burnt out

I've gotten to one of those places where i'm so tired that i don't want to try anymore. I'm not depressed, i'm just fed up and discouraged. And yet i don't really feel anything anymore. I've been trying really hard to make things work since school started; i don't know how i'm holding on, but i am. College is stressful because most teachers act like their class is the only one you're taking. The professors in the acting department have unreasonable demands; their excuse? "That's the way it is in real life," and in the real industry. So perpetuating a cycle that you didn't start is a valid excuse now?

I know that i'm being negative and i don't want to be. I don't want to curse anymore, either. Every day i'm surrounded by it, so i've gotten used to it, but i don't want to compromise anymore. I want to be pure, and have more faith, and love. I want to change the industry and i can't do that if i compromise. I don't know how to be anybody else though. I don't know how to be the woman God wants me to be or who God wants me to be.

At church this week the pastor said if you take one step to God He'll meet you but i don't know how to take a step towards God anymore. Where's God? I can't find Him. I know that i don't have enough faith, i don't know how this could be true and there can still be a God, but when i talk to God i don't hear Him answer, when i cry out for help i don't feel Him comforting me. I know that my life could be a lot worse from a physical standpoint but to me there can be nothing worse because i don't have Him anymore. I know He's here with me, i know Satan is lying to me, but at the same time... Why doesn't He show me His will? Why doesn't He show me how to be more like Him? It feels like He's trying to push me away, that He doesn't care, but i know that isn't true... and yet it is.

I didn't let go of God, but i can't find Him either. I can't run towards Him because i don't know where He is. I can't take a step because it's like i'm in a cage that i can't escape. I know God can save me, i know He can unlock the bars, i know He can be the wind beneath my wings, so why won't He do those things? What have i done wrong? I didn't do some heinous sin, i've always tried to live my life for Him and do everything He wants. So what am i doing wrong?

I hate going in circles like this. I'm trying to be strong, hang in there, all the same stuff, but i've been doing this a long time: six years, nine months, twenty-three days. How long do i have to wait? I don't feel like i'm growing patience, i feel like i'm dying. I want to be like God, i want to display the fruit of the Spirit, and instead i'm failing.

On 43 Things someone commented today that i shouldn't be in a hurry to marry and have kids. She said i'm in the best days of my life, that i should be making money and advancing a career, that she envies me. She says i should also take two years to get to know a man before i marry him (great, just what i need, more wait). But all those things she says i could do (backpacking, going out for drinks on a whim, etc.) i can't do because i'm poor. I don't want a career; i want to get married and have kids and raise them in the Lord. Forget doing the career thing, that's not what i want (i want to have it all but it seems impossible, so i'd rather just have the family). The only reason i want to act is because God told me that it's what He wants me to do.

Still, i know i'm looking for a guy for the wrong reasons right now, i'm looking for comfort and security and passion that i'm not finding in God anymore. So that's why i'm not in a relationship. A man can't solve my problems. That's also the reason i'm not sure i should go into the military. I love my country, would die for it if need be, but the real reason i would be doing it is financial security and that is not relying on God.

The simple truth is that there's nothing i can do on my own. I'm helpless. I've tried everything. Trying to do more will be a waste of time if God still wants me where i am, down and dependent on Him while He's doing whatever He's doing (i'm obviously not in on it). And i hate this. I want to be happy, i want to be full of life, i want to be content with where God has put me, but how can i be when He's absent?

Depression is a waste of time. I don't know how to pray any harder or any more. I can't fully describe what i'm going through without using foul language so i'll sign off.