On Sunday at Sunday school the class was discussing the changes that are made when one becomes a brand new Christian. The general consensus of the class was that behavioral changes happen gradually. I related how i've met several separate individuals who were drug addicts, alcoholics, smokers, etc., who quit cold turkey once they asked Jesus to take over their lives and fill up the void in their hearts. Everyone else in class seemed to believe that such an event is a miracle, is a rarity. Why do people refuse to admit that God is capable of miracles everyday? Why do they have to be pessimistic and quantify and qualify it as "that rarely happens, that's not normal."
On SVU this week the ep was about racism and nazism. One of the guest stars was J.C. Mackenzie, formerly of Dark Angel, which i found to be surprising as he was one of the main nazis. Then tonight on original L&O the subject was sterilizing drug addicts/abusive parents/women who abuse welfare... without their approval or knowledge. At the end the defending lawyer said that lots of people think that's okay. I don't. One of the women in the ep who couldn't have children anymore had cleaned up her life and was attending college and would never ever be able to have kids. That's heartbreaking.
God is a God of second chances. He's a God of miracles. He's a God that will hear you when you cry out to Him and run--not walk--to your rescue. That's what the Bible tells me to believe. The sin and immorality that was displayed (on some of my favorite TV shows no less) the past couple of weeks has astounded me. Mom cannot comprehend it. I do in a way: people want to live the way they are living, and it really seems that Satan is firmly in control of their hearts, but i don't want to believe that. People look at me like i'm crazy when i tell them i want to go into the entertainment business because it's liberal, immoral, etc., but that's why i need to go there. Someone has to make a difference there.
But my sinful nature and lack of patience is something i struggle with everyday. Should i curse? Should i be waiting or is it really just wasting the time i have on this planet? Today Brittany said to me that i have a lot of anger in me and that i need to let it out for this scene we are doing: but i don't want to let that anger out, i don't want to let it consume or control me. I don't want to give into the fear that Satan is in control and winning because i don't want to believe that it's true. I'm not really an optimist anymore, but i still fight against becoming a pessimist.
I've taken two Jung / Myers-Briggs personality tests lately. I think i'm an INFP: Introverted Intuition Feeling Perceiving. But the strange thing is that the more i read the more i know that i can't be defined by four letters, i'm a bit of all eight. I'm a weird mix between Introverted and Extroverted, between Thinking and Feeling. I'm unique; i use both sides of my brain equally. I'm just trying to figure out who i am, and who God wants me to be. I can't accept that i'm going through the dark for nothing, there must be a reason, something He wants me to learn... otherwise what's the point?
I don't know what to do with my now. Should i stay at Mesa State? Apply to attend Biola? Enlist in the military? Apply to work at Powderhorn? Hitchhike to LA? What? I'm desperate. I don't know what to do. I can't stand to see Satan winning battles (though i know he'll lose the war). I can't stand to notice where God is working and not be a part of it, but i know that's not where He wants me. He's told me where He wants me, promised it to me, but for some reason He seems to want me to wait. "Here am i, Lord, send me," but there is never an answer. Six years, ten months, twenty-two days seems an eternity to me. I'm not patient, i'm not good at waiting, but that's what i've had to do for almost seven years: longer really, because i've wanted to grow up so i could serve God since i was about three.
I chose to highlight INFP because a lot of it fits. I have a kinship with Joan of Arc. I identify with the statements "Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often unhappy childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which, unfortunately, is discouraged . . . by many parents." and "Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful. . .".
Just tonight at dinner my Mom mentioned having "another Drama Queen in the family", and i know she didn't mean to be hurtful, but it was. I feel like my entire life i've been struggling to be the real me yet to satisfy everyone else at the same time. People don't like the real me: i'm offensive, ugly, outlandish, a freak. I still try to hide my differences a lot because there are moments when i want nothing more than to fit in. That's the very opposite of who i am, who i strive to be, but it's still there. I hate being alone: sometimes i need to be, but i don't want it for always.
If God cannot perform miracles everyday how can new life be brought into the world? How can there be healing and forgiveness? How can anyone move mountains, call fire from the sky, walk on water? How can anyone be rescued when they cry out to the God who made them, who knows all their secret dreams and sorrows? I'm tired of people trying to limit God. I'm tired of people trying to limit me. I only want to be who He wants me to be, but who is that? Which way do i go? I have no patience, how am i supposed to get some, and would i be the same person if i did? Would changing be such a bad thing, would losing the old me be so awful? I'm so scared. I want to do His will but i have no idea what that is. I don't know how to get through a single day but i don't want to bail out on Him. I don't want to be alone but i don't want to throw myself at a guy just to get a one night stand. I'm working for eternity, not for the here and now. And yet is it so wrong to want a comfortable life on earth for a while?
I look at magazines and see so many beautiful bodies (sometimes more of them than i think i should) but i think that every one is a work of art. God created those models, knit them together in their mothers' wombs. I feel beautiful but i also feel ugly, lost under 100 pounds of flab. I feel like a genious but i also feel like an idiot because i can't figure out what to do with my life or how to understand my Physics homework.
I just simply don't know what to do. How long must i wait to get beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair,? I read verses like Isaiah 61:3--For the LORD has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory.--and marvel. How am i strong or graceful or glorifying Him?!? I'm such a mess. I try to hide my true hair color, my weight, my body, my shattered heart, my devotion to God, my desires for things that i know others don't approve of, the list goes on...
My goal is to glorify God. My goal is to be used by Him to change the world. My goal is to never be ordinary. My goal is for my heart and soul and body and spirit and life to be made whole.
What else can i say? "Boo hoo, things aren't going my way!"?! All i wanted was to be who God wants me to be, nobody else, even if the means denying myself some things. He's given me so much except for the things i want the most. It feels like He's giving me nothing. I have to remind myself of how much He's done, how much He's pulled me through. I don't want to focus on the storm, i want to focus on Him. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. But i have to believe that God is a God of miracles who can use me no matter what my limitations else what do i have to live for???? Nothing.
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