ugh

i picked up He's Just Not that Into You at the grocery store the other day for a moment, and perused the table of contents:

You Are All Dating the Same Guy
1 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out
2 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Calling You
3 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Dating You
4 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Having Sex with You
5 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Having Sex with Someone Else
6 He's Just Not That Into You If He Only Wants to See You When He's Drunk
7 He's Just Not That Into You If He Doesn't Want to Marry You
8 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Breaking Up with You
9 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Disappeared on You
10 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Married (and Other Insane Variations of Being Unavailable)
11 He's Just Not That Into You If He's a Selfish Jerk, a Bully, or a Really Big Freak

This was the source of one of the sinking feelings that i've had over the course of the past week. We can discard #4 (i'm not sure it's apt, seeing how i wouldn't let that happen), but i with Brad i was always a victim of #s 1, 3, 7. Then came #s 9, 2, 8, 11, 6, and 5. That's a lot of numbers! It's hard for me not to wonder if he ever really loved me, or was just using me. i don't want to think that way about him, i want to hang on to hope, to dream about the possibility of getting back together, which is just really, really stupid.

Which brings me back to the first source of that sinking feeling. In Brit Lit this week we read "Impercipient" by Thomas Hardy, which is kind of a made up word, and the teacher asked the class to define it. One guy said: "It's the chick that still thinks that she and her boyfriend are going to get back together months after he broke up with her." Yeah, i've been feeling stupid lately, what with my dreaming of Brad, getting in arguments with my "friend" Laz (he certainly hasn't been acting like a friend), and trying to reconnect with old online friends that have lied to me (see, this rogue Curse has always claimed to be a girl. A long time ago we were in UBRS and BWL and (s)he wouldn't get on Vent so we were saying... you must be a guy. Megan always thought Curse was a guy, i was sure she was a she. It turns out... Curse is a guy. i don't understand why he couldn't say that up front, now it feels like a betrayal). How is one supposed to trust people that aren't honest???