Wednesday, November 30, 2005
drat
Blogger has disabled the ability to edit post times. The time on the post is always the time you loaded the create post page. I like to change it to the actual moment of posting. I guess i won't be able to do that anymore. ):
Sunday, November 20, 2005
convicting verses
Finally, all of you should be of one mind, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds. Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate when people say unkind things about you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God wants you to do, and he will bless you for it. . . . you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if you are asked about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it. But you must do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak evil against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. Remember, it is better to suffer for doing good, if that is what God wants, than to suffer for doing wrong!
~ 1 Peter 3:8-9, 15b-17 (NLT)
I'm sorry that i blew my top the other night. It's hard for me to say things gently. I really don't want to put other people down. I just wish people would use common sense and wisdom instead of blind ignorance. The world attacks Christians enough without the children of God turning on each other. We should be known for our love. It's hard for me to be patient and soft spoken: it's not who i am. I want to be more like Jesus, but it's hard, especially when i am being ignored. I don't want to see other people make fools or sinners of themselves. But i don't want to offend them or turn them away from God, either. I don't know if my words can be gentle. I try very hard, but sometimes i let my passion get away from me. I love God so much, am incredibly grateful about what He's blessed me with, and i don't appreciate it when people believe baseless lies instead of clinging to truth. I just don't know how to shed light on the situation in a pleasing way and prevent myself from being ignored. I'm so tired of being ignored. It's the performer in me longing to be free.
~ 1 Peter 3:8-9, 15b-17 (NLT)
I'm sorry that i blew my top the other night. It's hard for me to say things gently. I really don't want to put other people down. I just wish people would use common sense and wisdom instead of blind ignorance. The world attacks Christians enough without the children of God turning on each other. We should be known for our love. It's hard for me to be patient and soft spoken: it's not who i am. I want to be more like Jesus, but it's hard, especially when i am being ignored. I don't want to see other people make fools or sinners of themselves. But i don't want to offend them or turn them away from God, either. I don't know if my words can be gentle. I try very hard, but sometimes i let my passion get away from me. I love God so much, am incredibly grateful about what He's blessed me with, and i don't appreciate it when people believe baseless lies instead of clinging to truth. I just don't know how to shed light on the situation in a pleasing way and prevent myself from being ignored. I'm so tired of being ignored. It's the performer in me longing to be free.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
the House decides to keep the troops in Iraq
The decision was nearly unanimous apparently, but Democrats still aren't happy even though they voted to keep them there, too.
Dracula
i just got back and am thoroughly exhausted. i had orientation at Powderhorn today. Standing and sitting at a 3 1/2 hour play is not condusive to rest. Overall i am disappointed. It just got to the point where i couldn't help but wonder what the point was of sitting through it. It was so boring. Not scary, not sexually charged, not inspirational, it just fell short. The vixens were nearly impossible to see. Dracula wasn't scary. The lesbianism was toned down. But the love in it didn't make much sense. The whole production felt hollow. The special effects were awesome, the set good, the acting okay, it was the play itself that stunk the most. I'd rather sit through the movie Van Helsing again: at least i could be watching Jackman and remembering him in other rolls. Oh, and it made me want to see Underworld again, in which Vampires were actually sexy. I'm not sure that i want to work in this (college's) department now.
p.s.
I was interviewed by the local ABC news but my comments didn't make the air. One could see my back for a few seconds during the feature (from when they filmed the entire line from a distance), but otherwise there is nothing to report.
GoF review
S
P
O
I
L
E
R
S
P
A
C
E
Imho, Goblet of Fire is the best Harry Potter movie that has been made to date. It's very enjoyable and a lot funnier than the past three, but it still has its failings. The first half of the film felt like it was in fast forward. Key details were modified, some for no apparent reason.
Gambon still did not deliver as Dumbledore (i know he can do better than this). And what on earth happened to his spectacles?
The scene in the graveyard was not as scary as i imagined. At first there was a lot of dead time in which key dialogue was omitted. Then the Priori Incantatum was fast forwarded again, the part which is the most important of the film!
Alan Rickman delivers but is used mostly for comic relief. There is only a slight passing reference to his Death Eater status, and Voldemort does not announce that he is going to kill him.
Lucious Malfoy is way too proud and presumptive in the presence of Lord Voldemort.
The makeup for Voldemort is incredible: all they forgot to include was the red eyes. However, Ralph Fiennes portrayal fell a bit short. He was far more menacing in Schindler's List.
The twins and Ginny were used more often to good effect. Percy and Mrs. Weasley are completely left out... which did give Hermione a very funny job (she acts very much in a Mrs. W manner when trying to wake Ron). Charlie is mentioned but not portrayed. I won't even go into Flitwick (i don't really like the changes to him that they've made in the past two films), but i will say that the development of Neville was better than in the past. Dennis Creevey was a welcome addition. Nagini thankfully looked more menacing than the basilisk. Fawkes makes a small appearance. Moaning Myrtle was a bit too much, but overall the humor flowed a lot better. Several scenes were a joy to see because i care for these characters so much. Dame Maggie Smith, for instance, had a small but meaningful part.
Several cast changes were disturbing. Angelina Johnson for instance: what happened to Danielle Taylor/Tabor? Why did they make both the Patil twins Gryffindors? One is supposed to be a Ravenclaw! Why did they have to make Fleur look so incapable (she is a Champion, after all, she should know how to defend herself)? Why did they have to leave out Snuffles, Pig, Dobby, Winky, the Sphinx, and Rita Skeeter's end? Four out of six of those characters are very important to the plots of future books.
Lastly, why cut out the gift of the galleons to the twins? I think that with every film so far it has been the very ending that has failed the most to deliver. Overall, GoF is better but it still has room for improvement. TPTB were able to fit a lot into 2 1/2 hours, but they still just couldn't do the book justice... But as that's almost absolutely impossible i wasn't expecting them too, anyway.
Would i recommend? Yes. Will i go see it in the theater again? If i can. Will i buy the DVD? I can hardly wait for the deleted scenes! I look forward to dissecting the film in greater detail. All in all, it was a cold and sometimes stressful wait for tickets but a worthy way to spend the night of year six, month eleven, day seven, of my own little journey.
P
O
I
L
E
R
S
P
A
C
E
Imho, Goblet of Fire is the best Harry Potter movie that has been made to date. It's very enjoyable and a lot funnier than the past three, but it still has its failings. The first half of the film felt like it was in fast forward. Key details were modified, some for no apparent reason.
Gambon still did not deliver as Dumbledore (i know he can do better than this). And what on earth happened to his spectacles?
The scene in the graveyard was not as scary as i imagined. At first there was a lot of dead time in which key dialogue was omitted. Then the Priori Incantatum was fast forwarded again, the part which is the most important of the film!
Alan Rickman delivers but is used mostly for comic relief. There is only a slight passing reference to his Death Eater status, and Voldemort does not announce that he is going to kill him.
Lucious Malfoy is way too proud and presumptive in the presence of Lord Voldemort.
The makeup for Voldemort is incredible: all they forgot to include was the red eyes. However, Ralph Fiennes portrayal fell a bit short. He was far more menacing in Schindler's List.
The twins and Ginny were used more often to good effect. Percy and Mrs. Weasley are completely left out... which did give Hermione a very funny job (she acts very much in a Mrs. W manner when trying to wake Ron). Charlie is mentioned but not portrayed. I won't even go into Flitwick (i don't really like the changes to him that they've made in the past two films), but i will say that the development of Neville was better than in the past. Dennis Creevey was a welcome addition. Nagini thankfully looked more menacing than the basilisk. Fawkes makes a small appearance. Moaning Myrtle was a bit too much, but overall the humor flowed a lot better. Several scenes were a joy to see because i care for these characters so much. Dame Maggie Smith, for instance, had a small but meaningful part.
Several cast changes were disturbing. Angelina Johnson for instance: what happened to Danielle Taylor/Tabor? Why did they make both the Patil twins Gryffindors? One is supposed to be a Ravenclaw! Why did they have to make Fleur look so incapable (she is a Champion, after all, she should know how to defend herself)? Why did they have to leave out Snuffles, Pig, Dobby, Winky, the Sphinx, and Rita Skeeter's end? Four out of six of those characters are very important to the plots of future books.
Lastly, why cut out the gift of the galleons to the twins? I think that with every film so far it has been the very ending that has failed the most to deliver. Overall, GoF is better but it still has room for improvement. TPTB were able to fit a lot into 2 1/2 hours, but they still just couldn't do the book justice... But as that's almost absolutely impossible i wasn't expecting them too, anyway.
Would i recommend? Yes. Will i go see it in the theater again? If i can. Will i buy the DVD? I can hardly wait for the deleted scenes! I look forward to dissecting the film in greater detail. All in all, it was a cold and sometimes stressful wait for tickets but a worthy way to spend the night of year six, month eleven, day seven, of my own little journey.
al·le·go·ry
1.
1. The representation of abstract ideas or principles by characters, figures, or events in narrative, dramatic, or pictorial form.
2. A story, picture, or play employing such representation. John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress and Herman Melville's Moby Dick are allegories.
2. A symbolic representation: The blindfolded figure with scales is an allegory of justice.
I'm coming clean, here: people sometimes listen to me but instead of actually comprehending they accuse me of lying and/or twist my words. More blunt facts:
1) The Harry Potter books are not entirely an allegory in the way that the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is for instance. In LWW Aslan not only represents Jesus, he is Jesus, and as such he lays down his life for the sins of Edmund in order to defeat the White Witch (who represents Satan).
2) However, certain aspects of the books can be construed as allegory. A very strong instance of this are the events outlined in chapter one of the Sorcerer's Stone but not explained until later on. Lord Voldemort comes to murder Harry. Harry's father perishes because he will not stand aside. And then when Harry's mother perishes her love for her son creates a protection on Harry that makes it impossible for Voldemort to kill Harry. When he casts the killing curse he is almost defeated. Later when he returns he cannot touch Harry because Harry is encompassed in his mother's love and protection. This is like Jesus' love for us as Christians: He freely died for our salvation and once we accept this gift His protection runs through our very veins. Satan cannot touch us. That's powerful stuff!
3) Voldemort uses dark magic, but he's the bad guy. No one wants him to win. He's the manifestation of evil, a symbol for Hitler or even Satan. He's the ultimate evil, the ultimate bad guy. This, too, is a kind of allegory, but his actions do not directly follow the Bible. After all, Satan's every action in today's world is not depicted in those pages, only prophecies of his eventual actions.
4) In the HP world and our own love and goodness will be the ultimate victors. I have full confidence than in book seven evil will be defeated and good will triumph. This is how it is in the real world, too, even when the dark seems more real than the light.
1. The representation of abstract ideas or principles by characters, figures, or events in narrative, dramatic, or pictorial form.
2. A story, picture, or play employing such representation. John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress and Herman Melville's Moby Dick are allegories.
2. A symbolic representation: The blindfolded figure with scales is an allegory of justice.
I'm coming clean, here: people sometimes listen to me but instead of actually comprehending they accuse me of lying and/or twist my words. More blunt facts:
1) The Harry Potter books are not entirely an allegory in the way that the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is for instance. In LWW Aslan not only represents Jesus, he is Jesus, and as such he lays down his life for the sins of Edmund in order to defeat the White Witch (who represents Satan).
2) However, certain aspects of the books can be construed as allegory. A very strong instance of this are the events outlined in chapter one of the Sorcerer's Stone but not explained until later on. Lord Voldemort comes to murder Harry. Harry's father perishes because he will not stand aside. And then when Harry's mother perishes her love for her son creates a protection on Harry that makes it impossible for Voldemort to kill Harry. When he casts the killing curse he is almost defeated. Later when he returns he cannot touch Harry because Harry is encompassed in his mother's love and protection. This is like Jesus' love for us as Christians: He freely died for our salvation and once we accept this gift His protection runs through our very veins. Satan cannot touch us. That's powerful stuff!
3) Voldemort uses dark magic, but he's the bad guy. No one wants him to win. He's the manifestation of evil, a symbol for Hitler or even Satan. He's the ultimate evil, the ultimate bad guy. This, too, is a kind of allegory, but his actions do not directly follow the Bible. After all, Satan's every action in today's world is not depicted in those pages, only prophecies of his eventual actions.
4) In the HP world and our own love and goodness will be the ultimate victors. I have full confidence than in book seven evil will be defeated and good will triumph. This is how it is in the real world, too, even when the dark seems more real than the light.
HP madness
Yes, i went to a midnight viewing. My mom took it well but my dad had to make a bit of a deal about it. At breakfast this morning he said that there is "black magic" in it and that my sister and i were wrong to go. After i left (i bit my tongue) my sis says that my Mom said that Rowling used spells right out of a real magic book. I was understandably upset. I can't believe people (Christians, no less) are still spreading these lies. If the words Harry Potter uses to cast spells are evil then everyone out there needs to stop learning Latin now (bad homeschoolers and studiers of the classics! bad bad bad! (; ). That's what all the words are, Latin for what the person wishes to do (some mixed with a bit of other languages like French or Arabic). Need a little light? Lumos is the word for light. Want to put out the light? Nox is the word for dark. Use your head please, that's why God gave it to you.
I'm sorry if being so blunt offends you; but at the same time i'm not. It's not that i have all the answers, but there are a few things about which i know a great deal, and this is one of them. People who don't listen to me often seem to make themselves look ridiculous because of said lack of listening and it's all on them. Let me see if i can make this crystal clear: 1) Rowling is a Christian. 2) Harry Potter is make believe (this means pretend) and has nothing to do with magic (as it exists in the real world) whatsoever. 3) Real magic is wrong / evil / sinful, but again: Harry Potter has nothing to do with the real world, nor is it anti-God. 4) All of the content of these books pushes Godly behavior. The bad guys are portrayed as bad guys. The good guys are fallible but attempting to do what is right instead of what is easy. 5) God meant for us to use our imaginations: that's why He gave them to us. 6) There are many Christians who read these books and have no problem with it. 7) Many Christians actually see echoes of God's love in these pages and feel closer to Him because of it.
Whoever you are, you don't have to read Harry Potter if you don't want to. If you don't feel it will enrich your life, fine, it's your perogative to ignore them. But don't lie about things that you don't know anything about. Don't listen to other peoples' lies. I fully endorse finding out the truth for one's self; that's what Jesus told us to do, after all. If you want to know more but don't want to read the books yourself--but do want to hear much more detailed observations about Harry Potter from a Christian perspective--click on the button on the right that says "Gryffindor". That's my Harry Potter site. I have written a few essays (linked to right under the words Lumos Nox) that go deeper into my analysis of the lies versus the truth.
You don't have to listen to me if you don't want to, but then why would you want to perpetuate lies, live in the dark, or otherwise make a fool of yourself? Harsh words, i know, but sin is a serious business. Bearing false witness is forbidden in the ten commandments, after all ("Do not testify falsely against your neighbor" Exodus 20:16). I say all of this with a clear conscience... be sure you can do the same.
I'm sorry if being so blunt offends you; but at the same time i'm not. It's not that i have all the answers, but there are a few things about which i know a great deal, and this is one of them. People who don't listen to me often seem to make themselves look ridiculous because of said lack of listening and it's all on them. Let me see if i can make this crystal clear: 1) Rowling is a Christian. 2) Harry Potter is make believe (this means pretend) and has nothing to do with magic (as it exists in the real world) whatsoever. 3) Real magic is wrong / evil / sinful, but again: Harry Potter has nothing to do with the real world, nor is it anti-God. 4) All of the content of these books pushes Godly behavior. The bad guys are portrayed as bad guys. The good guys are fallible but attempting to do what is right instead of what is easy. 5) God meant for us to use our imaginations: that's why He gave them to us. 6) There are many Christians who read these books and have no problem with it. 7) Many Christians actually see echoes of God's love in these pages and feel closer to Him because of it.
Whoever you are, you don't have to read Harry Potter if you don't want to. If you don't feel it will enrich your life, fine, it's your perogative to ignore them. But don't lie about things that you don't know anything about. Don't listen to other peoples' lies. I fully endorse finding out the truth for one's self; that's what Jesus told us to do, after all. If you want to know more but don't want to read the books yourself--but do want to hear much more detailed observations about Harry Potter from a Christian perspective--click on the button on the right that says "Gryffindor". That's my Harry Potter site. I have written a few essays (linked to right under the words Lumos Nox) that go deeper into my analysis of the lies versus the truth.
You don't have to listen to me if you don't want to, but then why would you want to perpetuate lies, live in the dark, or otherwise make a fool of yourself? Harsh words, i know, but sin is a serious business. Bearing false witness is forbidden in the ten commandments, after all ("Do not testify falsely against your neighbor" Exodus 20:16). I say all of this with a clear conscience... be sure you can do the same.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
another fine snowshark poll
for LADIES: Turned on or off or don't care when a guy:
Rides a skateboard: on
Dresses like a surfer bum: ? dc
Dresses in all black: dc
Plays a musical instrument: on
sings: on
Is shorter than you: off
Is taller than you: on
has chapped lips: off
Has green eyes: dc
Has blue eyes: on
Has brown eyes: dc
Drinks alcohol: off
Smokes cigarettes: off
Smokes pot: off
has brown hair: on
Has Black hair: on
Shaggy hair: depends on if he can work it
Shaved head: on
Wears tight pants: huh? probably off
Dresses like prep: off
Plays a sport: dc
Has an accent: dc
Can pick you up: rofl... like this is going to happen, but on
Works out: on
Smiles a lot: on
Calls you just to say hi: i agree, "def on"
Is a deep thinker: on
Lets you know whats on his mind: on
wears eyeliner: off unless it's Depp
eye brow piercing: probably off
Lip piercing: off
Has Tattoos: depends on the tat
Gauged Ears: dc as long as it's not huge
not a very complete list, is it?
Rides a skateboard: on
Dresses like a surfer bum: ? dc
Dresses in all black: dc
Plays a musical instrument: on
sings: on
Is shorter than you: off
Is taller than you: on
has chapped lips: off
Has green eyes: dc
Has blue eyes: on
Has brown eyes: dc
Drinks alcohol: off
Smokes cigarettes: off
Smokes pot: off
has brown hair: on
Has Black hair: on
Shaggy hair: depends on if he can work it
Shaved head: on
Wears tight pants: huh? probably off
Dresses like prep: off
Plays a sport: dc
Has an accent: dc
Can pick you up: rofl... like this is going to happen, but on
Works out: on
Smiles a lot: on
Calls you just to say hi: i agree, "def on"
Is a deep thinker: on
Lets you know whats on his mind: on
wears eyeliner: off unless it's Depp
eye brow piercing: probably off
Lip piercing: off
Has Tattoos: depends on the tat
Gauged Ears: dc as long as it's not huge
not a very complete list, is it?
re: Bert
i mean, it really would be terrifying to wake up one day and find Elmo staring back at me... on multiple levels.
more randomness (can you tell i'm in a good mood?)
i just love coming here and being greeted by Bert's smiling face every day (:
re: spring schedule
Tuesday and Thursday
Mythology (unless i decide to change it to Comparative Politics)
Weightlifting
Archery
gap that will hopefully be filled with cardio and lunch
Art Appreciation
World's Greatest Films (as much as it sounds like one, i know this will not be an easy course; you have to write a paper for every film you watch)
Monday Wednesday Friday
Spanish (year one, part 2)
i just noticed: every time i spell Wednesday i say it out in my head "wed" (as in to marry) "nez" (as in the last name of a guy i knew in high school) "day" (as in dia).
i've also noticed that the keyboard i'm currently using is very annoying: the left shift keeps getting stuck and i keep making typos because the keys feel strange.
Mythology (unless i decide to change it to Comparative Politics)
Weightlifting
Archery
gap that will hopefully be filled with cardio and lunch
Art Appreciation
World's Greatest Films (as much as it sounds like one, i know this will not be an easy course; you have to write a paper for every film you watch)
Monday Wednesday Friday
Spanish (year one, part 2)
i just noticed: every time i spell Wednesday i say it out in my head "wed" (as in to marry) "nez" (as in the last name of a guy i knew in high school) "day" (as in dia).
i've also noticed that the keyboard i'm currently using is very annoying: the left shift keeps getting stuck and i keep making typos because the keys feel strange.
not so low, solo
So, i've basically decided to stop stressing about school. Knitting was the only thing that was keeping me from going insane. Now i've changed my spring schedule and am not going to worry about it. I've always been able to bring it to my science finals, and even if i don't for this final... i'll just retake it at Biola if i need it (i'm not at all sure i actually will). I might pass with a C, you never know.
At choir i auditioned for the solo in A La Media Noche and got it. Mrs. Niles has been impressed with my progress apparently. I have no idea why. I feel like i'm just doing the same old same old. Anyways, the alto section in particular was overjoyed by the announcement, though the response throughout the entire class seems to have been positive. Athena in particular said she thought that this was just what i needed from God right now. I guess i did pray about it, so thanks go out to Him.
I think that this semester more than any other time i have been able to let loose and just be who i am. I dyed my hair orange. I've been dressing more the way that i want to (though i fully expect to update my wardrobe further as soon as i get my first check from Powderhorn and throughout the season). I've come out of my shell some and stood up for who i am. I've been openly knitting a lot, and i just love it. I have so many projects that i want to do right now... if only i can find the money and the time.
Things are slowly but surely getting better, not so dark. The end of the year is coming on so fast! I have high hopes that the seven year mark will finally be the time where the dark is lifted and God begins whispering to me again. One can only hope, right? Anyways, it's been a good day. I think it's going to stay that way.
At choir i auditioned for the solo in A La Media Noche and got it. Mrs. Niles has been impressed with my progress apparently. I have no idea why. I feel like i'm just doing the same old same old. Anyways, the alto section in particular was overjoyed by the announcement, though the response throughout the entire class seems to have been positive. Athena in particular said she thought that this was just what i needed from God right now. I guess i did pray about it, so thanks go out to Him.
I think that this semester more than any other time i have been able to let loose and just be who i am. I dyed my hair orange. I've been dressing more the way that i want to (though i fully expect to update my wardrobe further as soon as i get my first check from Powderhorn and throughout the season). I've come out of my shell some and stood up for who i am. I've been openly knitting a lot, and i just love it. I have so many projects that i want to do right now... if only i can find the money and the time.
Things are slowly but surely getting better, not so dark. The end of the year is coming on so fast! I have high hopes that the seven year mark will finally be the time where the dark is lifted and God begins whispering to me again. One can only hope, right? Anyways, it's been a good day. I think it's going to stay that way.
life verse
Blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank.
~ Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NLT)
~ Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NLT)
Saturday, November 12, 2005
getting up
On Friday in Physics we had a quiz on the chapter that we have barely started (in other words, we were being tested on stuff we hadn't even covered yet). Then, in Acting I, we did an exercise called "Getting Up" in which we lay down on the floor and were supposed to take five minutes to get up (in slow mo basically). We weren't supposed to have any movement that wasn't related to getting up and we weren't supposed to stop moving.
Upon beginning i tried to sit up as slowly as possible (my first step): it took me sixty seconds. My teacher (Cowden) says: "Too fast, Kristine, start over." I lay back down and thought for a little while, my mind racing: "How am i supposed to sit up any slower? My abs can't take it. We're supposed to get up the same way we always get up, only slower, there's no way to do this. It's ludicrous." I sat up again. No one else had moved it seemed. I lay back down.
In preface to this activity Cowden emphatically stated: "If you don't want to fully participate then there's the door." I don't want the door. But this activity is impossible. There is no way for me to sit up so slowly that it takes three minutes. At the three minute mark i'm back sitting up and people are finally starting to move a little. I slowly move my hands to the floor beside me, palms down, and start to push myself (from my side now) up onto my knees. Things are finally going a bit better, but here it becomes obvious that this cannot be like the way i really get up because normally i just give a push and am up. But here, i'm going to have to walk my hands towards my knees so i can hold myself upright as i stand from a kneeling position. Four minutes.
I start to slowly lengthen my legs, getting a nice stretch (i can easily place my hands flat on the floor with my feet together and knees straight, so this is nice, but it's not an activity that's sole purpose is to get up). I slowly roll my shoulders up, am done about fifteen seconds short. We get back in a circle and talk about what happened. People say a lot of nonsense about having to concentrate a lot, etc., blah blah blah. Cowden mentions me being in fast forward or something. I say something about my abs not being strong enough to sit up that slowly and he just glares at me. I've seen this look before; it means, "I do not want to hear your excuses." I am this >< close to being thrown out.
We proceed to games where we make a machine out of ourselves, next time an instrument, then we do an exercise where we're split into groups and are given a bit to sing over and over and he changes little bits and we're all different "instruments". This was fun but he kept wanting us to get louder so i got rather hoarse.
Now. I do not want to complain needlessly. I'm not trying to have a bad attitude. I know i need to come out my shell and act crazy in public more often, particularly because i enjoy doing so and it's good development for my chosen profession. But being singled out as being too fast when i actually attempted the exercise as instructed while everyone else just lay there for three minutes is ludicrous.
I then feel like a fool because a friend shows me the call board which i couldn't find because Ivanov gave everyone bad directions. He said "Go down the hall past Cowden's office. It will probably be posted near his office, but it might be farther down towards the Dracula call board. So i go up and down that hall looking for the cast lists for three days and finally on the third day i find out that they were posted on Tuesday as promised and it's not past Cowden's office, it's beside his office in a little hall that only has an emergency exit, and every time i have gone down the main hall the light in this small hall off the main hall has been off and i couldn't even see said call board, let alone read it.
As you can imagine, i had a really lousy Friday.
I'm considering dropping Playwriting now because i don't know that i want to take another semester of Cowden. He's really funny, and inspirational, and then he can be a total jerk. He doesn't care to get to know me, or explain why i irritate him, or what i'm doing wrong, he just wants me to shut up and do something more, something that i have no idea how to discern what it is.
Why do i have to be so literal? Why can no one take ten minutes to explain what i'm doing wrong? Why is it like there was some big meeting that i missed where everything was spelled out for everyone to see but me? I hate it!
I didn't get cast in any of the ten one acts. What am i even doing in this department if i'm not going to get to act? To learn? To work? I am so upset and down about it all. It's the same every day. I hate it.
Upon beginning i tried to sit up as slowly as possible (my first step): it took me sixty seconds. My teacher (Cowden) says: "Too fast, Kristine, start over." I lay back down and thought for a little while, my mind racing: "How am i supposed to sit up any slower? My abs can't take it. We're supposed to get up the same way we always get up, only slower, there's no way to do this. It's ludicrous." I sat up again. No one else had moved it seemed. I lay back down.
In preface to this activity Cowden emphatically stated: "If you don't want to fully participate then there's the door." I don't want the door. But this activity is impossible. There is no way for me to sit up so slowly that it takes three minutes. At the three minute mark i'm back sitting up and people are finally starting to move a little. I slowly move my hands to the floor beside me, palms down, and start to push myself (from my side now) up onto my knees. Things are finally going a bit better, but here it becomes obvious that this cannot be like the way i really get up because normally i just give a push and am up. But here, i'm going to have to walk my hands towards my knees so i can hold myself upright as i stand from a kneeling position. Four minutes.
I start to slowly lengthen my legs, getting a nice stretch (i can easily place my hands flat on the floor with my feet together and knees straight, so this is nice, but it's not an activity that's sole purpose is to get up). I slowly roll my shoulders up, am done about fifteen seconds short. We get back in a circle and talk about what happened. People say a lot of nonsense about having to concentrate a lot, etc., blah blah blah. Cowden mentions me being in fast forward or something. I say something about my abs not being strong enough to sit up that slowly and he just glares at me. I've seen this look before; it means, "I do not want to hear your excuses." I am this >< close to being thrown out.
We proceed to games where we make a machine out of ourselves, next time an instrument, then we do an exercise where we're split into groups and are given a bit to sing over and over and he changes little bits and we're all different "instruments". This was fun but he kept wanting us to get louder so i got rather hoarse.
Now. I do not want to complain needlessly. I'm not trying to have a bad attitude. I know i need to come out my shell and act crazy in public more often, particularly because i enjoy doing so and it's good development for my chosen profession. But being singled out as being too fast when i actually attempted the exercise as instructed while everyone else just lay there for three minutes is ludicrous.
I then feel like a fool because a friend shows me the call board which i couldn't find because Ivanov gave everyone bad directions. He said "Go down the hall past Cowden's office. It will probably be posted near his office, but it might be farther down towards the Dracula call board. So i go up and down that hall looking for the cast lists for three days and finally on the third day i find out that they were posted on Tuesday as promised and it's not past Cowden's office, it's beside his office in a little hall that only has an emergency exit, and every time i have gone down the main hall the light in this small hall off the main hall has been off and i couldn't even see said call board, let alone read it.
As you can imagine, i had a really lousy Friday.
I'm considering dropping Playwriting now because i don't know that i want to take another semester of Cowden. He's really funny, and inspirational, and then he can be a total jerk. He doesn't care to get to know me, or explain why i irritate him, or what i'm doing wrong, he just wants me to shut up and do something more, something that i have no idea how to discern what it is.
Why do i have to be so literal? Why can no one take ten minutes to explain what i'm doing wrong? Why is it like there was some big meeting that i missed where everything was spelled out for everyone to see but me? I hate it!
I didn't get cast in any of the ten one acts. What am i even doing in this department if i'm not going to get to act? To learn? To work? I am so upset and down about it all. It's the same every day. I hate it.
update
Well, today i went to the Powderhorn Job Fair and got hired (yes)! I am going to either be a Lift Operator and/or a Lift Dispatcher. See, they want to make me Lift Dispatcher, which would basically be a data entry job but i would relay messages via radio in the event of a lift break down. The trouble is that the main days for Lift Dispatcher are Saturday and Sunday as those are the most busy. But i don't work on Sundays. So i will possibly working as a Lift Operator instead (at $7 an hour), but possibly both and splitting the weekend with someone else (the Dispatch position pays $8 an hour). It's too much of a job for one person anyways, even full time. But i'm their only Dispatcher right now. So praise God! Plus Megan is going to let me drive her car while she's gone i think.
Re: GoF, i finally found out that it will be at Carmike with a midnight viewing but tickets aren't on sale yet. At least i found out that much.
Re: Captivating
I read a few more pages today. It's really speaking to me as lately i've been feeling guilty about being so whiny/passionate about my desire for the Lord and this book basically says that's the way i'm made to be (as a woman). I hate feeling guilty for being who i am, so this is encouraging news.
Btw, yesterday i hit six years, eleven months: i'm praying that seven years will be long enough for God. <sigh> But of course i'll wait longer if i have to. ):
(;
Re: GoF, i finally found out that it will be at Carmike with a midnight viewing but tickets aren't on sale yet. At least i found out that much.
Re: Captivating
I read a few more pages today. It's really speaking to me as lately i've been feeling guilty about being so whiny/passionate about my desire for the Lord and this book basically says that's the way i'm made to be (as a woman). I hate feeling guilty for being who i am, so this is encouraging news.
Btw, yesterday i hit six years, eleven months: i'm praying that seven years will be long enough for God. <sigh> But of course i'll wait longer if i have to. ):
(;
Thursday, November 10, 2005
THIS IS HOW <tired> I REALLY AM
You are
[] short, under 5'2
[x] 5'2 -5'6"
[] 5'7" - 6'0
[] tall 6'2 and up
NATURALLY
[] blonde
[] redhead
[] brunette
[x] dirty blonde/brownish
[] dark brown
[] black
[x] blue-eyed
[] brown-eyed
[] green-eyed
[-] hazel eyed hey, i got a little bit around my irises!
[] gold/gray/green-eyed
[] silver/gray- eyed
[] blue/green-eyed
[] blue/gray-eyed
[] they change colors
[x] glasses
[-] contacts i miss!
[] neither
[] short hair
[x] medium
[] long hair
Your favorite color(s) are?
[x] red dark red
[] khaki
[] pink
[] hot pink
[] yellow
[] black
[] green
[-] lime green it's up there
[XXXX] blue
[x] white
[x] turquoise duh, it's blue
[] silver
[x] purple
[x] brown
[x] orange especially when with...
[x] grey
[] maroon burgundy or brick is more my color
[?] gold
[x] clear
[] don't really care
Some things you've done?
[x] ice skating
[x] hiking
[] kayaking
[] rafting
[] water skiing
[x] camping
[x] horseback riding
[] surfing and skim/wake boarding i wish!!!!
[x] snowboarding
[x] skiing
[] skateboarding
[] cheerleading
[] lacrosse
[] street hockey
[] gymnastics i wish
[-] martial arts only if tae bo counts: i don't have the money for real martial arts
[] bmx
[] baton twirling
Your personality is sometimes...
[x] talkative
[x] shy
[x] funny
[x] serious
[] laid back
[] grumpy
[] strict
[x] hyper
[XXXX] weird
[?] ditzy
[X] sarcastic
[] slow
you can't stand listening to?
[] pop
[X] country
[] christian
[] classical
[] techno
[] oldies
[?] opera
[] reggae
[] emo
[] 80's
[] disco
[] rap
The pets you have had?
[x] cat
[x] dog
[] lizard
[] rat
[] ferret
[x] bunny hated it
[x] fish ditto
[] duck
[] horse
[] bird
[] frog
[]hermit crab
[] prarie dog
[] none
[] turtle
[x] hamster
[] snake
[x] gerbil
[] guinea pig
[] pig
[] goat
[] chinchilla
[] tarantula
[] geese
[] chicken
Clothing Brands you like?
[] Delia's
[x] American Eagle
[] Hollister
[] The Buckle too expensive
[] Abercrombie & Fitch too slutty... the catalogs i mean
[?] Target
[?] Wal-mart
[] Wet Seal
[?] O'neill
[x] PacSun
[] Aeropostale
[] Dickies
[?] Quicksilver
[x]Roxy
[] Anchor Blue
[NOT] Guess
[] Lucky
[] Champs
[x] Salvation army/goodwill,
[x] if i like it i'll wear it
[sometimes] old navy
[] only name brand
[] dont really care
NO Tommy
Shoe Brands?
[] Nike
[?] Adidas
[X] Reebok
[] Etnies
[] Converse
[] K Swiss
[] Steve Madden
[x] Vans
[x] if i like something ill buy it no matter what brand
[] New Balance
[?] LEI
[] Payless don't carry anything any good anymore
[] Basics
No Keds
States I have been to.
[x] Alabama
[] Alaska
[XXXX] Arizona
[x] Arkansas
[xx] California
[xx] Colorado
[] Connecticut
[] Delaware
[x] Florida
[x] Georgia
[] Hawaii
[] Idaho
[x] Illinois
[x] Indiana
[x] Iowa
[x] Kansas
[x] Kentucky
[x] Louisiana
[] Maine
[x] Maryland
[] Massachusetts
[] Michigan
[] Minnesota
[x] Mississippi
[x] Missouri
[] Montana
[x] Nebraska
[x] Nevada
[] New Hampshire
[] New Jersey
[x] New Mexico
[] New York
[xx] North Carolina
[] North Dakota
[x] Ohio
[x] Oklahoma
[] Oregon
[x] Pennsylvania
[] Rhode Island
[x] South Carolina
[] South Dakota
[x] Tennessee
[x] Texas
[x] Utah
[] Vermont
[xx] Virginia
[] Washington
[x] Washington D.C.
[x] West Virginia
[] Wisconsin
[] Wyoming
your confessions:
[] im afraid of the quiet
[] I am really ticklish
[X] I'm afraid of the dark sometimes
[] I've collected comic books (use to)
[x] I shut others out when I'm sad
[?] I open up to others easily
[-] I read the news sometimes: listen to it more often
[] I love Disney movies NOT
[x] I am a sucker for eyes
[] I don't kill bugs
[] I have "x"s in my screen name
[x] I bake well
[] I have worn pajamas to class
[] I love Martha Stewart No, but i don't think she should have been sent to prison
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS
[x] I am self-conscious
[x] I love to laugh.
[] I have tried a cigarette
[-] I can't swallow pills have to stuff it down my throat and water is no help
[X] I bite my nails
[] I want your mom
[X] I play computer games when I'm bored
[x] Gotten lost in the city
[] Gone out in public in your pajamas
[] Made out in an elevator
[] Been skydiving
[] Been bungee jumping
[] Bitten someone
[x] Dressed up like a guy/girl (well duh)
[] egged a house/car
[x] Crashed into a car
[] Been fired
[] Been skinny dipping
Have you ever...
[] stolen a sign
[X] danced in the rain definitely
[x] Seen a shooting star a really bright one Monday night
[] proposed to anyone
[x] Gotten stitches
[] Eaten Sushi
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[x] Ridden in a taxi
[] Been on a cruise ship
[x]Driven over 400 miles in one day
[x] Been on a Plane by yourself
[] had surgery just stitches
[x] seen a movie more than 3 times in the theater
[x] been on stage
[x] peed somewhere other than a toilet
[?] gotten a black eye
[] memorized all the dialogue in a movie
[x] watched an entire baseball game on tv
Do you like...
[x] old movies
[] musicals not really
[x] blasting music in your car
[x] foreign foods
[] anime
[XXX] Christmas time
[?] donuts sometimes i crave them, but usually it's take 'em or leave 'em
[X] animals
[x] coffee when there's lots of milk, sugar, and chocolate in it
[] short, under 5'2
[x] 5'2 -5'6"
[] 5'7" - 6'0
[] tall 6'2 and up
NATURALLY
[] blonde
[] redhead
[] brunette
[x] dirty blonde/brownish
[] dark brown
[] black
[x] blue-eyed
[] brown-eyed
[] green-eyed
[-] hazel eyed hey, i got a little bit around my irises!
[] gold/gray/green-eyed
[] silver/gray- eyed
[] blue/green-eyed
[] blue/gray-eyed
[] they change colors
[x] glasses
[-] contacts i miss!
[] neither
[] short hair
[x] medium
[] long hair
Your favorite color(s) are?
[x] red dark red
[] khaki
[] pink
[] hot pink
[] yellow
[] black
[] green
[-] lime green it's up there
[XXXX] blue
[x] white
[x] turquoise duh, it's blue
[] silver
[x] purple
[x] brown
[x] orange especially when with...
[x] grey
[] maroon burgundy or brick is more my color
[?] gold
[x] clear
[] don't really care
Some things you've done?
[x] ice skating
[x] hiking
[] kayaking
[] rafting
[] water skiing
[x] camping
[x] horseback riding
[] surfing and skim/wake boarding i wish!!!!
[x] snowboarding
[x] skiing
[] skateboarding
[] cheerleading
[] lacrosse
[] street hockey
[] gymnastics i wish
[-] martial arts only if tae bo counts: i don't have the money for real martial arts
[] bmx
[] baton twirling
Your personality is sometimes...
[x] talkative
[x] shy
[x] funny
[x] serious
[] laid back
[] grumpy
[] strict
[x] hyper
[XXXX] weird
[?] ditzy
[X] sarcastic
[] slow
you can't stand listening to?
[] pop
[X] country
[] christian
[] classical
[] techno
[] oldies
[?] opera
[] reggae
[] emo
[] 80's
[] disco
[] rap
The pets you have had?
[x] cat
[x] dog
[] lizard
[] rat
[] ferret
[x] bunny hated it
[x] fish ditto
[] duck
[] horse
[] bird
[] frog
[]hermit crab
[] prarie dog
[] none
[] turtle
[x] hamster
[] snake
[x] gerbil
[] guinea pig
[] pig
[] goat
[] chinchilla
[] tarantula
[] geese
[] chicken
Clothing Brands you like?
[] Delia's
[x] American Eagle
[] Hollister
[] The Buckle too expensive
[] Abercrombie & Fitch too slutty... the catalogs i mean
[?] Target
[?] Wal-mart
[] Wet Seal
[?] O'neill
[x] PacSun
[] Aeropostale
[] Dickies
[?] Quicksilver
[x]Roxy
[] Anchor Blue
[NOT] Guess
[] Lucky
[] Champs
[x] Salvation army/goodwill,
[x] if i like it i'll wear it
[sometimes] old navy
[] only name brand
[] dont really care
NO Tommy
Shoe Brands?
[] Nike
[?] Adidas
[X] Reebok
[] Etnies
[] Converse
[] K Swiss
[] Steve Madden
[x] Vans
[x] if i like something ill buy it no matter what brand
[] New Balance
[?] LEI
[] Payless don't carry anything any good anymore
[] Basics
No Keds
States I have been to.
[x] Alabama
[] Alaska
[XXXX] Arizona
[x] Arkansas
[xx] California
[xx] Colorado
[] Connecticut
[] Delaware
[x] Florida
[x] Georgia
[] Hawaii
[] Idaho
[x] Illinois
[x] Indiana
[x] Iowa
[x] Kansas
[x] Kentucky
[x] Louisiana
[] Maine
[x] Maryland
[] Massachusetts
[] Michigan
[] Minnesota
[x] Mississippi
[x] Missouri
[] Montana
[x] Nebraska
[x] Nevada
[] New Hampshire
[] New Jersey
[x] New Mexico
[] New York
[xx] North Carolina
[] North Dakota
[x] Ohio
[x] Oklahoma
[] Oregon
[x] Pennsylvania
[] Rhode Island
[x] South Carolina
[] South Dakota
[x] Tennessee
[x] Texas
[x] Utah
[] Vermont
[xx] Virginia
[] Washington
[x] Washington D.C.
[x] West Virginia
[] Wisconsin
[] Wyoming
your confessions:
[] im afraid of the quiet
[] I am really ticklish
[X] I'm afraid of the dark sometimes
[] I've collected comic books (use to)
[x] I shut others out when I'm sad
[?] I open up to others easily
[-] I read the news sometimes: listen to it more often
[] I love Disney movies NOT
[x] I am a sucker for eyes
[] I don't kill bugs
[] I have "x"s in my screen name
[x] I bake well
[] I have worn pajamas to class
[] I love Martha Stewart No, but i don't think she should have been sent to prison
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS
[x] I am self-conscious
[x] I love to laugh.
[] I have tried a cigarette
[-] I can't swallow pills have to stuff it down my throat and water is no help
[X] I bite my nails
[] I want your mom
[X] I play computer games when I'm bored
[x] Gotten lost in the city
[] Gone out in public in your pajamas
[] Made out in an elevator
[] Been skydiving
[] Been bungee jumping
[] Bitten someone
[x] Dressed up like a guy/girl (well duh)
[] egged a house/car
[x] Crashed into a car
[] Been fired
[] Been skinny dipping
Have you ever...
[] stolen a sign
[X] danced in the rain definitely
[x] Seen a shooting star a really bright one Monday night
[] proposed to anyone
[x] Gotten stitches
[] Eaten Sushi
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[x] Ridden in a taxi
[] Been on a cruise ship
[x]Driven over 400 miles in one day
[x] Been on a Plane by yourself
[] had surgery just stitches
[x] seen a movie more than 3 times in the theater
[x] been on stage
[x] peed somewhere other than a toilet
[?] gotten a black eye
[] memorized all the dialogue in a movie
[x] watched an entire baseball game on tv
Do you like...
[x] old movies
[] musicals not really
[x] blasting music in your car
[x] foreign foods
[] anime
[XXX] Christmas time
[?] donuts sometimes i crave them, but usually it's take 'em or leave 'em
[X] animals
[x] coffee when there's lots of milk, sugar, and chocolate in it
(yawn)
i am so exhausted
i had stuff i wanted to say (that i've been wanting to say for a couple of days, actually), but now i can't remember what it is... i hate that
i had stuff i wanted to say (that i've been wanting to say for a couple of days, actually), but now i can't remember what it is... i hate that
i remember...
...riding with my father in the yellow ex-mail-jeep, in the front seat, the doors off or open, the wind blowing in my hair, with a sour apple blow pop in my mouth.
...wearing knee high white tube socks, one pair with turquoise stripes, the other with lavender stripes.
...sitting on a pew with my father, learning how to tie my shoes, while my mother was in choir practice.
...running down a hill full tilt, trying not to fall down.
...eating little red berries off the tree behind the Sunday school wing.
...climbing up a huge tractor tire alone and being yelled at because i wouldn't help Megan climb up (even though i had always been told that i had to learn how to climb up alone and never receiving help myself).
...seesawing in the dark.
...learning how to swing while holding a rainbow pinwheel at sunset.
...sitting in a wooden firetruck, playing house, with the only boy who liked me in preschool, and promising to marry him when i grew up under the tree that grew next to the truck.
...accidentally swallowing the gum Dad gave me after he picked me up from preschool and being afraid that he would be mad.
...eating vanilla fudge marble ice cream with one of those funky tongue depresser sticks.
...opening my lunchbox and eating one Twinkie first, the other last.
...wanting to watch Smurfs and He-Man at my babysitters (because everyone else did!).
...being forced to watch Betty Boop at another babysitter's. Climbing up on a huge stump in the back yard, playing velcro-ball tic-tac-toe, crying when Megan pulled the tail off my calico cat doll.
...playing with the pompoms in the preschool nursery, proudly proclaiming that i was going to be a cheerleader when i grew up, and being laughed at. Wanting to play with Play-Doh and color and always being told no. Putting elmer's glue all over my hands just so i could peel it off. Watching Psalty and proclaiming "Beautiful is my favorite song" only to be met with hostility on the part of the other students.
...being forced to try to take a nap on green camp cots in the foyer of the church my preschool was at.
...putting my mouth on the drinking fountain while standing on a stepstool in said foyer.
...praying so hard to get to play the bunny at the Christmas pageant that was on my fifth birthday... and knowing that God heard my prayer and the answer was yes.
...Dad turning the lights off on a certain windy stretch of road on the way back from AWANA.
...wearing knee high white tube socks, one pair with turquoise stripes, the other with lavender stripes.
...sitting on a pew with my father, learning how to tie my shoes, while my mother was in choir practice.
...running down a hill full tilt, trying not to fall down.
...eating little red berries off the tree behind the Sunday school wing.
...climbing up a huge tractor tire alone and being yelled at because i wouldn't help Megan climb up (even though i had always been told that i had to learn how to climb up alone and never receiving help myself).
...seesawing in the dark.
...learning how to swing while holding a rainbow pinwheel at sunset.
...sitting in a wooden firetruck, playing house, with the only boy who liked me in preschool, and promising to marry him when i grew up under the tree that grew next to the truck.
...accidentally swallowing the gum Dad gave me after he picked me up from preschool and being afraid that he would be mad.
...eating vanilla fudge marble ice cream with one of those funky tongue depresser sticks.
...opening my lunchbox and eating one Twinkie first, the other last.
...wanting to watch Smurfs and He-Man at my babysitters (because everyone else did!).
...being forced to watch Betty Boop at another babysitter's. Climbing up on a huge stump in the back yard, playing velcro-ball tic-tac-toe, crying when Megan pulled the tail off my calico cat doll.
...playing with the pompoms in the preschool nursery, proudly proclaiming that i was going to be a cheerleader when i grew up, and being laughed at. Wanting to play with Play-Doh and color and always being told no. Putting elmer's glue all over my hands just so i could peel it off. Watching Psalty and proclaiming "Beautiful is my favorite song" only to be met with hostility on the part of the other students.
...being forced to try to take a nap on green camp cots in the foyer of the church my preschool was at.
...putting my mouth on the drinking fountain while standing on a stepstool in said foyer.
...praying so hard to get to play the bunny at the Christmas pageant that was on my fifth birthday... and knowing that God heard my prayer and the answer was yes.
...Dad turning the lights off on a certain windy stretch of road on the way back from AWANA.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
on boys/guys/the other half of the species
what i'm knitting ~ still working on my PoA scarf (but am nearly done)
what i'm listening to ~ music for Chorus and Acting auditions
what i'm reading ~ i wish
what i'm writing ~ just finished two papers for school
I have pretty much decided to give up on guys yet again. It's just not worth getting all excited about. I go to school four days a week and am surrounded by attractive (and not so attractive males) and none of them show a modicum of interest in me. I only know a few superficially, and there's no reason to drool over guys that aren't into me or share my beliefs. I've always been honest when the subject comes up: i'm a virgin, i'm waiting for a guy to pursue me. People act like i'm crazy when i admit that (that i want the guy to make the first move). They act like, "How can you honestly expect a guy to have the guts to make the first move?!?" My Mom recently bought the book Captivating, which i have read the first two chapters of, and it outlines the way in which women are designed to be. They want to be treated like a princess, swept of their feet by a knight in shining armor, no matter how strong or self sufficient they are. I never dreamt of being a princess as a child, but i must admit that i always felt an affinity for Maid Marion and Sleeping Beauty for some strange reason (bummer, i lost my train of thought, i know there was someone else i wanted to mention)... Yes, i'm talking about me, the girl who likes movies where girls kick *it* with the best of the guys: Max, Leeloo, and Sydney Bristow, just to name a few.
Why do people act like it's wrong to feel that you're completed by another person? Why are we supposed to be independent, not need anyone, and act as if we're perfect? I'm not perfect, i hate being independent, and i do need someone. I need God, but i also feel incomplete being single, even when He's overflowing my heart with love and joy. Why should i be ashamed to admit that? When God created Adam and all the animals He saw that Adam was alone and lonely, that there was no companion suitable for him, and so He made one (Genesis 2:18-24)! And so if God did that for Adam and Eve i believe that i am designed to perfect one man's life just as he is designed to perfect mine. God made us for each other. I think this is why as a child i always assumed that i would marry a boy that was older than me, because God made Adam first so He must make my husband before me, too. (:
Anyways, i'm just so sick of thinking about it all the time. Every time i meet a guy i think: "Could he be the one?" And of course he's not. He's not interested. He's attractive, he's nice, but he's not him. They always say that you'll find him when you stop looking for him (who in the world is "they" anyway? it drives me wild how they always feel that they're an authority about my life) you'll find him. So i gave up on guys. I didn't find one (i thought i might have, but we never got past the crush stage: he didn't want to be friends even, apparently). I slowly started looking again as i got more and more lonely, more and more desperate. I still haven't found him and now i'm a whiney damsel in distress. I don't want that. I don't want to be imagining up situations where Elijah Wood or Orlando Bloom are rescuing me--because quite honestly i don't know that i'd want them rescuing me even if they came, i don't really know who they really are--but i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that maybe that's exactly who God designed me to be (the damsel in distress). As much as i hate to admit it, i want to be rescued, too. Not that i want my husband to replace God in my life, but i just don't feel complete being single, either.
Now i know that a lot of people are saying to themselves right now: "You don't need or want a guy, you don't know how lucky you are," and, "See the world while you still can," etc. Frankly i don't want to see the world alone and i have no nothing moolah to trade (to quote Jar Jar). My sister is married now, so we can't do things together like we used to. I need a new traveling buddy. Sure, i want to go on the Amazing Race but have no one to do it with. I want to travel around the world, but not alone. Yes, i want kids, but i want them whenever God wants me to have them. If He wants me to focus on school, career, husband for a while that's fine... i just want to at least find a guy to give me my first kiss. I can just see myself getting cast in West Side Story as Maria (i'm imagining this, mind you, i'm not saying it's going to happen) and getting my first kiss(es) from whoever's cast as Tony. That's not the memory i want to have, to be working with and crushing on a guy (or even worse, working with a guy i'm not into) who's kissing me simply because it's in the script.
That's not life... it's holding my breath and waiting for life to begin. I'm sick of it. I don't want to find some random guy and jump in the sack with him, i don't even want to date a guy if he's not the one, but i'm tired of crushes not getting past eye tag and long conversations where we click but nothing happens. I've never even been asked out on a date. I'm going to be twenty-four in thirty-nine days (thirty-eight, really) for crying out loud. I'm so tired of waiting. I know i'm weak, i know i should have more patience, but the last few good crushes i had... one guy was sixteen and one guy had to drop out of the class we had together before anything happened and he reminded my of one of my uncles. That's pathetic. It's like i'm still stuck in junior high; it's been ten years that i've been praying about acting, twenty plus that i've been praying about being a wife, how long do i have to wait? I feel like i'm a fool to have these feelings, to look at a random guy and wonder what it would be like to just be able to have a conversation and know you're understood and helping each other be who they are meant to be. I don't need the sex (though i would like to have it quite a lot :blush:). I need to get past hoping and dreaming and waiting to doing.
But it never happens. It's in God's hands and He never does a single thing with it. Wait, wait, wait. And i hate it. I hate feeling like my life has been on hold every since the day of my first memory when i was about three. I hate feeling afraid of my father and wondering when he's going to get mad again and throw something and break my heart even more. I hate feeling bad because i'm not under his authority but when i was he was telling me to go against my heart. I want to be submissive to my husband. I want to be protected by him. But if he were anything like my father i think it would kill me, too. So i wait for God to send the right one with bated breath and a broken heart. I wait.
what i'm listening to ~ music for Chorus and Acting auditions
what i'm reading ~ i wish
what i'm writing ~ just finished two papers for school
I have pretty much decided to give up on guys yet again. It's just not worth getting all excited about. I go to school four days a week and am surrounded by attractive (and not so attractive males) and none of them show a modicum of interest in me. I only know a few superficially, and there's no reason to drool over guys that aren't into me or share my beliefs. I've always been honest when the subject comes up: i'm a virgin, i'm waiting for a guy to pursue me. People act like i'm crazy when i admit that (that i want the guy to make the first move). They act like, "How can you honestly expect a guy to have the guts to make the first move?!?" My Mom recently bought the book Captivating, which i have read the first two chapters of, and it outlines the way in which women are designed to be. They want to be treated like a princess, swept of their feet by a knight in shining armor, no matter how strong or self sufficient they are. I never dreamt of being a princess as a child, but i must admit that i always felt an affinity for Maid Marion and Sleeping Beauty for some strange reason (bummer, i lost my train of thought, i know there was someone else i wanted to mention)... Yes, i'm talking about me, the girl who likes movies where girls kick *it* with the best of the guys: Max, Leeloo, and Sydney Bristow, just to name a few.
Why do people act like it's wrong to feel that you're completed by another person? Why are we supposed to be independent, not need anyone, and act as if we're perfect? I'm not perfect, i hate being independent, and i do need someone. I need God, but i also feel incomplete being single, even when He's overflowing my heart with love and joy. Why should i be ashamed to admit that? When God created Adam and all the animals He saw that Adam was alone and lonely, that there was no companion suitable for him, and so He made one (Genesis 2:18-24)! And so if God did that for Adam and Eve i believe that i am designed to perfect one man's life just as he is designed to perfect mine. God made us for each other. I think this is why as a child i always assumed that i would marry a boy that was older than me, because God made Adam first so He must make my husband before me, too. (:
Anyways, i'm just so sick of thinking about it all the time. Every time i meet a guy i think: "Could he be the one?" And of course he's not. He's not interested. He's attractive, he's nice, but he's not him. They always say that you'll find him when you stop looking for him (who in the world is "they" anyway? it drives me wild how they always feel that they're an authority about my life) you'll find him. So i gave up on guys. I didn't find one (i thought i might have, but we never got past the crush stage: he didn't want to be friends even, apparently). I slowly started looking again as i got more and more lonely, more and more desperate. I still haven't found him and now i'm a whiney damsel in distress. I don't want that. I don't want to be imagining up situations where Elijah Wood or Orlando Bloom are rescuing me--because quite honestly i don't know that i'd want them rescuing me even if they came, i don't really know who they really are--but i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that maybe that's exactly who God designed me to be (the damsel in distress). As much as i hate to admit it, i want to be rescued, too. Not that i want my husband to replace God in my life, but i just don't feel complete being single, either.
Now i know that a lot of people are saying to themselves right now: "You don't need or want a guy, you don't know how lucky you are," and, "See the world while you still can," etc. Frankly i don't want to see the world alone and i have no nothing moolah to trade (to quote Jar Jar). My sister is married now, so we can't do things together like we used to. I need a new traveling buddy. Sure, i want to go on the Amazing Race but have no one to do it with. I want to travel around the world, but not alone. Yes, i want kids, but i want them whenever God wants me to have them. If He wants me to focus on school, career, husband for a while that's fine... i just want to at least find a guy to give me my first kiss. I can just see myself getting cast in West Side Story as Maria (i'm imagining this, mind you, i'm not saying it's going to happen) and getting my first kiss(es) from whoever's cast as Tony. That's not the memory i want to have, to be working with and crushing on a guy (or even worse, working with a guy i'm not into) who's kissing me simply because it's in the script.
That's not life... it's holding my breath and waiting for life to begin. I'm sick of it. I don't want to find some random guy and jump in the sack with him, i don't even want to date a guy if he's not the one, but i'm tired of crushes not getting past eye tag and long conversations where we click but nothing happens. I've never even been asked out on a date. I'm going to be twenty-four in thirty-nine days (thirty-eight, really) for crying out loud. I'm so tired of waiting. I know i'm weak, i know i should have more patience, but the last few good crushes i had... one guy was sixteen and one guy had to drop out of the class we had together before anything happened and he reminded my of one of my uncles. That's pathetic. It's like i'm still stuck in junior high; it's been ten years that i've been praying about acting, twenty plus that i've been praying about being a wife, how long do i have to wait? I feel like i'm a fool to have these feelings, to look at a random guy and wonder what it would be like to just be able to have a conversation and know you're understood and helping each other be who they are meant to be. I don't need the sex (though i would like to have it quite a lot :blush:). I need to get past hoping and dreaming and waiting to doing.
But it never happens. It's in God's hands and He never does a single thing with it. Wait, wait, wait. And i hate it. I hate feeling like my life has been on hold every since the day of my first memory when i was about three. I hate feeling afraid of my father and wondering when he's going to get mad again and throw something and break my heart even more. I hate feeling bad because i'm not under his authority but when i was he was telling me to go against my heart. I want to be submissive to my husband. I want to be protected by him. But if he were anything like my father i think it would kill me, too. So i wait for God to send the right one with bated breath and a broken heart. I wait.
Monday, November 07, 2005
prayer
"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."
~ C.S. Lewis
"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair."
~ C.S. Lewis
"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."
~ C.S. Lewis
"The primary object of prayer is to know God better; we and our needs should come second."
~ C.S. Lewis
I am ashamed to admit that the person i pray for the most is myself. I pray for other people, but more often i mean to pray for them and then forget to. After all, each day is such a battle... Today was especially so, as i got a Physics test back that was a D(!), had to listen to my teacher insult the collective class because we weren't smart enough to read the book enough times to discover information that isn't even there, and then i had to perform my scene for Acting I (which fortunately actually went pretty well). The scene went better than i expected, but i was so worked up from Physics and so nervous and so out of sorts because my breakfast wasn't settling well (eating a spicy jalapeno bagel alone is not too smart). All morning i prayed for myself. When i heard sirens i didn't even have enough presence of mind to pray for the rescue workers or those who might be in danger (which i always do). I've just been so stressed out that i have neglected prayer. I'm so exhausted all the time that i can't really concentrate long enough to pray properly, either. I've listed some prayer requests on the sidebar; hopefully it will remind me to pray every time i post here at least. (Sorry that i'm not more articulate at the moment!)
~ C.S. Lewis
"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair."
~ C.S. Lewis
"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."
~ C.S. Lewis
"The primary object of prayer is to know God better; we and our needs should come second."
~ C.S. Lewis
I am ashamed to admit that the person i pray for the most is myself. I pray for other people, but more often i mean to pray for them and then forget to. After all, each day is such a battle... Today was especially so, as i got a Physics test back that was a D(!), had to listen to my teacher insult the collective class because we weren't smart enough to read the book enough times to discover information that isn't even there, and then i had to perform my scene for Acting I (which fortunately actually went pretty well). The scene went better than i expected, but i was so worked up from Physics and so nervous and so out of sorts because my breakfast wasn't settling well (eating a spicy jalapeno bagel alone is not too smart). All morning i prayed for myself. When i heard sirens i didn't even have enough presence of mind to pray for the rescue workers or those who might be in danger (which i always do). I've just been so stressed out that i have neglected prayer. I'm so exhausted all the time that i can't really concentrate long enough to pray properly, either. I've listed some prayer requests on the sidebar; hopefully it will remind me to pray every time i post here at least. (Sorry that i'm not more articulate at the moment!)
stuck in my head
desperation leads us here leads us here ~ illumination meets us here meets us here ~ revelation brings us here brings us here ~ restoration frees us here frees us here
and i don't want to leave ~ i don't want to leave this place ~ no, i don't want to leave ~ i never want to leave this place
it's so amazing ~ Your unchanging love ~ simply amazing ~ never changing love, love, love ~ revolutionary love
reparation leads us here leads us here ~ liberation meets us here meets us here ~ jubilation brings us here brings us here ~ higher elevation frees us here frees us here
it's so amazing ~ Your unchanging love ~ simply amazing ~ never changing love, love, love ~ revolutionary love
Your revolutionary love ~ Your revolutionary love, love, love
You're a revolution i want to be revolutionary ~ You're a revolution i want to be
revolutionary ~ You're a revolution i want to be ~ love, love, love ~ revolutionary love
~ David Crowder Band "Revolutionary Love"
and i don't want to leave ~ i don't want to leave this place ~ no, i don't want to leave ~ i never want to leave this place
it's so amazing ~ Your unchanging love ~ simply amazing ~ never changing love, love, love ~ revolutionary love
reparation leads us here leads us here ~ liberation meets us here meets us here ~ jubilation brings us here brings us here ~ higher elevation frees us here frees us here
it's so amazing ~ Your unchanging love ~ simply amazing ~ never changing love, love, love ~ revolutionary love
Your revolutionary love ~ Your revolutionary love, love, love
You're a revolution i want to be revolutionary ~ You're a revolution i want to be
revolutionary ~ You're a revolution i want to be ~ love, love, love ~ revolutionary love
~ David Crowder Band "Revolutionary Love"
Sunday, November 06, 2005
whew
It's been a long weekend. On Saturday morning i went to school at nine. We went over our scene that we present on Monday. There were lots of silly mistakes, but we know our lines (if we could simply spit them out!). I think we can do fine tomorrow; i hope we do fine.
At ten auditions began. I did ten cold readings in the space of four hours. At first it was fun, a bit akward because i was in the same room (and thus the same readings as) Chris Coon, who is a great actor but absolute stranger, but after a while it got exhausting. It was difficult to remain interested in the content. By the end i just wanted to eat and relax. I didn't get called back, which was actually sort of a relief because callbacks were right then. Cast list should go up Tuesday afternoon.
In Sunday school we're now in Job, a subject very close to my heart and that raises a lot of questions for me understandably. (:
Today was church per usual. I took my new hoody planning to basically just wear it outside and ended up wearing it 80% of the time. It wasn't even that cold outside, but it was chilly inside! The message was given by Bobby Vaughn, the Associate Pastor of Missions, and was about men being the spiritual leader in the home and women being submissive. It was pretty good. It was hard for me because (as you all know) i hate being single. He said his grandfather was married to the same woman for 70-some years and died at 102. He got married at my age or a little older, almost certainly had met her at my age. I haven't even met my Imzadi yet (as far as i know). It's just disheartening.
This afternoon my mom and i learned how to play Backgammon together. Not that hard, though i daresay there are probably rules and nuances that weren't covered in our copy of the rules.
At Wal-mat my sister got sick in the middle of an aisle and i got hair dye. See, i've decided to dye my hair dark brown for West Side Story auditions after all. Then, when it starts to fade a bit, i'll use the red-orange color from last time to highlight or cover accordingly. I don't expect the dark brown to stay dark brown for long. So my hair will not be Ginny-ish for GoF, more Harry-ish. I know it's not practical, i know it will be obvious that i did it just for the audition, but i just can't imagine myself auditioning with blazing orange hair.
AWANA went super fast. We only had six in T&T. Went well enough i guess. I thought one clubber was getting close to accepting the Lord, but i'm not sure. She might already be saved, but i just felt she was leaning that way. We were talking about Romans 3:23.
So i just finished my homework. I'm going to go downstairs and dye and shave my legs. Then i'll go to bed. Fun, fun, fun. Pray for us tomorrow, cuz we need it.
At ten auditions began. I did ten cold readings in the space of four hours. At first it was fun, a bit akward because i was in the same room (and thus the same readings as) Chris Coon, who is a great actor but absolute stranger, but after a while it got exhausting. It was difficult to remain interested in the content. By the end i just wanted to eat and relax. I didn't get called back, which was actually sort of a relief because callbacks were right then. Cast list should go up Tuesday afternoon.
In Sunday school we're now in Job, a subject very close to my heart and that raises a lot of questions for me understandably. (:
Today was church per usual. I took my new hoody planning to basically just wear it outside and ended up wearing it 80% of the time. It wasn't even that cold outside, but it was chilly inside! The message was given by Bobby Vaughn, the Associate Pastor of Missions, and was about men being the spiritual leader in the home and women being submissive. It was pretty good. It was hard for me because (as you all know) i hate being single. He said his grandfather was married to the same woman for 70-some years and died at 102. He got married at my age or a little older, almost certainly had met her at my age. I haven't even met my Imzadi yet (as far as i know). It's just disheartening.
This afternoon my mom and i learned how to play Backgammon together. Not that hard, though i daresay there are probably rules and nuances that weren't covered in our copy of the rules.
At Wal-mat my sister got sick in the middle of an aisle and i got hair dye. See, i've decided to dye my hair dark brown for West Side Story auditions after all. Then, when it starts to fade a bit, i'll use the red-orange color from last time to highlight or cover accordingly. I don't expect the dark brown to stay dark brown for long. So my hair will not be Ginny-ish for GoF, more Harry-ish. I know it's not practical, i know it will be obvious that i did it just for the audition, but i just can't imagine myself auditioning with blazing orange hair.
AWANA went super fast. We only had six in T&T. Went well enough i guess. I thought one clubber was getting close to accepting the Lord, but i'm not sure. She might already be saved, but i just felt she was leaning that way. We were talking about Romans 3:23.
So i just finished my homework. I'm going to go downstairs and dye and shave my legs. Then i'll go to bed. Fun, fun, fun. Pray for us tomorrow, cuz we need it.
stuck in my head
[The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]
is this one for the people? ~ is this one for the Lord? ~ or do i simply serenade for things i must afford? ~ you can jumble them together, my conflict still remains ~ holiness is calling in the midst of courting fame
cuz i see the trust in their eyes ~ though the sky is falling ~ they need Your love in their lives ~ compromise is calling
what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? ~ will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? ~ what if i stumble? ~ and what if I fall?
what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ You never turn in the heat of it all ~ what if i stumble, what if i fall?
Father please forgive me for i cannot compose ~ the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows ~ if struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you’ve carved ~ why do i dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
do they see the fear in my eyes? ~ are they so revealing? ~ this time i cannot disguise ~ all the doubt i’m feeling
what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? ~ will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? ~ what if i stumble? ~ and what if I fall?
what if I stumble? ~ everyone’s got to crawl when you know that you’re up against a wall, it’s about to fall ~ everyone’s got to crawl when you know that
i hear you whispering my name ~ You say "My love for you will never change" ~ never change
what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? ~ will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? ~ what if i stumble? ~ and what if I fall?
what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ You never turn in the heat of it all ~ what if I stumble, what if I fall? ~ You are my comfort, and my God
~ DC Talk "What if I Stumble"
is this one for the people? ~ is this one for the Lord? ~ or do i simply serenade for things i must afford? ~ you can jumble them together, my conflict still remains ~ holiness is calling in the midst of courting fame
cuz i see the trust in their eyes ~ though the sky is falling ~ they need Your love in their lives ~ compromise is calling
what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? ~ will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? ~ what if i stumble? ~ and what if I fall?
what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ You never turn in the heat of it all ~ what if i stumble, what if i fall?
Father please forgive me for i cannot compose ~ the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows ~ if struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you’ve carved ~ why do i dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
do they see the fear in my eyes? ~ are they so revealing? ~ this time i cannot disguise ~ all the doubt i’m feeling
what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? ~ will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? ~ what if i stumble? ~ and what if I fall?
what if I stumble? ~ everyone’s got to crawl when you know that you’re up against a wall, it’s about to fall ~ everyone’s got to crawl when you know that
i hear you whispering my name ~ You say "My love for you will never change" ~ never change
what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? ~ will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? ~ what if i stumble? ~ and what if I fall?
what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ You never turn in the heat of it all ~ what if I stumble, what if I fall? ~ You are my comfort, and my God
~ DC Talk "What if I Stumble"
Saturday, November 05, 2005
re: page rank
Just who is it that gets to decide how relevant a page is, anyway? One man's junk is another man's treasure.
Hot Topic HP error
Hot Topic is finally coming out with stuff for Goblet of Fire, including T's featuring each of the house seals, the only problem is... Ravenclaw's mascot is not a raven. It's an eagle with black claws. So the Ravenclaw shirt is totally messed up. Way to go on paying attention to details, guys.
wish lists
I've been messing around with my wish lists; all the links should be updated now (the only exception is my Fox wish list which cannot be made public). Clothes are sooooo expensive that it's not even funny. There's all this stuff that i want but i know i probably won't be able to buy even 5% of it. Plus i wouldn't be able to buy it in the size i want. I hate that.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Lately it seems that the more i look around me the more i notice that God is at work all around me. Sometimes He gives me little nudges of hope and relief, and i don't know if it's worse to get these inaudible whispers or to focus on the deafening silence. I never really know if it's just me or if He's really speaking to me. I never know if i should be encouraged or mad because these promises and nudges still deny me fruition, are only attempts to reassure me and get me to hold on for even longer. I hate waiting. I hate the sensation that He is just using me. I want to feel loved again, and comforted, and see with my own eyes the things that--while i know they are true--i cannot see displayed in my life anymore. He's the love of my life and yet it feels like He's turned His back on me. I still struggle to discover how to survive each day, how to serve, how to thrive. I don't know how to stay where i am but i cannot move on. I am in a cage, one not of my making, no matter what others say of it. I am a slave to Him and His will. If it is not His will for deliverance to come at this time i will wait... because i must. Life is not worth living if He is not overflowing it with love and joy.
einstein quotes
"The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives."
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
"True religion is real living; living with all one's soul, with all one's goodness and righteousness."
"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."
"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."
"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."
"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."
"God is subtle but He is not malicious."
more and more
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
"True religion is real living; living with all one's soul, with all one's goodness and righteousness."
"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."
"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."
"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."
"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."
"God is subtle but He is not malicious."
more and more
payday finally!
It's amazing how much spending a little money will make me feel better. Unfortunately i usually end up feeling guilty about buy so much for myself, but that hasn't kicked in yet. I made a one-time pledge to K-Love for tithe (it just felt right at the time), payed off my car insurance (until February if i'm not mistaken), and started my Christmas shopping. I finally got my snowboard back fully equipped, as well as a stomp pad (stars that go just right) and gloves that match it and my new jacket. I found a Fox hoody at Ross for $20 (all the hoodies in my Fox wishlist are about $50). And i bought dinner, some hygiene products (read: shampoo and conditioner and deoderant, all necessary), and some hair dye.
The dye i mulled over for a while: i wanted to dye my hair this cool red-orange again about a week ago. I didn't have the money. Then today a fellow acting major said she was going brunette for West Side Story auditions... so i wondered if i should, too. But i want to be a red head for the GoF premiere in particular, and WSS auditions are the Monday after: it's not very good for my hair or cost effective to dye twice so close. I finally just got the red stuff. If i get cast i'll dye my hair dark brown the week of the show, otherwise it will fade into a color that's too light.
One act auditions (sprung on us when they posted it Wednesday) are tomorrow.
I feel blessed but at the same time want to spend even more on myself but know i need to save since Work Study is over and i don't know that i'll be hired at Powderhorn or when my first paycheck would be. And i still have to do more Christmas shopping, i've only got presents for six out of thirteen people, and that doesn't include stocking stuffers or a gift for the "friend" my uncle is bringing along. And what if i have to buy presents for more family members than that? I like to give, but i always feel like my money is gone before i have it.
The dye i mulled over for a while: i wanted to dye my hair this cool red-orange again about a week ago. I didn't have the money. Then today a fellow acting major said she was going brunette for West Side Story auditions... so i wondered if i should, too. But i want to be a red head for the GoF premiere in particular, and WSS auditions are the Monday after: it's not very good for my hair or cost effective to dye twice so close. I finally just got the red stuff. If i get cast i'll dye my hair dark brown the week of the show, otherwise it will fade into a color that's too light.
One act auditions (sprung on us when they posted it Wednesday) are tomorrow.
I feel blessed but at the same time want to spend even more on myself but know i need to save since Work Study is over and i don't know that i'll be hired at Powderhorn or when my first paycheck would be. And i still have to do more Christmas shopping, i've only got presents for six out of thirteen people, and that doesn't include stocking stuffers or a gift for the "friend" my uncle is bringing along. And what if i have to buy presents for more family members than that? I like to give, but i always feel like my money is gone before i have it.
life verse
When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you.
~ Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)
~ Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
worked on the scene today
In my acting class i’m doing a scene with two other young women. We asked our teacher to watch our scene outside of class and he sort of jumped all over me. In the scene i’m in an arguement with one girl and she is really quiet and i’m supposed to be telling her to shut up… which totally wasn’t working. Well i felt like i couldn’t let go and yell at her because i was totally overpowering her, but he said the burden is totally on me and basically that i need to stop messing around, making excuses, and go for it. My other scene partner (who has the least to do) said she’s been trying to tell me the same thing. Man, why can’t people just come out and say things without jumping all over me? I’m trying really hard and feel like i’m getting nowhere. I think i can act, but i don’t know if he was so hard on me because he believes that, too, or if i just stink at it. I hate the way it makes me feel to be yelled at like that, too, and i messed up some of my lines in front of him (that i have been trying soooo hard to nail), which he was mad about, too. I don’t know whether to love him or hate him sometimes.
See more progress on: be an actress
stuck in my head
started rubbing sticks together ~ thought a spark would take forever ~ never dreamt this fire would appear ~ when Moses saw the Bush in flames ~ and heard the branches speak his name ~ i wonder if he felt this kind of fear
cuz i'm burnin' ~ yeah, i'm burnin' ~ and i know i'm gonna blister in these flames ~ so i'll stay here ~ til this smoke clears ~ and i'll find You in the ashes that remain
used to be that i could say ~ my faith was one arm's length away ~ from any flame that ever felt too warm ~ asked for matches, but i recieved ~ a gallon full of gasoline ~ now my cozy campfire days are gone
cuz i'm burnin' ~ yeah, i'm burnin' ~ and i know i'm gonna blister in these flames ~ so i'll stay here ~ til this smoke clears ~ and i'll find You in the ashes that remain
"knock with caution at the door" ~ they said "beware of what you're praying for" ~ so i'll stand here with my whole desire ~ in the middle of this forest fire ~ til i've nothing left to show ~ and new life begins to grow...
cuz i'm burnin' ~ yeah, i'm burnin' ~ and i know i'm gonna blister in these flames ~ so i'll stay here ~ til this smoke clears ~ and i'll find You in the ashes that remain
~ Nichole Nordeman "Burnin'"
cuz i'm burnin' ~ yeah, i'm burnin' ~ and i know i'm gonna blister in these flames ~ so i'll stay here ~ til this smoke clears ~ and i'll find You in the ashes that remain
used to be that i could say ~ my faith was one arm's length away ~ from any flame that ever felt too warm ~ asked for matches, but i recieved ~ a gallon full of gasoline ~ now my cozy campfire days are gone
cuz i'm burnin' ~ yeah, i'm burnin' ~ and i know i'm gonna blister in these flames ~ so i'll stay here ~ til this smoke clears ~ and i'll find You in the ashes that remain
"knock with caution at the door" ~ they said "beware of what you're praying for" ~ so i'll stand here with my whole desire ~ in the middle of this forest fire ~ til i've nothing left to show ~ and new life begins to grow...
cuz i'm burnin' ~ yeah, i'm burnin' ~ and i know i'm gonna blister in these flames ~ so i'll stay here ~ til this smoke clears ~ and i'll find You in the ashes that remain
~ Nichole Nordeman "Burnin'"
miracles and morality
On Sunday at Sunday school the class was discussing the changes that are made when one becomes a brand new Christian. The general consensus of the class was that behavioral changes happen gradually. I related how i've met several separate individuals who were drug addicts, alcoholics, smokers, etc., who quit cold turkey once they asked Jesus to take over their lives and fill up the void in their hearts. Everyone else in class seemed to believe that such an event is a miracle, is a rarity. Why do people refuse to admit that God is capable of miracles everyday? Why do they have to be pessimistic and quantify and qualify it as "that rarely happens, that's not normal."
On SVU this week the ep was about racism and nazism. One of the guest stars was J.C. Mackenzie, formerly of Dark Angel, which i found to be surprising as he was one of the main nazis. Then tonight on original L&O the subject was sterilizing drug addicts/abusive parents/women who abuse welfare... without their approval or knowledge. At the end the defending lawyer said that lots of people think that's okay. I don't. One of the women in the ep who couldn't have children anymore had cleaned up her life and was attending college and would never ever be able to have kids. That's heartbreaking.
God is a God of second chances. He's a God of miracles. He's a God that will hear you when you cry out to Him and run--not walk--to your rescue. That's what the Bible tells me to believe. The sin and immorality that was displayed (on some of my favorite TV shows no less) the past couple of weeks has astounded me. Mom cannot comprehend it. I do in a way: people want to live the way they are living, and it really seems that Satan is firmly in control of their hearts, but i don't want to believe that. People look at me like i'm crazy when i tell them i want to go into the entertainment business because it's liberal, immoral, etc., but that's why i need to go there. Someone has to make a difference there.
But my sinful nature and lack of patience is something i struggle with everyday. Should i curse? Should i be waiting or is it really just wasting the time i have on this planet? Today Brittany said to me that i have a lot of anger in me and that i need to let it out for this scene we are doing: but i don't want to let that anger out, i don't want to let it consume or control me. I don't want to give into the fear that Satan is in control and winning because i don't want to believe that it's true. I'm not really an optimist anymore, but i still fight against becoming a pessimist.
I've taken two Jung / Myers-Briggs personality tests lately. I think i'm an INFP: Introverted Intuition Feeling Perceiving. But the strange thing is that the more i read the more i know that i can't be defined by four letters, i'm a bit of all eight. I'm a weird mix between Introverted and Extroverted, between Thinking and Feeling. I'm unique; i use both sides of my brain equally. I'm just trying to figure out who i am, and who God wants me to be. I can't accept that i'm going through the dark for nothing, there must be a reason, something He wants me to learn... otherwise what's the point?
I don't know what to do with my now. Should i stay at Mesa State? Apply to attend Biola? Enlist in the military? Apply to work at Powderhorn? Hitchhike to LA? What? I'm desperate. I don't know what to do. I can't stand to see Satan winning battles (though i know he'll lose the war). I can't stand to notice where God is working and not be a part of it, but i know that's not where He wants me. He's told me where He wants me, promised it to me, but for some reason He seems to want me to wait. "Here am i, Lord, send me," but there is never an answer. Six years, ten months, twenty-two days seems an eternity to me. I'm not patient, i'm not good at waiting, but that's what i've had to do for almost seven years: longer really, because i've wanted to grow up so i could serve God since i was about three.
I chose to highlight INFP because a lot of it fits. I have a kinship with Joan of Arc. I identify with the statements "Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often unhappy childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which, unfortunately, is discouraged . . . by many parents." and "Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful. . .".
Just tonight at dinner my Mom mentioned having "another Drama Queen in the family", and i know she didn't mean to be hurtful, but it was. I feel like my entire life i've been struggling to be the real me yet to satisfy everyone else at the same time. People don't like the real me: i'm offensive, ugly, outlandish, a freak. I still try to hide my differences a lot because there are moments when i want nothing more than to fit in. That's the very opposite of who i am, who i strive to be, but it's still there. I hate being alone: sometimes i need to be, but i don't want it for always.
If God cannot perform miracles everyday how can new life be brought into the world? How can there be healing and forgiveness? How can anyone move mountains, call fire from the sky, walk on water? How can anyone be rescued when they cry out to the God who made them, who knows all their secret dreams and sorrows? I'm tired of people trying to limit God. I'm tired of people trying to limit me. I only want to be who He wants me to be, but who is that? Which way do i go? I have no patience, how am i supposed to get some, and would i be the same person if i did? Would changing be such a bad thing, would losing the old me be so awful? I'm so scared. I want to do His will but i have no idea what that is. I don't know how to get through a single day but i don't want to bail out on Him. I don't want to be alone but i don't want to throw myself at a guy just to get a one night stand. I'm working for eternity, not for the here and now. And yet is it so wrong to want a comfortable life on earth for a while?
I look at magazines and see so many beautiful bodies (sometimes more of them than i think i should) but i think that every one is a work of art. God created those models, knit them together in their mothers' wombs. I feel beautiful but i also feel ugly, lost under 100 pounds of flab. I feel like a genious but i also feel like an idiot because i can't figure out what to do with my life or how to understand my Physics homework.
I just simply don't know what to do. How long must i wait to get beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair,? I read verses like Isaiah 61:3--For the LORD has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory.--and marvel. How am i strong or graceful or glorifying Him?!? I'm such a mess. I try to hide my true hair color, my weight, my body, my shattered heart, my devotion to God, my desires for things that i know others don't approve of, the list goes on...
My goal is to glorify God. My goal is to be used by Him to change the world. My goal is to never be ordinary. My goal is for my heart and soul and body and spirit and life to be made whole.
What else can i say? "Boo hoo, things aren't going my way!"?! All i wanted was to be who God wants me to be, nobody else, even if the means denying myself some things. He's given me so much except for the things i want the most. It feels like He's giving me nothing. I have to remind myself of how much He's done, how much He's pulled me through. I don't want to focus on the storm, i want to focus on Him. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. But i have to believe that God is a God of miracles who can use me no matter what my limitations else what do i have to live for???? Nothing.
On SVU this week the ep was about racism and nazism. One of the guest stars was J.C. Mackenzie, formerly of Dark Angel, which i found to be surprising as he was one of the main nazis. Then tonight on original L&O the subject was sterilizing drug addicts/abusive parents/women who abuse welfare... without their approval or knowledge. At the end the defending lawyer said that lots of people think that's okay. I don't. One of the women in the ep who couldn't have children anymore had cleaned up her life and was attending college and would never ever be able to have kids. That's heartbreaking.
God is a God of second chances. He's a God of miracles. He's a God that will hear you when you cry out to Him and run--not walk--to your rescue. That's what the Bible tells me to believe. The sin and immorality that was displayed (on some of my favorite TV shows no less) the past couple of weeks has astounded me. Mom cannot comprehend it. I do in a way: people want to live the way they are living, and it really seems that Satan is firmly in control of their hearts, but i don't want to believe that. People look at me like i'm crazy when i tell them i want to go into the entertainment business because it's liberal, immoral, etc., but that's why i need to go there. Someone has to make a difference there.
But my sinful nature and lack of patience is something i struggle with everyday. Should i curse? Should i be waiting or is it really just wasting the time i have on this planet? Today Brittany said to me that i have a lot of anger in me and that i need to let it out for this scene we are doing: but i don't want to let that anger out, i don't want to let it consume or control me. I don't want to give into the fear that Satan is in control and winning because i don't want to believe that it's true. I'm not really an optimist anymore, but i still fight against becoming a pessimist.
I've taken two Jung / Myers-Briggs personality tests lately. I think i'm an INFP: Introverted Intuition Feeling Perceiving. But the strange thing is that the more i read the more i know that i can't be defined by four letters, i'm a bit of all eight. I'm a weird mix between Introverted and Extroverted, between Thinking and Feeling. I'm unique; i use both sides of my brain equally. I'm just trying to figure out who i am, and who God wants me to be. I can't accept that i'm going through the dark for nothing, there must be a reason, something He wants me to learn... otherwise what's the point?
I don't know what to do with my now. Should i stay at Mesa State? Apply to attend Biola? Enlist in the military? Apply to work at Powderhorn? Hitchhike to LA? What? I'm desperate. I don't know what to do. I can't stand to see Satan winning battles (though i know he'll lose the war). I can't stand to notice where God is working and not be a part of it, but i know that's not where He wants me. He's told me where He wants me, promised it to me, but for some reason He seems to want me to wait. "Here am i, Lord, send me," but there is never an answer. Six years, ten months, twenty-two days seems an eternity to me. I'm not patient, i'm not good at waiting, but that's what i've had to do for almost seven years: longer really, because i've wanted to grow up so i could serve God since i was about three.
I chose to highlight INFP because a lot of it fits. I have a kinship with Joan of Arc. I identify with the statements "Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often unhappy childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which, unfortunately, is discouraged . . . by many parents." and "Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful. . .".
Just tonight at dinner my Mom mentioned having "another Drama Queen in the family", and i know she didn't mean to be hurtful, but it was. I feel like my entire life i've been struggling to be the real me yet to satisfy everyone else at the same time. People don't like the real me: i'm offensive, ugly, outlandish, a freak. I still try to hide my differences a lot because there are moments when i want nothing more than to fit in. That's the very opposite of who i am, who i strive to be, but it's still there. I hate being alone: sometimes i need to be, but i don't want it for always.
If God cannot perform miracles everyday how can new life be brought into the world? How can there be healing and forgiveness? How can anyone move mountains, call fire from the sky, walk on water? How can anyone be rescued when they cry out to the God who made them, who knows all their secret dreams and sorrows? I'm tired of people trying to limit God. I'm tired of people trying to limit me. I only want to be who He wants me to be, but who is that? Which way do i go? I have no patience, how am i supposed to get some, and would i be the same person if i did? Would changing be such a bad thing, would losing the old me be so awful? I'm so scared. I want to do His will but i have no idea what that is. I don't know how to get through a single day but i don't want to bail out on Him. I don't want to be alone but i don't want to throw myself at a guy just to get a one night stand. I'm working for eternity, not for the here and now. And yet is it so wrong to want a comfortable life on earth for a while?
I look at magazines and see so many beautiful bodies (sometimes more of them than i think i should) but i think that every one is a work of art. God created those models, knit them together in their mothers' wombs. I feel beautiful but i also feel ugly, lost under 100 pounds of flab. I feel like a genious but i also feel like an idiot because i can't figure out what to do with my life or how to understand my Physics homework.
I just simply don't know what to do. How long must i wait to get beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair,? I read verses like Isaiah 61:3--For the LORD has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory.--and marvel. How am i strong or graceful or glorifying Him?!? I'm such a mess. I try to hide my true hair color, my weight, my body, my shattered heart, my devotion to God, my desires for things that i know others don't approve of, the list goes on...
My goal is to glorify God. My goal is to be used by Him to change the world. My goal is to never be ordinary. My goal is for my heart and soul and body and spirit and life to be made whole.
What else can i say? "Boo hoo, things aren't going my way!"?! All i wanted was to be who God wants me to be, nobody else, even if the means denying myself some things. He's given me so much except for the things i want the most. It feels like He's giving me nothing. I have to remind myself of how much He's done, how much He's pulled me through. I don't want to focus on the storm, i want to focus on Him. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. But i have to believe that God is a God of miracles who can use me no matter what my limitations else what do i have to live for???? Nothing.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
drat
There were tons of things that i longed to write here earlier today, and now i can't think of one of them.
spam
what i'm knitting ~ PoA scarf (3/4 of the way through)
what i'm listening to ~ lots of Harry Potter composed by John Williams, lots of K-Love
i have been getting a ton of spam in my inbox at Yahoo Mail lately and i have no idea why.
what i'm listening to ~ lots of Harry Potter composed by John Williams, lots of K-Love
i have been getting a ton of spam in my inbox at Yahoo Mail lately and i have no idea why.
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