what i'm saying is...

what i'm listening to ~ Thousand Foot Krutch
what i'm reading ~ Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austin (just finished Acorna the Unicorn Girl and the Beginning Place)

Yesterday was a very strange Sunday. I went to church in the morning and didn't get blessed, my load only got heavier. I don't know why i expect to experience Him anymore, but i have to hold onto hope. I guess that i should explain that i go to church because it says in His Word that i shouldn't stop attending church (Hebrews 10:25). I go to this church because it's the one my family attends. But because of several things that have happened this past year i'm thinking about attending another church. But i don't know if that will be any different. I want to be where God wants me to be, i'm just not sure where that is.

About my last post: let me just say that i know that i will be able to spend eternity with God, i'm confident that i'm forgiven / saved / a Christian, the trouble is that i'm so overwhelmed with the here and now. I give things to God but my burden doesn't get any lighter, only heavier. I'm sure that it's only the cross that He's chosen for me to bear, but it's a heavy one. I'm so perplexed right now, and desperately trying not to be so selfish but feel that i must be just to survive. It's hard. What i was relating in my last post is that i've gotten to the point where i wonder if i'll ever feel / hear Him here on earth ever again. And i don't know how i feel about the possibility of that being a no.

It's really been getting to me lately how my family still expects me to do exactly what they expect. They just don't get it. And they'll lie about me to my face and laugh it off and say that i just can't take a joke. It's not funny and lying certainly isn't a joke. Am i overly defensive? I feel like i'm constantly under attack. If i am doing what i'm supposed to be doing (God's will) then i will be constantly under attack.

I think what i've been feeling so acutely is "God's curse" as outlined in Romans 8:18-25. I know i need to pray more. It's hard for me because i don't sense the Spirit's groanings for me (verse 26). I pray that He will groan for me, but i don't have the words or the one on one with God that i used to know. Last night we had a prayer walk at our church and i felt guilty that i pray for myself so much and not enough for others. I think that happens to a lot of people. We get so wrapped up in our own problems. My Mom says we could have it so much worse, but i think that it would be easier for me if my problems were something tangible like cancer or homelessness or starvation. What i have is an overwhelming desire to serve God, and overwhelming heartache for the world in its sinful state, and i don't have the slightest idea how to help / serve / act. So many people are ignoring the problems that are staring them in the face. I don't have that luxury.

At the end of the summer i plan to go to school full time, audition for fall productions, and snowboard as soon as snow allows. I don't know if i will audition for American Idol. I don't know if i will have workstudy in the costume shop. I don't know if i'm doing God's will. I don't know anything. I want to go to Biola next year but maybe i should have aimed for this year. It's so much money and seems impossible. Everything seems impossible. I know that nothing is impossible with God but i'm still waiting and wondering how He's going to get me through this. I don't know how to act, to do. I'm just trying to get through this. I know i'm not doing it with very much grace, but i just want to be like Him. I hope that makes sense.