what i'm knitting ~ still working on my PoA scarf (but am nearly done)
what i'm listening to ~ music for Chorus and Acting auditions
what i'm reading ~ i wish
what i'm writing ~ just finished two papers for school
I have pretty much decided to give up on guys yet again. It's just not worth getting all excited about. I go to school four days a week and am surrounded by attractive (and not so attractive males) and none of them show a modicum of interest in me. I only know a few superficially, and there's no reason to drool over guys that aren't into me or share my beliefs. I've always been honest when the subject comes up: i'm a virgin, i'm waiting for a guy to pursue me. People act like i'm crazy when i admit that (that i want the guy to make the first move). They act like, "How can you honestly expect a guy to have the guts to make the first move?!?" My Mom recently bought the book Captivating, which i have read the first two chapters of, and it outlines the way in which women are designed to be. They want to be treated like a princess, swept of their feet by a knight in shining armor, no matter how strong or self sufficient they are. I never dreamt of being a princess as a child, but i must admit that i always felt an affinity for Maid Marion and Sleeping Beauty for some strange reason (bummer, i lost my train of thought, i know there was someone else i wanted to mention)... Yes, i'm talking about me, the girl who likes movies where girls kick *it* with the best of the guys: Max, Leeloo, and Sydney Bristow, just to name a few.
Why do people act like it's wrong to feel that you're completed by another person? Why are we supposed to be independent, not need anyone, and act as if we're perfect? I'm not perfect, i hate being independent, and i do need someone. I need God, but i also feel incomplete being single, even when He's overflowing my heart with love and joy. Why should i be ashamed to admit that? When God created Adam and all the animals He saw that Adam was alone and lonely, that there was no companion suitable for him, and so He made one (Genesis 2:18-24)! And so if God did that for Adam and Eve i believe that i am designed to perfect one man's life just as he is designed to perfect mine. God made us for each other. I think this is why as a child i always assumed that i would marry a boy that was older than me, because God made Adam first so He must make my husband before me, too. (:
Anyways, i'm just so sick of thinking about it all the time. Every time i meet a guy i think: "Could he be the one?" And of course he's not. He's not interested. He's attractive, he's nice, but he's not him. They always say that you'll find him when you stop looking for him (who in the world is "they" anyway? it drives me wild how they always feel that they're an authority about my life) you'll find him. So i gave up on guys. I didn't find one (i thought i might have, but we never got past the crush stage: he didn't want to be friends even, apparently). I slowly started looking again as i got more and more lonely, more and more desperate. I still haven't found him and now i'm a whiney damsel in distress. I don't want that. I don't want to be imagining up situations where Elijah Wood or Orlando Bloom are rescuing me--because quite honestly i don't know that i'd want them rescuing me even if they came, i don't really know who they really are--but i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that maybe that's exactly who God designed me to be (the damsel in distress). As much as i hate to admit it, i want to be rescued, too. Not that i want my husband to replace God in my life, but i just don't feel complete being single, either.
Now i know that a lot of people are saying to themselves right now: "You don't need or want a guy, you don't know how lucky you are," and, "See the world while you still can," etc. Frankly i don't want to see the world alone and i have no nothing moolah to trade (to quote Jar Jar). My sister is married now, so we can't do things together like we used to. I need a new traveling buddy. Sure, i want to go on the Amazing Race but have no one to do it with. I want to travel around the world, but not alone. Yes, i want kids, but i want them whenever God wants me to have them. If He wants me to focus on school, career, husband for a while that's fine... i just want to at least find a guy to give me my first kiss. I can just see myself getting cast in West Side Story as Maria (i'm imagining this, mind you, i'm not saying it's going to happen) and getting my first kiss(es) from whoever's cast as Tony. That's not the memory i want to have, to be working with and crushing on a guy (or even worse, working with a guy i'm not into) who's kissing me simply because it's in the script.
That's not life... it's holding my breath and waiting for life to begin. I'm sick of it. I don't want to find some random guy and jump in the sack with him, i don't even want to date a guy if he's not the one, but i'm tired of crushes not getting past eye tag and long conversations where we click but nothing happens. I've never even been asked out on a date. I'm going to be twenty-four in thirty-nine days (thirty-eight, really) for crying out loud. I'm so tired of waiting. I know i'm weak, i know i should have more patience, but the last few good crushes i had... one guy was sixteen and one guy had to drop out of the class we had together before anything happened and he reminded my of one of my uncles. That's pathetic. It's like i'm still stuck in junior high; it's been ten years that i've been praying about acting, twenty plus that i've been praying about being a wife, how long do i have to wait? I feel like i'm a fool to have these feelings, to look at a random guy and wonder what it would be like to just be able to have a conversation and know you're understood and helping each other be who they are meant to be. I don't need the sex (though i would like to have it quite a lot :blush:). I need to get past hoping and dreaming and waiting to doing.
But it never happens. It's in God's hands and He never does a single thing with it. Wait, wait, wait. And i hate it. I hate feeling like my life has been on hold every since the day of my first memory when i was about three. I hate feeling afraid of my father and wondering when he's going to get mad again and throw something and break my heart even more. I hate feeling bad because i'm not under his authority but when i was he was telling me to go against my heart. I want to be submissive to my husband. I want to be protected by him. But if he were anything like my father i think it would kill me, too. So i wait for God to send the right one with bated breath and a broken heart. I wait.
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