what i'm listening to ~ Thousand Foot Krutch
what i'm reading ~ Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austin (just finished Acorna the Unicorn Girl and the Beginning Place)
Yesterday was a very strange Sunday. I went to church in the morning and didn't get blessed, my load only got heavier. I don't know why i expect to experience Him anymore, but i have to hold onto hope. I guess that i should explain that i go to church because it says in His Word that i shouldn't stop attending church (Hebrews 10:25). I go to this church because it's the one my family attends. But because of several things that have happened this past year i'm thinking about attending another church. But i don't know if that will be any different. I want to be where God wants me to be, i'm just not sure where that is.
About my last post: let me just say that i know that i will be able to spend eternity with God, i'm confident that i'm forgiven / saved / a Christian, the trouble is that i'm so overwhelmed with the here and now. I give things to God but my burden doesn't get any lighter, only heavier. I'm sure that it's only the cross that He's chosen for me to bear, but it's a heavy one. I'm so perplexed right now, and desperately trying not to be so selfish but feel that i must be just to survive. It's hard. What i was relating in my last post is that i've gotten to the point where i wonder if i'll ever feel / hear Him here on earth ever again. And i don't know how i feel about the possibility of that being a no.
It's really been getting to me lately how my family still expects me to do exactly what they expect. They just don't get it. And they'll lie about me to my face and laugh it off and say that i just can't take a joke. It's not funny and lying certainly isn't a joke. Am i overly defensive? I feel like i'm constantly under attack. If i am doing what i'm supposed to be doing (God's will) then i will be constantly under attack.
I think what i've been feeling so acutely is "God's curse" as outlined in Romans 8:18-25. I know i need to pray more. It's hard for me because i don't sense the Spirit's groanings for me (verse 26). I pray that He will groan for me, but i don't have the words or the one on one with God that i used to know. Last night we had a prayer walk at our church and i felt guilty that i pray for myself so much and not enough for others. I think that happens to a lot of people. We get so wrapped up in our own problems. My Mom says we could have it so much worse, but i think that it would be easier for me if my problems were something tangible like cancer or homelessness or starvation. What i have is an overwhelming desire to serve God, and overwhelming heartache for the world in its sinful state, and i don't have the slightest idea how to help / serve / act. So many people are ignoring the problems that are staring them in the face. I don't have that luxury.
At the end of the summer i plan to go to school full time, audition for fall productions, and snowboard as soon as snow allows. I don't know if i will audition for American Idol. I don't know if i will have workstudy in the costume shop. I don't know if i'm doing God's will. I don't know anything. I want to go to Biola next year but maybe i should have aimed for this year. It's so much money and seems impossible. Everything seems impossible. I know that nothing is impossible with God but i'm still waiting and wondering how He's going to get me through this. I don't know how to act, to do. I'm just trying to get through this. I know i'm not doing it with very much grace, but i just want to be like Him. I hope that makes sense.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
weirded out
what i'm knitting ~ PoA scarf
purple square wave armwarmers
what i'm reading ~ The Beginning Place by Ursula K. LeGuin
what i'm writing ~ Ginny Weasley and the Dark Diary (a first-year fic)
The past few days have been really weird for me. I've been working really hard on my webpage and new blog, i'm getting excited about reading the new Harry Potter, and Megan's baby should be coming any day now. Everything seems surreal. I'm not sure i like the direction my life is going in. I'm out of school right now but in another two months it will be back to the grindstone and i won't be able to write anymore. I'll still have my old computer that doesn't work right, i'll still owe people money, i'll have workstudy, i probably won't have enough money (though more than now). I should be working right now but i haven't been able to find a job. No one wants to hire me just for the summer of course, but i can't handle a full load and work study AND a job. I don't even know if i can handle a full load and work study. I really want to be able to snowboard this winter, to get a season pass, but will i have the time? Can i handle the homework load? I don't know what to do.
I like being able to sleep whenever i want. I like being able to work on the things i'm passionate about and feel that God wants me to do. And to be perfectly honest i don't like the school i'm going to, which is why i wanted to transfer to Hawaii. I had a bad experience last semester and am not at all sure that acting is what i want to do anymore. Every time i go to a movie i'm sure that it is, but every time i go to school--and when i was working on As You Like It--i'm not so sure. I'm starting to dream of becoming a director someday, but i also want to write and raise a family. Where i am i feel like i'm not learning much, that i'm still stuck and spinning my wheels. I don't know how to get unstuck, i don't know what God wants me to do.
It's been six and a half years and i'm tired of complaining. I can't shine and complain. I just want to be where God wants me to be, who God wants me to be. All of this waiting is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things (what's seven years to seven googol googol googol?) but right now it's a lot. I've grown tired of watching others surrender things to Satan that ought not to be his and wonder if i do the same. I don't want to. I want to only do God's will. That's hard for me right now because i'm not always certain what it is and if i do feel certain it's disapproved of by everyone else.
The truth is, i chose this road. I could have graduated from UofA a year ago and had a job now, doing what i don't even know. I'm such a different person than i was back then. I remember knowing that i was being fake and that i was tired of doing what everyone expected of me (everyone but God). And i begged Him to show me the high road, the hard path, the way that is His will and no one else's... i just never expected it to be without a flashlight or His hand. I know He's here, i know He's taking care of me, but i don't see it, i don't feel it, i don't know that i'm going the right way. It's so incredible and hard to believe but i started to pray about becoming an actress nine years ago. I only ever wanted to do His will. I want to be everything He's dreamed up for me and seen that i can accomplish if only i will trust in Him.
How do i get from there to there: from hiding in my bedroom and praying about whether or not acting is God's will to actually doing it? I know He promised me that i'll act on Star Trek, i know He did, but what if it's not in this decade, what if it's forty years from now? What if i never get married? What if i never have kids? What if i never sell a book or screenplay? What if i'm always fat? These questions break my heart, but not as much as wondering if i will ever hear God's voice again. Not that i could ever hear a voice out of the sky, but i used to always know what He was telling me if i listened. Is Satan or one of his minions only lying to me? Probably. I don't know why. I keep on telling God that no matter what i'm not going to turn my back on Him. He already knows that, i already know that, what am i supposed to be learning? It doesn't make any sense. If God wants me to wait, i will wait, i have waited, but i just want to know that one day the waiting will be over. It doesn't even have to be explained or make sense, all i want is Him and His will.
How do i get through this, out of the dark? How do i shine, love, create? How do i change myself and be a catalyst for change in others (without choosing or controlling that change, but allowing God to do the changing)? I can see the dark spreading, feel it closing in, not just on me but the U.S. and the world. I keep praying, i try to keep seeking, i am so tired and so insufficient. I need Him. I'm nothing without Him. What do i do? How do i serve Him? How do i ignore the critics, shake them off, and fly? How do i break through financial barriers and thrive? How do i be content while i'm alone? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.
purple square wave armwarmers
what i'm reading ~ The Beginning Place by Ursula K. LeGuin
what i'm writing ~ Ginny Weasley and the Dark Diary (a first-year fic)
The past few days have been really weird for me. I've been working really hard on my webpage and new blog, i'm getting excited about reading the new Harry Potter, and Megan's baby should be coming any day now. Everything seems surreal. I'm not sure i like the direction my life is going in. I'm out of school right now but in another two months it will be back to the grindstone and i won't be able to write anymore. I'll still have my old computer that doesn't work right, i'll still owe people money, i'll have workstudy, i probably won't have enough money (though more than now). I should be working right now but i haven't been able to find a job. No one wants to hire me just for the summer of course, but i can't handle a full load and work study AND a job. I don't even know if i can handle a full load and work study. I really want to be able to snowboard this winter, to get a season pass, but will i have the time? Can i handle the homework load? I don't know what to do.
I like being able to sleep whenever i want. I like being able to work on the things i'm passionate about and feel that God wants me to do. And to be perfectly honest i don't like the school i'm going to, which is why i wanted to transfer to Hawaii. I had a bad experience last semester and am not at all sure that acting is what i want to do anymore. Every time i go to a movie i'm sure that it is, but every time i go to school--and when i was working on As You Like It--i'm not so sure. I'm starting to dream of becoming a director someday, but i also want to write and raise a family. Where i am i feel like i'm not learning much, that i'm still stuck and spinning my wheels. I don't know how to get unstuck, i don't know what God wants me to do.
It's been six and a half years and i'm tired of complaining. I can't shine and complain. I just want to be where God wants me to be, who God wants me to be. All of this waiting is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things (what's seven years to seven googol googol googol?) but right now it's a lot. I've grown tired of watching others surrender things to Satan that ought not to be his and wonder if i do the same. I don't want to. I want to only do God's will. That's hard for me right now because i'm not always certain what it is and if i do feel certain it's disapproved of by everyone else.
The truth is, i chose this road. I could have graduated from UofA a year ago and had a job now, doing what i don't even know. I'm such a different person than i was back then. I remember knowing that i was being fake and that i was tired of doing what everyone expected of me (everyone but God). And i begged Him to show me the high road, the hard path, the way that is His will and no one else's... i just never expected it to be without a flashlight or His hand. I know He's here, i know He's taking care of me, but i don't see it, i don't feel it, i don't know that i'm going the right way. It's so incredible and hard to believe but i started to pray about becoming an actress nine years ago. I only ever wanted to do His will. I want to be everything He's dreamed up for me and seen that i can accomplish if only i will trust in Him.
How do i get from there to there: from hiding in my bedroom and praying about whether or not acting is God's will to actually doing it? I know He promised me that i'll act on Star Trek, i know He did, but what if it's not in this decade, what if it's forty years from now? What if i never get married? What if i never have kids? What if i never sell a book or screenplay? What if i'm always fat? These questions break my heart, but not as much as wondering if i will ever hear God's voice again. Not that i could ever hear a voice out of the sky, but i used to always know what He was telling me if i listened. Is Satan or one of his minions only lying to me? Probably. I don't know why. I keep on telling God that no matter what i'm not going to turn my back on Him. He already knows that, i already know that, what am i supposed to be learning? It doesn't make any sense. If God wants me to wait, i will wait, i have waited, but i just want to know that one day the waiting will be over. It doesn't even have to be explained or make sense, all i want is Him and His will.
How do i get through this, out of the dark? How do i shine, love, create? How do i change myself and be a catalyst for change in others (without choosing or controlling that change, but allowing God to do the changing)? I can see the dark spreading, feel it closing in, not just on me but the U.S. and the world. I keep praying, i try to keep seeking, i am so tired and so insufficient. I need Him. I'm nothing without Him. What do i do? How do i serve Him? How do i ignore the critics, shake them off, and fly? How do i break through financial barriers and thrive? How do i be content while i'm alone? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
politics
I've been thinking a lot lately about which party i should belong to. I was raised Republican and am behind George W. Bush even though i don't always agree with him. But i'm already thinking about the future. Next election i want a president who will fight for the kind of things i believe in and i don't really care what party he's in. I've taken two Libertarian quizzes (to discover what party you belong in) that firmly place me in the Libertarian party but i'm not convinced. I also think their mascot--Lady Liberty and the Liberty Penguin--are overused and corny respectively. But my political beliefs are changing and i'm not sure the Republicans are doing what they're promising or what needs to be done. I'm still thinking and praying about what to do. I'm also wondering what "Authoritarian" and "Statist" means as i've never heard of either before taking the quizzes. Click on the links below to take the quizzes yourself:
The Enhanced-Precision Political Quiz
World's Smallest Political Quiz
The Enhanced-Precision Political Quiz
World's Smallest Political Quiz
Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith (2nd viewing)
Saw it again Sunday and noticed a lot more details. Ewan McGregor is the bomb; he's still one of my favorite actors. I loved Padme's outfit in the choking scene but her hair really bothered me this film (like when it was in big curls and down and looked like it was shoulder length from the front). Yoda having to teach Obi-Wan how to talk with Qui-Gonn was corny (this is one of the things that bothered me before but i forgot to mention)... who taught Luke? The Emperor is really disgusting in this film and his lies are really see through: i don't get all the angst on Anakin's part or why he was deceived so easily. I still hate when he explodes everything, breaks free, and screams "NO!!!" at the end (as Darth Vader): it would have been much more effective if he fell to his knees or something, overcome with grief and pain. But of course the Emperor wanted him to be angry (at whom though? himself?).
Star Wars was great when i was growing and still amuses me to a point but i'm beginning to get tired of some of the stuff others already hated. Ep. 3 left me feeling largely disastisfied: it was good, but not great. I still can't get over what GL did to Padme, either.
Star Wars was great when i was growing and still amuses me to a point but i'm beginning to get tired of some of the stuff others already hated. Ep. 3 left me feeling largely disastisfied: it was good, but not great. I still can't get over what GL did to Padme, either.
little update
what i'm designing ~ B*T*L a knitting and costuming and sewing and crocheting blog
what i'm knitting ~ purple wave armwarmers
PoA Gryffindor Scarf
what i'm listening to ~ lots of Thousand Foot Krutch, Casting Crowns, and Tree63
what i'm reading ~ Iceburg by Clive Cussler
what i'm writing ~ Desert Fox... a Christian sci fi short story that i don't know if i'll ever finish or publish
what i'm knitting ~ purple wave armwarmers
PoA Gryffindor Scarf
what i'm listening to ~ lots of Thousand Foot Krutch, Casting Crowns, and Tree63
what i'm reading ~ Iceburg by Clive Cussler
what i'm writing ~ Desert Fox... a Christian sci fi short story that i don't know if i'll ever finish or publish
Sunday, June 12, 2005
life verse and knitting update
Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful.
~ Romans 12:12 (NLT)
what i'm knitting ~ homespun red and light gold HP scarf
almost done with Alice's sweater but i'm having trouble with the finishing ):
~ Romans 12:12 (NLT)
what i'm knitting ~ homespun red and light gold HP scarf
almost done with Alice's sweater but i'm having trouble with the finishing ):
Friday, June 10, 2005
life verse
It is not that we think we can do anything of lasting value by ourselves. Our only power and success come from God.
~ 2 Corinthians 3:5 (NLT)
~ 2 Corinthians 3:5 (NLT)
Thursday, June 09, 2005
life verse
Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him! Then he will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring.
~ Hosea 6:3 (NLT)
~ Hosea 6:3 (NLT)
Stuck-up and Stereotyped
That's what i'd call Pride and Prejudice if i wrote a screenplay set now. I really enjoyed the book and might actually try doing that someday.
My mother has been flipping out lately because there was Harry Potter stuff on her computer (mine) and i installed Firefox. It really hurts me that she trusts people who she's never met and who are lying to her over me (her daughter who's telling the truth) when forming her opinion on HP and other topics. She's been really stressed out lately and driving me bonkers. I won't be able to use her computer anymore. I'm taking all my files off and going to try using my own (yeah: that's gonna work!). Hopefully i'll be getting a new computer soon. I don't want to give up on this blog and my webpage, so i'm still fighting!
My mother has been flipping out lately because there was Harry Potter stuff on her computer (mine) and i installed Firefox. It really hurts me that she trusts people who she's never met and who are lying to her over me (her daughter who's telling the truth) when forming her opinion on HP and other topics. She's been really stressed out lately and driving me bonkers. I won't be able to use her computer anymore. I'm taking all my files off and going to try using my own (yeah: that's gonna work!). Hopefully i'll be getting a new computer soon. I don't want to give up on this blog and my webpage, so i'm still fighting!
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Reinforced Insecurity comments about Philippians 3:9
"You can not trust yourself, but you can trust some invisible friend who lives in the sky who's existence is completely theoretical?" Ironically enough, the name of his blog is based on a proverb.
Man, why would i trust myself? To me, God's existence isn't theoretical. Sure, i haven't seen Him face to face, but i've felt Him and seen what He's done around me. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Him. If we're all completely honest with ourselves (and informed, of course), Intelligent Design makes a whole lot more sense than Evolution. I've studied both, and i'm no expert, but it doesn't take an expert to see some really big holes in logic on the part of the Theory of Evolution.
Can i tangibly prove that God exists? No, not really, but can you prove that Evolution happened? No, which is why the theory is constantly being disproven and modified to make it still sound plausible (which it still doesn't, but whatever). And i'm a firm believer in Romans, the book of the Bible that teaches "For the truth about God is known to them instinctively. God has put this knowledge in their hearts. From the time the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky and all that God made. They can clearly see his invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse whatsoever for not knowing God." (1:19-20) and "But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong." (7:20-21)
This weekend on the campout it occured to me that "the greatest of these is love." It's important that i have faith and hope, but it's most important that i love. If i love Him then the faith and hope comes. It's hard for me to understand that if He wouldn't have loved me first than i never could have loved Him because i love Him so much. If you don't love Him then you can't understand what it is to love Him, you can't understand the power of His gift, you can't understand your own fallen nature. But that's why i trust Him, not myself: He's given me everything.
Man, why would i trust myself? To me, God's existence isn't theoretical. Sure, i haven't seen Him face to face, but i've felt Him and seen what He's done around me. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Him. If we're all completely honest with ourselves (and informed, of course), Intelligent Design makes a whole lot more sense than Evolution. I've studied both, and i'm no expert, but it doesn't take an expert to see some really big holes in logic on the part of the Theory of Evolution.
Can i tangibly prove that God exists? No, not really, but can you prove that Evolution happened? No, which is why the theory is constantly being disproven and modified to make it still sound plausible (which it still doesn't, but whatever). And i'm a firm believer in Romans, the book of the Bible that teaches "For the truth about God is known to them instinctively. God has put this knowledge in their hearts. From the time the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky and all that God made. They can clearly see his invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse whatsoever for not knowing God." (1:19-20) and "But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong." (7:20-21)
This weekend on the campout it occured to me that "the greatest of these is love." It's important that i have faith and hope, but it's most important that i love. If i love Him then the faith and hope comes. It's hard for me to understand that if He wouldn't have loved me first than i never could have loved Him because i love Him so much. If you don't love Him then you can't understand what it is to love Him, you can't understand the power of His gift, you can't understand your own fallen nature. But that's why i trust Him, not myself: He's given me everything.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
oh, yeah
I finished crocheting those wristwarmers this weekend. I thought the first one looked good by the time i was done with it, but by the time i was halfway through the second i could tell i was doing a lot better and the first one wasn't that great. My tension has improved a lot already. I was thinking about converting them into a knitting pattern but now i'm not so sure. It would be easy to do but they're not that heavy duty. I wore one two nights and the other one night and they're both already getting stretched out. It doesn't help that i just used some cheap yarn that i had on hand, either. I'm never buying that brand again. I got several requests from the kids for me to make them a pair: i'm not so sure i want to. It's quick and easy but they'll mess them up in no time flat. My next crochet project will probably be a tankini top. I don't know how well it will turn out but i'm going to try it.
back again
what i'm knitting ~ 1st sleeve of Alice's sweater
what i'm reading ~ Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin (chapter forty-eight? forty-nine?)
So i'm back from another campout. We stayed at Warner Lake in Utah and visited Arches. I had been thinking how pale i was considering i had gotten sunburned two weekends in a row... well, it's now three in a row. I'm a bit sore and stiff from hiking on a primitive trail around Windows (i think that's the right name).
Something about the hike was really annoying: there were signs all over the place stating "stop, this is not a trail." They were a big eyesore and sure didn't develop naturally. There was a pamphlet that you get when you come in that says you can't bring any pets to Arches because they might pee and destroy the arches that have been developing for billions of years. My Mom pointed out how illogical this is. I, of course, totally agree with her. Pee is natural: if it destroys a rock there's something wrong with the rock beforehand. To me a sign telling me to stay on the trail is more offensive and destructive that allowing a few people out of a thousand to stray from the path. If it's survived wind and rain and flooding it will survive a few tourists. Plants grow back, and humans are the only living things to create trails (we saw lots of deer, cows, and horses during the course of this trip).
On another note, there were lots of things i wanted to write when i got back, but at present i am too tired to remember most of them. One thing i remember is someone mentioning how small children always want to turn the page of the book before you're done reading that page to them. I've always been irritated by that. You're supposed to read the whole story or you'll miss something important and/or interesting. I'm ashamed to say that i've been in a hurry to turn the pages in my own life. I want to grow out of that.
what i'm reading ~ Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin (chapter forty-eight? forty-nine?)
So i'm back from another campout. We stayed at Warner Lake in Utah and visited Arches. I had been thinking how pale i was considering i had gotten sunburned two weekends in a row... well, it's now three in a row. I'm a bit sore and stiff from hiking on a primitive trail around Windows (i think that's the right name).
Something about the hike was really annoying: there were signs all over the place stating "stop, this is not a trail." They were a big eyesore and sure didn't develop naturally. There was a pamphlet that you get when you come in that says you can't bring any pets to Arches because they might pee and destroy the arches that have been developing for billions of years. My Mom pointed out how illogical this is. I, of course, totally agree with her. Pee is natural: if it destroys a rock there's something wrong with the rock beforehand. To me a sign telling me to stay on the trail is more offensive and destructive that allowing a few people out of a thousand to stray from the path. If it's survived wind and rain and flooding it will survive a few tourists. Plants grow back, and humans are the only living things to create trails (we saw lots of deer, cows, and horses during the course of this trip).
On another note, there were lots of things i wanted to write when i got back, but at present i am too tired to remember most of them. One thing i remember is someone mentioning how small children always want to turn the page of the book before you're done reading that page to them. I've always been irritated by that. You're supposed to read the whole story or you'll miss something important and/or interesting. I'm ashamed to say that i've been in a hurry to turn the pages in my own life. I want to grow out of that.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
creative update
what i'm crocheting ~ Punk Crochet Wrist Warmers
Yes, crocheting! I'm not a very good crocheter, but i'm attempting this project in hope of finally tackling the monster and taking it down for good. I'm actually not doing that badly (a lot better than usual, at least). The pattern is actually pretty good, though i do have trouble keeping the pattern straight (first pattern=what i'm following, the directions; second pattern=pattern stitch). You have no idea how many times i've ripped it out to where the pattern begins and started again. Next up for crocheting? Possibly a tankini. It depends on whether or not i can get the yarn for cheap enough.
Yes, crocheting! I'm not a very good crocheter, but i'm attempting this project in hope of finally tackling the monster and taking it down for good. I'm actually not doing that badly (a lot better than usual, at least). The pattern is actually pretty good, though i do have trouble keeping the pattern straight (first pattern=what i'm following, the directions; second pattern=pattern stitch). You have no idea how many times i've ripped it out to where the pattern begins and started again. Next up for crocheting? Possibly a tankini. It depends on whether or not i can get the yarn for cheap enough.
life verse
I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but I trust Christ to save me.
~ Philippians 3:9 (NLT)
~ Philippians 3:9 (NLT)
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
life verse
Let me hear of your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I have come to you in prayer.
~ Psalm 143:8 (NLT)
~ Psalm 143:8 (NLT)
Lost Pilot and season finale
Unfortunately, due to human error, we didn't get to see Lost's season finale (the truth is that the VCR was set for the right time but the wrong channel). It repeated during the campout, so Megan saw it because she stayed home, but she didn't record it. But what she did see is interesting. The Pilot is on right now (as i type) and i just realized that when we hear "the Monster" for the first time... it sounds an awful lot like a machine. And when i mentioned that Megan said that made sense: the closed captioning during the finale said "gears clicking" and that there were chains involved. It just seems really weird but it kind of makes sense. The thing is, is it cloaked or what? Seems pretty strange and inexplicable. Of course, that's what Abrams has been going for...
clothes
what i'm sewing ~ charcoal grey tunic with lace-up sleeves
Yes, i am actually doing some sewing today. I'm really dreaming about sewing the jacket/cloak that Harry wears in Goblet of Fire for the second task and poster. I'll post some photos later. Right now i'm working on something different though. Hopefully i'll be posting pics of it soon, too.
I've been browsing the Hot Topic website the past couple of days and adding to my wishlist. There is an awesome pair of pants that i tried on last time i was at the mall that cost $42. The funny thing is, i've realized that for some styles it would be cheaper to go buy something similar at a Military Surplus and modify it myself to look cool. So now i'm looking at military surplus websites, too. Fun, huh?
Yes, i am actually doing some sewing today. I'm really dreaming about sewing the jacket/cloak that Harry wears in Goblet of Fire for the second task and poster. I'll post some photos later. Right now i'm working on something different though. Hopefully i'll be posting pics of it soon, too.
I've been browsing the Hot Topic website the past couple of days and adding to my wishlist. There is an awesome pair of pants that i tried on last time i was at the mall that cost $42. The funny thing is, i've realized that for some styles it would be cheaper to go buy something similar at a Military Surplus and modify it myself to look cool. So now i'm looking at military surplus websites, too. Fun, huh?
Soul Surfer
I used to be an optimist. I don't feel like i've really been one now for a couple of years. I bring this up because one of the books i read on the campout was Bethany Hamilton's Soul Surfer. I remember hearing about her arm getting bit off the summer of the shark attacks. Later i heard she was a Christian. I suggested Mom buy her book for Katie as a Christmas present. And now i've finally read it.
I really enjoyed reading this book. I've dreamt of going to Hawaii and learning how to surf for longer than i can remember. And it was cool to read about a young Christian who's passionately on fire for God despite difficult circumstances that are in her life. She thinks that it's important to remain upbeat and optimistic no matter what life throws you. And i feel guilty because i whine so much and focus on the waves instead of Jesus.
I know that i have few physical impediments to overcome, but i know that God gave me this test because it would be the hard one. If he would have given me cancer i don't think i would have minded half so much. The real test for me is waiting. I don't want to wait. I want to be in the arena, the ring, the battle, right now! And to me it's as if God is saying "No, not yet, wait," and that's the last thing i want to do. It's not logical to me.
It's a constant tug of war for me. With one eye i have given everything to God and am fully trusting Him; with the other i am looking around me, terrified, because i am totally out of control. Overall i'm pretty blind. I can see that God's working around me, i just can't feel Him, and progress seems excruciatingly slow to me. So one part of me thinks "finally, some progress!" while the other whines "what's taking so long?!?" My family thinks that i'm "spinning wheels" and going nowhere. It seems that no one understands just what it is that i'm going through... It's like i'm begging God "Here am i, send me!" and He keeps saying "no" so i am bereft. I have no delusions of gradeur, i want to do whatever God wants me to do, i just don't understand why He would promise me something and then close all the doors... unless He's testing me.
But i feel like i'm in a cage. I feel like i'm shouting in here and no one hears me. I know He hears me, but it's like He's ignoring me, and it's gotten to the point that i'm so tired of repeating myself that i'm tired of saying anything. I know He hears me anyway, but i don't know how to ask anymore. I've asked so many times for so long and to no avail. When will the answer ever be yes?
This month marks (approximately) my eighteenth birthday as a daughter of the King. I know that i am nothing without Him, that without Jesus my life would be meaningless and overwhelmed by the follies of a sinful lifestyle. I'm so grateful that He chose me, that He has dreams that are so much bigger than the ones i can even imagine.
I'm just afraid that i'm missing something, that i'm not saying the right words or that i'm not asking forgiveness for the right sins. I can't find anything in my life that's blocking Him. I know that i'm a sinner, but so much of what i am is what this period of my life has shaped me into. I know that might sound like a cop out but it's true. How can i know who to be if He does not clearly show me? I can only guess and hope. It's been six and a half years of darkness, and He's been so silent that i've become afraid that when i can feel Him again i will be overwhelmed with the light. I'm afraid that i'm praying the wrong things. I'm afraid that i'm making the wrong choices. I'm afraid that i've already messed up too much and it's too late for any of my dreams to come true; not that God has let me down... but that i've let Him down.
Satan and his minions laugh at me. I'm more scared of him than i should be. He's obviously scared of me, he's given me such a hard time. I know that i can do anything when Christ is giving me the strength. But at the same time i can't do anything if He doesn't give me the strength, and i don't feel like i have much strength anymore. I keep trusting that somehow He's going to make it okay, but i can't help but wonder if i've already let him down or if i will because i don't have the strength to hold on anymore. Does 1 Corinthians 10:13 apply in situations like this? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I feel dead. I don't know how to lift up my cross and follow Him. I don't know how to get up off the ground. I don't know how to reflect God's love to others. I don't know how He could use someone like me. I just pray that He will use me (because i know He can; He can do anything). I just try to pray that He'll give me the strength to get through this.
I don't know how to be positive. I don't know how to be optimistic. God will get me through this, i believe that: but i'm going through hell to get there. Earth is the closest that Christians get to Hell: lately it's been way too close for my liking. And try as i might, i can't think up any words to make things better.
I don't want to be Frodo. I don't want to give in to the dark once i've finally reached my destination. I don't want to give up on life and happiness and succumb to grief once the dark is past. I want to shine. I want to burn with an overwhelming passion for Jesus. I want to love with God's love. I know a lot of Christians probably think i'm off the deep end, that no one should worry about what God thinks and wants so much... I'm not sure what to say to them. All i know is what i feel God has taught me in the past. I think He wants me to take up my cross daily and follow Him. I think He wants me to dedicate even the small stuff to Him. I don't think He wants me to sweat it; i think He wants me to trust Him in all things.
I know i'm not very articulate. I just want God to use me. I love Him so much it hurts. I don't know how to deal with the pain. I hope you can sort of understand that and why i act the way i do, why i write what i write. I'm just trying to please Him. I really wish i knew how. And i know i should read my Bible more but i'm scared that He won't speak to me that way, either (it seems like usually even when i do read, He still doesn't show me what to do). I just miss Him and don't know what else to do. I'm trying so hard. I know it's not enough.
I really enjoyed reading this book. I've dreamt of going to Hawaii and learning how to surf for longer than i can remember. And it was cool to read about a young Christian who's passionately on fire for God despite difficult circumstances that are in her life. She thinks that it's important to remain upbeat and optimistic no matter what life throws you. And i feel guilty because i whine so much and focus on the waves instead of Jesus.
I know that i have few physical impediments to overcome, but i know that God gave me this test because it would be the hard one. If he would have given me cancer i don't think i would have minded half so much. The real test for me is waiting. I don't want to wait. I want to be in the arena, the ring, the battle, right now! And to me it's as if God is saying "No, not yet, wait," and that's the last thing i want to do. It's not logical to me.
It's a constant tug of war for me. With one eye i have given everything to God and am fully trusting Him; with the other i am looking around me, terrified, because i am totally out of control. Overall i'm pretty blind. I can see that God's working around me, i just can't feel Him, and progress seems excruciatingly slow to me. So one part of me thinks "finally, some progress!" while the other whines "what's taking so long?!?" My family thinks that i'm "spinning wheels" and going nowhere. It seems that no one understands just what it is that i'm going through... It's like i'm begging God "Here am i, send me!" and He keeps saying "no" so i am bereft. I have no delusions of gradeur, i want to do whatever God wants me to do, i just don't understand why He would promise me something and then close all the doors... unless He's testing me.
But i feel like i'm in a cage. I feel like i'm shouting in here and no one hears me. I know He hears me, but it's like He's ignoring me, and it's gotten to the point that i'm so tired of repeating myself that i'm tired of saying anything. I know He hears me anyway, but i don't know how to ask anymore. I've asked so many times for so long and to no avail. When will the answer ever be yes?
This month marks (approximately) my eighteenth birthday as a daughter of the King. I know that i am nothing without Him, that without Jesus my life would be meaningless and overwhelmed by the follies of a sinful lifestyle. I'm so grateful that He chose me, that He has dreams that are so much bigger than the ones i can even imagine.
I'm just afraid that i'm missing something, that i'm not saying the right words or that i'm not asking forgiveness for the right sins. I can't find anything in my life that's blocking Him. I know that i'm a sinner, but so much of what i am is what this period of my life has shaped me into. I know that might sound like a cop out but it's true. How can i know who to be if He does not clearly show me? I can only guess and hope. It's been six and a half years of darkness, and He's been so silent that i've become afraid that when i can feel Him again i will be overwhelmed with the light. I'm afraid that i'm praying the wrong things. I'm afraid that i'm making the wrong choices. I'm afraid that i've already messed up too much and it's too late for any of my dreams to come true; not that God has let me down... but that i've let Him down.
Satan and his minions laugh at me. I'm more scared of him than i should be. He's obviously scared of me, he's given me such a hard time. I know that i can do anything when Christ is giving me the strength. But at the same time i can't do anything if He doesn't give me the strength, and i don't feel like i have much strength anymore. I keep trusting that somehow He's going to make it okay, but i can't help but wonder if i've already let him down or if i will because i don't have the strength to hold on anymore. Does 1 Corinthians 10:13 apply in situations like this? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I feel dead. I don't know how to lift up my cross and follow Him. I don't know how to get up off the ground. I don't know how to reflect God's love to others. I don't know how He could use someone like me. I just pray that He will use me (because i know He can; He can do anything). I just try to pray that He'll give me the strength to get through this.
I don't know how to be positive. I don't know how to be optimistic. God will get me through this, i believe that: but i'm going through hell to get there. Earth is the closest that Christians get to Hell: lately it's been way too close for my liking. And try as i might, i can't think up any words to make things better.
I don't want to be Frodo. I don't want to give in to the dark once i've finally reached my destination. I don't want to give up on life and happiness and succumb to grief once the dark is past. I want to shine. I want to burn with an overwhelming passion for Jesus. I want to love with God's love. I know a lot of Christians probably think i'm off the deep end, that no one should worry about what God thinks and wants so much... I'm not sure what to say to them. All i know is what i feel God has taught me in the past. I think He wants me to take up my cross daily and follow Him. I think He wants me to dedicate even the small stuff to Him. I don't think He wants me to sweat it; i think He wants me to trust Him in all things.
I know i'm not very articulate. I just want God to use me. I love Him so much it hurts. I don't know how to deal with the pain. I hope you can sort of understand that and why i act the way i do, why i write what i write. I'm just trying to please Him. I really wish i knew how. And i know i should read my Bible more but i'm scared that He won't speak to me that way, either (it seems like usually even when i do read, He still doesn't show me what to do). I just miss Him and don't know what else to do. I'm trying so hard. I know it's not enough.
just heard on K-Love
who told us we'd be rescued ~ what has changed and ~ why should we be saved from nightmares ~ we're asking why this happens to us ~ who have died to live, it's unfair
this is what it means to be held ~ how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life ~ and you survive ~ this is what it is to be loved and know ~ that the promise was when everything fell ~ we'd be held
this hand is bitterness ~ we want to taste it and ~ let the hatred numb our sorrows ~ the wise hand opens slowly ~ to lilies of the valley and tomorrow
if hope if born of suffering ~ if this is only the beginning ~ can we not wait, for one hour ~ watching for our Savior
~ from Held as sung by Natalie Grant
this is what it means to be held ~ how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life ~ and you survive ~ this is what it is to be loved and know ~ that the promise was when everything fell ~ we'd be held
this hand is bitterness ~ we want to taste it and ~ let the hatred numb our sorrows ~ the wise hand opens slowly ~ to lilies of the valley and tomorrow
if hope if born of suffering ~ if this is only the beginning ~ can we not wait, for one hour ~ watching for our Savior
~ from Held as sung by Natalie Grant
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