Lately it seems that the more i look around me the more i notice that God is at work all around me. Sometimes He gives me little nudges of hope and relief, and i don't know if it's worse to get these inaudible whispers or to focus on the deafening silence. I never really know if it's just me or if He's really speaking to me. I never know if i should be encouraged or mad because these promises and nudges still deny me fruition, are only attempts to reassure me and get me to hold on for even longer. I hate waiting. I hate the sensation that He is just using me. I want to feel loved again, and comforted, and see with my own eyes the things that--while i know they are true--i cannot see displayed in my life anymore. He's the love of my life and yet it feels like He's turned His back on me. I still struggle to discover how to survive each day, how to serve, how to thrive. I don't know how to stay where i am but i cannot move on. I am in a cage, one not of my making, no matter what others say of it. I am a slave to Him and His will. If it is not His will for deliverance to come at this time i will wait... because i must. Life is not worth living if He is not overflowing it with love and joy.