relief

The thing about unloading is that i feel guilty afterwards. I always wish i was stronger. While i'm in one of my funks i feel perfectly justified, but afterwards i feel selfish and selfless all at once. I'm not in control of my life. I don't want to make demands of God. At the same time i don't know how to survive in the place He's put me, let alone thrive.

I've been blessed in so many ways but at the same time i feel like it's not enough. I don't have to have everything, all the latest toys, etc., i just need Him. Why should i feel selfish to want that? I know i don't deserve Him, but i've accepted the gift, i've changed my life and given it to Him. Is it wrong to expect all that He has promised in return?

I've decided that my view of God--no matter what happens or doesn't happen--can not be like in Dogma. God will not die if He doesn't follow through, nor will He cease to be the loving God i grew up walking with. If anyone is wrong, it is me, and He has every right to change His mind if He so chooses. There is nothing that He is incapable of, and that means nothing. I think that's one of the biggest problems with todays society (both the saved and unsaved): we try to put limits on God and tell Him what He can or can not do. That's what i turned my back on when i decided to let go and let God do His will in my life, no matter the personal cost. I don't understand what He's doing, but i have to trust that He has what's best for me at heart.

So i'm sorry if i've been kind of whiny, i just want Satan to give me a break is all. Hanging in there...