but this time...

there aren't enough questions to accurately deduce anything imho

princess leia is a fantasy character?!?

(oh, i guess it includes sci-fi characters, too, but i don't know why they made me leia)

PacSun wishlist

Well, i made one, but for some reason i can't figure out a way to view it. Very strange. And Old Navy won't let me create an account: i have an invalid password hint, even though there's nothing wrong with the ones i've made as far as i can tell... d:

i got my jacket today

Megan sent it in the mail! And it fits tighter than i expected for a 2X (i usually wear 1X), which makes it a perfect fit if i'm not wearing any thick layers underneath (besides a blouse or tee). It's thicker than i expected, too, and warm and toasty. Very nice: removable hood, removable fur trim (on hood), 2 way zipper, elastic cuffs inside the cuff (so as to keep out snow), no velcro to catch lint in the wash and dryer, and a soft fleece lining. Check it out at Old Navy.

snowboard update

So i got new bindings this week (finally) only to get them home and realize once again that they were too narrow for my boots (i should have known better than to bring my board home again before making sure the boots fit but the woman said that large bindings should cut it no matter what and i didn't need to bring my boots back). So i take in my board, bindings, boots, etc., and this cute guy is helping me find some bindings that work. And then i notice some marcaroni on the floor. He takes the boot out of one binding and puts it into another. Macaroni is falling out of my boot! And of course he notices, so i have to explain that i have a mouse that is stashing food in random places that i can't seem to get rid of. And now i don't want to take my boots back into my room because he's found a way into the box before, he can do it again, and the last thing i need is my new laces to be chewed. So embarassing. He was really cute and understanding and acted like it was no big deal. Ugh i hate my life sometimes: everytime i'm attracted to someone something happens that makes me look like an idiot or they have to leave unexpectedly. But at least the binding problem is finally cleared up.

oh, and on another note

My sister Megan found me a jacket at Old Navy. I looked it up on the website yesterday but today the website is down again (as it has been for well over a month). Very strange.

updated aeo wish

Yeah, i know, it's late, but it's the weekend! I just updated my American Eagle wishlist. There are several things i really wish i could get. On the jeans i put about two sizes smaller than i am i think... though this past summer there was a pair of capris that i tried on at Hot Topic in the same size that i fit into (it was a tight fit, but not so tight that i wouldn't wear them in public). I really, really wanted those pants, but they were $42 and i simply didn't have the money. That style has been totally sold out for months (it's still in my wish list though). Anyways, i dated it August 11th of next year, around the time i hope to be packing for Biola. Who knows if i'll get anything off my list, but, gotta dream, right? Without hope the people perish.

the leaves are falling!

i have never seen the leaves falling as fast as this year. Many of the trees on campus are already mostly bare. Last week at this time i remember walking around and watching these same trees rain leaves. It was very beautiful. It's been a very colorful fall so far... and a very warm one. I can't wait for some cool weather.

she got it from me

Brinna is now on 43 Things, too.

the Amazing Race

I really want to be on the Amazing Race; have ever since i started watching the show. It looks like fun, and i'd like to give it a try. Unfortunately the two people i would want to go with both can't go because they have young children to care for (namely, my sister Megan and my Mom). Plus both people on the team have to be twenty-one, so my sister Katie is definitely out (she loves watching the Race, too). My mom has suggested i go with my dad, but i think we would probably kill each other. (: So applications should be opening up for AR10 soon and i'm trying to figure out who i could ask to apply with me. I don't have many friends. Brook and i haven't done anything together in a long time. There's that one friend who lives in Hurricane Alley that i haven't heard from since Katrina (nor met before). And my new friend Brittany who obviously only sees me as a school friend (she's not inviting me to Vegas for her upcoming 21st birthday trip with her other friends, for example, which is not a big deal, just indicative of the nature of our friendship). I wish i could invite Debbie, but she's only 18 and i don't really know her. She just sounds so cool on her blog though, like we have a lot in common. But i'm sure that she wouldn't want to get to know or hang out with an old fogie like me. (: What to do? Pray about it, i guess.

from my commonplace book

"For obvious reasons, I never told you about my notebook, with a cover as green as mansions long gone, which I use as a commonplace book, a phrase which here means 'place where I have collected passages from the most important books I have read.' These passages hold some of the most crucial secrets in this sad and flammable world."
~ from Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography

I need to quote more poetry and books. I just got e.e. cummings complete works from the library and haven't even cracked the cover.

Btw, my commonplace book's cover is currently a lime green but i don't even really use it. Other colors i might use inclue orange, dark red, purple, and (most obviously) blue.

Off to bed i guess.

happy photos

The cell phone i have i chose on a whim. I didn't go intending to get one with a camera phone, but that's what i got. I just had two phones to choose from that were virtually the same price and one had a camera while the other didn't. I am so glad. I take photos of the randomest things. I wish i could take more photos but the simple truth is that the camera on my cell phone stinks. Everything is blurry and there isn't enough light. My profile image is probably the best photo i've taken with my cell and it's heavily doctored (i'm good at using Photoshop, so sue me!).

Anyways, i just found two blogs that don't have much content except for lots and lots of pics of happy people. I wish i could join them in a way because they all look like they're having a blast. Here are the links:

Swirls of Thought

God, Hot Wings, and Dr. Pepper

a pathological doodler's blog

Yahoo! Mail log in

Is anyone else glad that Yahoo Mail finally updated the pics on the sign in page?!? In my opinion it was long overdue! The new pics are really neat, too. Happy.

relief

The thing about unloading is that i feel guilty afterwards. I always wish i was stronger. While i'm in one of my funks i feel perfectly justified, but afterwards i feel selfish and selfless all at once. I'm not in control of my life. I don't want to make demands of God. At the same time i don't know how to survive in the place He's put me, let alone thrive.

I've been blessed in so many ways but at the same time i feel like it's not enough. I don't have to have everything, all the latest toys, etc., i just need Him. Why should i feel selfish to want that? I know i don't deserve Him, but i've accepted the gift, i've changed my life and given it to Him. Is it wrong to expect all that He has promised in return?

I've decided that my view of God--no matter what happens or doesn't happen--can not be like in Dogma. God will not die if He doesn't follow through, nor will He cease to be the loving God i grew up walking with. If anyone is wrong, it is me, and He has every right to change His mind if He so chooses. There is nothing that He is incapable of, and that means nothing. I think that's one of the biggest problems with todays society (both the saved and unsaved): we try to put limits on God and tell Him what He can or can not do. That's what i turned my back on when i decided to let go and let God do His will in my life, no matter the personal cost. I don't understand what He's doing, but i have to trust that He has what's best for me at heart.

So i'm sorry if i've been kind of whiny, i just want Satan to give me a break is all. Hanging in there...

well...

I found my calculator in a pocket of my backpack that i had searched repeatedly. x: I guess that's something, isn't it? But scene rehearsal didn't happen (one no show, one left before i could arrive as traffic was really bad so i was a little late). I worked on Physics homework for an hour and still am not finished. Work was exhausting. I don't feel like doing anything but nothing.

anonymity

1. The quality or state of being unknown or unacknowledged.
2. One that is unknown or unacknowledged.

I didn't get paid on Thursday as i was supposed to. The Wednesday before timecards were due i asked my boss if they were available for me to fill out yet and he said no, come back next Monday. I came back Tuesday and could tell right away that i was too late. It doesn't say on there what day the cards were due, but it's due in the morning (at 9 or 10 as i recall), which means they didn't get the cards to my boss until Thursday or Friday but they expected us to fill them out and him to turn them in by Monday morning (as they're due on Monday or Friday morning, depending on the pay period, as far as i have been able to determine). That is insane. Some of us have this little thing going on called school and a big thing going on called homework. That Monday was 10 days before the next paycheck was due, you'd think they could have either gotten the cards to us in a timely manner or set a reasonable deadline for us to turn them in. It wasn't like i could come in on the weekend to fill mine out and i didn't have time on Thursday or Friday to make an extra trip, now would i try when i was told to come back on Monday at the earliest.

But somehow i knew this was going to happen. My entire last paycheck, i was spending a lot of money (for a change) so i could fulfill the requirement of my BMG membership and cancel it. I got eight CDs for under forty bucks (which is definitely a blessing of sorts) and didn't buy myself anything that wasn't necessary: food and gas and $10 worth of yarn (my only other splurge, but right now a necessary stress reliever). I haven't bought any new clothes since last December for crying out loud and am in bad need of some warm clothes and new pants. But i kept telling God that i was am trusting Him to make sure that i get paid on time (because the last thing i want is to have to fall back on my parents again), and i've been trying so hard to be optimistic and not mad at Him and not depressed (even though i'm sick and school is way too much for me to handle with my workload) and what happens? He lets me down. So instead of providing for me i have to be a burden to my parents at a time where i especially want to be on my own so i'm not bothering them with stuff like this. They really don't have the money to spare either because one sister is getting expensive dental work done and another was just tested for a learning disability similar to dyslexia and my brother just had to go the the emergency room and get stitches.

So as soon as i find out that no, i'm not paranoid, i really am getting screwed out of a paycheck, i have to go do a physics lab for two hours. It was all i could do not to cry in the hall as i waited for the teacher to unlock the lab (late, as usual). I was just sitting there, trying to pray, but i couldn't because then the tears and anger would come. I wasn't sobbing, i wasn't trying to vent, but the tears wouldn't stop, they kept rolling down my cheeks. Then i go inside and discover that my nice calculator fell out of my backpack (i think in spanish, but it wasn't in lost+found or the classroom). So i just sit there and try to focus on my work and forget this gaping hole in me that's been ripped open for the upteenth time.

In Church this past Sunday i read in 2 Chorinthins 1:3-7: All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.

So at the beginning of this week i felt encouraged, resigned to doing whatever God's will is for me. And what do i get? I seek His will and He still doesn't show me. I trust Him and He still doesn't come through. I need gas to go to school, i need to pay for my car insurance, i would like to be able to start buying Christmas presents for my family, i would like to be able to buy some hoodies (at Ross if i have to) so i can be warm when i work out in the cold, but do i get any of that? If i weren't living with my parents i would have no food, no shelter, no gas, and probably no clothes. I listen to this wonderful Christian music that speaks about God's unfailing love and then He lets me down again. I go out on a limb because i love Him so much and He cuts the branch out from under me.

How can He be a loving God if He doesn't come running to me when i call, as He promises to do in the Scriptures? How can i reconcile the reality of my life with the reality that i know to be true in the Bible? Either He is lying or my entire life is a lie. "So tired of the straight line ~ that everywhere you turn ~ are vultures and thieves at your back ~ storm keeps on twisting ~ keeps on telling the lies ~ that you make up for all that you lack" (Angel, Sarah McLachlan).



I can't not believe in God. But how is this possible? I have given Him everything, begged Him to show me if i'm sinning, who He wants me to be, what He wants me to do, and there is no answer that i can hear. The one answer He gave me before this darkness began i am now apparently barred from. I have cried out to Him in the dark, begging Him to calm the storm, but He doesn't. I try to accept that, ask Him to give me the strength to get through it, but i don't get strengthened, i get weakened. I just want to love unconditionally, be used to change peoples' lives, to do His will, to take up my cross daily and follow Him, but i don't know how to anymore. I am so paralyzed and bound hand and foot in the dark, that i don't even know how to breathe or cry or hold on anymore because all of these simple actions are a battle in themselves.

I've been playing this game online called Mozaki Blocks. You put blocks in a square. They are different shapes so you try to fit them together like in Tetris. Each side of the square is a different color, and you're trying to get blocks to form bigger blocks and to get from the small square in the center to the wall that is the same color. When you go up a level the colors on the outside change color and if blocks are touching the way they change color, too. But the blocks in the middle, not touching a block touching the outside, they stay the same color. I finally figured out that i needed to build from the outside in instead of the inside out, that way my work wouldn't be ruined every time i got to a new level. But as the levels get higher there are more colors, two to some sides, then two to every side, and it's impossible to get past like level five or six. I think i got to seven once but i didn't even get one or two matches (and by that time you have to make about twenty to advance a level).

I sometimes wonder if God is the cage i'm in. The cage keeps seeming to get smaller and smaller, closing in on me. My voice bounces back, echoes, and i don't want to talk anymore, or cry, i just wish i wasn't me in a way. How can one person feel so much love and pain and betrayal and devotion all in the same moment? But i just wonder: am i building from the inside out or the inside in? Is God the walls holding me in, or is he the square in the center, that perfects the puzzle no matter what color you are? I feel like i'm a jumble of squares that are all in the wrong places, that are touching the wrong walls or blocking the center so i can't make the ends meet.

How do i fix that? I can't. I can only start over. I don't want to start over, i've tried starting over and it doesn't work. Moving to CO didn't help, moving to VA didn't work, moving to NC didn't make things better, and moving back to CO didn't change anything. It doesn't matter what i do, i'm still helpless in the dark. I can't turn my back on God and i can't make Him listen to me. A part of me thinks: if nine years of prayer didn't work, why will ten? I gave up all my hopes and dreams, i did "learn to love the dreams that He has dreamed for me" (I Will Listen, Twila Paris), so why won't He fulfill those dreams? If He doesn't want me to be here then i wish He would move me. If He does want me here i wish He would comfort me, talk to me, use me. So many other people are praying for me, too, why should their prayers go unanswered, too?

I'm not trying to wallow in self pity, or be lazy, i'm humble, i want to be used, i want to work, i want to be blessed and encouraged so i can encourage others. But the encouragements people try to give me seem so hollow now; telling myself the same thing for six years straight (almost seven) has not made it any more true, irs made it less because it still hasn't come true. I hope it hasn't made it less true, but how can i know? Every time i put my hope in God He pushes farther away, farther down.

If He doesn't want me, who does? I've become a fool for Him. I'm twenty-four, single, a virgin's virgin, living with my parents, virtually unemployed, high school dropout, finally going to a state college (when i should have already graduated), can't get cast, can't get to Denver or Las Vegas for an audition, can't get anyone to read her blog without being insulted, can't finish writing a story or book or get published, can't get her wisdom teeth out, can't get contacts or a new pair of glasses, can't lose weight, geeky, lost, loser. I have a snowboard but can't buy gas to get to the slope. I have a car but i can't get its title so i can't get it registered. I probably won't be able to get a job at Powderhorn even if i try.

I just feel like Satan is winning with the whole world. Even if it is a lie... God doesn't talk to me, He doesn't bind Satan, He doesn't do anything that i can see. I'm blind and deaf in the dark, straining to see a flicker, straining to hear a whisper, and the silent dark bears down on me, drowning me. What's so wrong with being depressed when you give everything you have and you're still just out of luck? Not that i believe in luck, but you know what i'm trying to say. (Like anyone is going to read this.)

I feel like i don't exist. I feel like the world is fake, that it exists only to spite me. But i can't not trust God, i can't get out of this myself, i'd be a fool not to go to Him on my knees anyway. He gave everything for me, so i have to do the same, right?

But worst of all, i feel like this hurts my witness. Why would anyone want to be a Christian after reading about what i've been through? Earth seems so much realer than heaven to a lost soul, and i have hell on earth (what is hell if it isn't separation from God?). Why would they want that? Why would they want to be like me? I try to read His Word, and i believe His promises, and i weep because they aren't coming true, being fulfilled, or real in my life anymore. Will they ever be true again? It's hard to remember anything but the dark.

I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be ineffectual. But people don't see me. God ignores me. There's nothing i can do. I can't find Him, run to Him, hear Him. I wait, but i hate it, i hate waiting. How am i to comfort others if the prophecies He gave me don't come true (1 Corinthians 14:1-3)? How am i to love others when the greatest love of my life has been lost? I am helpless without Him, and i refuse to seek help in anyone or anything else. So what in the world am i supposed to do?

the Penultimate Peril

Who knew that would be the title? Anyways, i can't buy it (SoUE #12) until Thursday, so i'll have to wonder about what happens a little while longer... Except for the fact that, because i did all the activities at the site, i now get to read the first chapter. (: Please excuse me for five to ten minutes...

i don't even remember how i found 43 Things...

...but i’ve really enjoyed it. People encourage me in ways that i’ve needed a lot lately, and posting her has helped me focus on my goals and loving myself the way i am. I think i’m going to stick with it and (hopefully) watch my dreams unfold.

See more progress on: Try out 43 Things

online games

Right now i'm like addicted to Cubis 2 and Mozaki Blocks. I didn't have any school today (well, yesterday, now) and so i spent the whole day doing nothing. I have been so stressed out and had to hurry all over the place and i'm sick of it. I can't wait for snowboarding to start and next semester (of course, by the time next semester gets here i'm going to be all stressed about that, too).

issues

i've finally got some up, though the page is far from done

interesting post

Searching for knitting blogs of note, i came upon this post: Food for Thought: Gratitude. Incidently, i didn't realize that there would be so many liberal anti-Bush knitters out there. Oh, and i hope you like my new moon phase thingee.

(:

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

yep

You Are 55% Left Brained, 45% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

sorry!

You Are Very Honest

You tell it like it is, no matter what. Even if the truth hurts, you'll dish it out. And while some may get hurt by your honesty... At least everyone knows where you stand!

How Honest Are You?

i know, but i'm not tired, and i don't have school today!

Your Geek Profile:

SciFi Geekiness: Highest

Movie Geekiness: High

Academic Geekiness: Moderate

Geekiness in Love: Moderate

Fashion Geekiness: Low

Gamer Geekiness: Low

General Geekiness: Low

Music Geekiness: Low

Internet Geekiness: None

How Geeky Are You?

i guess so

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

How Do You Live Your Life?

whee!!!

Your Summer Ride is a Beetle Convertible

Fun, funky, and a little bit euro. You love your summers to be full of style and sun!

What's Your Summer Ride?

yeah, i guess that's me

Your Blog Should Be Red

Your blog is full of intensity and passion. You are very opinionated - and people love or hate you for it. You have the potential to be both a famous and infamous blogger.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

no, i'm 100% weird, and proud of it!

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

hmm....

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Yum

Snickers

Nutty and gooey - you always satisfy.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Wow, i'm amazed!

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

heehee hair!

Your Hair Should Be Red

Passionate, fiery, and sassy. You're a total smart aleck who's got the biggest personality around.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind. You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

I couldn't decide on some of the questions, so i did it twice. (:

editing

I have way too many red buttons here on the right! It just seems strange to see much red. I do like dark red, burgundy, brick red, etc., but blue is still my predominant color, followed lately by orange. Hey, they're the compliments of each other, and they go well with my hair (which was dyed red but has faded to orange).

Is it really after midnight already?

This is the second to last ordeal...

That's the secret message i uncovered at the Nameless Novel, which means that there will be thirteen books in the Series of Unfortunate Events as i thought i had read. Monday's clue is a page full of V.F.D. acronyms save one statement inserted near the end of the list... the Dastardly Denoument. Time will tell... (that is, we'll find out on Tuesday).

Elizabethtown

Just got back from the 7:00 showing. It was good: not great, but not bad, either. It was really funny. I didn't feel like it lagged. But at times i was just plain annoyed with the characters. Drew and Claire really clicked but they both acted like they could never be together. Drew was really hung up on his billion dollar failure, which i guess i get, but at least he had a chance to try, at least he had been successful for a while, at least he could start over (with a new love, no less!). Watching this movie made me happy to be me, to be pissed off and hopeful all at once (not that it really makes sense, but there it is). I like who i am, i like where God's put me even though in some ways i don't: that's such a contradiction. Anyways, i'm just eager to see where God wants me because i really have no clue at the moment. But i want to start being myself more and stop letting others keep pushing me down. Maybe i'm getting another wind.

sisters

what i'm knitting ~ PoA Scarf (1/3 of the way done now)
what i'm reading ~ The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein

I just passed these two sisters who i'm in chorus with and they're so nice and always smiling and always together. I don't know if they have classes together (besides chorus) but they apparently have classes at the same time. After saying hello and being complimented on my knitting (: we parted ways and i began to wonder if they ever get tired of being together. Do sisters usually get tired of being together when they hang out a lot? I don't remember ever being tired of my sister, but then she may feel differently.

This past Tuesday on the Amazing Race the Weaver family was really stressing out during a bus ride. It was kind of funny that they were complaining so much because everyone had to ride the bus and they were with three other teams. After eating at the Waffle House they decided to suck it up and stop complaining. The two sisters were dancing in the parking lot and everyone thought they had flipped out. It made me laugh because that's exactly what Megan and i would be doing the entire trip! If i could go on the Race with anyone i'd want it to be her but i don't think that's going to happen because she's a mom now. But people would think we were crazy because we act crazy like that all the time when we're together. For instance we went to Hanging Lake over Labor Day weekend with a friend of hers and had so much fun quoting Monty Python, speaking with phony accents, and generally being silly, that we totally embarrassed her friend (who is rather quiet and embarrasses easily in the first place). That's just the way we are. (:

But back to the Amazing Race: would the Paolo family be eliminated already? They complain and argue ALL THE TIME and it's driving me crazy. Every week, the team i'm rooting for gets kicked off, and still there they are whining. Ugh.

The Counterfeit Concierge? or The Horrible Hotel?

I've been visiting the Nameless Novel website every few days and finding clues about the name of the next book in the Series of Unfortunate Events. I've got three squares left of the cover, but it doesn't actually have the title portion included. I won't have to wait much longer, though: the book comes out Tuesday. Anyways, the puzzles i've had to solve have been pretty interesting. For instance, a little info about the real Murphy's Law.

Me gusta el frio.

what i'm knitting ~ GoF scarf still (second set of trapped bars completed)
what i'm listening to ~ Eragon (read by someone who does a dreadful Saphira) and The Magicians Nephew read by Kenneth Branagh
what i'm reading ~ reviewing for my Spanish midterm

I am a bit under the weather. It could be a lot worse. It's just a cold with congestion, sneezing, and barely any coughing or sore throat. No fever. I'm tired. But the thing is, Women's Chorus performs on Thursday. How's that for timing?

I had a good weekend though. I'm doing some sewing and fixing up my room to a livable condition. It's finally starting to get cold out! There's snow on the Mesa and i saw Orion the other night for the first time this fall. Thanksgiving and Christmas will be upon us before we know it.

interview and Godspell

what i'm knitting ~ PoA Gryffindor scarf
what i'm listening to ~ just finished the Grim Grotto as read by Tim Curry
what i'm reading ~ Proof by David Auburn
what i'm writing ~ um... simple sentences in Spanish

It was a long day. I went to an interview at Chick-fil-A that went reasonably well. It didn't seem to go any better or worse than any other interview but they left a message on my phone when i couldn't answer it. I'm a bit torn about whether or not i want to work there; the plan was to work at Powderhorn but maybe gas will cost too much. Anyways, i have bad memories of the day that i turned in the application. Perhaps they want to schedule another interview? But i don't want to get optimistic as i'm unsure if i want another job at the moment (though some more money would be appreciated).

I ushered at Godspell tonight and as such am exhausted. Chris Coon is incredible. I mean, the whole musical was extremely well acted, but he just blew me away. He's a sophomore like me but he was in like five shows last year. I was a dresser for one show and that's it. I got tons of compliments on my hair tonight. Some people from As You Like It noticed even! I didn't even know that they knew that i existed. Of course then Rachel (one of the girls who i helped change) didn't even notice me, but complete strangers were complimenting me. Brittany says i'm much more confident now that my hair is short. I don't know about that, but it feels good to be complimented so much, particularly since the scale said that i had gained some of that weight back. I'm sure that it didn't hurt that i couldn't stop smiling before or after the show, either.

I'm still stressed about school (Physics and Acting mostly) though glad that Health/Wellness is about to end. Maybe i should start going to gym at that time? Can i handle this much stuff at once? School, two jobs, and the gym? Seems pretty unbelievable. I don't know if i should thank God or turn tail and run.

life verse

But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Here there is no conflict with the law.
~ Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT)

burnt out

I've gotten to one of those places where i'm so tired that i don't want to try anymore. I'm not depressed, i'm just fed up and discouraged. And yet i don't really feel anything anymore. I've been trying really hard to make things work since school started; i don't know how i'm holding on, but i am. College is stressful because most teachers act like their class is the only one you're taking. The professors in the acting department have unreasonable demands; their excuse? "That's the way it is in real life," and in the real industry. So perpetuating a cycle that you didn't start is a valid excuse now?

I know that i'm being negative and i don't want to be. I don't want to curse anymore, either. Every day i'm surrounded by it, so i've gotten used to it, but i don't want to compromise anymore. I want to be pure, and have more faith, and love. I want to change the industry and i can't do that if i compromise. I don't know how to be anybody else though. I don't know how to be the woman God wants me to be or who God wants me to be.

At church this week the pastor said if you take one step to God He'll meet you but i don't know how to take a step towards God anymore. Where's God? I can't find Him. I know that i don't have enough faith, i don't know how this could be true and there can still be a God, but when i talk to God i don't hear Him answer, when i cry out for help i don't feel Him comforting me. I know that my life could be a lot worse from a physical standpoint but to me there can be nothing worse because i don't have Him anymore. I know He's here with me, i know Satan is lying to me, but at the same time... Why doesn't He show me His will? Why doesn't He show me how to be more like Him? It feels like He's trying to push me away, that He doesn't care, but i know that isn't true... and yet it is.

I didn't let go of God, but i can't find Him either. I can't run towards Him because i don't know where He is. I can't take a step because it's like i'm in a cage that i can't escape. I know God can save me, i know He can unlock the bars, i know He can be the wind beneath my wings, so why won't He do those things? What have i done wrong? I didn't do some heinous sin, i've always tried to live my life for Him and do everything He wants. So what am i doing wrong?

I hate going in circles like this. I'm trying to be strong, hang in there, all the same stuff, but i've been doing this a long time: six years, nine months, twenty-three days. How long do i have to wait? I don't feel like i'm growing patience, i feel like i'm dying. I want to be like God, i want to display the fruit of the Spirit, and instead i'm failing.

On 43 Things someone commented today that i shouldn't be in a hurry to marry and have kids. She said i'm in the best days of my life, that i should be making money and advancing a career, that she envies me. She says i should also take two years to get to know a man before i marry him (great, just what i need, more wait). But all those things she says i could do (backpacking, going out for drinks on a whim, etc.) i can't do because i'm poor. I don't want a career; i want to get married and have kids and raise them in the Lord. Forget doing the career thing, that's not what i want (i want to have it all but it seems impossible, so i'd rather just have the family). The only reason i want to act is because God told me that it's what He wants me to do.

Still, i know i'm looking for a guy for the wrong reasons right now, i'm looking for comfort and security and passion that i'm not finding in God anymore. So that's why i'm not in a relationship. A man can't solve my problems. That's also the reason i'm not sure i should go into the military. I love my country, would die for it if need be, but the real reason i would be doing it is financial security and that is not relying on God.

The simple truth is that there's nothing i can do on my own. I'm helpless. I've tried everything. Trying to do more will be a waste of time if God still wants me where i am, down and dependent on Him while He's doing whatever He's doing (i'm obviously not in on it). And i hate this. I want to be happy, i want to be full of life, i want to be content with where God has put me, but how can i be when He's absent?

Depression is a waste of time. I don't know how to pray any harder or any more. I can't fully describe what i'm going through without using foul language so i'll sign off.

life verses

He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak.
~ Isaiah 40:29 (NLT)

God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it.
~ John 3:17 (NLT)

I'm really tired. It seems like no matter how long i sleep it isn't enough. ):

life verse

God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.
~ Matthew 5:8 (NLT)

Good night. (:

goals and prayer requests

i joined 43 things today (well, yesterday now). i'm not sure that i like it very well. i'm thinking about starting a new blog with prayer requests and goals; i haven't decided yet.

Praise: i've got an awesome snowboard (even if there is a hang up with the bindings).
Request: i would love to be able to buy the Suzuki V-Strom DL-650 in blue. It reportedly gets 50 mpg. Plus it's a pretty motorcycle that i think i could handle (unlike the DL-1000, which i've been pining after for a couple of years now).

what i'm knitting ~ finally adding a visor to my sis' hat and working on my HP SS scarf again

Is it just me, or is it really ironic that a Jessica Alba movie is premiering the same weekend as Serenity? I'm sure none of you are probably aware that i don't care for Joss Whedon's work and was upset when Fox gave Dark Angel the ax in favor of Firefly (which flopped as i predicted).

I cannot believe that it is already October; this year is three-fourths of the way through.