my Saturday

Today was one of those days where it felt like Satan was throwing everything at me, trying to upset myself, but i didn't let it get to me really. It felt like i could handle it. I know my coworkers felt the same way, it was a very busy, very stressful, very long day. I spent nine and a half hours on my feet after riding my bike 2.56 miles. I was hungry, and my breaks were spaced out way too far from each other (i had to wait 3 hours for my first break), but i ate better than i had the day before when i was off work. See, work has breaks scheduled in for me, usually every 2-2 1/2 hours apart, that are perfect for snack breaks. I just wish we were allowed to have water at our stations. I had water at my station today anyway and i still didn't drink enough. 50.7oz water, 13.5oz Simply Lemonade, and 12oz Mexican Cola was perhaps barely enough liquid for me (and it should have all been water). I need to be eating more, i need to be drinking more water, and i'm probably going to feel more hungry before i feel less hungry.

The super duper scale at the gym says that i weigh five pounds more than i thought i did. To be fair i had just eaten a pretty big meal before my workout. I was eating on a budget and aware that the place i wanted to eat would be closed before i was done riding 20 minutes and lifting weights. I didn't feel ill exercising so soon after eating. I hadn't really felt hungry when i ate but i felt tired and i knew that i needed to eat something sooner rather than later.  I probably have gained muscle this week, so a weight gain isn't shocking. But i feel a little lost with my diet. I'm not used to eating a lot of carbs anymore. I eat way more protein than is normal. I'm not sure that the calorie counter i'm currently using isn't assigning me too many calories (while i felt the last one wasn't giving me enough). I don't know what to do to lose weight, i never have, it's always felt like some secret that no one will let me in on.

On face value, losing forty pounds in four months might not sound that ambitious. If you break it down that's ten pounds a month, about 2.5 pounds a week. Totally doable, right? Only i have never been able to lose weight. Maybe this is because when i was first trying to lose weight i didn't really need to, but the most successful i have ever been at losing weight is when i lost some of the jump that put me over 200 pounds. That was over thirteen years ago and i lost far less than all that weight. It's hard for me to even imagine every being that thin again, in the 200-225 range.  It just seems insurmountable.

But that isn't why i'm training. Even today, the bike kicked my butt, but i could have done all of it had i had another half hour and no sisters following me.  But at the gym i felt so strong. The stationary bike was pissing me off because first it wouldn't go above resistance level 4 and then it was at 15 when it was supposed to be a rest interval, but i kept pedaling.  Then i lifted weights, and instead of feeling weak like i thought i would i felt like i could have done more if it weren't for the fact that the gym was closing for the night. I feel surprisingly ready for harder workouts. The bike is going to kick my butt no matter what but i'm doing the runs, i'm swimming farther than the workout is asking, i am handling this.  I feel invincible right now.

Of course, tomorrow or the next day will probably be complete crap, and i'll fail at holding the lion that seeks to devour at bay, but i'll deal with that when it comes. I'll probably be laughing, too.