campaign #1 - Lumos Nox ~ NSU post #25

I feel very passionately about Harry Potter. The way the series and its author has been slandered by Christians seems to me a travesty and i've gotten tired of biting my tongue about it. So i've slowly began expanding Lumos Nox, my Harry Potter fansite. I was on a role for a while: i was even writing some fanfic again (okay, it was only a little, but it is progress). But the passion that was in me for a little while is starting to drain out again. Still, i will persevere; my work on Christian HP commentary/apologia is just beginning.

Today i'm finally posting my newest article the Onion Layer by Layer. I totally forgot that i had written it because i put off posting it: i thought it might be a little too harsh. After watching last night's Wife Swap i think that this article is entirely called for, even sedate. I hope you all enjoy reading it.

Yeah, i know i haven't been writing much again. I just get tired of having nothing to write about but complaints. I feel like such a whiner sometimes: i've said/written/prayed it all a million times (i'm aware of my hyperbole but it really feels that way). I don't think that there's anything wrong with feeling what i feel but i really need to stop being negative and start having hope again. The trouble is i don't know how to. So i stumble through prayers and remain silent here.

Am i really on fire anymore or even an ember? I just don't know. I've tried really hard, but even my sparks haven't caught on and so i'm just spent. I don't know what else to do. I've given up. I can't feel anymore, and that's really scary to me. I'm not even in the holiday spirit yet really and that's just unheard of for me because i love Christmas... It's my favorite holiday. I'm always begging for Christmas music way before Thanksgiving.

I was working really hard on Lumos Nox for a while, actually getting somewhere, and then i suddenly stopped and i don't really know why.

So often it feels as if the entire universe is against me. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being a pessimist. I don't like being so busy and so emptied that i have no art left in me to give. Inspiration and idea smolders for lack of expression. My one solace has been a knitting project (someone's Christmas present): i've been trying to find a Harry Potter fanfic (one of the first i ever read) but despite my best efforts all i've found is junk. Christmas vacation and my six year anniversary looms before me but will i actually get anything done? I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to smolder. I want to be a dark fire. I don't know what to do.

my absence ~ NSU post #24

I didn't mean to take a break from blogging but i guess i ended up doing so. I've been really busy getting ready for finals. I guess i felt that the free time i had should be spent doing something besides ranting. (; Maybe during the Christmas break i'll have time to write more.

It is such a relief to me that Kerry didn't get elected as President of the United States of America. I think that the biggest reason i haven't mentioned the election results is because i got so burnt out on the political stuff. I got tired of the mud slinging and lies and really don't want to bequeath Kerry with much attention now that he lost. I'm recharging for my next campaign on this blog, too.

Below is one of the papers i wrote for my Mass Media class. We had to write a movie critique over Thanksgiving break. It was the first movie i had been to (in the theater) since the Village and Bourne Supremacy and i think it's about time for another review so "there you go" (to quote a spelling guru who was in a computer game my sis and i used to play). I have meant to review more films but as i said, i always feel pressed for time and as such forget it for more "important" things (that are very pressing in RL). Hopefully i'll do better next year.

Btw, Alias is returning with a two-hour event in January but will now be on Wednesdays. I am so relieved that Charlie (Dominic Monaghan) didn't die last night on Lost. I'm looking forward to the repeat of the pilot next Wednesday as i didn't see it due to VCR misprogramming (it was brand new and i hadn't read the manual! How was i to know that i had to push the T-Set button?).

Guess that's about it for now. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (just in case i don't have a chance to say it later)!

Something i am happy about is my sister's pregnancy... I expected to be envious or sad but i'm not very (though i won't lie and say not at all). But i am happy for her. To read more about her and baby click here.

National Treasure * * * * ~ NSU post #23

Benjamin Gates (Nicholas Cage) is the youngest in a long line that have been searching for a treasure hidden by America’s founding fathers. Gates has finally found someone who not only believes in his quest but will financially back him, but the nefarious villain Ian Howe (Sean Bean) ultimately betrays him because he wants the treasure for himself. Gates races through Washington DC, Philadelphia, and New York City to protect the Declaration of Independence and the treasure before Howe steals it all for himself. Along the way Gates is helped by his geeky sidekick (Justin Bartha), reclaims his father’s respect (Jon Voigt), and gets the girl (Diane Kruger).

The film starts out with Gates grandad (Christopher Plummer) eagerly sharing the story of how the treasure was hidden. When Ben’s father (Voigt) finds out that his son has been told about “the family curse” he isn’t too pleased. In the present day Gates and company trek across a snowy landscape and find the Charlotte, the ship that was the subject of the first clue about the whereabouts of the treasure. Howe hasn’t shown his true colors yet, but one can easily discern that he has ulterior motives. Gates finds that a map is on the back of the Declaration; Howe suggests that they steal the document. When Gates refuses he locks Gates and his sidekick Poole (Bartha) inside and sets fire to the ship.

Gates finds another route out before the ship explodes. He and Poole travel to DC and try to warn the FBI, NSA, and National Archives that the Declaration is about to be stolen. No one believes them, though Gates does get along well with Dr. Abigail Chase (Kruger) who’s in charge of keeping the Declaration safe. Gates decides to steal the Declaration before Howe can at a Benefit Banquet.

The robbery is pretty typical of an action movie: Gates steals Chase’s fingerprints, she catches on that he’s not supposed to be there, Gates barely beats Howe’s team to the document. Gates ducks into the gift shop so Chase won’t see him and buys a poster of the Declaration. He almost escapes by giving Chase the poster (she thinks it’s the real thing) when Howe kidnaps her. Gates is noble enough to go after Chase but can’t let her go afterwards. He shows her that he has the real Declaration and Howe has a fake.

Gates goes to see his Dad for the next clue. Dad isn’t too thrilled to see Gates at his door: he’s convinced that the treasure isn’t real. He’s also given away the letters that Gates needs. They go to Philadelphia for the letters. Shortly later the FBI questions Gates’ father and discovers that they had been there.

In Philadelphia Poole finds the clue. Gates goes to Independence Hall and finds what they need to see the map: a pair of special spectacles designed by Benjamin Franklin. But the FBI has caught up with them: they arrest Gates with the glasses. Chase and Poole have the map and call Howe for help. Howe calls Gates and demands that the FBI give him up with the glasses or he won’t give the Declaration back. They travel to NYC where Howe helps Gates escape from custody.

Chase was confident that Howe would release Gates if they let him look at the map. Unfortunately Howe is a step ahead of them: he’s kidnapped Gates’ father. Under duress Gates finds a passageway to a chamber but it’s a dead end. His father tells Howe that a lantern there is a clue that the treasure is actually hidden in Boston. Howe abandons them and takes the only route out. Our heroes quickly find the treasure and another escape route. They make a deal with the FBI agent (Harvey Keitel) who’s intent on recovering the Declaration and Howe is caught in Boston.

Overall I was impressed with this film. It was predictably corny (it is a Bruckheimer) and refreshingly clean with a rating of PG. The special effects and stunts were good (no noticeably bad CGI) and the plot never dragged. I didn’t feel that the ending quite did an actor of Bean’s talent justice, but everything was suitably wrapped up in the end. I have already recommended the movie to other people.

essay 2 is finally up ~ NSU post #22

This essay was more difficult for me to write. I was trying to talk about Nature as a place of belonging and the few places i feel like i belong: my grandparents' home near Yuma was one and the desert is another in a way. I don't really like the way this essay came out.

I have yet to hear what grade i got on my fourth essay. As i got A's on my first three i'd be very surprised not to get an A for the essay and the class. Still, i may have irritated my teacher even more.

The class seems so far away now. I've recently been deciding what to take next semester. I plan to take the next English class and am having trouble deciding which teacher to take it from: the one that was recommended to me is going to want me to read lots of Hemmingway which i'm not sure i'd enjoy. It's also an extra book. I'm sure i'll figure it out soon but i still won't be able to register until December 11th.

After that i need to start thinking about applying for other colleges. Do i still want to go to Biola? It's a bit overwhelming as i still haven't found a job. I'm not sure what i want to do anymore. Lately all i've wanted to do is write and i haven't had the time.

Lumos Nox blog ends ~ NSU post #21

Just the blog... It just didn't seem to have much purpose anymore: it was really only a quick way to find fulfillment supporting the series and never really what i wanted in the first place. All of its content was regurgitated from other sites such as J.K.Rowling.com, The Leaky Cauldron, and MuggleNet. I'd much rather be focusing on the real Lumos Nox right now.

Over the past few weeks in particular i've felt very strongly that someone (me?) needs to stand up and start fighting for Rowling. So many Christians are ignorant about and against the content of the Harry Potter series and it drives me insane. Apathy is something that i'm going to have to write about in more detail here soon: meanwhile i'm working on Lumos Nox whenever i get the chance but Freeservers won't let me update my page right now! But i'm definitely not shutting up about Harry Potter; in fact, i fully intend to be more vocal about it in the future. I may even start a separate site!

So let's just call it (the title of this blog) a mood indicator as is a common feature of so many LiveJournals. I really don't feel like detailing what it is that's made me feel down again. It's very hard for me to try hard (pursue God) when everything in life seems to be conspiring to keep me down. I'm trying to be positive but am failing i think. As usual it seems easiest to just ignore it and act like nothing's wrong. I'm exhausted.

i voted early! ~ NSU post #20

Guess who i voted for?

The Real Apocalypse (due October 20th, 2004) ~ NSU post #19

    We are the first generation to see our planet from space--to see so clearly its beauty, limits and fragility. Modern communication technology helps us to see more clearly than ever the impact of carelessness, ignorance, greed, neglect, and war on the earth. (U.S. Bishops, 500)

    "We project onto others what we fear within ourselves" (Kaufman, 422). It's true that we can see the impact of our actions upon the environment more clearly today than ever before but that doesn't mean that keeping nature in focus supports a "fallacious idea" (Carson, 479). Samuelson puts it best when he writes:

    Whoever coined the phrase "save the planet" is a public-relations genius. It conveys the sense of impending catastrophe and high purpose that has wrapped environmentalism in an aura of moral urgency. It also typifies environmental's rhetorical excess, which, in any other context, would be seen as wild exaggeration or simple dishonesty. (462)

    I still view it as wild exaggeration and dishonesty: "environmentalism increasingly resembles a holy crusade addicted to hype and ignorant of history. Every environmental ill is depicted as an onrushing calamity that-–if not stopped–-will end life as we know it" (462). Modern society and the trend of current scientific opinion are obsessed with protecting an “endangered” environment; historians and philosophers assume that no one has cared for the status or our natural home in the few millenia we have lived on this planet (though they, of course, would probably claim the “few billions of years” the Earth has existed and the “few million” mankind has lived). All the experts act as if an environmental apocalypse has come: "we were going to perish of all this, if not now, then soon, if not soon, then someday" (Williams, 452).

    I simply do not concur with this irrational fear. "This is not to say that what we call wilderness today does not need careful safeguarding" (Owens, 449), but we must keep it in perspective. I have yet to read a single scientific finding that proves that the world is coming to an end because of what man has done to nature nor when it will happen. God’s creation is just too vast and inexplicable to accurately predict such an event’s occurrence. I believe as Limbaugh does that "the earth is a remarkable creation and is capable of great rejuvenation. We can't destroy it. It can fix itself" (442). But even scientists can’t agree on this subject: from the point of view of many earth scientists man is merely a speck in the flow of time, insignificant in the "millions and millions of years" that earth has been. They say that no matter what we do to the planet, life will go on. Though I don't agree that Earth is as old as they claim I do believe that men of an industrial society are not the first to care for the planet or to harm it. It is true that we forgot this responsibility just as surely as men have puposefully forgotten to worship God. Carson argues:

    In the western world our thinking has for many centuries been dominated by the Jewish-Christian concept of man's relation to nature, in which man is regarded as the master of all the earth's inhabitants. Out of this there easily grew the thought that everything on earth--animate or inanimate, animal, vegetable, or mineral--and indeed the earth itself--had been created expressly for man. (479)

    I disagree with Carson's assessment that such a philosophy is wrong. God created the world for man and charged him with caring for it. This factual arrangement is not changed by her looking down upon it. Adam was the first environmentalist, farmer, and man to use nature, to work it, to protect it. This is a God-given right and duty whether men over the next few millenia understood it or not.

    Carson claims that we were once "primitive men" that "lurked in caves" and assigns paralyzing fear to these assumed forefathers (478). But she cannot know what life was like in this fictional beginning: she was not there, she did not interview these supposed cave men. Carson instead rejects the historical document that we do possess that accurately tells us what life was like in the beginning and preaches against a supposed "naive view" where: "A numerous class of men are painfully astonished whenever they find anything, living or dead, in all God's universe, which they cannot eat or render in some way what they call useful to themselves" (Muir, 479) and once again assigns fictional and incredibly absurd villainous ideals upon men.

    Over the past weeks I have become increasingly irritated and bored by the content of what I was forced to read for this class. I was asked to form an analytical opinion while keeping faith out of it, but I know that one cannot state a belief or conviction without faith and reason. As the U.S. Bishops point out, "Faith is not a substitute for facts; the more we know about the problems we face, the better we can respond" (501). All that I know and believe and write flows from God; He is the One who shapes my perception of the world and gives my thoughts voice. This is not wrong, this is not an excuse, this is how it is meant to be. I am nothing without Him.

    The myriad of essays I have read blatantly declared their opinions on faith and the world, from Thoreau all the way through the U.S. Bishops: I cannot read their words without being offended and appalled or inspired to extrapolate upon theories which are only partially complete. As Awiatka wrote of women:

    Nuclear energy is the nurturing energy of the universe. Except for the stellar explosions, this energy works not by fission (splitting) but by fusion–attraction and melding. With the relational process, the atom creates and transforms life. Women are part of this life force. One of our natural and chosen purposes is to create and sustain life–biological, mental, and spiritual. (485)

    I cannot write a response to these essays without being free to exercise the same rights they did: the freedoms of speech and religion. But to respond to each belief and concept their works contain would take me all eternity. I have been thus been overwhelmed and had to pick my battles. Still, some might find it surprising that my beliefs have scarcely changed at all despite all that I’ve read.

    The federal government should not enact environmental legislation. As much as we all want clean air and water this is a waste of their resources and an abuse of power: if such regulations are passed it should be at the state level. The current level of mindless fear that is prevalent is unfortunate and a waste of time: we must educate and enable the citizens of the world to protect the environment rather than force them to follow certain rules. America is built on freedom: the government's job is not to tell us not to hurt ourselves but to punish those who hurt others.

    I am not worried about the world being permanently destroyed. As men cut down trees they also plant more in their place. The world can and may survive for hundreds of years to come, if not millenia. As Limbaugh writes: "We shouldn't go out of our way to do damage, but neither should we buy into the hysteria and monomania which preaches, in essence, that we don't belong here. We have a right to use the earth and make our lives better" (442). We will continue to better our lives as well as the lives of others who are not as blessed as us. Still, this issue is bigger than just nature itself:

    As individuals, as institutions, as a people we need a change of heart to save the planet for our children and generations yet unborn . . . nothing but a wholehearted and ever more profound turning to God the maker of heaven and earth will allow us to carry out our responsibilities as faithful stewards of God's creation. (502)

    I agree with the bishops, but still argue apocalyptic fear based on the state of the environment is misplaced. There is one thing that is blatantly clear to me as I have read these essays and that is that many of these writers have replaced God with Nature. Their fear of sinful and fallible man is, of course, understandable, but all men are so cursed. Being paralyzed with fear of these facts is pointless: one cannot lock themselves in a bomb shelter and avoid living because of a little healthy fear and one cannot stop the future from coming. There will continue to be wars, famines, and natural disasters until the end of time.

    It is a waste of time and resources to try to change the minds of the instigators of these events: their hearts must be changed and only God can do this. Instead of dwelling on the fear it would be better for each of us to turn to God, for He is the only one who provides a way of escape. Long after this world is gone we will still exist somewhere: the question is, in which place? Will one accept the free gift that Jesus gave or will one reject God’s love and listen to the wisdom of the world and the desires or their corrupted heart instead? Each man and woman must choose for themselves and continue to search for truth and knowledge. Only when we turn to God can nature truly be saved.

Works Cited
Anderson, Lorraine, Scott Slovic, and John P. O'Grady, eds. Literature and the Environment: a Reader on Nature and Culture. New York: Longman, 1999.
Awiakta, Marilou. “Baring the Atom’s Mother Heart.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 482-486.
Carson, Rachel. "Of Man and the Stream of Time." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 478-481.
Kaufman, Wallace. "Confessions of a Developer." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 414-422.
Limbaugh III, Rush. "The Environmental Mindset." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 440-442.
Owens, Louis. "The American Indian Wilderness." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 448-449.
Samuelson, Robert J. "The End is Not at Hand." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 462-464.
U.S. Bishops. "Renewing the Earth.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 499-503.
Williams, C. K. "Tar." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 451-452.

Economics vs. Environmentalism (October 6th, 2004) ~ NSU post #18

    “There is no risk free development. Development is the process of taking risks– financial, environmental, social, and personal.” (Kaufman, 416). Over the past few weeks I have studied the history of America, read the opinions of several of this country’s authors, and began to reshape and even reform some of my understanding about economics, environmentalism, work, and how they are related.

    In U.S. History I have learned about how the colonists saw this land as they began to settle it. It seemed natural to the colonists to take over the land: “That which lies common, and has never been replenished or subdued, is free to any that possess and improve it” (Winthrop, Objection I, Answer 1). The British thought the land should be taken away from the Indians because they had left it alone and not worked it. In a time when religious beliefs meant everything to society Winthrop states that “The whole earth is the Lord’s garden, and He hath given it to mankind with a general commission (Gen. 1:28) to increase and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it” (Winthrop, pt. 4). Owens acknowledges when he relates:

    Gradually, almost painfully, I began to understand that what I called ‘wilderness’ was an absurdity, nothing more than a figment of the European imagination. Before the European invasion, there was no wilderness in North America; there was only the fertile continent where people lived in a hard-learned balance with the natural world. (449)

    The Puritans came to America seeking religious freedom (for themselves, not for anyone else) and displayed the strong work ethic that this country was built on. In the south the colonies were driven to make profits from cash crops such as Indigo, Sugar, and Tobacco. Most of the original southern colonists were of the lower class and wanted to raise their station in life. For over a hundred years they came to the south because they were promised land after serving a certain amount of time; it wasn’t until later that slave labor became prevalent. Here is where America was built: on the land that kept the middle-class colonists alive. It is little wonder that a hundred years later the colonists overthrew royal governors who tried to make them pay for land they already owned, rioted because there wasn’t enough land and Parliament wouldn’t allow the colonies to expand west of the Appalachians, and went to war with England over their infringement upon what they considered to be God-given rights (McCorkle).

    I therefore resent it when Americans insinuate that land ownership is unimportant. Stegner claims that the wilderness has:

    ...helped form our character and that has certainly shaped our history as a people. It has no more to do with recreation than churches have to do with recreation, or than the strenuousness and optimism and expansiveness of what historians call the “American Dream” have to do with recreation. (443).

    How can he have so missed the point? Our forefathers viewed the wilderness as something to be tamed. They attended church as a form of enlightenment as well as for recreation (for the Puritans it was often their only form of recreation other than the “bee”s at which they worked together sometimes). Owning land was integral to success and fulfilling the American Dream; this is still the case today. It is quite natural for this love of the land has only led to the intense desire that many have to protect the earth. I, too, want to protect the land, but not if Human life suffers as a result

    Limbaugh puts it best when he comments: “It is quite natural to want a clean planet, with clean water and air for ourselves and our children. It is quite commendable to not want to destroy that which enables us to live” (441) and argues against the belief that: “Everything that happens in their deified nature is somehow acceptable” (442). Try as I might, I cannot understand how we can have global warming and an ice age at the same time. I don’t agree with the belief that “God is the earth and that God is nothing more than the earth” (440) nor understand the agony Merwin describes with: “One really wants, hopelessly, to save the world, and one tries to say everything that can be said for the things one loves” (432) because he seems to care more about nature than the ones who are full of life around him yet admits “the trees have risen one more time” (434).

    I do understand why people are worried about pollution: I don’t like seeing and smelling large clouds of exhaust coming from the muffler of an old clunker any more than the next man. I do not think there is anything wrong with trying to protect animals, but closing down a construction project and losing thousands of dollars because one worker thought he might have seen one endangered ant is ludicrous. Claiming that an owl can only live in one area is also stupid and was discovered to be false.

    It is true that trees take decades to regrow after they’ve been cut down or burnt to the ground, but there are more trees in America now than there were in colonial times But trees are not gods to be worshiped, either: each year trees put out more greenhouse gasses and pollute more than all the vehicles in the world, and if a volcano erupts there is way more pollution in the air for several years (if not decades). Our government refuses to consider better alternatives to trees–such as hemp–that could be used to make paper and other materials for obvious reasons.

    As much as I hate to hear that the rainforests are being burnt down I hate even more than farmers are doing this so they can grow the food they need for their families to survive. In my mind man is more important than any tree no matter where it is growing. Scientists are now discovering that forest fires are natural and necessary for the health of a forest. I do not agree with Russell when she says that she will not place the needs of ranchers, her husband, or her children “above the land itself” (437). How can you put the welfare of an inanimate object above the welfare of your loved one or above the welfare of Human beings as a race? Environmentalists all seem to have certain sentimentality that–as much as I love the earth–I seem to have missed out on. Bingham laments that a deer will suffer after her death because the piece of wilderness she owns–and it lives on–will be exploited by her children (425), Piercy the fact that foxes had to find a new den (404). Do these environmentalists (who are almost certainly evolutionists) not believe in survival of the fittest? Stegner claims that we are just animals, that we have domesticated ourselves: why in the world does he have a problem with us using the planet we “evolved” on? Are we not the fittest?

    But I don’t believe any of these ludicrous sentiments. I realize that without God there is no morality: the universe screams that it has been created, and all life is precious (Korow). God made us to be creative people, to subdue the land. I don’t fully agree with Wordsworth when he says: “Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers“ (356) because we must get and spend somehow in order to survive.

    Traven wrote: “If I were to make them in great numbers there would no longer be my soul in each, or my songs. Each would look like the other with no difference whatever and such a thing would slowly eat up my heart” (365) and I do think that we have lost something since corporations started making cheap junk that breaks in a few years and forming monopolies, but I don’t believe we can turn back time to get it back. I knit, but I’m not sure I want to start keeping sheep to make my own wool. No, I agree with Kaufman:

    I propose that if we understand and accept the development urge, we will come closer to solving our land-use problems. We should no more repress the development part of our psyche because some developers pillage nature than we should repress our sexuality because some men and women are pornographers and prostitutes. (416)

    “Our work is more than a pastime. It is our life. It takes up years of the portion we have been allotted on this Earth to work out our salvation” (368), there needs to be an in between area, a place with room for what Roszak was talking about:

    All of us have a gift, a calling of our own whose exercise is high delight, even if we must sweat and suffer to meet its demands. That calling reaches out to find a real and useful place in the world, a task that is not waste or pretense. If only that life-giving impulse might be liberated and made the whole energy of our daily work, if only we were given the chance to be in our work with the full force of our personality, mind and body, heart and soul... what power would be released into the world! (368)

    It’s true that “they–the company, the system–rarely have any use for that calling” (368). I’ve worked several jobs, been unhappy in most. I still struggle just like the next person to find meaningful work that pays well enough for me to support and better myself–the American Dream. I just can’t believe that succeeding economically and growing as a society is bad. I don’t own land yet, but I hope to one day. I don’t have any desire to work in a convention job and make lots of money and go in debt trying to keep up with my neighbors but I know I must support myself somehow. Limbaugh argues:

    We are 4 percent of the world’s population here in America and we use 25 percent of the world’s resources. How dare we be so selfish. Never mind the fact that our country feeds the world. Never mind the fact that our technology has improved life everywhere on the planet. (441)

    I just don’t think there are any easy answers to any of these issues, nor do I think the environment should come before our growth as a race and a society. I believe that my “desire to change nature” (441) is a gift from God and that–despite our sinful nature–men can be trusted with the future of this planet else God wouldn’t have given it to us. I think God knew what He was doing.

    My friends, the earth is a remarkable creation and is capable of great rejuvenation. We can’t destroy it. It can fix itself. We shouldn’t go out of our way to do damage, but neither should we buy into the hysteria and monomania which preaches, in essence, that we don’t belong here. We have a right to use the earth and make our lives better. (442)

Works Cited
Anderson, Lorraine, Scott Slovic, and John P. O’Grady. Literature and the Environment: a Reader on Nature and Culture, eds. New York: Longman, 1999.
Bingham, Sallie. “A Woman’s Land.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 425-427.
Kaufman, Wallace. “Confessions of a Developer.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 414-422.
Korow, Dr. Dan. “John 3:16 vs Evolution.” Creation Celebration, Grand Junction. 24 Sept. 2004.
Limbaugh III, Rush. “The Environmental Mindset.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 440-442.
McCorkle, Anne. “Rising Conflict - The Eve of the Revolution.” History 131, Grand Junction. 5 Aug. 2004.
Piercy, Marge. “Sand Roads: The Development.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 403-404.
Roszak, Theodore. “Take This Job and Shove It.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 367-371.
Russell, Sharman Apt. “The Physics of Beauty.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 435-439.
Stegner, Wallace. “Wilderness Letter.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 443-447.
Traven, B. “Assembly Line.” Anderson, Slovic, and O’Grady, 357-365.
Winthrop, John. “Reasons for the Plantation in New England.” 1628. The Winthrop Society. 1996-2003. American History and Genealogy Project. 31 August, 2004
Wordsworth, William. “The World Is Too Much with Us.” Anderson, Slovic, O’Grady, 356.

Yearning for the Future (September 22nd, 2004) ~ NSU post #17

    Benjamin Alire Sáenz once wrote:

    They were aliens, from somewhere else, somewhere foreign, and it did not matter that the “somewhere else” was as close as an eyelash to an eye. What mattered was that someone had once drawn a line, and once drawn, that line became indelible and hard and could not be crossed (312).

    Though my ethnic origins are not a strong part of my identity I do identify with Sáenz. I was born and raised in Yuma, Arizona, until the age of three when my family moved to San Diego, California, where my first memories were formed. My father worked in the Border Patrol, so I understand and appreciate both sides of his issues, but though I grew up with Mexican-Americans I am not one of them and never will be. I’ve never really had a place to belong.

    As soon as I began attending preschool I understood the concept of being unpopular and different; I wore both glasses and an eyepatch and was immediately ignored and disliked by my fellow classmates. I was very young but I remember so many things... eating ice cream on grass, running down a hill I shouldn’t have been playing on, learning to swing with a rainbow pinwheel, standing in the shade of trees that had red berries, eating Twinkies out of my lunchbox, and playing on the “fire truck” with the one playmate I was blessed to have. He was as despised as I was but for a different reason: he had a growth disorder. We promised to marry each other when we grew up. I lost him when we moved back to Arizona sometime after I turned five.

    In Ajo (the small town I now called home) I quickly became an outcast with my new classmates. I was in kindergarten now and already knew how to read. My teacher would get angry when I started an activity before she had finished explaining the directions... What other reason were they written in the easy to understand words that comprise a five-year-old’s reading vocabulary if not so I could do it for myself? She hated it when I asked questions, would often make me stand by the drinking fountain during recess, would never give me an ice cream bar when everyone else got one. She insisted that I would never be able to learn how to read and wanted to flunk me. I suppose that the other children were afraid to befriend someone the teacher despised so much and by the time they got to know me better my fate was already sealed as someone who was different. I took music in third grade and band in fifth but it was always the same with them: I was always an outsider.

    It was from a young age I understood the longing to belong: “Clumsy in body and mind, I knew no place I could go to and feel certain I ought to be there” (Polsgrove, 224). “I was taught as a young girl not to ‘make waves’ or ‘rock the boat” (Williams, 349). My mother began homeschooling me in first grade, and I tried so hard to please her. What friends I had eventually stabbed me in the back. I longed so very much to grow up, to be in the church youth group because they did so many fun things but by the time I was old enough there was no one else in the youth group anymore besides me.

    When my father insisted I attend public high school and here I found new ways to be out of place. My first day of school seniors were asking me for help and so I quickly became the brain who no one talks to unless they need help, the know-it-all that everyone despises yet uses. In volleyball–-my favorite sport–-I tried so hard (my eyesight was still a liability) but my coaches despised me and would not let me play in the games unless it was absolutely necessary. Though I had been a well adjusted child before junior high I slowly descended into a spiral of monotony and self-doubt. “The price of obedience” had “become too high” (350). I always had joy despite all of the hard things in my life, but I knew that I was losing the battle. I had always yielded to my parents’ wishes, even when one teacher advised me to quit high school and go straight to college. “Threatening and puffing up your chest is a waste of time. Nobody ever proved a thing in a pushing match, and nobody ever held onto nothing by talking about it” (O’Brien, 334), but I knew I had to do something. I was at my breaking point. “Something was burning, the side of me that knew I was treated different” (315).

    There was always “the place I always like to think about” (Kingsolver, 200), but it wasn’t until I lost my “place” of escape that I realized I had one. My grandparents owned a home just outside Yuma in California. It was here that I learned to sew, bake cookies, and wash dishes. I remember curling up behind my grandfather’s easy chair to listen to the TV or read a book. I played with the same Barbies, Lincoln Logs, Spirograph, and Tinkertoys that had belonged to my mother and her siblings. I ran through sprinklers, made mud pies, hang from the same bar my mother had, and built a fort not far from where my aunt and uncle had (though I didn’t use it for smoking as they did). It was here that I fell in love with the local Mexican food, Chinese food that the whole family shares, 4-H BBQ, and have my first memories of Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Each year we would attend the midnight Candlelight Service at the church my father grew up in before returning to my grandparent’s home and sleeping a couple of hours before we woke the whole house so we could open our presents.

    My senior year of high school I dropped out. I tried to take correspondence courses but the workload was too heavy. My father, who had come to Ajo because the work was less dangerous than in a big city, now decided to put in for a transfer. Ajo had become part of the busiest sector in the United States. We all moved to Grand Junction, Colorado, and before long we moved my grandparents, too. Their health is failing, so I understand, but their new house has none of the old touches of home.

    I understand and long for “the elemental world of water and light and earth and air” (224) because I grew up in the desert. I didn’t always love it; it grew on me over the years, slowly took root in my heart. First it was the rocks that are a veritable rainbow of hues, then the emptiness that’s so big you wonder if it could ever be filled. No one could ever believe that the desert could support life, let alone give it. The arroyo deceptively lies alone in wait, bone dry, but thunder announces this gift, lightning highlights it, and one suddenly understands the name “wash” when the desert suddenly rushes overflowing with the water that is the blood that gives life to the seemingly barren. The cacti grows so green after the winter rains, wildflowers burst into life, and the sun shines so clear: it is everyone’s greatest enemy but what all life stems from. You even learn to appreciate the heat after spending hours in artificial cold. Yes, the desert is harsh but it is also life unexpected. The sun is a miracle each morning, a promise each night as is disappears and the sky slowly unfolds to reveal countless jewels against black velvet. The stars always seem so far away and yet so close.

    I can’t return to what I had, so I still search for a new source of belonging, a place to put down new roots, but I never find it. The church I grew up in has succumbed to the politics that my family and I forever struggled to hold at bay. My friends (such as they were) have all moved on. Since I moved to Colorado I have migrated to Virginia, North Carolina, and back again but still feel lost and alone, much as Roque Dalton must have felt when he wrote: “Do you know what exile is? / I’ll tell you, / exile / is a long avenue / where only sadness walks” (310). I struggle to define my adult self, am just as uncomfortable with “the headlong pilgrimage after money and comfort and prestige” as Berry is (224). Yet I also long for the future that I’ve always believed in and waited for, one where technology helps, not harms, all of life’s ills are healed, and dreams come true. I’ve began to wonder if I am only a hopeless dreamer, if all the things my mother taught me to believe in aren’t real. I’ve found that “I must question everything, even if it means losing my faith” (350), but my faith remains. I feel like a fool, but I cling to it like sunlight clings to clouds.

    I have always longed to change the world for better. “Life isn’t fair,” someone once said; I say “Why not?” I see so much that’s just beyond my grasp. I long to touch it, hold it, but I never can. I feel as if I’m caged and bound, words that long to come forth and spring to live on the page remain hidden. “I was writing. It would come to nothing; I knew it would come to nothing” (312). One word always resounds in my soul and spirit, emanating from the depths of my heart... Why?

    I feel so deeply, should I not? I feel so completely, should I be fractured instead? I dream so recklessly; should I be more grounded and practical? How could I be myself when all these things are my essence? I cannot take drugs and pretend that everything is suddenly better but no more can I cease to be overwhelmed by what I feel and know with every fiber of my being. Should I change any of this I would lose my very identity. Even if I could take the pain away I wouldn’t. Even if I suddenly had good luck I would resist it. Good things aren’t always the right things and bad things aren’t always the wrong ones. Giving in instead of being true to myself might make me rich but I would be so much poorer than I am now. “You can’t forbid us everything / You can’t forbid us to think– / You can’t forbid our tears to flow / And you can’t stop the songs that we sing” (351).

    Should I come back to “reality” (whatever that is)? Should I continue to hold on to me? Should I let go of that which gives me hope (for hope also brings me my greatest sorrow)? Hope is lost, hope is clung to. “I see a number of things that make me seriously afraid” (226) but I don’t think I know how to let go.

    I think I already know the truth. I have left the desert but I cannot get it to leave me. It now flows in my veins and calls to me, an addiction greater than many that I have outlived and conquered. But like all addictions it will always be a part of me; the call of the desert will always echo in me. Still, I have one that is greater: it is my greatest sorrow yet my greatest strength. Though this addiction make me a fool I will still follow it. I have to.

Works Cited
Anderson, Lorraine, Scott Slovic, and John P. O'Grady. Literature and the Environment: a Reader on Nature and Culture, eds. New York: Longman, 1999.
O’Brien, Dan. "Eminent Domain: A Love Story.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 333-338.
Polsgrove, Carol. "On a Scrap of Land in Henry County.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 224-229.
Sáenz, Benjamin Alire. "Exile. El Paso, Texas.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 310-316.
Williams, Terry Tempest. "The Clan of One-Breasted Women.” Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 347-352.

English Composition essays ~ NSU post #16

These are long (4-6 pages each, plus works cited) but i thought it would be neat to post them here. If you aren't interested, just ignore them. Btw, I've gotten an A and two A-s so far: i'll turn in my fourth and final essay tomorrow and then it's good riddance! Won't have to take english again until next semester. Whew!

Sorry to change the title on you again so soon, but things have been looking up, and i just felt like flicker was a little too... easy to blow out. Things in my spiritual life have been looking up. I've started reading my Bible daily again and it's really helped. I think i've also finally gotten over feeling sorry for myself.

I don't want anyone to mix up the title of this blog with my flicker area at my Harry Potter page. See, in regards to HP i feel like there's already a light that won't go out despite the fact that there's a stiff wind blowing, trying to get it to go out. It's also a play off of swish and flick of course. But here: i think my heart may be starting to spark again. I still have a long way to go before my heart will be back together again, but i'm not going to go out: eventually i'm going to start to glow. Right now i'll call this page spark though.

Christian Freaks ~ NSU post #15

I used to be the creator and moderator of a Yahoo group named Christian Freaks. I originally started it because i wanted to cling to my fandom of Dark Angel and build a support group with other Christians of like faith. The group never took off. I often found myself talking to myself.

I would still like to be the member of a message group or message board where i can be challenged in my faith as well as encouraged. I haven't been able to find a group where i click and where i seem to be on the same page as the other Christians. For instance the group must be pro-Harry Potter and that seems to be a high order for most Christian groups. If there is anyone who knows of such a group that i could join or would be interested in joining such a group (if i started one again) please e-mail me at luinel_anduril@yahoo.com.

Symptoms # 3, 4, 5 ~ NSU post #14

I have been working on this post for over a month now. I've delayed writing about symptom #3 in particular because a) i've been incredibly busy with college and b) i am of two minds on this subject. This is the first time i've found it difficult to reconcile my faith and my patriotism because the symptom that i am about to write about first has become prevalent in this country (particularly in my lifetime) and while it goes against my faith i'm not entirely sure it goes against my politics. Strangely enough this issue is being largely ignored in the current election (probably because it is so controversial). I cannot fully communicate how very strongly i feel that if all of the issues that i am writing about here; if they are not dealt with very soon then this could well be the death of this country if not its inhabitants.

Symptom #3 = Homosexuality

There is no question in my mind that homosexuality is wrong: this is evident in the Bible in such verses as Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, and Leviticus 18:22. Not only is homosexuality morally wrong but it is also psychologically damaging (i have read of studies and accounts of former homosexuals that confirm this). Over the past year i have had to ask myself: am i for the Federal Marriage Amendment? At first i said yes, then no, and now i don't really know what to say.

This country is based on freedom, and though that freedom was designed and meant to be for the Christian faith it was also freedom to have any faith (whether one be buddhist, jew, muslim, new age, pagan, wiccan, atheist, or agnostic, just to name a few). We all know how Prohibition went; it failed miserably (telling any American they can't do something is like sounding the starting gun). As much as i'd love for America to truly become a Christian nation i am against any persecution of religious, political, or scientific beliefs as well as any moderation or censorship of free speech. If someone else's freedoms have been taken away then mine can be taken away just as easily.

What then shall we do? Sure, i would like gay marriage to be made illegal, but i knew that with the current state of our legistlative and judicial system that it would not happen. Even if Congress had passed the Federal Marriage Amendment, judges would probably not have upheld their legislative decision. At the current moment our judicial system is bankrupt morally but it cannot be changed for the better because the Democrats in Congress will not allow any of President Bush's nominees to fill the empty positions that are currently a void in the fabric of our government.

And again, should such a law be passed? Though the FMA is morally right i believe that it may be unconstitutional and that it would surely alienate more of this nations inhabitants than Christians already have and do. Homosexuality would go the way of prohibition and become yet more prevalent, not the other way around.

Which leaves us with a dangerous choice... What can we do that will not destroy our nation? For even if this issue does not tear We the People apart i know that if our inhabitants continue to live in this sin we will surely be destroyed (as Sodom and Gomorrah were in Genesis 18:16-19:29). The time of Christ's return draws near, i can feel this in my very being. I have known for as long as i can remember that He will return within my lifetime (i have no fear of death) and that time is running out. Biblical prophecy tells me that the United States will be destroyed in a (Super)natural disaster and its inhabitants will either perish or there will be another Great Awakening thus allowing the majority of Americans to be saved/born again and rise to meet Him in the air (Revelation 8:6-13 and 1 Thessalonians 4:17). And so i have come to the conclusion that like with so many other issues the government cannot regulate this epidemic by political means: only the Truth, the Way, and the Life can save them and thus change their thinking and hearts.

Who then will go and tell them? And if/when one goes will their hearts not be hardened? (Isaiah 6) I cry out "Here am i, Lord, send me!" but who will listen to me? How then will i go and to where? I feel as if i am in a cage with my hands tied. Does even one read what i am reading here and care? Does anything i say or do make a difference?

Symptom #4 = the Children (Education and their Future)

Several weekends ago i attended an AWANA Leadership Training Conference. Most of the day was spent detailing that which i already know: that today's children do not know the Truth and that the Church as a whole is ignoring a great need. A child's moral foundation is set by the time they are thirteen; if they do not become Christians before that time they are unlikely to ever be saved (though it is not impossible). Sadly many children do not know that the Bible is true, nor do they know its content (even if they have attended Sunday School, the Bible stories are often watered down or changed to be less offensive or "more understandable"). A few years ago one of the youth leaders in my church got in trouble for teaching a lesson against homosexuality... Why is this?

At my church the Christian school is more important than AWANA, Sunday school is more important than AWANA, the youth group is more important than AWANA, the adult bible studies are more important than AWANA. The church as a whole is deemed more important than the children, yet the children our are future and AWANA may be the one thing that equips these children to live their lives for God in a sinful world because it doesn't water down the message: it makes sure they understand it. The first verses a clubber memorizes present the plan of salvation and a child usually hears the same message outlined in Council Time by the time they've attended the club twice (if not the first time).

Since our club started up again for the year it has been attacked on every side from within the church itself. Satan knows that the church is greatly set behind if the Way, the Truth, and the Life is kept from the ears and hearts of this nation's children, of any nation's children. For instance in Cuba missionaries are allowed to come into the country for a short time to bring in relief and medicines, etc., even witness, but they are not allowed to bring in any children's Bible study material because TPTB know that it is the children who are the most likely to be converted.

Satan is attacking our children before our very eyes...

Today's education system is in shambles. There are multiple studies that prove that homeschooling is the most effective form of educating a child (followed by charter schools and Christian schools). I know firsthand how ineffective the public school system is and the problems are only getting worse. There are second graders who still don't know how to read (i've met some) and i've heard of high schoolers graduating illiterate. Classes are too large and are geared towards the slow students. The system tries to dump information into a child's head just long enough for them to pass their tests instead of actually teaching anything that's important.

I know there are good teachers out there who care about their students (i've had a few) but the simple truth is that the system does not work. It cannot be fixed. The only reason it worked so well for so long was because God was in it and as we all know that prayer and the Bible were taken out of schools over forty years ago. More than this, children's shows, cartoons, and games, are now filled with violent imagery. Not all of them know that the things they do in play are not acceptable in real life because, again, no one is teaching them the truth. Just like with the issue of homosexuality i do not believe this symptom can be treated by legisltaion: we must reach the hearts of the children or things will only get worse.

Symptom #5 = Hardened Hearts, Itching Ears

There is no doubt in my mind that so many Americans today have Hardened Hearts and Itching Ears. Most Christians sporadically attend churches where the Pastor teaches them what they want to hear. Sadly there aren't enough ministers who are actually preaching anything of spiritual importance. They seem content to forcefeed us milk instead of challenging us with meat. I grow weary in my church and wonder if perhaps the problem lies in me as much as it lies with them. I do not know what to do but pray.

I know that i am probably watching and reading things that i shouldn't be. I can see God in them, He can use them in my life, but i don't think He wants me dwelling on them. I have seen God work in the most incredible ways. I want him to be free to use anything in my life to change me, i want my heart to be pliable for him. But i know that Satan is constantly whispering lies into my ears. He is attacking all of us. Will we listen to him, give in, or will we listen to God and allow Him to use us in the growing dark?

There are no easy answers. I "know" that i can't make a difference on my own, but i know that God can use me to make a difference. I pray 2 Chronicles 7:14: "Then if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land." I cannot fully relate the gravity of this situation, the need, only God can speak through me.

Does anyone hear?

on the third debate ~ NSU post #13

Kerry was his usual insulting imbecile self. I'm sorry that i haven't been more clear about what i disagree with (regarding his stand on the issues) but he's just so muddled about it that it upsets me. This is an interesting site to check out AOL Presidential Match if you still don't know where the candidates stand on the issues. I'm definitely voting for W (as if there was ever any doubt).

i hate to say this but... ~ NSU post #12

...i don't think that i'll ever make a good political news analyst. One of the careers i've considered in the back of my mind is "Radio Talk Show Host" and i just don't think i have enough brilliant thoughts to fill two to three hours worth of air time. I'm not addicted to my voice; i like to talk only if i actually have something to say. But i'm not gifted at analyzing news stories and pointing out the lies of politicians and reporters. I'll listen to Rush and Sean for a few hours a day (tops) and be on news overload. I don't think i could handle reading several newspapers, internet articles, and appropriately themed books each week in order to be adequately prepared for each day's program. As one can see i don't have the time or content to even fill this blog. I usually want to write something but just can't get anything out that anyone would want to read anyway.

...i wish Kerry would shut up. I know, i know, i'm a proponent of free speech and certainly don't want anyone telling me to shut up but i feel so badly for him. He makes such a fool of himself that it's embarrassing. He contradicts himself in the same breath. He personifies the very individual that he himself describes as being unworthy of serving as president. And every time i turn on Rush and Sean i hear more and more lies that he's repeatedly telling the public and it pisses me off (excuse my french). He's an ugly buffoon at best and a horrible threat at worst. Like when he went to a Democratic pro-gun rally and waved around the very type of gun that he was criticizing Bush for letting the ban run out on (like Bush controls such legislation). Plus he wants bigger government than Bush even (Bush is very "big gov" for a Republican) and says it's name calling when Bush characterizes him as a liberal. Uh, correct me if i'm wrong, but aren't you running on the Democratic ticket? Democrats are liberals; i'm certainly not going to be offended when someone calls me a conservative. Show some backbone (oh, i'm sorry: i forgot you didn't have one)!

...i am so ready for this election to be over but i'm terrified that Kerry's going to win it. I keep praying that Bush will win by a landslide (please let him get CA, please) so the Democrats won't send in the lawyers and debate about it in court like last time... my classmates are still saying that Bush wasn't legally elected even though every single independent recount that was ever done proves that Bush won in Florida and Gore had already seceded anyway (making it a moot point).

... i still want Kerry to lose even though it means Hilary Rodham Clinton will probably be running in 2008. I so want Condoleezza Rice to run against her and kick her... you get the idea.

Things have changed a bit for me in the past twenty-four hours. I have been overwhelmed lately, not only with schoolwork but with the status of my spiritual life. I was mad at God: i knew i shouldn't be, but i was hurt because He hadn't let me go to American Idol auditions in Las Vegas. I didn't want to pray to God because i "knew" that no matter what i asked for He would only say "no" or "wait." My quiet time had fallen by the wayside because every time i read my Bible i felt only more depressed. I feel like Satan has been mocking me, telling me that God's promises don't come true, that my dreams are futile; he's been trying to convince me of this for a long time, and i was starting to believe him.

Last night i poured my heart out before God for the first time in a while. I admitted to Him that i needed forgiveness, that i have been stubborn. The reason i renamed this blog ember was because i felt my flame was almost gone. I feel so much love for God that it overwhelms me; trusting Him seems to me to be the biggest chance i can ever take. Yet i know that it's not a chance at all, that He's all i need. The trouble is that i feel unplugged from Him: i know that i'm not, but that's the way it seems. He's standing beside me but He's standing apart; He's right here, but i can't touch Him.

Today i rename this blog flicker. I read my Bible this morning and am going to start having a daily quiet time. I am so close to reading my Bible all the way through: my goal is to finish before the New Year. And yes, my sixth anniversary looms ahead, but i am trusting God to get me through this dark night of the soul, to put my heart back together again. I don't want to let Satan take control of my life, i'm going to start fighting back again. I appreciate everyone's prayers of support and ask that you please be patient with me: God's not through with me.

RePlay Alias moves ~ NSU post #11

I've decided that i don't really need an entire blog dedicated to Alias. I never really said much of anything on the blog anyway, so i've deleted it. If i feel the need to review an episode i will review it here (whenever the show starts up again).

In other news, i finally caught an ep of Lost (the third). I'm not sure if i'll become a fan or not, though it's nice to see Dominic Monaghan with his real hair (facial hair especially).

Well i guess an update is in order. I have been very busy with school and have enjoyed my classes for the most part though i didn't get in all the ones i wanted to. Astronomy and Math have been disappointingly easy. English Composition has been boring and draining (it's an accelerated night class: i'm so glad i only have one more week). Mass Media and Women's Chorus have been surprisingly interesting. U.S. History is boring but informative. Guitar is a challenge.

I didn't get to attend American Idol auditions as i had hoped. I was able to get a student loan but haven't been able to find a job yet. I'm hoping to find a night job now that my night class is ending. I was sleeping better until i caught a cold that has taken me a while to shake. Spiritually i've felt drained, unplugged, and distressingly emotionless. I'm overwhelmed by the election and worried about the future. It's been hard to keep hoping but i'm endeavoring to continue to trust God. But Satan has been attacking me and i'm afraid that i'm not strong enough to stand up to him anymore. Still i'm trusting God no matter how foolish that makes me. I hope my life continues to look up as the year progresses.

elections approach, debates begin ~ NSU post #10

The first presidential debate is tonight in Florida (though some would argue it won't be a debate at all). In most states you only have a few days left to register to vote in time to vote in this election. Let me just say one thing about Kerry: i've been listening to the radio a lot lately and still don't know much about what his position is on the issues, mainly because he changes his mind so much. The interview with Diane Sawyer was, simply put, embarrassing. I am confident in not voting for him because:
1. he can't keep him position straight and/or make up his mind about what he believes(how then can he lead?)
2. he seems to intend to bow to the wishes of the UN and other countries instead of putting American interests first
3. he's intent on raising taxes but getting out of paying them himself
4. he doesn't seem to identify with the middle class on which this country is built

I might think of more soon, but suffice it to say that i have much more confidence in President Bush (current) and find him much more inspiring a speaker as well. I'm looking forward to seeing him kick some... ahem. Sorry, i'll keep it clean. Vote W!

Top 10 Bush Tax Proposals ~ NSU post #9

Kerry's was on Letterman last night. I tried to watch but couldn't stand looking on it for more than two minutes (i changed the channel back to King of the Hill). Apparently Kerry did the night's Top Ten list. As usual, he doesn't make much sense:

10. No estate tax for families with at least two U.S. presidents.
9. W-2 Form is now Dubya-2 Form.
8. Under the simplified tax code, your refund check goes directly to Halliburton.
7. The reduced earned income tax credit is so unfair, it just makes me want to tear out my lustrous, finely groomed hair.
6. Attorney General (John) Ashcroft gets to write off the entire U.S. Constitution.
5. Texas Rangers can take a business loss for trading Sammy Sosa.
4. Eliminate all income taxes; just ask Teresa (Heinz Kerry) to cover the whole damn thing.
3. Cheney can claim Bush as a dependent.
2. Hundred-dollar penalty if you pronounce it "nuclear" instead of "nucular."
1. George W. Bush gets a deduction for mortgaging our entire future.

I still don't know that much about Kerry but everything i've seen, heard, or read doesn't give me very much confidence in him. Take a look at this forward entitled "I'm so confused":

HELP,
I'm trying to get all this political stuff straightened out in my head so I'll know how to vote come November. Right now, we have one guy saying one thing. Then the other guy says something else. Who to believe. Let me see; have I got this straight?

Clinton awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Yugoslavia - good... Bush awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Iraq - bad...

Clinton spends 77 billion on war in Serbia - good... Bush spends 87 billion in Iraq - bad...

Clinton imposes regime change in Serbia - good... Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...

Clinton bombs Christian Serbs on behalf of Muslim Albanian terrorists - good... Bush liberates 25 million from a genocidal dictator - bad...

Clinton bombs Chinese embassy - good... Bush bombs terrorist camps - bad...

Clinton commits felonies while in office - good...
Bush lands on aircraft carrier in jumpsuit - bad...

Clinton says mass graves in Serbia - good... Entire world says WMD in Iraq - bad...

Stock market crashes in 2000 under Clinton - good... Economy on upswing under Bush - bad...

Clinton refuses to take custody of Bin Laden - good... World Trade Centers fall under Bush - bad...

Clinton says Saddam has nukes - good... Bush says Saddam has nukes - bad...

Clinton calls for regime change in Iraq - good... Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...

Terrorist training in Afghanistan under Clinton - good... Bush destroys training camps in Afghanistan - bad...

Milosevic not yet convicted - good... Saddam turned over for trial - bad...Ahh, it's so confusing!

Subject: Tax Facts

Thought you would find this interesting.
Every year an independent tax watchdog group analyzes the average tax burden on Americans, and then calculates the "Tax Freedom Day". This is the day after which the money you earn goes to you, not the government.
This year, tax freedom day was April 11th. That's the earliest it has been since 1991. It's latest day ever was May 2nd, which occurred in 2000.
Notice anything special about those dates?
Recently, John Kerry gave a speech in which he claimed Americans are actually paying more taxes under Bush, despite the tax cuts. He gave no explanation and provided no data for this claim. Another interesting fact: Both George Bush and John Kerry are wealthy men. Bush owns only one home, his ranch in Texas. Kerry owns 4 mansions, all worth several million dollars. (His ski resort home in Idaho is an old barn brought over from Europe in pieces. Not your average A-frame). Bush paid $250,000 in taxes this year; Kerry paid $90,000. Does that sound right? The man who wants to raise your taxes obviously has figured out a way to avoid paying his own.
Pass this on. Only <42> days until the election.

also check out: Clinton vs. Bush

some personal news... ~ NSU post #8

An interesting blog... introspections

I got an A- on my essay. Now i have to write a new one; i'm trying not to go so overboard this time. Suffice it to say my teacher really didn't really appreciate it.

Morality vs. Analyzing Nature? (a.k.a. my first college essay) ~ NSU post #7

This was written for my English Composition class. It was double spaced and indented and all that good stuff but the formatting doesn't exactly translate over to the blog format. Still, i've attempted to give it some semblance of it's formatting polish.

I agonized about whether i should write this or not. My teacher seems to have no perception of how one's faith is the very thing that shapes their worldview. But i always knew in the back of my mind that this essay had to be written and i have no qualms posting it here. I'll let everyone know what grade i got...

    I dropped out of high school because I was bored with meaningless assignments that were given just to keep the students busy. I was overworked enough without inane tasks that did nothing to expand my knowledge; the busy work did not help me learn, it only inhibited me from living life. Extra work is often just a cover up for the fact that the teacher has nothing of consequence to teach or doesn’t care to even try (this was especially evident in my Spanish class). The human mind is not a bucket to pour knowledge into but a sponge designed to absorb. I detest the fact that the public school system tried to dump meaningless junk into my brain but did not expect me to retain any of it so long as I passed my tests.

    After learning things the hard way I decided to no longer accept anything merely because I have read it or am informed that it is true: I will not abandon reason in any area of my life, I will not allow anyone to think for me (1 John 2:27). There is one tool that I predominantly use to measure everything by: the Bible, my weapon along with the faith God has given me (Ephesians 6:10-18). I do not use the Bible because it is a nice "story," but because this book has proven it to be true, a valid document of historical and scientific significance as well as one that promotes spiritual and intellectual growth. "All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It straightens us out and teaches us to do what is right" (2 Timothy 3:16). The Bible does not need to be defended because "the word of God is full of living power. It is sharper than the sharpest knife, cutting deep into our innermost thoughts and desires. It exposes us for what we really are" (Hebrews 4:12). Because I have found the content or my assigned reading to often be offensive and/or misguided when compared to Scripture, I intend to debate and clarify the issues that I have read about over the past two weeks and will use the Bible and common sense as my guide.

    Gary Snyder asks in from The Etiquette of Freedom "Do you really believe you are an animal?" (15). He asserts that it is a mistake for human beings to think they suddenly became smart enough to invent language and society, and that as such we are no better than animals. And yet he recognizes that nature is beautifully complex (16) and observes:

    Like imagination and the body, language rises unbidden. It is of a complexity that eludes our rational intellectual capacities. All attempts at scientific description of natural languages have fallen short of completeness, as the descriptive linguists readily confess, yet the child learns the mother tongue early and has virtually mastered it by six.

    Language is learned in the house and in the fields, not at school. Without having ever been taught formal grammar we utter syntactically correct sentences, one after another, for all the waking hours of the years of our life. Without conscious device we constantly reach into the vast word-hoards in the depths of the wild unconscious. We cannot as individuals or even as a species take credit for this power. It came from someplace else… (15-16)

    Yes! God gave us this gift and no other species! Man was created in the image of God and animals were placed under the authority of Man (Genesis 1:26-31). He is the One who sets us apart as greater than the animals, not man themselves. The instincts my body implements to keep itself alive and the mind that plans, dreams, and grows for tomorrow were given to me by God. He knows "what I am going to say / even before I say it" and "made all the delicate, inner parts of my body / and knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139:4, 13). Nature is so very complex that it screams out loud that it has been created by someone or something greater than us (16).

    For the truth about God is known to them instinctively. God has put this knowledge in their hearts. From the time the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky and all that God made. They can clearly see His invisible qualities--His eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse whatso-ever for not knowing God. (Romans 1:19-20)

    God created man, animals, earth, and the universe in six days (as is detailed in Gen. 1-2). While it is true that believing this requires faith it is not faith without reason: it is merely my theory of choice. The Theory of Evolution breaks several basic scientific rules and has been disproved numerous times: it is always being adapted to fit new discoveries while the creation account provided to us in Genesis has never been invalidated nor modified once. I am aware that other Christians may believe in Evolution or the thousand-year-day theories of God guiding Evolution, but in my research of Evolution vs. Creation I have found the Creation Theory to be much more plausible and that it requires less faith than believing in Evolution.

    With the knowledge of God’s command in Genesis 1:28-30 comes the responsibility to protect life on this planet. Loving and caring for the earth is not a desire exclusive to liberals or tree huggers: all of us are charged with caring for the world God gave us. I agree with Aldo Leopold's warning in Thinking like a Mountain (149-150) though it is not God who has used the pruning shears (150): it is our careless actions and the instincts God gave animals. They cannot reason and protect themselves, they are incapable, and as such we are meant to protect them.

    Nature is also not meant to be worshiped as detailed in Terry Tempest Williams' The Erotic Landscape (28-30): we must worship the One who gave us nature. He created Earth to shelter us, to connect us to Himself, and remind us of our responsibilities (in chapters such as Ps. 8). Still, I am just as puzzled as Williams when it comes to denying our feelings and losing contact with Nature. While she searches for the sexual side I suppose I search for the religious (30): though I would never phrase it that way. I do not practice a religion, I live a faith, and I often wonder how anyone can see the world through any other context but faith and truth: it is not a concept my mind can comprehend.

    Thoreau comments on this when he notes: "By a conscious effort of the mind we can stand aloof from actions and their consequences; and all things, good and bad, go by us like a torrent" (51). I do agree that the Human Race is caught in a rapid succession of cause and effect caused by our own actions and apathy, yet Thoreau sadly does not seem to find the same answer I have. He seems to have searched for truth in other places. Tom Wolfe's O Rotten Gotham is similar in this respect: Wolfe seems to believe that Humans are animals that merely react and that we cannot think for ourselves (57-59). No one calling the police when a girl is being raped in plain view (58), cutting others off in traffic (61), it's just a reaction to behavioral sink, right? Wrong:

    But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

    We don't have to react badly or stand by and let bad things happen: that's just an excuse. It's just like Thoreau said: we separate ourselves from our actions, refuse to take the blame, on purpose (51). We don't want to take responsibility because we don't want to admit that the world is messed up, that we feel helpless to change it. "...What we fear most is our capacity to feel, and so we annihilate symbolically and physically that which is beautiful and tender, anything that dares us to consider our creative selves," writes Williams (29).

    The way we feel about these feelings, temptation, and sin is also similar to what Ursula K. Le Guin relates in The Creatures in My Mind: "And if I had any courage or common sense, I kept telling myself, I'd step on the poor damned creature and put it out of its misery" (81). But instead she ignored it; she turned away and waited for it to slowly destroy itself, to suffocate to death (82). All humans are the same way: we tell ourselves that it doesn't exist, that we're helpless to initiate change. We're fine without God, right? "It was a responsibility that would not act. It was guilt itself" (82). She asks: "Is it my fault? Did I build the cage?" (82) and concludes:

    My imagination makes me human and makes me a fool; it gives me all the world and exiles me from it. The gull stood waiting for the dog, for the other gulls, for the tide, for what came, living its life completely until death. Its eye looked straight through me, seeing truly, seeing nothing but the sea, the sand, the wind. (83).

    I ask myself the same questions often. Do I live fully? Is there more to life than this headlong rush that we all surrender to? What are we doing wrong, what am I doing wrong? "I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate...But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things" (Rom. 7:15, 17). And so I continue to wonder: how does one form an opinion without belief? How does one measure the world without faith and reason?

    All of these essays seem to state a belief about both nature and faith without reason and I struggle to comprehend it. To me faith is everything; I am who I am, I know what I know, because of faith. In my mind no opinion can be formed without considering what God commands in His Word. And yet one of the things I love about being an American is our freedom of speech: freedom to have and state an opinion that is contrary to what others believe is a beloved gift. I do not mind if others disagree with me as long as I have the chance to be heard as well. I inwardly debated with for several days on what to write here... Should I take the advice of my uncle who said: "In college the teachers want you to contradict what they say"? Do I accept the contradictory statements of my teacher (Ms. Penney Hills) when she said "The teacher is meaningless, is trouble," and "Take a chance: you have to step into the river of life"? Do I compromise my beliefs and reason, play it safe, or take a chance and state an opinion... even if it's not what she wants to read?

    "What is the pill which will keep us well, serene, contented?" Thoreau asked this question one hundred and fifty years ago then concluded that it is Nature who will heal us (53). I disagree; if such were the case Nature would have healed all of us thousands of years ago--before we started polluting our planet and fighting world wars--and we would have utopia. I have traveled near and far in this country I call home and though I still haven't seen half of it I know that it is not Nature that heals me. It is not where I am physically that makes me content but where I am spiritually. Even though Satan seeks to devour me (1 Peter 5:8) "I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from His love" (Rom. 8:38a) except for my own sin (Rom. 3:23). I thank God every day for providing a way--for all of us--to reach Him (Rom. 6:23) and am convinced that there is only one answer to the world’s problems and questions: Jesus (John 14:6). I respectfully conclude that no "should" has been included: this is just my opinion.

Works Cited
please excuse the lack of hanging indentsAnderson, Lorraine, Scott Slovic, and John P. O'Grady. Literature and the Environment: a Reader on Nature and Culture. Longman, 1999.

Le Guin, Ursula K. "The Creatures of My Mind." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 81-83.

Leopold, Aldo. "Thinking like a Mountain." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 149-150.

Snyder, Gary. "from The Etiquette of Freedom." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 15-16.

Student's Life Application Bible. New Living Translation. Wheaton: Tyndale, 1997.

Thoreau, Henry David. "Solitude." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 48-53.

Williams, Terry Tempest. "The Erotic Landscape." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 28-30.

Wolfe, Tom. "O Rotten Gotham." Anderson, Slovic, and O'Grady, 54-61.

guess what i heard on the radio... ~ NSU post #6

"'I Had an Abortion' T-Shirt Causes Stir For Pro-Abortionists

September 3, 2004 - Friday
by: Genevieve Wood

In for Tony Perkins, I'm Genevieve Wood for Washington Watch.
Browsing through the Planned Parenthood online store you'll find a variety of so-called "women's rights" items for sale -- pins, posters, condoms, even "chocolate birth control pill packs." But this year Planned Parenthood unveiled a new fitted t-shirt to sell at the March for Women's Lives which touted the slogan "I Had an Abortion" -- this was a direct counter to the Silent No More campaign's popular pro-life "I Regret My Abortion" t-shirt. But in the end the Planned Parenthood shirt is turning out to be a miserable failure. Both supporters and non-supporters of Planned Parenthood have complained that the heartless slogan of "I Had An Abortion" not only sends the wrong message to young women it also celebrates one of the most heart-breaking experiences a woman can have.

The truth is that all women regret their abortion at one level or another and no one wants to advertise the fact they have killed their unborn child. They certainly don't want to wear that slogan across their chest. The extremist message of this t-shirt by Planned Parenthood truly reveals the radical and anti-life agenda of Planned Parenthood. It further shows how out of touch they are not only with American women but even the Democratic Party who Planned Parenthood usually supports, because the Democratic party claims that it wants to make abortion less necessary and more rare.

For Family Research Council, I'm Genevieve Wood with today's Washington Watch."

-from Family Research Council

Fwd: War facts ~ NSU post #5

I thought this forward was pretty interesting...

> -----Original Message-----
> From: Elder Richard L LtCol 386 EAS
> Sent: Sunday, August 15, 2004 8:39 PM
> Subject: War facts
>
>
> There were 39 combat related killings
> in Iraq during the month of January.....
> In the fair city of Detroit there were
> 35 murders in the month of January.
>
>
> That's just one American city,
> about as deadly as the entire war torn country of
> Iraq.
>
>
> When some claim President Bush shouldn't
> have started this war, state the following ...
>
>
> FDR...
> led us into World War II.
> Germany never attacked us: Japan did.
> From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost,
> an average of 112,500 per year.
>
>
> Truman..
> finished that war and started one in Korea,
> North Korea never attacked us.
> From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost,
> an average of 18,334 per year.
>
>
> John F. Kennedy...
> started the Vietnam conflict in 1962.
> Vietnam never attacked us.
>
>
> Johnson...
> turned Vietnam into a quagmire.
> From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost,
> an average of 5,800 per year.
>
>
> Clinton...
> went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent,
> Bosnia never attacked us.
> He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter
> three times by Sudan and did nothing.
> Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.
>
>
> In the two years since terrorists attacked us
> President Bush has ...
> liberated two countries,
> crushed the Taliban,
> crippled al-Qaida,
> put nuclear inspectors in Libya,
> Iran and North Korea
> without firing a shot,
> and captured a terrorist who slaughtered
> 300,000 of his own people.
>
>
> The Democrats are complaining
> about how long the e war is taking, but...
> It took less time to take Iraq
> than it took Janet Reno to take the
> Branch Davidian compound.
> That was a 51 day operation.
>
>
> We've been looking for evidence of
> chemical weapons in Iraq for less
> time than it took Hillary Clinton to
> find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
>
>
> It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division
> and the Marines to destroy the Medina
> Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to
> call the police after his Oldsmobile
> sank at Chappaquiddick.
>
>
> It took less time to take Iraq than it took
> to count the votes in Florida!!!!
>
>
> Our Commander-In-Chief is doing a GREAT JOB!
> The Military morale is high!
>
>
> The biased media hopes we are too ignorant to
> realize
> the facts.
>
> PASS THIS ON! THANKS!

Argh!!!

Well i have some news. I am now in Colorado and had a safe move. I've been enjoying not having a job but not enjoying not having any money. And i've started classes and enjoyed them for the most part (of course we haven't actually done anything yet).

But sometimes it seems like there's been one problem after another. I had trouble finding my ACT results (my mother had them it turns out) and when i took them in the power was out. My financial aid still hasn't come through because FAFSA neglected to update my application a month ago and the college just barely got my info today. I had to wait until Orientation to register (because of the aforementioned problems i had to attend the last one) so i didn't get the classes i wanted (though i will admit that i think i'm going to enjoy most of my classes). And the colleges website that supposedly allows me to save documents online so i can access them at other computers deleted my half finished essay that i wasn't enjoying writing in the first place. Of course i couldn't seem to write it but am having no trouble whatsoever writing here...

I have been so exhausted. I've been having trouble sleeping. My body wants to sleep til like nine but my subconscious doesn't even let me sleep right because i'm afraid i'll oversleep even though i don't have classes until 11 at the earliest (even later some days). It was the same in high school: one of my worst nightmares is showing up for class late and naked (topless at least) yet no one notices. Not a pleasant dream but (it once was) a recurring one; luckily i haven't had that one again (yet).

Another school day tomorrow. I can't believe how nervous i've been about starting school again. Nothing really bad (not like HGBC-North auditions), but it's there none the less. Let's see if i can get some sleep now... i need it.

The Village * * * * ~ NSU post # 4

"You see light when there is only darkness."
~ Edward Walker (William Hurt) to Ivy Walker (Bryce Dallas Howard)

Shyamalan delivers again in the Village with the great story and terrific acting that are typical of his films. Phoenix and Jones return to Shyamalan's cast and are joined by Hurt, Weaver, Brody, Gleeson, and newcomer Bryce Dallas Howard (daughter of Ron Howard who steals the show even though it's only her first film). I believe that many won't like this movie because 1) it isn't really that scary and 2) it's a bit slow, but i didn't find the story or it's pacing dull or boring. Shyamalan still wrote plenty of plot twists in for the characters--who you have to love--to experience and of course included his usual surprise ending. I figured it out before the end (maybe i'm just getting used to his movies?) but was still blown away by the beauty of the love story. No, this movie isn't as good as Signs but i kind of doubt that he'll ever be able to make a movie that is.  The acting is superb (i can't rave about them enough) and the setting perfect: i give the film 4 out of 5 stars. It's very clean though probably too scary for little ones... the PG-13 rating is appropriate. I highly recommend this movie.

Has it really been so long since i've posted here?

Well as you can see i have been updating the looks of all my blog*spots (save RePlay Alias: i'm rather partial to the way it looks already) and have also changed the time of my posts to be concurrent to Mountain Standard Time. The old designs for my blogs were looking a bit... well, old. And i'm moving back to Colorado to attend college so i thought i should prepare here as well as in RL. You see i was planning to attend CPCC here but they say that i don't have valid proof of being an In-State Resident. So i'm going to go to college in Colorado where my parents live and will automatically be considered an In-State Resident as i'm still their Dependent (according to the government; i actually haven't lived with them for almost two years) until i turn 23 this December.

So that's about all that's happening with me. Pretty boring huh? I'm looking forward to college... and seeing my family again. It's been a long time. Please pray for a safe trip for me as i'm leaving next Sunday and probably won't get home until Tuesday.

Symptom #2 = Taxed to Death ~ NSU post # 3

On Wednesday evening during our commute to mid-week services we were (as always) listening to talk radio.  A caller brought up one of this election's big issues:  taxes.  He said that he had figured out that if the 2.3 Trillion dollar budget was divided equally between each U.S. citizen that each individual would have to pay over $8000 a year in taxes.  As i am currently making about $10,000 a year i was floored by this.

Well guess what Kerry wants to do as soon as he gets into office (if he's elected that is):  raise taxes.  Another caller said that she and her husband both own small businesses and if Kerry gets his way they will have a combined income of $60,000 a year after taxes.  The rich already foot a lot of the bill because their taxes are so high (i, for example, don't pay taxes at all:  i get it all back) and of course Kerry wants to raise their taxes, too.

Why are we punishing the wealthy for living the American Dream?  All of us want to be rich, right?  At least, that's the general mentality of this nation.  We're capitalists and we look up to--even idolize--the rich, so what gives?  We want to punish the ones who have achieved everything we're working for?  Something doesn't add up here.

Kerry says "I will restore trust and credibility," yeah right!  I happen to trust the man who's currently office, thank you very much.  Sure, W isn't perfect, but i voted for him with my eyes wide open and i'm going to vote for him again.  Bush is of the stuff presidents should be made of and trusts God for his strength; i'm sure that's more than we can say of Kerry.

I Committed Murder ~ NSU post # 2

Today's Charlotte Observer contains the article 'I had an abortion' T-shirts cause Carolinas rift. Planned Parenthood has finally realized that they're offending people with their new t-shirts that proudly proclaim "I had an abortion." Wearing one of these shirts is just like saying "I Committed Murder" and it's about time someone complained. The fact that we allow abortion in our country at all--let alone are still arguing about whether or not partial birth abortion should be legal--is just another symptom that's indicating the death pains of the U.S.

Sympton #1 = State Advocated Murder

Psalm 139:13-16 says:
"You (God) made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous--and how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

Abortion is murder, which is why Planned Parenthood hates the fact that those of us who aren't "Pro-Choice" call ourselves "Pro-Life." No matter how they try to defend themselves or deny the truth they know that saying one is Pro-Choice is merely the justification of the death of someone they consider to be an inconvenience. So many people are willing to adopt children because they cannot have any or because they want more but it's expensive and difficult to adopt. Meanwhile Planned Parenthood tries to control the world's population growth and proudly offers t-shirts like this on their website.

If life does not begin at conception when does it begin? When the heart starts beating? When the mother feels movement? If a woman miscarries? God says that our lives are laid out before us before we even live a day: i believe that means before we're even conceived (how many great lives have been cut short before they even truly began?) but what about Partial Birth Abortion? Our Representatives in Congress and Judicial System can't even agree on whether it's acceptable or not.

How low must we sink before we turn back to God?

in the beginning... ~ NSU post #1

People are always telling me to shut up. I always reply "i never shut up." So that's why i'm starting this new page... because there are a lot of things going on in today's world that i want to write and talk about from my faith to politics to entertainment. I feel the need to proclaim the truth and that's what i intend to do. America is on the verge of collapse if Christians don't stand up for what's right and take the steps that are necessary for a revival in the church and a great awakening in the streets.

No one has to read what i'm going to write if they don't want to, but i'm not going to shut up: the Founding Fathers created a country with freedom of speech and i'm going to exercise my right here. Hopefully i can sprinkle in some humor and display some God-like wisdom: but the truth is that i just want to have a place to talk even if no one will listen because i do have something to say. Feel free to comment and write me about whatever but remember: i never shut up.

God has a weird sense of humor. He does. It's so funky i'd almost call Him morbid.

I've just been thinking a lot lately about where i am in life. I'm so sad and overwhelmed and p.o.'d but i still trust Him. My life is seriously messed up but i keep on loving Him and keep on trying to serve Him and no one understands what i'm going through except the One i'm the most angry with: Him. Oh, people will sometimes try to understand (unless they're closed and think i'm not really going through anything at all) but no one really understands. They can't.

Who could understand how i feel honored and chastised by Him at the same time? How i'm perfectly content yet overwhelmingly sad all at once? I feel deeply: that's what i asked Him to give me. I asked Him not to give me patience and that's what He decided to teach me, too. And people tell me to "hang in there" and "it will be all right" and it isn't. I'm the persistant one, i'm the one who's been willingly and not-so-willingly waiting for five and a half years. No matter how hard things get i still turn to Him, but i've discovered that no matter how much i've already been through things can still get worse. And i know He's allowing these things to happen to me, but i also know that He is my only hope. So i wait.

Right now i have only a few cents to my name. I'm sitting in the library media center typing this out, listening to Avril Lavigne or whoever else pops up next on Launch, am wearing one of my three Quizno's shirts, my only pair of cargos, and my beat up sneakers. I probably reek of subs but i can't smell it anymore. I'm exhausted in so many different ways. Around my neck is a silver chain with two rings hanging from it. One is my "Lord of the Rings ring" and the other: my True Love Waits ring.

For a couple of weeks now i've been wearing my TLW ring around my neck and playing with it, kissing it, holding it. And here is how God has been so ironic: you see my TLW ring looks kinda like the One Ring. Every time i've attended a LotR event in costume i've worn it like this and people have always assumed that it was a replica of the One Ring. The ring originally stood for my virginity, my saving myself for my Imzadi (my future husband), but it's become so much more. Everything this ring stands for is part of me now and has become a burden, one that i willingly bear. It's come through every day with me, either on my left ring finger or around my neck, and it doesn't stand for merely my chastity anymore: it stands for my relationship with God.

I'm waiting for Him because i love Him. Most people don't understand that, they tell me "God helps those who helps themselves" and other well-meant fallacies and they totally miss what God's whispering to me right now, what i've been trying to share with everyone. Even though i can't see Him, He's still here. Even though i can't feel His hand in mine, He's still leading me. Even though i can't hear Him, He's still teaching me. And even though the one thing i want more than anything is to go (Here am i Lord, send me!) He's asking me to wait.

I know that i could never have loved Him if He hadn't loved me first, but i love him ever so desperately. I am furious with Him and hate Him and He's hurt me more than words can say but i still love Him so much that i just cannot help but keep coming back for more. Whatever He wants i'll do it. I'm so weak that i may not be able to, but i'll try my hardest and He'll do the rest. And though i am utterly perplexed and my heart is in a million pieces and i hardly recognize myself or my life anymore i know that He is in control.

People don't want to hear the truth. The truth hurts. But truth is my only freedom right now. Everything around me weighs me down but i'm free anyway, trying ever so hard to run, to fly. I am so annoyed by my life and the people who refuse to accept me as i am but somehow i cannot hate them anyway. I hate what they do to me, how they make me feel, the lies they tell me, the way they push me back down in the mud, but i'm trying to love them anyway. Sometimes it's too much and i lash out at them: it's so hard when all day every day people are trying to push me down. But i don't want to be down anymore. I want to be who God wants me to be and that's all that matters.

I didn't know God would bring me here. Somehow i knew deep down that i wasn't really happy but i didn't know how to get free. I kinda know now but He's still teaching me, still molding me. I hate some of the things i've been through, but i'd rather live this life than the lie i had. It's such a relief to be myself, to know exactly what i want, to be able to take comfort in the things that God has given me. He's shown me so much. There are so many things that He will use in our lives if only we will let Him. Most people try to fit Him in a box and control our own life by telling Him what we think we should have when in reality He is so much more awesome if we will let Him show us the storm.

I'd rather have this pain and be weird than be safe and ordinary. Sure, it's scary, but i know i'm perfectly safe in His arms. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore, or the swollen waves, or the pain: He's closer because of them. That's why i am who i am and do what i do, because i have abandoned all else for Him. He's all that matters.

Don't like what i have to say? Too bad. I never shut up.