I don't know why but i checked out a couple of issues of Triathlete from the library after reading one. The first one i read didn't bother me, and i even found a few tips that i thought were helpful hidden on pages surrounded by other mini-articles. But overall Triathlete deluges one with images of athletes that are too thin. The man who won Kona, for instance, is shockingly skinny, doesn't look muscular so much as skeletal, and reminds me of a creepy Albert Nobbs.
I feel that in any endurance sport one needs to have a certain number of calories held in reserve that are actually held inside the body. Perhaps training for an Ironman for years strips all of that away until there is nothing left in reserve. I don't ever want to become that. I'm not sure that's physically possible but it is not a goal that i have. When i see people walking around who are that thin i am not attracted to them so much as repulsed. I'm not saying that to be mean, and realize that they probably feel the same way about me, it's just that i do not find thinness to be attractive. When i see skinny jeans clinging to someone's protruding joints i truly gag. I'm not going to toss my cookies, i have strong control in that area (i actually have trouble getting sick, truth be told, i could never be bulimic), i just find it to be sad and gross that they would starve themselves enough to look like that. Maybe they don't have to starve themselves, but i would probably have to be on a diet of broth and nothing but broth for a long time before i would look like that. And that's part of it, that they don't look like they have any muscles. They are not active. I'm not into weightlifters, either, in a way it's the other extreme. But i'd rather look at someone who is extremely thin and muscular than someone who is extremely thin and has no muscles.
I've probably lost most of you now and you're telling yourselves "she is such a snob." I, for my part, feel sorry for these people (empathy, in a way), and irritated that our culture is force feeding us this perception that skinny people are cool and fat people are stupid, lazy, and ugly. What do most people see when they look at me, for instance? They don't see the volleyball and softball player that i was in high school, who felt huge in size 17. They don't see the girl who lifeguarded one summer, eating far too little and hovering between a size 12 and 14. They don't see the girl who kickboxed to Tae Bo six days a week. They don't see the young woman who weight lifted three days a week and couldn't seem to get the hang of cardio on a treadmill, who got back aches every time she took a step aerobics class. They probably see me sitting on a couch stuffing my mouth with chips and ice cream which is almost entirely fictional. I do occasionally indulge in those snacks but i certainly don't eat an entire carton alone.
I knew a girl in high school that played volleyball, softball, and lifeguarded with me. She was tall, and seemed thin, but in retrospect i don't remember thinking she was grossly thin. We knew girls who were too thin, some of which had eating disorders. But this one girl ate a lot, far more than i did. One time we went to a pizza restaurant after a (softball?) game, a greasy spoon that made HUGE pizzas that had to be at least 24" in diameter. She ate more than one alone. And she never gained weight. Even when she got pregnant when she was a junior she was very thin. No one could tell by looking at her waist until she was at least six months pregnant. Her baby at full term weighed little more than half what my mother's babies did born around the same time. I have no idea what this girl looks like now, if she can still eat like there's no tomorrow. But at the time she filled the binge eating stereotype more than i did and was an incredible athlete.
What i'm saying very poorly is that i think it is a huge disservice for anyone to act like people who are overweight cannot be impressive athletes in their own right. This is a disservice to everyone, the assumption that thin=fit and fat=unfit when nothing is so clear cut. I think i will always be a fat girl inside, feeling judged by others, feeling like i'm clawing to get out, feeling like i am strong and beautiful but invisible. This isn't about losing weight (though i won't be upset if that happens) it is about physically overcoming how sedentary i've allowed myself to become (which is not as sedentary as people may think but is too sedentary for my liking). I like to feel strong and overcome obstacles. And i don't think that i'm the only fat person who is a triathlete, it just isn't reality. I am somewhere between fitness nut and couch potato and i'm okay with that, i'm just moving it back towards the fitness side.
I really wish there was a publication or forum where i could find people who have the same struggles i do. Which is the main reason i am considering making a vlog of my experience, not because i want fame, but because i want people to see that i really am fat and i really am a triathlete, the two are not mutually exclusive. That and they say a public diary like this keeps people motivated. I want to be honest, my last time around was far from perfect, there were days i skipped workouts. But in my mind training was like being in a boot camp. I spent two months preparing for one thing, and i completed that task, and that will always be a part of me. Just as those in the military will always be a veteran, i will always be a triathlete. I just hope that there are triathletes out there that aren't as elitest as that one jerk on Twitter was.
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