had finished explaining the directions... What other reason were they written in the easy to understand words that comprise a five-year-old’s reading vocabulary if not so I could do it for myself? She hated it when I asked questions, would often make me stand by the drinking fountain during recess, would never give me an ice cream bar when everyone else got one. She insisted that I would never be able to learn how to read and wanted to flunk me. I suppose that the other children were afraid to befriend someone the teacher despised so much and by the time they got to know me better my fate was already sealed as someone who was different. I took music in third grade and band in fifth but it was always the same with them: I was always an outsider.
It was from a young age I understood the longing to belong: “Clumsy in body and mind, I knew no place I could go to and feel certain I ought to be there” (Polsgrove, 224). “I was taught as a young girl not to ‘make waves’ or ‘rock the boat” (Williams, 349). My mother began homeschooling me in first grade, and I tried so hard to please her. What friends I had eventually stabbed me in the back. I longed so very much to grow up, to be in the church youth group because they did so many fun things but by the time I was old enough there was no one else in the youth group anymore besides me.
When my father insisted I attend public high school and here I found new ways to be out of place. My first day of school seniors were asking me for help and so I quickly became the brain who no one talks to unless they need help, the know-it-all that everyone despises yet uses. In volleyball–-my favorite sport–-I tried so hard (my eyesight was still a liability) but my coaches despised me and would not let me play in the games unless it was absolutely necessary. Though I had been a well adjusted child before junior high I slowly descended into a spiral of monotony and self-doubt. “The price of obedience” had “become too high” (350). I always had joy despite all of the hard things in my life, but I knew that I was losing the battle. I had always yielded to my parents’ wishes, even when one teacher advised me to quit high school and go straight to college. “Threatening and puffing up your chest is a waste of time. Nobody ever proved a thing in a pushing match, and nobody ever held onto nothing by talking about it” (O’Brien, 334), but I knew I had to do something. I was at my breaking point. “Something was burning, the side of me that knew I was treated different” (315).
There was always “the place I always like to think about” (Kingsolver, 200), but it wasn’t until I lost my “place” of escape that I realized I had one. My grandparents owned a home just outside Yuma in California. It was here that I learned to sew, bake cookies, and wash dishes. I remember curling up behind my grandfather’s easy chair to listen to the TV or read a book. I played with the same Barbies, Lincoln Logs, Spirograph, and Tinkertoys that had belonged to my mother and her siblings. I ran through sprinklers, made mud pies, hang from the same bar my mother had, and built a fort not far from where my aunt and uncle had (though I didn’t use it for smoking as they did). It was here that I fell in love with the local Mexican food, Chinese food that the whole family shares, 4-H BBQ, and have my first memories of Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Each year we would attend the midnight Candlelight Service at the church my father grew up in before returning to my grandparent’s home and sleeping a couple of hours before we woke the whole house so we could open our presents.
My senior year of high school I dropped out. I tried to take correspondence courses but the workload was too heavy. My father, who had come to Ajo because the work was less dangerous than in a big city, now decided to put in for a transfer. Ajo had become part of the busiest sector in the United States. We all moved to Grand Junction, Colorado, and before long we moved my grandparents, too. Their health is failing, so I understand, but their new house has none of the old touches of home.
I understand and long for “the elemental world of water and light and earth and air” (224) because I grew up in the desert. I didn’t always love it; it grew on me over the years, slowly took root in my heart. First it was the rocks that are a veritable rainbow of hues, then the emptiness that’s so big you wonder if it could ever be filled. No one could ever believe that the desert could support life, let alone give it. The arroyo deceptively lies alone in wait, bone dry, but thunder announces this gift, lightning highlights it, and one suddenly understands the name “wash” when the desert suddenly rushes overflowing with the water that is the blood that gives life to the seemingly barren. The cacti grows so green after the winter rains, wildflowers burst into life, and the sun shines so clear: it is everyone’s greatest enemy but what all life stems from. You even learn to appreciate the heat after spending hours in artificial cold. Yes, the desert is harsh but it is also life unexpected. The sun is a miracle each morning, a promise each night as is disappears and the sky slowly unfolds to reveal countless jewels against black velvet. The stars always seem so far away and yet so close.
I can’t return to what I had, so I still search for a new source of belonging, a place to put down new roots, but I never find it. The church I grew up in has succumbed to the politics that my family and I forever struggled to hold at bay. My friends (such as they were) have all moved on. Since I moved to Colorado I have migrated to Virginia, North Carolina, and back again but still feel lost and alone, much as Roque Dalton must have felt when he wrote: “Do you know what exile is? / I’ll tell you, / exile / is a long avenue / where only sadness walks” (310). I struggle to define my adult self, am just as uncomfortable with “the headlong pilgrimage after money and comfort and prestige” as Berry is (224). Yet I also long for the future that I’ve always believed in and waited for, one where technology helps, not harms, all of life’s ills are healed, and dreams come true. I’ve began to wonder if I am only a hopeless dreamer, if all the things my mother taught me to believe in aren’t real. I’ve found that “I must question everything, even if it means losing my faith” (350), but my faith remains. I feel like a fool, but I cling to it like sunlight clings to clouds.
I have always longed to change the world for better. “Life isn’t fair,” someone once said; I say “Why not?” I see so much that’s just beyond my grasp. I long to touch it, hold it, but I never can. I feel as if I’m caged and bound, words that long to come forth and spring to live on the page remain hidden. “I was writing. It would come to nothing; I knew it would come to nothing” (312). One word always resounds in my soul and spirit, emanating from the depths of my heart... Why?
I feel so deeply, should I not? I feel so completely, should I be fractured instead? I dream so recklessly; should I be more grounded and practical? How could I be myself when all these things are my essence? I cannot take drugs and pretend that everything is suddenly better but no more can I cease to be overwhelmed by what I feel and know with every fiber of my being. Should I change any of this I would lose my very identity. Even if I could take the pain away I wouldn’t. Even if I suddenly had good luck I would resist it. Good things aren’t always the right things and bad things aren’t always the wrong ones. Giving in instead of being true to myself might make me rich but I would be so much poorer than I am now. “You can’t forbid us everything / You can’t forbid us to think– / You can’t forbid our tears to flow / And you can’t stop the songs that we sing” (351).
Should I come back to “reality” (whatever that is)? Should I continue to hold on to me? Should I let go of that which gives me hope (for hope also brings me my greatest sorrow)? Hope is lost, hope is clung to. “I see a number of things that make me seriously afraid” (226) but I don’t think I know how to let go.
I think I already know the truth. I have left the desert but I cannot get it to leave me. It now flows in my veins and calls to me, an addiction greater than many that I have outlived and conquered. But like all addictions it will always be a part of me; the call of the desert will always echo in me. Still, I have one that is greater: it is my greatest sorrow yet my greatest strength. Though this addiction make me a fool I will still follow it. I have to.
Works Cited
Anderson, Lorraine, Scott Slovic, and John P. O'Grady. Literature and the Environment: a Reader on Nature and Culture, eds. New York: Longman, 1999.
O’Brien, Dan. "Eminent Domain: A Love Story.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 333-338.
Polsgrove, Carol. "On a Scrap of Land in Henry County.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 224-229.
Sáenz, Benjamin Alire. "Exile. El Paso, Texas.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 310-316.
Williams, Terry Tempest. "The Clan of One-Breasted Women.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 347-352.
They were aliens, from somewhere else, somewhere foreign, and it did not matter that the “somewhere else” was as close as an eyelash to an eye. What mattered was that someone had once drawn a line, and once drawn, that line became indelible and hard and could not be crossed (312).Though my ethnic origins are not a strong part of my identity I do identify with Sáenz. I was born and raised in Yuma, Arizona, until the age of three when my family moved to San Diego, California, where my first memories were formed. My father worked in the Border Patrol, so I understand and appreciate both sides of his issues, but though I grew up with Mexican-Americans I am not one of them and never will be. I’ve never really had a place to belong.
As soon as I began attending preschool I understood the concept of being unpopular and different; I wore both glasses and an eyepatch and was immediately ignored and disliked by my fellow classmates. I was very young but I remember so many things... eating ice cream on grass, running down a hill I shouldn’t have been playing on, learning to swing with a rainbow pinwheel, standing in the shade of trees that had red berries, eating Twinkies out of my lunchbox, and playing on the “fire truck” with the one playmate I was blessed to have. He was as despised as I was but for a different reason: he had a growth disorder. We promised to marry each other when we grew up. I lost him when we moved back to Arizona sometime after I turned five.
In Ajo (the small town I now called home) I quickly became an outcast with my new classmates. I was in kindergarten now and already knew how to read. My teacher would get angry when I started an activity before she had finished explaining the directions... What other reason were they written in the easy to understand words that comprise a five-year-old’s reading vocabulary if not so I could do it for myself? She hated it when I asked questions, would often make me stand by the drinking fountain during recess, would never give me an ice cream bar when everyone else got one. She insisted that I would never be able to learn how to read and wanted to flunk me. I suppose that the other children were afraid to befriend someone the teacher despised so much and by the time they got to know me better my fate was already sealed as someone who was different. I took music in third grade and band in fifth but it was always the same with them: I was always an outsider.
It was from a young age I understood the longing to belong: “Clumsy in body and mind, I knew no place I could go to and feel certain I ought to be there” (Polsgrove, 224). “I was taught as a young girl not to ‘make waves’ or ‘rock the boat” (Williams, 349). My mother began homeschooling me in first grade, and I tried so hard to please her. What friends I had eventually stabbed me in the back. I longed so very much to grow up, to be in the church youth group because they did so many fun things but by the time I was old enough there was no one else in the youth group anymore besides me.
When my father insisted I attend public high school and here I found new ways to be out of place. My first day of school seniors were asking me for help and so I quickly became the brain who no one talks to unless they need help, the know-it-all that everyone despises yet uses. In volleyball–-my favorite sport–-I tried so hard (my eyesight was still a liability) but my coaches despised me and would not let me play in the games unless it was absolutely necessary. Though I had been a well adjusted child before junior high I slowly descended into a spiral of monotony and self-doubt. “The price of obedience” had “become too high” (350). I always had joy despite all of the hard things in my life, but I knew that I was losing the battle. I had always yielded to my parents’ wishes, even when one teacher advised me to quit high school and go straight to college. “Threatening and puffing up your chest is a waste of time. Nobody ever proved a thing in a pushing match, and nobody ever held onto nothing by talking about it” (O’Brien, 334), but I knew I had to do something. I was at my breaking point. “Something was burning, the side of me that knew I was treated different” (315).
There was always “the place I always like to think about” (Kingsolver, 200), but it wasn’t until I lost my “place” of escape that I realized I had one. My grandparents owned a home just outside Yuma in California. It was here that I learned to sew, bake cookies, and wash dishes. I remember curling up behind my grandfather’s easy chair to listen to the TV or read a book. I played with the same Barbies, Lincoln Logs, Spirograph, and Tinkertoys that had belonged to my mother and her siblings. I ran through sprinklers, made mud pies, hang from the same bar my mother had, and built a fort not far from where my aunt and uncle had (though I didn’t use it for smoking as they did). It was here that I fell in love with the local Mexican food, Chinese food that the whole family shares, 4-H BBQ, and have my first memories of Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Each year we would attend the midnight Candlelight Service at the church my father grew up in before returning to my grandparent’s home and sleeping a couple of hours before we woke the whole house so we could open our presents.
My senior year of high school I dropped out. I tried to take correspondence courses but the workload was too heavy. My father, who had come to Ajo because the work was less dangerous than in a big city, now decided to put in for a transfer. Ajo had become part of the busiest sector in the United States. We all moved to Grand Junction, Colorado, and before long we moved my grandparents, too. Their health is failing, so I understand, but their new house has none of the old touches of home.
I understand and long for “the elemental world of water and light and earth and air” (224) because I grew up in the desert. I didn’t always love it; it grew on me over the years, slowly took root in my heart. First it was the rocks that are a veritable rainbow of hues, then the emptiness that’s so big you wonder if it could ever be filled. No one could ever believe that the desert could support life, let alone give it. The arroyo deceptively lies alone in wait, bone dry, but thunder announces this gift, lightning highlights it, and one suddenly understands the name “wash” when the desert suddenly rushes overflowing with the water that is the blood that gives life to the seemingly barren. The cacti grows so green after the winter rains, wildflowers burst into life, and the sun shines so clear: it is everyone’s greatest enemy but what all life stems from. You even learn to appreciate the heat after spending hours in artificial cold. Yes, the desert is harsh but it is also life unexpected. The sun is a miracle each morning, a promise each night as is disappears and the sky slowly unfolds to reveal countless jewels against black velvet. The stars always seem so far away and yet so close.
I can’t return to what I had, so I still search for a new source of belonging, a place to put down new roots, but I never find it. The church I grew up in has succumbed to the politics that my family and I forever struggled to hold at bay. My friends (such as they were) have all moved on. Since I moved to Colorado I have migrated to Virginia, North Carolina, and back again but still feel lost and alone, much as Roque Dalton must have felt when he wrote: “Do you know what exile is? / I’ll tell you, / exile / is a long avenue / where only sadness walks” (310). I struggle to define my adult self, am just as uncomfortable with “the headlong pilgrimage after money and comfort and prestige” as Berry is (224). Yet I also long for the future that I’ve always believed in and waited for, one where technology helps, not harms, all of life’s ills are healed, and dreams come true. I’ve began to wonder if I am only a hopeless dreamer, if all the things my mother taught me to believe in aren’t real. I’ve found that “I must question everything, even if it means losing my faith” (350), but my faith remains. I feel like a fool, but I cling to it like sunlight clings to clouds.
I have always longed to change the world for better. “Life isn’t fair,” someone once said; I say “Why not?” I see so much that’s just beyond my grasp. I long to touch it, hold it, but I never can. I feel as if I’m caged and bound, words that long to come forth and spring to live on the page remain hidden. “I was writing. It would come to nothing; I knew it would come to nothing” (312). One word always resounds in my soul and spirit, emanating from the depths of my heart... Why?
I feel so deeply, should I not? I feel so completely, should I be fractured instead? I dream so recklessly; should I be more grounded and practical? How could I be myself when all these things are my essence? I cannot take drugs and pretend that everything is suddenly better but no more can I cease to be overwhelmed by what I feel and know with every fiber of my being. Should I change any of this I would lose my very identity. Even if I could take the pain away I wouldn’t. Even if I suddenly had good luck I would resist it. Good things aren’t always the right things and bad things aren’t always the wrong ones. Giving in instead of being true to myself might make me rich but I would be so much poorer than I am now. “You can’t forbid us everything / You can’t forbid us to think– / You can’t forbid our tears to flow / And you can’t stop the songs that we sing” (351).
Should I come back to “reality” (whatever that is)? Should I continue to hold on to me? Should I let go of that which gives me hope (for hope also brings me my greatest sorrow)? Hope is lost, hope is clung to. “I see a number of things that make me seriously afraid” (226) but I don’t think I know how to let go.
I think I already know the truth. I have left the desert but I cannot get it to leave me. It now flows in my veins and calls to me, an addiction greater than many that I have outlived and conquered. But like all addictions it will always be a part of me; the call of the desert will always echo in me. Still, I have one that is greater: it is my greatest sorrow yet my greatest strength. Though this addiction make me a fool I will still follow it. I have to.
Anderson, Lorraine, Scott Slovic, and John P. O'Grady. Literature and the Environment: a Reader on Nature and Culture, eds. New York: Longman, 1999.
O’Brien, Dan. "Eminent Domain: A Love Story.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 333-338.
Polsgrove, Carol. "On a Scrap of Land in Henry County.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 224-229.
Sáenz, Benjamin Alire. "Exile. El Paso, Texas.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 310-316.
Williams, Terry Tempest. "The Clan of One-Breasted Women.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 347-352.
English Composition essays ~ NSU post #16
These are long (4-6 pages each, plus works cited) but i thought it would be neat to post them here. If you aren't interested, just ignore them. Btw, I've gotten an A and two A-s so far: i'll turn in my fourth and final essay tomorrow and then it's good riddance! Won't have to take english again until next semester. Whew!
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Sorry to change the title on you again so soon, but things have been looking up, and i just felt like flicker was a little too... easy to blow out. Things in my spiritual life have been looking up. I've started reading my Bible daily again and it's really helped. I think i've also finally gotten over feeling sorry for myself.
I don't want anyone to mix up the title of this blog with my flicker area at my Harry Potter page. See, in regards to HP i feel like there's already a light that won't go out despite the fact that there's a stiff wind blowing, trying to get it to go out. It's also a play off of swish and flick of course. But here: i think my heart may be starting to spark again. I still have a long way to go before my heart will be back together again, but i'm not going to go out: eventually i'm going to start to glow. Right now i'll call this page spark though.
I don't want anyone to mix up the title of this blog with my flicker area at my Harry Potter page. See, in regards to HP i feel like there's already a light that won't go out despite the fact that there's a stiff wind blowing, trying to get it to go out. It's also a play off of swish and flick of course. But here: i think my heart may be starting to spark again. I still have a long way to go before my heart will be back together again, but i'm not going to go out: eventually i'm going to start to glow. Right now i'll call this page spark though.
Christian Freaks ~ NSU post #15
I used to be the creator and moderator of a Yahoo group named Christian Freaks. I originally started it because i wanted to cling to my fandom of Dark Angel and build a support group with other Christians of like faith. The group never took off. I often found myself talking to myself.
I would still like to be the member of a message group or message board where i can be challenged in my faith as well as encouraged. I haven't been able to find a group where i click and where i seem to be on the same page as the other Christians. For instance the group must be pro-Harry Potter and that seems to be a high order for most Christian groups. If there is anyone who knows of such a group that i could join or would be interested in joining such a group (if i started one again) please e-mail me at luinel_anduril@yahoo.com.
I would still like to be the member of a message group or message board where i can be challenged in my faith as well as encouraged. I haven't been able to find a group where i click and where i seem to be on the same page as the other Christians. For instance the group must be pro-Harry Potter and that seems to be a high order for most Christian groups. If there is anyone who knows of such a group that i could join or would be interested in joining such a group (if i started one again) please e-mail me at luinel_anduril@yahoo.com.
Symptoms # 3, 4, 5 ~ NSU post #14
I have been working on this post for over a month now. I've delayed writing about symptom #3 in particular because a) i've been incredibly busy with college and b) i am of two minds on this subject. This is the first time i've found it difficult to reconcile my faith and my patriotism because the symptom that i am about to write about first has become prevalent in this country (particularly in my lifetime) and while it goes against my faith i'm not entirely sure it goes against my politics. Strangely enough this issue is being largely ignored in the current election (probably because it is so controversial). I cannot fully communicate how very strongly i feel that if all of the issues that i am writing about here; if they are not dealt with very soon then this could well be the death of this country if not its inhabitants.
Symptom #3 = Homosexuality
There is no question in my mind that homosexuality is wrong: this is evident in the Bible in such verses as Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, and Leviticus 18:22. Not only is homosexuality morally wrong but it is also psychologically damaging (i have read of studies and accounts of former homosexuals that confirm this). Over the past year i have had to ask myself: am i for the Federal Marriage Amendment? At first i said yes, then no, and now i don't really know what to say.
This country is based on freedom, and though that freedom was designed and meant to be for the Christian faith it was also freedom to have any faith (whether one be buddhist, jew, muslim, new age, pagan, wiccan, atheist, or agnostic, just to name a few). We all know how Prohibition went; it failed miserably (telling any American they can't do something is like sounding the starting gun). As much as i'd love for America to truly become a Christian nation i am against any persecution of religious, political, or scientific beliefs as well as any moderation or censorship of free speech. If someone else's freedoms have been taken away then mine can be taken away just as easily.
What then shall we do? Sure, i would like gay marriage to be made illegal, but i knew that with the current state of our legistlative and judicial system that it would not happen. Even if Congress had passed the Federal Marriage Amendment, judges would probably not have upheld their legislative decision. At the current moment our judicial system is bankrupt morally but it cannot be changed for the better because the Democrats in Congress will not allow any of President Bush's nominees to fill the empty positions that are currently a void in the fabric of our government.
And again, should such a law be passed? Though the FMA is morally right i believe that it may be unconstitutional and that it would surely alienate more of this nations inhabitants than Christians already have and do. Homosexuality would go the way of prohibition and become yet more prevalent, not the other way around.
Which leaves us with a dangerous choice... What can we do that will not destroy our nation? For even if this issue does not tear We the People apart i know that if our inhabitants continue to live in this sin we will surely be destroyed (as Sodom and Gomorrah were in Genesis 18:16-19:29). The time of Christ's return draws near, i can feel this in my very being. I have known for as long as i can remember that He will return within my lifetime (i have no fear of death) and that time is running out. Biblical prophecy tells me that the United States will be destroyed in a (Super)natural disaster and its inhabitants will either perish or there will be another Great Awakening thus allowing the majority of Americans to be saved/born again and rise to meet Him in the air (Revelation 8:6-13 and 1 Thessalonians 4:17). And so i have come to the conclusion that like with so many other issues the government cannot regulate this epidemic by political means: only the Truth, the Way, and the Life can save them and thus change their thinking and hearts.
Who then will go and tell them? And if/when one goes will their hearts not be hardened? (Isaiah 6) I cry out "Here am i, Lord, send me!" but who will listen to me? How then will i go and to where? I feel as if i am in a cage with my hands tied. Does even one read what i am reading here and care? Does anything i say or do make a difference?
Symptom #4 = the Children (Education and their Future)
Several weekends ago i attended an AWANA Leadership Training Conference. Most of the day was spent detailing that which i already know: that today's children do not know the Truth and that the Church as a whole is ignoring a great need. A child's moral foundation is set by the time they are thirteen; if they do not become Christians before that time they are unlikely to ever be saved (though it is not impossible). Sadly many children do not know that the Bible is true, nor do they know its content (even if they have attended Sunday School, the Bible stories are often watered down or changed to be less offensive or "more understandable"). A few years ago one of the youth leaders in my church got in trouble for teaching a lesson against homosexuality... Why is this?
At my church the Christian school is more important than AWANA, Sunday school is more important than AWANA, the youth group is more important than AWANA, the adult bible studies are more important than AWANA. The church as a whole is deemed more important than the children, yet the children our are future and AWANA may be the one thing that equips these children to live their lives for God in a sinful world because it doesn't water down the message: it makes sure they understand it. The first verses a clubber memorizes present the plan of salvation and a child usually hears the same message outlined in Council Time by the time they've attended the club twice (if not the first time).
Since our club started up again for the year it has been attacked on every side from within the church itself. Satan knows that the church is greatly set behind if the Way, the Truth, and the Life is kept from the ears and hearts of this nation's children, of any nation's children. For instance in Cuba missionaries are allowed to come into the country for a short time to bring in relief and medicines, etc., even witness, but they are not allowed to bring in any children's Bible study material because TPTB know that it is the children who are the most likely to be converted.
Satan is attacking our children before our very eyes...
Today's education system is in shambles. There are multiple studies that prove that homeschooling is the most effective form of educating a child (followed by charter schools and Christian schools). I know firsthand how ineffective the public school system is and the problems are only getting worse. There are second graders who still don't know how to read (i've met some) and i've heard of high schoolers graduating illiterate. Classes are too large and are geared towards the slow students. The system tries to dump information into a child's head just long enough for them to pass their tests instead of actually teaching anything that's important.
I know there are good teachers out there who care about their students (i've had a few) but the simple truth is that the system does not work. It cannot be fixed. The only reason it worked so well for so long was because God was in it and as we all know that prayer and the Bible were taken out of schools over forty years ago. More than this, children's shows, cartoons, and games, are now filled with violent imagery. Not all of them know that the things they do in play are not acceptable in real life because, again, no one is teaching them the truth. Just like with the issue of homosexuality i do not believe this symptom can be treated by legisltaion: we must reach the hearts of the children or things will only get worse.
Symptom #5 = Hardened Hearts, Itching Ears
There is no doubt in my mind that so many Americans today have Hardened Hearts and Itching Ears. Most Christians sporadically attend churches where the Pastor teaches them what they want to hear. Sadly there aren't enough ministers who are actually preaching anything of spiritual importance. They seem content to forcefeed us milk instead of challenging us with meat. I grow weary in my church and wonder if perhaps the problem lies in me as much as it lies with them. I do not know what to do but pray.
I know that i am probably watching and reading things that i shouldn't be. I can see God in them, He can use them in my life, but i don't think He wants me dwelling on them. I have seen God work in the most incredible ways. I want him to be free to use anything in my life to change me, i want my heart to be pliable for him. But i know that Satan is constantly whispering lies into my ears. He is attacking all of us. Will we listen to him, give in, or will we listen to God and allow Him to use us in the growing dark?
There are no easy answers. I "know" that i can't make a difference on my own, but i know that God can use me to make a difference. I pray 2 Chronicles 7:14: "Then if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land." I cannot fully relate the gravity of this situation, the need, only God can speak through me.
Does anyone hear?
Symptom #3 = Homosexuality
There is no question in my mind that homosexuality is wrong: this is evident in the Bible in such verses as Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, and Leviticus 18:22. Not only is homosexuality morally wrong but it is also psychologically damaging (i have read of studies and accounts of former homosexuals that confirm this). Over the past year i have had to ask myself: am i for the Federal Marriage Amendment? At first i said yes, then no, and now i don't really know what to say.
This country is based on freedom, and though that freedom was designed and meant to be for the Christian faith it was also freedom to have any faith (whether one be buddhist, jew, muslim, new age, pagan, wiccan, atheist, or agnostic, just to name a few). We all know how Prohibition went; it failed miserably (telling any American they can't do something is like sounding the starting gun). As much as i'd love for America to truly become a Christian nation i am against any persecution of religious, political, or scientific beliefs as well as any moderation or censorship of free speech. If someone else's freedoms have been taken away then mine can be taken away just as easily.
What then shall we do? Sure, i would like gay marriage to be made illegal, but i knew that with the current state of our legistlative and judicial system that it would not happen. Even if Congress had passed the Federal Marriage Amendment, judges would probably not have upheld their legislative decision. At the current moment our judicial system is bankrupt morally but it cannot be changed for the better because the Democrats in Congress will not allow any of President Bush's nominees to fill the empty positions that are currently a void in the fabric of our government.
And again, should such a law be passed? Though the FMA is morally right i believe that it may be unconstitutional and that it would surely alienate more of this nations inhabitants than Christians already have and do. Homosexuality would go the way of prohibition and become yet more prevalent, not the other way around.
Which leaves us with a dangerous choice... What can we do that will not destroy our nation? For even if this issue does not tear We the People apart i know that if our inhabitants continue to live in this sin we will surely be destroyed (as Sodom and Gomorrah were in Genesis 18:16-19:29). The time of Christ's return draws near, i can feel this in my very being. I have known for as long as i can remember that He will return within my lifetime (i have no fear of death) and that time is running out. Biblical prophecy tells me that the United States will be destroyed in a (Super)natural disaster and its inhabitants will either perish or there will be another Great Awakening thus allowing the majority of Americans to be saved/born again and rise to meet Him in the air (Revelation 8:6-13 and 1 Thessalonians 4:17). And so i have come to the conclusion that like with so many other issues the government cannot regulate this epidemic by political means: only the Truth, the Way, and the Life can save them and thus change their thinking and hearts.
Who then will go and tell them? And if/when one goes will their hearts not be hardened? (Isaiah 6) I cry out "Here am i, Lord, send me!" but who will listen to me? How then will i go and to where? I feel as if i am in a cage with my hands tied. Does even one read what i am reading here and care? Does anything i say or do make a difference?
Symptom #4 = the Children (Education and their Future)
Several weekends ago i attended an AWANA Leadership Training Conference. Most of the day was spent detailing that which i already know: that today's children do not know the Truth and that the Church as a whole is ignoring a great need. A child's moral foundation is set by the time they are thirteen; if they do not become Christians before that time they are unlikely to ever be saved (though it is not impossible). Sadly many children do not know that the Bible is true, nor do they know its content (even if they have attended Sunday School, the Bible stories are often watered down or changed to be less offensive or "more understandable"). A few years ago one of the youth leaders in my church got in trouble for teaching a lesson against homosexuality... Why is this?
At my church the Christian school is more important than AWANA, Sunday school is more important than AWANA, the youth group is more important than AWANA, the adult bible studies are more important than AWANA. The church as a whole is deemed more important than the children, yet the children our are future and AWANA may be the one thing that equips these children to live their lives for God in a sinful world because it doesn't water down the message: it makes sure they understand it. The first verses a clubber memorizes present the plan of salvation and a child usually hears the same message outlined in Council Time by the time they've attended the club twice (if not the first time).
Since our club started up again for the year it has been attacked on every side from within the church itself. Satan knows that the church is greatly set behind if the Way, the Truth, and the Life is kept from the ears and hearts of this nation's children, of any nation's children. For instance in Cuba missionaries are allowed to come into the country for a short time to bring in relief and medicines, etc., even witness, but they are not allowed to bring in any children's Bible study material because TPTB know that it is the children who are the most likely to be converted.
Satan is attacking our children before our very eyes...
Today's education system is in shambles. There are multiple studies that prove that homeschooling is the most effective form of educating a child (followed by charter schools and Christian schools). I know firsthand how ineffective the public school system is and the problems are only getting worse. There are second graders who still don't know how to read (i've met some) and i've heard of high schoolers graduating illiterate. Classes are too large and are geared towards the slow students. The system tries to dump information into a child's head just long enough for them to pass their tests instead of actually teaching anything that's important.
I know there are good teachers out there who care about their students (i've had a few) but the simple truth is that the system does not work. It cannot be fixed. The only reason it worked so well for so long was because God was in it and as we all know that prayer and the Bible were taken out of schools over forty years ago. More than this, children's shows, cartoons, and games, are now filled with violent imagery. Not all of them know that the things they do in play are not acceptable in real life because, again, no one is teaching them the truth. Just like with the issue of homosexuality i do not believe this symptom can be treated by legisltaion: we must reach the hearts of the children or things will only get worse.
Symptom #5 = Hardened Hearts, Itching Ears
There is no doubt in my mind that so many Americans today have Hardened Hearts and Itching Ears. Most Christians sporadically attend churches where the Pastor teaches them what they want to hear. Sadly there aren't enough ministers who are actually preaching anything of spiritual importance. They seem content to forcefeed us milk instead of challenging us with meat. I grow weary in my church and wonder if perhaps the problem lies in me as much as it lies with them. I do not know what to do but pray.
I know that i am probably watching and reading things that i shouldn't be. I can see God in them, He can use them in my life, but i don't think He wants me dwelling on them. I have seen God work in the most incredible ways. I want him to be free to use anything in my life to change me, i want my heart to be pliable for him. But i know that Satan is constantly whispering lies into my ears. He is attacking all of us. Will we listen to him, give in, or will we listen to God and allow Him to use us in the growing dark?
There are no easy answers. I "know" that i can't make a difference on my own, but i know that God can use me to make a difference. I pray 2 Chronicles 7:14: "Then if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land." I cannot fully relate the gravity of this situation, the need, only God can speak through me.
Does anyone hear?
on the third debate ~ NSU post #13
Kerry was his usual insulting imbecile self. I'm sorry that i haven't been more clear about what i disagree with (regarding his stand on the issues) but he's just so muddled about it that it upsets me. This is an interesting site to check out AOL Presidential Match if you still don't know where the candidates stand on the issues. I'm definitely voting for W (as if there was ever any doubt).
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
i hate to say this but... ~ NSU post #12
...i don't think that i'll ever make a good political news analyst. One of the careers i've considered in the back of my mind is "Radio Talk Show Host" and i just don't think i have enough brilliant thoughts to fill two to three hours worth of air time. I'm not addicted to my voice; i like to talk only if i actually have something to say. But i'm not gifted at analyzing news stories and pointing out the lies of politicians and reporters. I'll listen to Rush and Sean for a few hours a day (tops) and be on news overload. I don't think i could handle reading several newspapers, internet articles, and appropriately themed books each week in order to be adequately prepared for each day's program. As one can see i don't have the time or content to even fill this blog. I usually want to write something but just can't get anything out that anyone would want to read anyway.
...i wish Kerry would shut up. I know, i know, i'm a proponent of free speech and certainly don't want anyone telling me to shut up but i feel so badly for him. He makes such a fool of himself that it's embarrassing. He contradicts himself in the same breath. He personifies the very individual that he himself describes as being unworthy of serving as president. And every time i turn on Rush and Sean i hear more and more lies that he's repeatedly telling the public and it pisses me off (excuse my french). He's an ugly buffoon at best and a horrible threat at worst. Like when he went to a Democratic pro-gun rally and waved around the very type of gun that he was criticizing Bush for letting the ban run out on (like Bush controls such legislation). Plus he wants bigger government than Bush even (Bush is very "big gov" for a Republican) and says it's name calling when Bush characterizes him as a liberal. Uh, correct me if i'm wrong, but aren't you running on the Democratic ticket? Democrats are liberals; i'm certainly not going to be offended when someone calls me a conservative. Show some backbone (oh, i'm sorry: i forgot you didn't have one)!
...i am so ready for this election to be over but i'm terrified that Kerry's going to win it. I keep praying that Bush will win by a landslide (please let him get CA, please) so the Democrats won't send in the lawyers and debate about it in court like last time... my classmates are still saying that Bush wasn't legally elected even though every single independent recount that was ever done proves that Bush won in Florida and Gore had already seceded anyway (making it a moot point).
... i still want Kerry to lose even though it means Hilary Rodham Clinton will probably be running in 2008. I so want Condoleezza Rice to run against her and kick her... you get the idea.
...i wish Kerry would shut up. I know, i know, i'm a proponent of free speech and certainly don't want anyone telling me to shut up but i feel so badly for him. He makes such a fool of himself that it's embarrassing. He contradicts himself in the same breath. He personifies the very individual that he himself describes as being unworthy of serving as president. And every time i turn on Rush and Sean i hear more and more lies that he's repeatedly telling the public and it pisses me off (excuse my french). He's an ugly buffoon at best and a horrible threat at worst. Like when he went to a Democratic pro-gun rally and waved around the very type of gun that he was criticizing Bush for letting the ban run out on (like Bush controls such legislation). Plus he wants bigger government than Bush even (Bush is very "big gov" for a Republican) and says it's name calling when Bush characterizes him as a liberal. Uh, correct me if i'm wrong, but aren't you running on the Democratic ticket? Democrats are liberals; i'm certainly not going to be offended when someone calls me a conservative. Show some backbone (oh, i'm sorry: i forgot you didn't have one)!
...i am so ready for this election to be over but i'm terrified that Kerry's going to win it. I keep praying that Bush will win by a landslide (please let him get CA, please) so the Democrats won't send in the lawyers and debate about it in court like last time... my classmates are still saying that Bush wasn't legally elected even though every single independent recount that was ever done proves that Bush won in Florida and Gore had already seceded anyway (making it a moot point).
... i still want Kerry to lose even though it means Hilary Rodham Clinton will probably be running in 2008. I so want Condoleezza Rice to run against her and kick her... you get the idea.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Things have changed a bit for me in the past twenty-four hours. I have been overwhelmed lately, not only with schoolwork but with the status of my spiritual life. I was mad at God: i knew i shouldn't be, but i was hurt because He hadn't let me go to American Idol auditions in Las Vegas. I didn't want to pray to God because i "knew" that no matter what i asked for He would only say "no" or "wait." My quiet time had fallen by the wayside because every time i read my Bible i felt only more depressed. I feel like Satan has been mocking me, telling me that God's promises don't come true, that my dreams are futile; he's been trying to convince me of this for a long time, and i was starting to believe him.
Last night i poured my heart out before God for the first time in a while. I admitted to Him that i needed forgiveness, that i have been stubborn. The reason i renamed this blog ember was because i felt my flame was almost gone. I feel so much love for God that it overwhelms me; trusting Him seems to me to be the biggest chance i can ever take. Yet i know that it's not a chance at all, that He's all i need. The trouble is that i feel unplugged from Him: i know that i'm not, but that's the way it seems. He's standing beside me but He's standing apart; He's right here, but i can't touch Him.
Today i rename this blog flicker. I read my Bible this morning and am going to start having a daily quiet time. I am so close to reading my Bible all the way through: my goal is to finish before the New Year. And yes, my sixth anniversary looms ahead, but i am trusting God to get me through this dark night of the soul, to put my heart back together again. I don't want to let Satan take control of my life, i'm going to start fighting back again. I appreciate everyone's prayers of support and ask that you please be patient with me: God's not through with me.
Last night i poured my heart out before God for the first time in a while. I admitted to Him that i needed forgiveness, that i have been stubborn. The reason i renamed this blog ember was because i felt my flame was almost gone. I feel so much love for God that it overwhelms me; trusting Him seems to me to be the biggest chance i can ever take. Yet i know that it's not a chance at all, that He's all i need. The trouble is that i feel unplugged from Him: i know that i'm not, but that's the way it seems. He's standing beside me but He's standing apart; He's right here, but i can't touch Him.
Today i rename this blog flicker. I read my Bible this morning and am going to start having a daily quiet time. I am so close to reading my Bible all the way through: my goal is to finish before the New Year. And yes, my sixth anniversary looms ahead, but i am trusting God to get me through this dark night of the soul, to put my heart back together again. I don't want to let Satan take control of my life, i'm going to start fighting back again. I appreciate everyone's prayers of support and ask that you please be patient with me: God's not through with me.
RePlay Alias moves ~ NSU post #11
I've decided that i don't really need an entire blog dedicated to Alias. I never really said much of anything on the blog anyway, so i've deleted it. If i feel the need to review an episode i will review it here (whenever the show starts up again).
In other news, i finally caught an ep of Lost (the third). I'm not sure if i'll become a fan or not, though it's nice to see Dominic Monaghan with his real hair (facial hair especially).
In other news, i finally caught an ep of Lost (the third). I'm not sure if i'll become a fan or not, though it's nice to see Dominic Monaghan with his real hair (facial hair especially).
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Well i guess an update is in order. I have been very busy with school and have enjoyed my classes for the most part though i didn't get in all the ones i wanted to. Astronomy and Math have been disappointingly easy. English Composition has been boring and draining (it's an accelerated night class: i'm so glad i only have one more week). Mass Media and Women's Chorus have been surprisingly interesting. U.S. History is boring but informative. Guitar is a challenge.
I didn't get to attend American Idol auditions as i had hoped. I was able to get a student loan but haven't been able to find a job yet. I'm hoping to find a night job now that my night class is ending. I was sleeping better until i caught a cold that has taken me a while to shake. Spiritually i've felt drained, unplugged, and distressingly emotionless. I'm overwhelmed by the election and worried about the future. It's been hard to keep hoping but i'm endeavoring to continue to trust God. But Satan has been attacking me and i'm afraid that i'm not strong enough to stand up to him anymore. Still i'm trusting God no matter how foolish that makes me. I hope my life continues to look up as the year progresses.
I didn't get to attend American Idol auditions as i had hoped. I was able to get a student loan but haven't been able to find a job yet. I'm hoping to find a night job now that my night class is ending. I was sleeping better until i caught a cold that has taken me a while to shake. Spiritually i've felt drained, unplugged, and distressingly emotionless. I'm overwhelmed by the election and worried about the future. It's been hard to keep hoping but i'm endeavoring to continue to trust God. But Satan has been attacking me and i'm afraid that i'm not strong enough to stand up to him anymore. Still i'm trusting God no matter how foolish that makes me. I hope my life continues to look up as the year progresses.
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