political confessions

I haven't made it a secret what my intentions were when voting this election season. Last time around i did not like Romney any more than i liked McCain, and i hated myself for voting against Obama rather than writing in Ron Paul or voting for another party's candidate.  Very soon thereafter Paul disappointed me in a way that made me decide that i cannot vote for him, and i have since decided that any candidate i support has to support a strong military, particularly because he's becoming the Commander in Chief.  Obama has had years to convince me to come over to his side, but all that he has done, everything he has said, has only hardened my resolve that i would do just about anything, vote for anyone, to get him out of office.

It's not that i hate him (which is what so many assume). I try to respect him even as he is thumbing his nose at everything that makes the position to which he aspired great, which makes America great. I haven no room in my heart for hate. But i do disagree with him with my heart and mind. I would never threaten his life, not be rude to his face were i to meet him, i would stand in deference to his position.  But i cannot vote for him. I am too wise to believe the lies.  It is shocking how many times he lies! At it seems as if there is intended to be this pedestal version of him that ignores those lies and pretends that he can do no wrong and as if half (at least) of what he has said is meaningless.  It is the ignored half that is most important to me, what do i care about the face he puts on when his real one is plain as day?  I have been watching him for five years now, i know him well.

When Romney started pulling ahead as the frontrunner of the GOP nominees i was more than a little upset.  In many ways Romney and Obama seem similar, so i find it amusing that the Left professes to hate him so much. For a long time i thought that i would just vote for a third party, but it gradually became clear to me that such an action would be the same thing as throwing my vote away.  This country is not ready to accept a third party candidate in a presidential race, i don't know why.

The irony is this...when this race began about a year ago, i was determined to hate Romney.  I didn't want him as the GOP candidate, i didn't like his tactics from four years earlier, i didn't think there was any way i could ever vote for him.  So i didn't like him on Facebook, i didn't put his sticker on the car i drive (one of which still has a W on the back of it), and i didn't immerse myself in the election as thoroughly as i might have. I still don't think he's as good of a debater as Newt or as passionate as Bachmann.  But i will say this: he has surprised me.  He has managed to make me like him more.  I don't like some of what he did in Massachusetts but he does understand that what he did should and did happen on the state level.  That at least is a step in the right direction.

The ultimate irony...his binders of women make me like him even more.  His wife stayed at home and did the things that a wife should from a conservative point of view.  But for the women who wanted or needed to have it both ways, to work and have a family, he supported them, too.

So to sum up, what it takes to earn my vote...

1. Pro-life
2. Weaker federal government
3. Strong military
4. Strong economy

And Mitt seems to have all of the above.  I have walked away from the poll feeling better about my vote than i did four years ago.  I don't feel like i sold out, the way i once assumed i would.  Would have i preferred another candidate? Originally i would have said yes.  But now? I think Romney is going to continue to surprise me.

this will probably sound mean

I keep hearing this line from multiple sources that being against abortion must mean that those Republican men just want to control women's bodies.  Universal healthcare is this elevated ideal meant to be worshiped.  This kind of think (while they are entitled to it) is looking at the issue with blinders on.

1. I am not stopping you from having sex.  But i can't afford to pay for your birth control and you can't make me.  It isn't only against my religion, it's against my common sense.  You can buy your own Pill, condoms, or keep your pants on.
2. A baby is a baby is alive has a right to life and to kill it equals murder.  Period. Put that aside, and what Planned Parenthood won't tell you is that getting an abortion isn't harmless to the mother on a physical, emotional, or spiritual level.  Far from it.
3. Universal healthcare does not work.  No one gets care in a timely manner.  To say that is like looking at our legal system and saying "This is working perfectly, just as intended."  No, because people are waiting years and cannot afford to defend themselves and it's all overrun.  Which is exactly what the healthcare system will be like.  Only then it will be playing with lives.  People will be denied care that they should have a right to.
4. Death panels do exist in Obamacare.  This means that the panel will control your health decisions because you are too stupid to (in their mind) to make your own choices.  Furthermore, this can only mean that you will be pushed to have testing done while pregnant that you might not want to have and could be required to have an abortion if your child is going to unduly tax the system in their opinion.  Do you want the government telling you that you can't have your baby with Down's, Autism, etc.?

It sounds like science fiction; it begins next year.

why i'm ad free

I try to ignore banner ads, but sometimes they're just too...noticeable.  I don't think the author of a blog can control what ads are posted on their blog (maybe i'm wrong, but i think they're targeted towards the viewer).  Tonight an ad caught my attention, much to my dismay.

What the Frak happened to Jennifer Hudson? When did she become just another anorexic paperdoll?!?  She was so beautiful and now she has no hips and small boobs!!!  WHY?!?

That said...does Weight Watchers really work then?  I'm pretty sure that i've known people who haven't had any luck with it and the enforced support group aspect really does not appeal to me.  I might be tempted to buy their product but having to pay a membership fee doesn't really fit into my budget.  I would much rather just buy natural food.  Maybe i'm in denial.

To Clydesdale or not to Clydesdale

Apparently the Ironman races no longer contain Clydesdale and Athena divisions and haven't done so since 2008.  I wasn't aware of this since i was not actually training for my first triathlon yet and am still a long way away from thinking that an Ironman is something even remotely possible for me to complete.  I can't imagine completing a half-Ironman.

But it is apparent in the thread that i stumbled upon that even having Clydesdale/Athena divisions in any race causes some contention.  There seems to be a disagreement about what it means, and i have discovered that i myself seem to have been misinformed.   Kevin was pretty articulate about it:

The clydesdale division is EXACTLY for those big dudes who are nothing but muscle. It wasn't created for fatties, this is the biggest failure in the clydesdale movement right now.

Clydesdale racing is not for an out of shape fat guy to claim an award, although at small races that often happens. Clydesdale racing is about those large framed muscled up guys. These guys train their asses off, work VERY hard, and given their size put in some amazing performances. However due to the nature of their build, they will never score in their age group at a big race.

I have the perfect example, a friend of mine named Lance from Delaware, has a 5k time in the low 18s his size was 6'5" and 250 pounds. That performance is pretty well unbelievable, smokin. To do this he needed to d a lot of training, lot of running, all the right things and he even needed to have some natural gifts. He is built as solid as a rock, not a fat guy at all.

Now, while an admirable performance low 18s won't even sniff the age group awards at a 5k with a decent number of runners in it. So Joe Law decided these type of performances should get an award. I think a lot of people agree that this is a reasonable thing to do.

However, at a lot of small races, it;s not only the big strongly built guys you see getting an award, occasionally you get the guy who is kinda bug but mostly just needs to lose weight. Sometimes he sneaks in there and takes an award, the problem with this is that when others see it, it changes the perception of what clydesdale racing is about. It makes people think it is about a bunch of out of shape guys giving each other awards, and that's not really what it is about. It is EXACTKLY about the guys built like the fellows at the race you saw.

Here's more on how it got started, notice that times follow weight, not BMI but weight.

The concept of weight division competition and the moniker “Clydesdale”, can be traced back to a Baltimore area statistician name Joe Law who founded the Clydesdale Runners Association in the mid-1980s. Joe Law convinced the race director of the Marine Corps Marathon and several other local races to include a field on race applications for competitors to record their weight. This data provided the basis for Joe’s statistical analysis of running performance vs. weight, and he determined with mathematical precision, that a runner’s weight and speed in road races are inversely proportional. Above 160 or 170 pounds there is a sharp drop off in times. This observation provided the basis for concept of weight division competition, so that big runners could compete amongst their peers, on a more level playing field. The concept is analogous to offering age-division competition in road races and has gained grudging support through the years. Joe coined the term “Clydesdale” to identify big athletes. Clydesdales are big and strong horses—perhaps not the fastest, but certainly amongst the most determined of the workhorses. Weight division competitors relish being compared to their equine anima. Sadly, Joe Law passed away in 1991 and the national Clydesdale movement stalled.

Wow.  This makes a lot of sense since Clydesdales are not fat horses, they are huge, muscular, slow and strong horses.  The interesting thing to me is that i still fit in this category.  I am not tall by any means but even when at my lowest weight i was considered to be about thirty pounds overweight and firmly in the Athena group by fifteen pounds.  I was in the best shape of my life but too "overweight" to enlist.  I am slow and steady about swimming, biking, and running, a fact which drove my swim team coach and mountain biking instructor bonkers.  But in Softball i was one of our strongest hitters and would consistently get doubles because i could hit it far and would run full out, getting more speed in that situation that i would while running for endurance.  Determination is what it has always been about for me no matter what the sport.

One thing i do not agree with Kevin about is being termed a "fatty".  I gained my weight kicking and screaming.  I have always tried to eat healthfully, i don't drink often (in fact, rarely would be the accurate term), and for most of my adult life i have consistently worked out three-six days a week.  How dare he assume that someone like me is a couch potato when i am unable to lose weight when on a strict regimen such as this and when i work out less than three times a week will randomly gain fifteen-fifty pounds?  Yes fifty, when i was about to turn eighteen i jumped from ~180 to ~230 while we were moving to Colorado.  I attribute my weight gain to stress but have no idea why i cannot lose weight.  There are others whose weight gain is medical, perhaps because of medication they have to take.

I'm sorry if i'm being a broken record.  Three years ago i thought i was on track.  Only losing ten-fifteen pounds after training for over three months, part of it six days a week and two workouts a day, was discouraging, but i kept at it.  Even six months later, after a painful injury, i kept working out about four-five days a week.  My body was different back then, i was a lot more muscular and down a pant size.  You want to know why i stopped training?  Because i wanted to graduate from college.  I reached a point where i couldn't get all my homework done even when i wasn't training.  I quit work, i quit training, and i worked my butt off in a new way.  And in the process i have lost muscle and gained fat.  I reached my goal, i graduated from college and even managed to bring my GPA back up to a 3.0.

People assumed that i was proud of this accomplishment.  I'm not.  It was surreal at the time and i have long felt that i was duped into going to college.  I allowed myself to be sucked into the lie that one has to go to college to be intelligent and that if one has a degree a comfortable middle-class life is guaranteed.  Such things are not true, there are no guarantees, and there are people i know who are much better educated than i am who are in the same place without as much support, who work two jobs or barely make ends meet.  College is a scam.  It was more of the high school machine where you are required to read and temporarily master certain artificial definitions of "knowledge" and when the love of true learning is squashed and the time to do so is restricted.  Now don't get me wrong, i really enjoyed being in college to a certain extent, and i even miss parts of it.  There were teachers who greatly influenced me and that i was glad to have as a part of my life.  But the system is flawed, just as public school is, just as there an alternative in homeschooling, i feel there needs to be an alternative for higher learning to college.  I am in so much debt and have little to show for my very considerable efforts.

What i was proud of was finishing that triathlon.  It was only a sprint, and i was one of the slowest people out there, but i finished the race.  I am a Clydesdale in that way, i believe in perseverance, strength, and willpower.  So to the naysayers to the Clydesdale/Athena divisions can i just say that you are being elitest jerks.  Not everyone has the body of a runner, and do you know what, that is not anyone's fault, it's genetics.  We can't control who our parents, grandparents, ancestors were.  We can't control what bone structure we have or if we bulk up or if our muscles lengthen.  We can't control that because we can't engineer better athletic bodies before they are even born and even if we could there is no gene for the human spirit.

But finishing that triathlon seems to be the pinnacle of my achievement and it's all downhill again.  I did finish my mountain biking class, but i certainly did not master the activity or keep up with the pack.  I was only competing against my former self, but of course there was very strong peer pressure to be something that God did not design me to be, that i never will be.  That isn't fair.  So you people who consider yourself to be the true athletes, are you so special because you just happened to have the right body type?  I bet you would be pissed off at me if i believed that.  You put in the training, too, you've sacrificed just as i have.  I don't think any less of you because you haven't had my struggles, why do you think less of me because of mine?  But if you were required to strap on a fat suit on race day, would you even compete?  I've been required to strap on a fat suit every day for the past twelve years and was treated as if i was fat for the ten years before that.

Okay, so i admit it...i am the one who chose to go to college, so it's my own fault that i'm in debt and chained to a future i don't really want (that is to say, working to pay off my debt rather than working to thrive).  And i chose college over training for more triathlons.  So why do i continue to not train?  Number 1 reason is exhaustion and not wanting to be injured again.  Number 2 is that i need to get my act together.  Number 3 is i feel like i have less time now than i did while doing school and working simultaneously.  Part of this is structure:  while i was in school i had the same classes five days a week and my work schedule changed very little.  I had my day of "rest" fall on Saturday because i worked all day and was able to schedule my workouts around my classes even with the campus pool closed because it was being rebuilt.  Now i am working more and my schedule changes every week.  I need to make room in my life for training and very tentatively.  I'm not sure that i can handle training and working 7-9 hour days.  Before i was only working 4-6 hour days (except Saturdays) and sitting on my butt in class the rest of the time.  Now i stand all day long and it hurts.  This is going to be a process, i can't dive into this thoughtlessly, i need to make sure i do it right.  Because i'm not as young as i used to be and slow and steady wins the race.

June workouts of note

In June it felt like i worked a lot.  There was one period where i worked for four days, took care of my grandparents for four days, then worked three more days... straight.  That's eleven days without a day off.

Two workouts stand out:  a light swim workout (150m?) and a hike/wade/rock climbing expedition.  I banged up my left shin on two different rocks and bruised my left bicep.  I wore my Vibrams and because of the pebbles/rocks in the bottom of the stream my feet seriously hurt for several days.  I wish i would have worn my Airwalk Teva-type shoe instead as a result.

Why i haven't been training...100 degree weather and fatigue.  My leg muscles have been complaining a lot.  I am struggling to drink enough water.  I don't feel like i have the energy to train.  But i miss it so much.  This week i was in the warehouse two days straight and my calves still hurt.  At the end of a shift i can barely walk (though to be fair i can run, different muscle group entirely).  This needs to change and soon.

I want to change my diet but i'm not sure where to begin.  More to come.

Breaking the Mold (700th post)

My mother had a copy of Color Me Beautiful when i was a child.  I assumed that i was a summer, like my mother is.  I look a lot like her.  My sister and i were draped once in 4-H and years later at a church pamper party/sleepover.  Both times were a surprising experience for me.   The first time i discovered that i was not in fact a summer, but an autumn.  I didn't even like most of the autumn colors in the Color Me Beautiful palette!  But i did gradually come to realize that while blue brings out the color of my (rare for an autumn) turquoise eyes, i usually look better in rust, avocado, gold, and brown (those dreaded Tupperware colors!) than pink, sea foam green, lemon yellow, or black.  I even gradually grew to like these colors (gasp!).


The second time i was draped, we were again surprised.  I had been lifeguarding that summer and was very tan, possible darker than i have ever been before and am likely to ever be again.  None of the colors seemed to flatter with my darker coloring.  We couldn't decide between warm or cool.  It was given up and it bothered me for a long time.  Shouldn't colors still be flattering if your skin darkens or pales, as it did once i reached twenty-one and stopped spending so much time outside?


I already mentioned that i have blue eyes.  To be fair there is some hazel in their, too, around my pupil and a slate blue around the outer edge.  But my hair is inexplicable.  I grew up with blonde hair, it was never very pale after the age of about three or four though.  It was a horrific dishwater blonde that i could not stand, far too ash for my sensibilities.  I always wanted red hair, but didn't think i (a presumed summer) would look good with red, so i wished for brown, instead.  The trouble is that a true brown would probably be too dark for my coloring, but i didn't know that until later.  The irony is that that summer i got too tan, my hair turned into a beautiful honey blonde all on its own.  I was so happy, my hair wasn't too light or too dark and it went reddish on its own!  Alas, by the time i turned eighteen it had darkened into a horrible ash brown that i soon started to highlight and dye.


Those who are really into color analysis will tell you that your body will produce colors that flatter you.  They might as well tell me that my body will produce shapes that flatter me, it seems just as believable.  Of course i agree in theory, but personal experience has taught me that my natural hair color was only ever flattering for one year out of thirty.  I have tried going back to my natural hair.  It is a very strange black-blonde, iridescent to the point of having no color at all in it except a very dark gray that looks horrible with my coloring.  I like the color gray but have been told that i should never wear it by some of these analysts writings.  I have yet to find a gray hair on my head but the ash is so extreme that it's distressing.


Fairly recently, my sister discovered colors again.  I have no idea how or when she stumbled upon the idea that there are actually twelve "season"s, not four, but she let me in on the secret about a year ago.  When she had been draped we had always thought that she was a winter, but she has come to the conclusion that she is actually a Bright Spring.  She's had a similar battle with her blonde hair because she always felt blah with her shade and resorted to dying her hair red and strawberry blonde.  She was naturally strawberry blonde at the beginning of her life i am told by our mother, but she quickly became tow headed.  Armed with new, brighter colors she is coming to terms with her hair.  The irony is that the colors i was originally given to work with made me hate my hair even more.


So what of the new Autumns: Soft, True/Warm, and Deep?  I kept dabbling in it on and off for months.  I definitely am not a Deep Autumn.  Nothing about me is dark, except my skin when i send entire summers out of doors, and that's only dark for a Caucasian.  For a while i was convinced that i must be a Soft Autumn.  They are close to Summer and as a result lean cooler.  I think that the main thing that drew me to this season was the fact that some of the colors they were showing were more muted than the bright colors of a True Autumn.  That appealed to me for a long time.  But at the same time, if i looked at a palette, many of the colors  were simply too pale.  In addition, the longer that i have worked in a job that requires me to wear blue and khaki every day (with a royal blue right next to my face), the more i have wanted to rebel and wear Warm Spring colors...mostly because i am tired of feeling drab, unremarkable, and can't seem to find any descent Autumn colors anywhere i shop.


Which brought me back to Warm Autumn...which some analysts say can borrow from Warm Spring.  Perhaps this appeals to me because of the celebrity red heads that are pictured in relation to this season?  I am not convinced, but I will stay with it for the time being.  The only other option, I feel, is the possibility that I am a Soft Autumn Deep in the fledgeling 16 Season system.  I'm not sure if that's me leaning back to muted colors in a way, i have yet to see any palettes for this "new" season.

I recently did a series of "makeovers" based off of one photo. Looking at these did little to help.  I must be some kind of chameleon because in the photos the ash colors don't even look that bad on me, nor the pink (which i used to hate and still rarely wear).  I just don't know where i fit.  Except i know that i'm not a winter.  The weakness of these makeovers is that the colors i can use are limited to my face and hair...i can't drape the photos.


You ever hear the expression "When God made you, he threw away the mold?"  I would be rather surprised if i have ever fit into a mold.  Take the Kibbe system...apparently in the 80's this guy wrote a book that basically said that if you have a certain body type you should dress a certain way.  I took two different quizzes, perhaps the most helpful being the illustrated one (i.e. it had celebrity examples).  You can find the links to that here and here.  So i took this quiz three separate times and got three separate answers:  Natural, Dramatic Classic, and dominant Bs and Cs with equal As and Es.


Natural is what i assumed i would be, but some of it just doesn't fit my personal sense of style.  There was a time where i would have been okay with Dramatic Classic, but that was when i was in junior high, and i only dipped into that sensibility briefly.  Kibbe seems to have missed out on my type entirely (what about athletic girls who only ever wear workout clothes?  Beach Wear?  Ethnic clothing?  Why no Ingenue?).  I'm not entirely convinced that he knew what he was talking about and furthermore i'm not convinced that the shape of a person's body should define their personality!


But to demonstrate what Kibbe made me feel...i am going to take the quiz again, and instead of trying to fit myself into his categories, if none of the answers apply i am going to choose F.  Which might as well equal Fat but i chose because they always have five options, A-E.

1. Vertical Line - A (i'm only 5'5", but people always think that i'm taller)
2. Shoulders - F (i want to go with B, but in reality i have football pads for shoulders: they are broad, muscular, and soft)
3. Arm/Leg Length - F (my legs are an average length, my arms are short)
4. Hands - F (small/stubby and broad)
5. Body Type - B (with a lot of fat covering it)
6. Bustline - E
7. Waistline - B (again, lots of fat)
8. Hips - A? (i want to say F again...)
9. Arm/Thigh Flesh - F (i can't choose between B and E, and think that E would only be because i am overweight.  How is flesh elongated?)
10. Jawline - C (Nearly put F because what jawline?  It is covered with a quadruple chin.  Even when thin i have a double chin.)
11. Nose - C
12. Cheekbones - B or E (i'm not certain)
13. Eyes - C
14. Lips - C
15. Cheeks - C?
16. Hair - B

To Sum Up
A - 2
B - 2
C - 5
D - 0
E - 2
F - 4


With all of those F's i probably would put B if i were to force myself into a category.  But C = that Dramatic Classic of which i am definitely not a member!  Kibbe obviously had a narrow vision of women.


Last night an old casual friend of mine posted a link on Facebook to Back When Women Wanted to Get Fat.  I bet you i couldn't go pick up some Wate-On at my local drugstore.  Is my body the old ideal?  Am i living in the wrong time?  I really think that my body has been ravaged by the modern food industry.  My breasts don't have the same shape as the bras i wear and are threatening to grow again, probably because my waist has expanded a little bit.  It's scary.  I don't want to be thin, but any time i try to lose weight i only lose 10-15 pounds...and when i stop working out six days a week i gain 30-50.  I don't want to break 300 but if i do diet/train again then it will probably happen.  I need serious help now.

Rimmel Moisture Renew Lip Gloss

I don't normally write about beauty products here.  Maybe I should because every athena must want to look her best.  Let me just preface this by saying that I have had nothing but praise for Rimmel in the past.  I love their nail polish (high praise since i wear it so rarely and it's the only brand that i can say that of), eye liner (which just pops, even in brown), and eye crayons.  They usually have colors that i can wear, unlike some other brands where it has been torture in the past to find anything that my warm complexion will be flattered by.

With my eyelids and fingernails happy, i thought it was time to try out their lip products.  I was getting ready to go to a concert one night and had a new dress that probably would have benefited from a red-orange lip color, or even a purple one (which would be a first for me), but i wanted something safer and coral.  It is very hard to find a warm coral.  Rimmel had one, and not too expensively priced (i'm thinking i payed $5-6 at Wal-Mart).  I think i even tried to look up reviews with my smart phone but didn't find anything with my app.  I should have used Google but i don't know that would have helped.  The precursor to this product, the lipstick w/SPF 18 (this is SPF 15) comes highly recommended, with 4-5 stars across the board.

When i do dramatic eyes (which is my usual thing, my eyes are one of my best features) then i don't want a dramatic mouth.  So i usually use lip gloss rather than lipstick.  I want something thinner, more natural looking, that moisturizes, and above all it must taste good.  This is like my rule that it doesn't matter how nice a shoe looks, if it doesn't fit right and if its uncomfortable then it is not staying on my foot!  I'm not going to eat the lipgloss, but i will taste my lips regardless, particularly when eating.  I want a tint, not an artificial layer of color.  My rule with makeup is always to enhance but usually to look as natural as possible.  I've tried the dark eyes look and was appalled when i saw the final result.  I had worked on it a long time, too, and ended up wiping a lot of it off, going with something lighter in the end.  Which is a good example of the fact that i'm probably a Soft Autumn.

Anyways, i'm not to happy with my first try with Rimmel lip product.  I wrote a comment on a beauty blog just a few minutes ago, but i have no idea if it will be published.  My comment follows:

I'm offended that there's no actual review of this product!  The only thing that's awesome about this lip gloss is the packaging...if metallic purple appeals to you.  I bought color #117 Peach Fusion over a month ago.  It is the doe foot applicator and the tube is bottlenecked at the end, meaning I have to yank to get the applicator out and the gloss gets scraped off inside the tube.

The first time I used this gloss it seemed more liquid than I was expecting and I couldn't tell that I had put anything on.  The second time I was able to get a thicker coverage...but only barely.  The gloss smells and tastes like bargain sunscreen, not even a cocoa butter infused variety.  There is no discernible tint on my lips, just a slight shimmer.  My lips sting slightly...I imagine the collagen is to blame, though I don't remember this being advertised as a lip plumper.  If I put a lot on I do get a lot of shine, but my lips look paler, with no discernible color, and the taste is awful.

Mine is going in the trash.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. I'm am capable of squeeing along with the next girl, but when you write a beauty blog shouldn't you also save your readers a few bucks and tell them the pros and cons of each product that you're trying? Maybe i should write about which beauty products i wear more often...only i don't wear beauty products often. Not many at any rate, lips being the only thing that i cover repeatedly over the course of a day lest they chap painfully (this is usually Strawberry Chapstick, moisturizing, tastes good, slightly tinted, cheap).  The last time i wore makeup on a daily basis was while i was on the Mediterranean cruise with my grandmother and two sisters.  To be honest, the makeup i use most often is my L'Oreal HIP Jelly Balm in #420 Savory...but this line has been discontinued. I was able to buy two last jars/pots online and hope to make them last.

Which comes to my last question...why was i shopping for coral lip gloss when i probably already had some in my purse? My Jelly Balm isn't very colorful but it certainly is more dramatic than simple Chapstick because of how glossy it is.  Sometimes i wonder if there's something wrong with me, because some days i just feel a compulsion to shop and its hard to resist.

Athleta

I got a new catalog in the mail today, an unexpected surprise.  Athleta appears to be a division of the Gap (which explains how they got my address...through Old Navy) which contains workout clothing for women, all of it pleasingly feminine without being impractical.  I am not sure if this brand is new but there are ten new stores opening this summer, one of them being in relatively nearby Denver.  Inside the catalog is pictures of women playing beach volleyball, running in/preparing for a triathlon, doing yoga, hiking, surfing, etc.  The clothes are colorful, the locations exotic such as beaches, golf courses, and Mayan ruins.  But i can't really provide a full review.

I love the idea of skorts for working out (actually, i would love to have a couple to work in)...but $69 is a bit beyond my budget.  The dresses are beautiful, but the 2X that is occasionally offered simply isn't big enough for me.  A DD swim top sounds perfect, but underwire never fits me right.  In an ideal world i would be able to shell out $100s to purchase and review several pieces of clothing, would put them through their paces like they do at BirthdayShoes, but i do not live in an ideal world.  Therefore i am simply going to comment that i like what i see, would like to see more in the future, but that this brand doesn't quite apply to the athena set...not yet at least.

So why does it matter?

Some of my readers may be wondering what my beef is with body image. What is wrong with me that I don't want to be as thin as possible? That I don't want to dress suggestively? That I am a virgin who is saving herself for marriage?

Man and woman were created in the image of God. God knits every baby together in their mother's womb. Doubting our beauty, trying to change our appearance to something unnatural or unhealthy, is flying in the face of God. It is denying the wisdom or validity of His plan and replacing it with a human construct that doesn't take into account His design and plan. Now of course there is the other extreme, where people let their health go entirely, who don't restrict their diet, but the key here is balance and seeking God's will as opposed to our own.

What is average, healthy, and natural is not something that we are aware of anymore. The unnatural extreme is the new normal. How do I know that? Because my normal, healthy, average body was always considered by peer and health guideline alike to be overweight. If our doctors don't even know what they're talking about...why should the layman? Fortunately, God does know what His ideal is and can give us peace about something that is outside of our control due to the way our food and lifestyle have changed over the past couple of centuries.

starting out on the 100-up challenge

I did 30 minor-ups at work on Monday. I feel like i am swaying from side to side way too much. There isn’t really enough room at my workstation, but i had hoped to do some while were were slow. After 30 i was starting to feel the burn.

I wasn’t sore on Tuesday, but i was ill, so i didn't get artound to truing them again.

On Wednesday i never had a chance to do more that 6-7 before i was interrupted. I did about 15-20 all together, trying to sway less, but i didn’t really feel like i was getting anywhere. I’m not sure that this is helping my running form at all. /: I may rethink this goal, going to look at my barefoot running book for some pointers.

Seventeen and body image

Around the time i was hitting puberty i remember thinking that Seventeen magazine was trash.  My mom and things i was reading (Brio, probably) told me that Seventeen was about dressing inappropriately, dating inappropriately, and unhealthy body image.  I've been wondering for over half my life if Seventeen, Cosmo, and every other beauty/fashion magazine out there is responsible for women having low self esteem, low body image, and the trend towards dressing inappropriately.  I've been wondering the past few years if magazines such as Prevention, Shape, Self, and Triathlete contribute towards those same issues.

Then a little over a week ago i turned on the radio.  It was a Sunday, which meant that my usual talk/news programs had been replaced by a sermon.  I have no idea who the minster was, and truth be told i only listened to him for a minute or two, but he did made me think.  He was teaching from Genesis, about original sin, and suddenly the issue was clarified for me.   Before anyone had eaten from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, no one cared about what their body looked like:

Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame. Genesis 2:25 (NLT)

But this changed after only a couple of verses:

The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. Genesis 3:6-7 (NLT)

So the first time anyone realized that their body needed to be hidden was after they had sinned and as a result of their sin.  Small children don't think twice about showing their nakedness, and some might argue that adults shouldn't worry about it either.  How much of our understanding and beliefs about modesty are constructed by society, rather than by the Bible?  I mean, where in the Bible does it say "Thou shalt not go without a bra"?  It's something i'd like to do some research about, what the Bible actually says on the subject, through which "author" (Moses, Paul, etc.), and what Jesus himself said.

But what all of these magazines are based off of is the societal and psychological belief that thin=sexy.  I happen to disagree.  Whenever i see supposed Before & After photos i usually think that the Before looks better or the After is too extreme.  Peter Jackson looks weird thin, sickly and less happy.  Can anyone imagine Queen Latifah thin?!?  Does anyone think that the crew of Star Trek TNG looked better in the first season than in the seventh?

The point is balance, certainly.  Our current collective ideal image is skewed towards an unhealthy and (to some) unobtainable model.  Some might point at magazines, the entertainment industry, the fashion industry, Barbie, the list could go on, but it all stems from fears that were triggered in the Garden of Eden.  These are beliefs that we aren't born with, but we do develop them as influenced by our upbringing from a relatively young age.  These beliefs start out being factual and external but gradually become personal and felt deeply.  I started feeling physically insufficient in second and third grade when social pressures and peers started telling me that i was fat.  I wasn't fat, not by a long shot, but my residual self-image, influenced by external biases, screamed at me that i was.

I have basically been wanting or trying to lose weight ever since.  That's twenty years of beating myself up because my body didn't fit a very narrow "ideal."  About half of my life i have been struggling with that ideal, between wanting to fit into it and knowing that i personally don't even agree with that ideal.  I don't want to be thin.  I want to be athletic, certainly, but i fully believe that a woman is mean to have curves and needs to have curves for her body to be healthy.  For a long time i have felt like an athletic person trapped inside a fat person's body, but i have suddenly become aware that my old residual self-image has changed.

I'm not sure when it happened, but now i just feel like a fat person who is not ashamed of being a fat person.  I would like to lose some weight, but i never, ever want to be thin.  Being plus-sized is who i am, is effectually part of who i was before i even became plus-sized.  I'm not saying that i set out to gain weight (in fact, my goals were the complete opposite), but i no longer see my weight as something negative.  I would rather be happy and enjoy my life and be plus sized than beat myself up and go to unhealthy lengths to become thin.

Do you see where my brain took that?  I think of becoming or being thin as unhealthy.  Dieting, overexercise, fasting, purging (from either end of one's body), it is all extremes that i am unwilling to go to.  The times when i lost the most weight were times when i was eating whatever i wanted (anything in sight, really, because i was constantly hungry) but i was exercising my butt off (literally).  I love to exercise, but i know that there are unhealthy extremes that should be avoided.

Body image has become tied up with an us vs. them mentality, this idea that one must be thin to be desirable.  When i look at super thin girls in skinny jeans i feel nauseous.  Some people come by that figure naturally.  I wonder if they are sickened by my appearance.  I wonder if they think they are fat when in reality they are anything but underweight.  What average is seems less clear than what the extremes are.  Is it my weight that sets me outside socially, or is it something else?

So i can't imagine being thin.  I can't even imagine being thinner, really.  The only reason it really matters to me is that i want to be a better triathlete.  I do have some competitive nature even if my main goals are to have fun and be healthy.  With my current job, any time i work a nine hour shift i cannot imagine going somewhere to work out.  I would love to have that energy, but the pain in my body wins out.  I recently realized that if i really meant to compete in this year's Highline Hustle then i should have started training in March (if not earlier), that April was too late.  And lately i've even considered going to the Dark Side.

Someone told me about Peak 8.  Simply put it's interval training to an extreme, no endurance expected, trying to get the most benefit out of the shortest amount of effort.  I'm not saying that it doesn't take effort, i'm saying it's not paced, it's not what i need to complete a triathlon.  Well, it might help me lose weight, but it won't prepare me for exercising for long periods of time.

And then i read about eating a raw diet.  Personally, i have always liked my meat rare (except fish, actually, which i prefer to be a little more well done, but of course not burnt).  I enjoy eating a lot of vegetables and fruits, i just don't feel like i have the time/energy/money to prepare them.  When i was triathlon training before i was spending a lot of money on salmon, organic food, etc.  I was eating way more raw compared to my diet now, but i'm not sure if the difference in how i felt then can be attributed solely to diet.  I do think that i need to stop drinking sodas, but that is more of a concern about sugar than caffeine.  I think i need to cut a lot of sugar and salt out of my diet and stop eating fast food (or out at all, really).  I am prepared to start eating more organic fruits and vegetables but i am not prepared to cut all meat out of my diet.

My goal...i don't care about losing a hundred pounds anymore.  I want to eat healthier.  I want to exercise more.  I want to complete another Sprint and start working towards an Olympic.  I think that i need to start exercising despite the pain and fatigue or i'm never going to ever start and my weight will get worse.  I still don't want to ever break 300 pounds.  So i guess to start out that i'm going to start working on my barefoot running technique, repair my bike (it currently has a flat and could possibly use a tune up), and look into swimming again.

first run in vibrams

Yesterday was track practice for four of my six siblings and the family went along to watch and get a little exercise in. It was kinda windy. I strapped on my Sprints and went for my first run in them. I ran about 0.3 miles and walked about 0.9. I didn't have any pain while running (though it did feel a little different) , just some slight fatigue. Later last night, my family went swimming. Both of my calves took turns cramping but not severely. Today my legs were stiff and slightly sore from hip to toe. I think it was a good difficulty level as far as workouts go. I just hope that I'm recovered before my next shift on Monday.

sorry for the delay

I have been very busy with work but some progress has been made, however slight.

I purchased my first pair of Vibrams (in Slate/Palm).  Well, first i purchased the wrong size because i couldn't actually try them on (the style i wanted is not available at the local REI) and followed the chart rather than my gut, but after another order and return i'm now wearing the right size.  I'm a little annoyed about the poky side of the velcro strap being at the base facing out rather than at the end of the strap and in.  I've broken them in and they feel lovely until i've stood in them for four hours straight.  I'm not sure i'll ever be able to wear them for a full shift at work while standing on a pad on tile over concrete for 8-9 hours.  I'm also annoyed that the velcro is starting to fray, but i suppose all things wear out.  I've been trimming stray threads.


I bought Barefoot Running Step by Step with the B&N gift card i got from my Secret Santa.  This book isn't available at our local library and i must admit that i've barely read it.  Saxton doesn't seem to like Vibrams because they cut off too much sensation.  From personal experience i can confirm that i was surprised how thick Vibrams feel.  I feel more than with normal shoes but less than i would like.  That is, unless i'm walking on gravel, and i'm still getting used to that.  What bothers me about his claim is that calloused feet cut off sensation, too, in my experience.  The more one walks/runs barefoot the thicker the skin on the bottom of one's feet gets.  Is he going to start blasting barefooting next?

 I really, really want to start training for my next triathlon but i'm not sure where to find the time or energy.  My feet and legs have been killing me at work again.  I finally got to a point where my calves aren't cramping every morning as soon as i try to get out of hammock again but on Friday i felt like i had low bloodsugar right before lunch despite the fact that i had eaten breakfast and a snack that day.  I've only felt like that when i was sitting most of the day in the past...say at the end of a class and then walking on the way to get food right NOW rather than after standing on my feet for 3.75 hours (less a fifteen minute break) and with another fifteen minutes to go before i can rest and eat.

Every day at work i feel like i've run 10k, which is to say twice as far as i've ever run before.  You wouldn't think that standing in one spot for most of the day would feel like a full body workout, but believe me it does.  And per usual the scale doesn't seem to take note.  I think that i need to have a better diet but i'm not sure i can afford one or have the time.  Things are further exacerbated by the fact that i have no reliable transportation and work is too far away for me to bike to.  The majority of the time that i have been at this job i have been dropped off at the beginning of the shift, picked up at the end of it, straight to, straight from except for picking up siblings from basketball practice or attending one of their games.  If i'm lucky i get to go grocery shopping once every two weeks and i grab frozen dinners and a few other things.  I don't think i have a high enough caloric intake...but once again, i'm still not losing any weight.

Time and energy both seem to be valuable commodities that i have far too little of.  I can't even comprehend how i was training two years ago while working and attending college full time.  It seems impossible.  And here i am wanting to get into backpacking/hammock camping in a really bad way.  I'm thinking of starting locally and trying to find some amazing places to take photos to start out.  But financial issues are a big concern.  I don't know that i will have my conventional job in February (we're in the midst of Inventory and i am seasonal help).  There are no jobs to be had via the paper or Craigslist.  I might have to make a go of it on Etsy or DeviantArt.  I might suddenly have a lot of time for writing and training but not be able to pay my bills.  Time will tell...

I was looking for an online support group or local training group today and was surprised to find next to nothing.  I found one blog where a woman has lost 40-50 pounds and is whining about not being able to lose the last 15 to get below the Athena threshold.  I can't even imagine getting my weight below 200 pounds anymore.  I still wonder what it would be like to race for charity and then realize that no one probably would want to support me at my weight.

seriously?

Sometimes i feel as if people are trying too hard to sell me on something i want to believe in and as a result they end up turning me off rather than convincing me.  This was definitely the case while browsing the MadeToRun website/blog.

 On the other hand, i'm not sure humor is the way to go.  There were two videos that i saw today that amused me very much but didn't help answer questions, either.  For instance this Anti-Shoe Infomercial:

which makes fun of itself so much that it compromises the point that it's trying to make (if they are pro-barefoot) and The Barefoot Runner (warning: NSFW from :25-:30):

 in which very little running actually occurs.

I don't want to hear/read studies or common sense be referenced.  I want people to relate their personal experiences.  I want to know what others feel and have felt so i can guess what i would feel if i were in their shoes.  That is why Leah's KomodoSport review and Justin's ...Power of Bare Feet have sold me more than anything else i've read in the past few hours.  They are real, they ring true, they give voice to things i've known and felt (if only in my gut) but couldn't manage to put into words myself.


The rest...well i'm still hating the fact that i'm working somewhere that mostly carries merchandise made in China and remembering what someone said today in Sunday school.  Americans today feel entitled to things that they shouldn't, that have no worth when we don't have to struggle to obtain them.  I know that fits into my life somehow.

43 things and 100-up

I've been working as a cashier again as seasonal help.  When i did this before i was in better shape and am pretty sure that i had shorter shifts.  I know i did after it became part-time and no longer seasonal because i was still in school.  This is even how i funded the training for my first triathlon.  But now...i have gained weight and am working nine hour shifts.  It was brutal for the first 4-6 weeks i'd say.  I think that i have lost a little bit of weight and now i usually only get really sore on Saturdays...after working 2-3 of these shifts in a row.

I really want to start training again.  I have been wearing my latest pair of running shoes while at work and have been considering alternative methods of shodding my feet once i start working out again.  In fact, i started thinking about it just as soon as i had bought these shoes.  Oh the irony,  but now these shoes do have a use and i have a little cash influx i'm wondering if i should splurge on some Vibrams or just wait a while and see what the new year brings to the shoe market.  I tried some on at REI and did like them a lot, but of course i haven't run in them and they only had black in my sizes.  I don't want black shoes because that would be horrible in the summer.  I do live in the desert after all.  Now i'm being crazy and even wondering if i should be wearing shoes like Vibrams 24/7...at work and casually, if not at church.  I am so over high heels and quickly discovered that taking my shoes off for a while does help when your feet are screaming at you.

So my resolution for the new year...is to start training again and to actually write about it.  I am also seriously considering making a transition into barefoot running.  To that end i think i'll probably at least try the 100-Up challenge (for some reason, 43 Things won't let me add this as a goal, but it's still one that i'm making) as detailed in an article written by Christopher McDougall (author of Born to Run).  I think that the biggest challenge to my training right now is simply finding time to do it.  Forget money, or even a place to swim (which i figure i can largely ignore for the time being as it is my strongest event), i am working five days a week and have no source of independent transportation.  I feel like i have even less free time now than i did when i was still in school.  Besides my cashiering 30-35 hours a week i am teaching knitting classes one day a week.  I hardly have time to game, and usually only make it to the grocery store to buy lunches about once every two weeks.  Most of all, i don't know if i should hope to be unemployed (save the teaching position) come January or try to keep this job.  I don't know what i should be doing.  Hopefully i have it figured out soon.

not as limited (or dirty) as we thought

Did anyone else know that oil is not technically a finite resource? It's composed of algae and formed underground after "millions" of years. This is something i've been wondering about for a while, since discovering that coal has been forming in the area of Spirit Lake since the Mount St. Helens eruption (upon some further digging, this seems to be controversial and perhaps not as certain).



So apparently Solazyme has been testing this fuel for a couple of years now, on its own and with the US Navy, and now Japanese companies are starting to pursue the same technologies. But interestingly, oil in nature is fossilized algae, but this oil seems to be made by the algae...they feed the algae and it converts plant matter into oil that has less contaminants than what is pumped out of the ground. That's pretty amazing.

Athena

As readers may have noticed, i changed my blog's title for the first time in a year and a half.  I used to change the title of this blog more often.  As i recall, it started out as Dark Fire...which was quite a while ago.

The purpose of this blog changed quite a bit the last time i changed the title.  I had been blogging about personal things mostly, and sometimes political, but after the change it mostly became an exercise log with personal stuff thrown in.  These days i keep a lot of my personal rants under lockdown at my LiveJournal and only allow friends to read about them.  My super personal messages i am gradually posting over there and deleting over here in an attempt to recover privacy.  Not that any of you probably read any of those posts anyway!  I was really openly depressed most often when i first started this blog.

I am actually surprised how measured the posts of the past year and a half have been.  So yesterday and today i have been wading through the triathlon and running posts. I'm not going to be using MapMyTri anymore (you basically have to use an app now) but i do hope to continue logging workouts here.  I really need to start writing more for EH4R again.  And because i'm teaching two knitting classes this fall, i'll most likely be blogging at BTL more in the near future, as well.  Now if i could only find a "real" job.  I applied at Michaels to teach knitting classes, but they apparently can't be bothered to get in touch with me.  So who knows what i'll be doing in the months to come.

ETA:  "Why Athena?" you may be asking. This is to focus on the fact that i am an obese triathlete.  Even if i were to lose all the weight (which i hope i am capable of achieving, but at the same time doubt) i would still be considered an Athena (when i was lifeguarding in high school and in great shape i weighed 160).  So i will always be an Athena even if i never compete under that category and/or choose to compete against my AG (age group).  In addition, Athena was considered to be the goddess of wisdom, weaving (which i suppose would make her the patron of knitting, as well), and she's meant to be an unwearying warrior virgin.  Yeah, i could do with being more like that.

to tri or not to tri?

So i've been out of school for about two months and have yet to find a job. I feel like i'm still recovering from school, actually. Anyway, prospective employers thus far have been very rude and not even done so much as let me know that they've received my application or the position has been filled, etc. I really don't understand unprofessional behavior like refusing to provide information about a position. If you advertise that you have an opening then you should be prepared to inform applicants about requirements, benefits, etc. So basically i keep applying for jobs that i don't really have much information about and never hear anything back.

I have mixed feelings about trying to train for triathlons again. I really don't see how i could afford to do so while unemployed. I can't pay for a gym membership. I suppose i could focus only on cycling and running (which isn't too bad, seeing how swimming is my strongest event, and if i improve on the other two then my swimming will probably automatically improve as well). But no more can i afford to enter any triathlons. That, with the heat and my allergies being terrible this year, has really been a deterrent to throwing myself back into training.

On the 4th i rode my bike almost 10 miles. We had been camping, and were coming home the "back" way, which is to say taking the dirt rode that zigzags down the mountain rather than taking the highway the long way around. After a point, three of my siblings and i started to coast down the mountain, and three of us kept going the entire way home. This may sound like it isn't a very exhausting prospect...well, things couldn't be further from the truth. There were several factors at work here.

• I haven't been riding much lately and didn't have my padded shorts on.
• My siblings are all younger than me and I felt it was important to stay behind the youngest and make sure she was safe...so i used the breaks more than i would have had i been alone.
• There was some uphill pedaling...  There wasn't a lot, but at least one stretch was a steep incline.
• High altitude + bad allergies = hard to breathe (this improved the lower in elevation we got).
• It was hot!  In the mid-70s (F) at the top and low 90s at the bottom.
• We didn't have enough water on the bikes (though we did periodically stop to get a drink out of the van, which was following us)
• Though coasting, i discovered that i was diverting my weight to the pedals more than i would have expected.  Rather than keeping them at equal heights to the ground (as one does when mountain biking), i kept alternating which pedal was lower and shifting in the seat so my weight was over the pedal.

 To sum up, my hands and butt and legs all got tired.  My arms far more tired than i was anticipating.  I couldn't adjust my grip a lot because i was braking so much.  The next day i had no energy.  I wasn't sore so much as achy, and mostly in my arms.  Taking the stairs in our house a few times just about wiped me out.  But then i had insomnia, got absolutely no sleep, and the day after that i felt like crap.  I had even less energy.  See, if i'm going to be training, i need to eat more and sleep more, and right now both of those things are elusive.  So i'm not sure what to do.

I keep telling myself that i need a goal.  I have no idea what to aim for.  I thought about Escape from Alcatraz.  For some reason, ever since i heard of that race, i've thought it was the ultimate goal race for me.  Challenging swim and shorter bike leg (though considering the fact that it's in San Fran...is probably brutal).  So i thought, hey, maybe if i start training now i can do a bunch of sprints in 2012 and break into olympics in 2013.  One of them ideally being Alcatraz.  And then i looked up the requirements at the website.  You have to compete in another race first.  Not only that, but you have to come in first or second for your age group.  So i guess that's entirely out of the question.

Even if i did nothing but train, i don't see that i could be winning triathlons within a year.  I'm an athena.  I will probably always be an athena.  There are ten "Director's Choice" slots, but making it to Alcatraz seems like a complete impossibility.

I keep thinking about a video that i watched back in May about a young man who was obese and depressed and ran his weight off and got his life back on track.  It's very frustrating to me that my results were nowhere near the same.  I had a string of injuries, never lost weight, then gained more weight.  I know that it could have been worse, but i feel cheated.  Why can't i run faster? Longer?  Same question about my bike.  I don't care as much about my swim.  I'm swimming faster than ever, probably because my body is more buoyant than ever.  I don't want to win triathlons, i just want to be able to finish them.  I want to get my body back.  I'm scared to even try again.  I weigh even more now than last time around and have less money.  No one will train with me.  I'm hot just sitting here, let alone trying to go outside when the sun is up.

But i keep wondering.  Of course i can't succeed if i keep telling myself that i can't.  I read about people who thought they would never be able to finish a marathon or an ironman, about them realizing that they could do it.  They say that the reason people can't achieve things is because they tell themselves that they can't.  Tell that to my high school self, who worked her ass off but had coaches and teammates intent on tearing her down every day.  No one is ever going to tell me that i can do this, and even if they did, i wouldn't believe them.  I have to tell myself.  I just don't know how to get from here to there.

musings on Triathlete

First off, i am now a college graduate (well, as of tomorrow), and hope to have more time to actually write...seeing how that is what i went to school for.

Secondly, i am so ready to resume training. I have been/felt far too busy this semester to do much of anything. I think i got two runs in. My father was too busy to put the bike rack on my car (and i still have no idea where he's hid it) so i didn't get to ride on campus once, which is a real shame as Monday, Wednesday, Friday i had to speedwalk across campus and would have much more preferred cycling.

Thirdly, i listened to the audio book version of Born to Run and have been contemplating modifying my footfall/gait/etc. I grew up running around barefoot and long to be able to love running again.

So...about Triathlete. The local library gets it, and i have picked up somewhere between 5-10 issues and at least scanned it cover to cover. A couple of letters to the editor caught my attention in the April 2011 issue. First off, is WD-40 a lubricant or not? Two readers point out that it's not, and then a senior editor chimes in by quoting the article and denying that it's called a lubricant. I'm not sure if we're meant to trust him, admire his audacity, or laugh, because he quoted the part of the article that calls it a lubricant. In a section praising the benefits of using WD-40 the author calls it "that trusty blue can of lubricant." Guess what, WD-40 comes in a blue can and was the topic of the paragraph, so it stands to reason that it's the topic of a sentence in the middle of the paragraph, too. It's bad writing and editing all around.

But my main concern is the letter entitled "California Girls." Ms. Brenda Travis complains that the models in a photoshoot for an article were so thin that they must have had implants and liposuction, so she complains about the casual use of plastic surgery. She then points to the females pictured on other pages as better examples of the female form. Well, i hate to break it to Brenda, but i can't find a single picture in Triathlete of a woman who isn't super-thin, whether she is a model (Must they frown at the camera? Is it bad to look like you're having fun when you're working out?) or a super-athlete. This has been niggling at me for a while now, but i've been too busy to give full voice to it.

The fact is, though there are a couple of token articles geared towards beginners and athenas/clydesdales, Triathlete seems to very much be an Ironman, professional athlete, expensive gear required type of enterprise. Their "inspirational" tales are about people who are super thin and clad in name brand athletic wear that is far too tight for the average person, let alone an athena such as myself.

In fact, Triathlete takes this so far that it's offensive. Starting on page 92 there is an article entitled "Lose Weight to Train (Don't Train to Lose Weight)." They didn't even find an overweight or average sized person to picture, no there's a cartoonish "Evolution of Man" spoof where a man starts out bent over and spitting and gradually starts to run. First off, this is disgusting, not to mention offensive. The man seems to buff up a bit, but he's not really out of shape to begin with. Are we meant to believe that anyone who isn't a triathlete should be equated with a chimp? Turn the page, and we discover "Rule No. 1" which seems to think that it's reasonable to diet with an 800 calorie a day intake if you aren't training...as long as you have "proper medical supervision." Excuse me? Any doctor who would supervise that wouldn't be "proper." Our bodies are not meant to shed weight that fast, it places a far greater danger to our health than remaining a heavier weight does. To sum up, Mr. Matt Fitzgerald endorses losing weight before training with an odd preference for starving one's self rather than having a healthy diet combined with exercise. I can't even believe that Triathlete published this nonsense. Use some common sense.

I do agree that the goal should be fitness, far more than it should be weightloss. That is the belief that has always guided me when exercising, which is good, because i don't lose much weight when training. But over the past couple of months i have realized that i don't want to look like the typical athlete. I don't want to have the newest and most expensive equipment. I don't want to dress in a way that is virtually identical to everyone that i am racing against. I like standing out, which is just as well because i can't help it. I've always been an Other, an outsider, i never chose that, it's the way people treat me. I'm not into denying who i am or using ingratiating behavior just to make others feel better about themselves and like me more because i am stroking their ego in an unhealthy way. No, i'm about genuine relationships where people are different, people are loved for who they are, and people actually encourage one another for being who they really are rather than a social construct. To me, being pro-athlete or model thin is a very unhealthy social construct.

I don't want to live thinking "i would run this much faster if i just lost ten pounds." I don't want to train thinking "if i bought that $2000 bike then i could be in the top ten." No, i want to train and live competing against my former self. I want to live and train knowing that i finished the race through persistence and endurance, not because i paid for the best tech or tore my body apart. I know that i am beautiful at this size, and i don't want to ever be smaller than a size 12 ever again (which is good, because i don't think that such a goal would be healthy or attainable).

Okay, so Mr. Fitzgerald has a couple of good points in his article, and the article is okay, but it also has some glaring opinions in it that just don't settle well for me. But that still begs the question of who it's geared at. He's not writing for me, that's abundantly clear; he's writing for people who are already a healthy(ish) weight but want to weigh even less to be faster. He's looking at the people who gained a little weight during the off-season, not the people who live with their weight for decades and have varying body images and opinions.

I guess that my real issue here is that (per usual) i do not fit in the mold that they are trying to put me in. While people are breaking world records for fastest race, i have still only finished one. I can't afford to travel the world racing. I don't know if i could ever be in an Ironman or the Olympics...probably not. But the competitive part of me...part of me wants to really submerge myself into this world and beat people who weigh half as much as me. The main part of me, though, longs for the camaraderie that was talked about in Born to Run. I don't know if i can embrace everything in that book, but i want to embrace some of it. Once again i have a long road ahead of me...but that's okay. It's the journey that counts. I know where my ultimate destination is.

training?

I don't know what to do, i've only been able to gain weight over the past 11+ years, it's very frustrating. But i went running on Friday, starting over with Cto5k Week 1, and rode my bike about 3 miles yesterday, which wasn't especially strenuous (younger siblings came along, so there was a lot of stopping and starting), but i am sore from the running, which didn't go as well as i would have liked.

Trying to lose weight is incredibly frustrating. Training and dieting are both futile, and any time i'm not training...well i pretty much weigh more than i ever have before right now. In fact, it's getting pretty dire. I just wish that i knew what to do about it.