miracles and morality

On Sunday at Sunday school the class was discussing the changes that are made when one becomes a brand new Christian. The general consensus of the class was that behavioral changes happen gradually. I related how i've met several separate individuals who were drug addicts, alcoholics, smokers, etc., who quit cold turkey once they asked Jesus to take over their lives and fill up the void in their hearts. Everyone else in class seemed to believe that such an event is a miracle, is a rarity. Why do people refuse to admit that God is capable of miracles everyday? Why do they have to be pessimistic and quantify and qualify it as "that rarely happens, that's not normal."

On SVU this week the ep was about racism and nazism. One of the guest stars was J.C. Mackenzie, formerly of Dark Angel, which i found to be surprising as he was one of the main nazis. Then tonight on original L&O the subject was sterilizing drug addicts/abusive parents/women who abuse welfare... without their approval or knowledge. At the end the defending lawyer said that lots of people think that's okay. I don't. One of the women in the ep who couldn't have children anymore had cleaned up her life and was attending college and would never ever be able to have kids. That's heartbreaking.

God is a God of second chances. He's a God of miracles. He's a God that will hear you when you cry out to Him and run--not walk--to your rescue. That's what the Bible tells me to believe. The sin and immorality that was displayed (on some of my favorite TV shows no less) the past couple of weeks has astounded me. Mom cannot comprehend it. I do in a way: people want to live the way they are living, and it really seems that Satan is firmly in control of their hearts, but i don't want to believe that. People look at me like i'm crazy when i tell them i want to go into the entertainment business because it's liberal, immoral, etc., but that's why i need to go there. Someone has to make a difference there.

But my sinful nature and lack of patience is something i struggle with everyday. Should i curse? Should i be waiting or is it really just wasting the time i have on this planet? Today Brittany said to me that i have a lot of anger in me and that i need to let it out for this scene we are doing: but i don't want to let that anger out, i don't want to let it consume or control me. I don't want to give into the fear that Satan is in control and winning because i don't want to believe that it's true. I'm not really an optimist anymore, but i still fight against becoming a pessimist.

I've taken two Jung / Myers-Briggs personality tests lately. I think i'm an INFP: Introverted Intuition Feeling Perceiving. But the strange thing is that the more i read the more i know that i can't be defined by four letters, i'm a bit of all eight. I'm a weird mix between Introverted and Extroverted, between Thinking and Feeling. I'm unique; i use both sides of my brain equally. I'm just trying to figure out who i am, and who God wants me to be. I can't accept that i'm going through the dark for nothing, there must be a reason, something He wants me to learn... otherwise what's the point?

I don't know what to do with my now. Should i stay at Mesa State? Apply to attend Biola? Enlist in the military? Apply to work at Powderhorn? Hitchhike to LA? What? I'm desperate. I don't know what to do. I can't stand to see Satan winning battles (though i know he'll lose the war). I can't stand to notice where God is working and not be a part of it, but i know that's not where He wants me. He's told me where He wants me, promised it to me, but for some reason He seems to want me to wait. "Here am i, Lord, send me," but there is never an answer. Six years, ten months, twenty-two days seems an eternity to me. I'm not patient, i'm not good at waiting, but that's what i've had to do for almost seven years: longer really, because i've wanted to grow up so i could serve God since i was about three.

I chose to highlight INFP because a lot of it fits. I have a kinship with Joan of Arc. I identify with the statements "Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often unhappy childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which, unfortunately, is discouraged . . . by many parents." and "Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful. . .".

Just tonight at dinner my Mom mentioned having "another Drama Queen in the family", and i know she didn't mean to be hurtful, but it was. I feel like my entire life i've been struggling to be the real me yet to satisfy everyone else at the same time. People don't like the real me: i'm offensive, ugly, outlandish, a freak. I still try to hide my differences a lot because there are moments when i want nothing more than to fit in. That's the very opposite of who i am, who i strive to be, but it's still there. I hate being alone: sometimes i need to be, but i don't want it for always.

If God cannot perform miracles everyday how can new life be brought into the world? How can there be healing and forgiveness? How can anyone move mountains, call fire from the sky, walk on water? How can anyone be rescued when they cry out to the God who made them, who knows all their secret dreams and sorrows? I'm tired of people trying to limit God. I'm tired of people trying to limit me. I only want to be who He wants me to be, but who is that? Which way do i go? I have no patience, how am i supposed to get some, and would i be the same person if i did? Would changing be such a bad thing, would losing the old me be so awful? I'm so scared. I want to do His will but i have no idea what that is. I don't know how to get through a single day but i don't want to bail out on Him. I don't want to be alone but i don't want to throw myself at a guy just to get a one night stand. I'm working for eternity, not for the here and now. And yet is it so wrong to want a comfortable life on earth for a while?

I look at magazines and see so many beautiful bodies (sometimes more of them than i think i should) but i think that every one is a work of art. God created those models, knit them together in their mothers' wombs. I feel beautiful but i also feel ugly, lost under 100 pounds of flab. I feel like a genious but i also feel like an idiot because i can't figure out what to do with my life or how to understand my Physics homework.

I just simply don't know what to do. How long must i wait to get beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair,? I read verses like Isaiah 61:3--For the LORD has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory.--and marvel. How am i strong or graceful or glorifying Him?!? I'm such a mess. I try to hide my true hair color, my weight, my body, my shattered heart, my devotion to God, my desires for things that i know others don't approve of, the list goes on...

My goal is to glorify God. My goal is to be used by Him to change the world. My goal is to never be ordinary. My goal is for my heart and soul and body and spirit and life to be made whole.

What else can i say? "Boo hoo, things aren't going my way!"?! All i wanted was to be who God wants me to be, nobody else, even if the means denying myself some things. He's given me so much except for the things i want the most. It feels like He's giving me nothing. I have to remind myself of how much He's done, how much He's pulled me through. I don't want to focus on the storm, i want to focus on Him. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. But i have to believe that God is a God of miracles who can use me no matter what my limitations else what do i have to live for???? Nothing.

cool pic of Mars

drat

There were tons of things that i longed to write here earlier today, and now i can't think of one of them.

spam

what i'm knitting ~ PoA scarf (3/4 of the way through)
what i'm listening to ~ lots of Harry Potter composed by John Williams, lots of K-Love

i have been getting a ton of spam in my inbox at Yahoo Mail lately and i have no idea why.

but this time...

there aren't enough questions to accurately deduce anything imho

princess leia is a fantasy character?!?

(oh, i guess it includes sci-fi characters, too, but i don't know why they made me leia)

PacSun wishlist

Well, i made one, but for some reason i can't figure out a way to view it. Very strange. And Old Navy won't let me create an account: i have an invalid password hint, even though there's nothing wrong with the ones i've made as far as i can tell... d:

i got my jacket today

Megan sent it in the mail! And it fits tighter than i expected for a 2X (i usually wear 1X), which makes it a perfect fit if i'm not wearing any thick layers underneath (besides a blouse or tee). It's thicker than i expected, too, and warm and toasty. Very nice: removable hood, removable fur trim (on hood), 2 way zipper, elastic cuffs inside the cuff (so as to keep out snow), no velcro to catch lint in the wash and dryer, and a soft fleece lining. Check it out at Old Navy.

snowboard update

So i got new bindings this week (finally) only to get them home and realize once again that they were too narrow for my boots (i should have known better than to bring my board home again before making sure the boots fit but the woman said that large bindings should cut it no matter what and i didn't need to bring my boots back). So i take in my board, bindings, boots, etc., and this cute guy is helping me find some bindings that work. And then i notice some marcaroni on the floor. He takes the boot out of one binding and puts it into another. Macaroni is falling out of my boot! And of course he notices, so i have to explain that i have a mouse that is stashing food in random places that i can't seem to get rid of. And now i don't want to take my boots back into my room because he's found a way into the box before, he can do it again, and the last thing i need is my new laces to be chewed. So embarassing. He was really cute and understanding and acted like it was no big deal. Ugh i hate my life sometimes: everytime i'm attracted to someone something happens that makes me look like an idiot or they have to leave unexpectedly. But at least the binding problem is finally cleared up.

oh, and on another note

My sister Megan found me a jacket at Old Navy. I looked it up on the website yesterday but today the website is down again (as it has been for well over a month). Very strange.

updated aeo wish

Yeah, i know, it's late, but it's the weekend! I just updated my American Eagle wishlist. There are several things i really wish i could get. On the jeans i put about two sizes smaller than i am i think... though this past summer there was a pair of capris that i tried on at Hot Topic in the same size that i fit into (it was a tight fit, but not so tight that i wouldn't wear them in public). I really, really wanted those pants, but they were $42 and i simply didn't have the money. That style has been totally sold out for months (it's still in my wish list though). Anyways, i dated it August 11th of next year, around the time i hope to be packing for Biola. Who knows if i'll get anything off my list, but, gotta dream, right? Without hope the people perish.

the leaves are falling!

i have never seen the leaves falling as fast as this year. Many of the trees on campus are already mostly bare. Last week at this time i remember walking around and watching these same trees rain leaves. It was very beautiful. It's been a very colorful fall so far... and a very warm one. I can't wait for some cool weather.

she got it from me

Brinna is now on 43 Things, too.

the Amazing Race

I really want to be on the Amazing Race; have ever since i started watching the show. It looks like fun, and i'd like to give it a try. Unfortunately the two people i would want to go with both can't go because they have young children to care for (namely, my sister Megan and my Mom). Plus both people on the team have to be twenty-one, so my sister Katie is definitely out (she loves watching the Race, too). My mom has suggested i go with my dad, but i think we would probably kill each other. (: So applications should be opening up for AR10 soon and i'm trying to figure out who i could ask to apply with me. I don't have many friends. Brook and i haven't done anything together in a long time. There's that one friend who lives in Hurricane Alley that i haven't heard from since Katrina (nor met before). And my new friend Brittany who obviously only sees me as a school friend (she's not inviting me to Vegas for her upcoming 21st birthday trip with her other friends, for example, which is not a big deal, just indicative of the nature of our friendship). I wish i could invite Debbie, but she's only 18 and i don't really know her. She just sounds so cool on her blog though, like we have a lot in common. But i'm sure that she wouldn't want to get to know or hang out with an old fogie like me. (: What to do? Pray about it, i guess.

from my commonplace book

"For obvious reasons, I never told you about my notebook, with a cover as green as mansions long gone, which I use as a commonplace book, a phrase which here means 'place where I have collected passages from the most important books I have read.' These passages hold some of the most crucial secrets in this sad and flammable world."
~ from Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography

I need to quote more poetry and books. I just got e.e. cummings complete works from the library and haven't even cracked the cover.

Btw, my commonplace book's cover is currently a lime green but i don't even really use it. Other colors i might use inclue orange, dark red, purple, and (most obviously) blue.

Off to bed i guess.

happy photos

The cell phone i have i chose on a whim. I didn't go intending to get one with a camera phone, but that's what i got. I just had two phones to choose from that were virtually the same price and one had a camera while the other didn't. I am so glad. I take photos of the randomest things. I wish i could take more photos but the simple truth is that the camera on my cell phone stinks. Everything is blurry and there isn't enough light. My profile image is probably the best photo i've taken with my cell and it's heavily doctored (i'm good at using Photoshop, so sue me!).

Anyways, i just found two blogs that don't have much content except for lots and lots of pics of happy people. I wish i could join them in a way because they all look like they're having a blast. Here are the links:

Swirls of Thought

God, Hot Wings, and Dr. Pepper

a pathological doodler's blog

Yahoo! Mail log in

Is anyone else glad that Yahoo Mail finally updated the pics on the sign in page?!? In my opinion it was long overdue! The new pics are really neat, too. Happy.

relief

The thing about unloading is that i feel guilty afterwards. I always wish i was stronger. While i'm in one of my funks i feel perfectly justified, but afterwards i feel selfish and selfless all at once. I'm not in control of my life. I don't want to make demands of God. At the same time i don't know how to survive in the place He's put me, let alone thrive.

I've been blessed in so many ways but at the same time i feel like it's not enough. I don't have to have everything, all the latest toys, etc., i just need Him. Why should i feel selfish to want that? I know i don't deserve Him, but i've accepted the gift, i've changed my life and given it to Him. Is it wrong to expect all that He has promised in return?

I've decided that my view of God--no matter what happens or doesn't happen--can not be like in Dogma. God will not die if He doesn't follow through, nor will He cease to be the loving God i grew up walking with. If anyone is wrong, it is me, and He has every right to change His mind if He so chooses. There is nothing that He is incapable of, and that means nothing. I think that's one of the biggest problems with todays society (both the saved and unsaved): we try to put limits on God and tell Him what He can or can not do. That's what i turned my back on when i decided to let go and let God do His will in my life, no matter the personal cost. I don't understand what He's doing, but i have to trust that He has what's best for me at heart.

So i'm sorry if i've been kind of whiny, i just want Satan to give me a break is all. Hanging in there...

well...

I found my calculator in a pocket of my backpack that i had searched repeatedly. x: I guess that's something, isn't it? But scene rehearsal didn't happen (one no show, one left before i could arrive as traffic was really bad so i was a little late). I worked on Physics homework for an hour and still am not finished. Work was exhausting. I don't feel like doing anything but nothing.

anonymity

1. The quality or state of being unknown or unacknowledged.
2. One that is unknown or unacknowledged.

I didn't get paid on Thursday as i was supposed to. The Wednesday before timecards were due i asked my boss if they were available for me to fill out yet and he said no, come back next Monday. I came back Tuesday and could tell right away that i was too late. It doesn't say on there what day the cards were due, but it's due in the morning (at 9 or 10 as i recall), which means they didn't get the cards to my boss until Thursday or Friday but they expected us to fill them out and him to turn them in by Monday morning (as they're due on Monday or Friday morning, depending on the pay period, as far as i have been able to determine). That is insane. Some of us have this little thing going on called school and a big thing going on called homework. That Monday was 10 days before the next paycheck was due, you'd think they could have either gotten the cards to us in a timely manner or set a reasonable deadline for us to turn them in. It wasn't like i could come in on the weekend to fill mine out and i didn't have time on Thursday or Friday to make an extra trip, now would i try when i was told to come back on Monday at the earliest.

But somehow i knew this was going to happen. My entire last paycheck, i was spending a lot of money (for a change) so i could fulfill the requirement of my BMG membership and cancel it. I got eight CDs for under forty bucks (which is definitely a blessing of sorts) and didn't buy myself anything that wasn't necessary: food and gas and $10 worth of yarn (my only other splurge, but right now a necessary stress reliever). I haven't bought any new clothes since last December for crying out loud and am in bad need of some warm clothes and new pants. But i kept telling God that i was am trusting Him to make sure that i get paid on time (because the last thing i want is to have to fall back on my parents again), and i've been trying so hard to be optimistic and not mad at Him and not depressed (even though i'm sick and school is way too much for me to handle with my workload) and what happens? He lets me down. So instead of providing for me i have to be a burden to my parents at a time where i especially want to be on my own so i'm not bothering them with stuff like this. They really don't have the money to spare either because one sister is getting expensive dental work done and another was just tested for a learning disability similar to dyslexia and my brother just had to go the the emergency room and get stitches.

So as soon as i find out that no, i'm not paranoid, i really am getting screwed out of a paycheck, i have to go do a physics lab for two hours. It was all i could do not to cry in the hall as i waited for the teacher to unlock the lab (late, as usual). I was just sitting there, trying to pray, but i couldn't because then the tears and anger would come. I wasn't sobbing, i wasn't trying to vent, but the tears wouldn't stop, they kept rolling down my cheeks. Then i go inside and discover that my nice calculator fell out of my backpack (i think in spanish, but it wasn't in lost+found or the classroom). So i just sit there and try to focus on my work and forget this gaping hole in me that's been ripped open for the upteenth time.

In Church this past Sunday i read in 2 Chorinthins 1:3-7: All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.

So at the beginning of this week i felt encouraged, resigned to doing whatever God's will is for me. And what do i get? I seek His will and He still doesn't show me. I trust Him and He still doesn't come through. I need gas to go to school, i need to pay for my car insurance, i would like to be able to start buying Christmas presents for my family, i would like to be able to buy some hoodies (at Ross if i have to) so i can be warm when i work out in the cold, but do i get any of that? If i weren't living with my parents i would have no food, no shelter, no gas, and probably no clothes. I listen to this wonderful Christian music that speaks about God's unfailing love and then He lets me down again. I go out on a limb because i love Him so much and He cuts the branch out from under me.

How can He be a loving God if He doesn't come running to me when i call, as He promises to do in the Scriptures? How can i reconcile the reality of my life with the reality that i know to be true in the Bible? Either He is lying or my entire life is a lie. "So tired of the straight line ~ that everywhere you turn ~ are vultures and thieves at your back ~ storm keeps on twisting ~ keeps on telling the lies ~ that you make up for all that you lack" (Angel, Sarah McLachlan).



I can't not believe in God. But how is this possible? I have given Him everything, begged Him to show me if i'm sinning, who He wants me to be, what He wants me to do, and there is no answer that i can hear. The one answer He gave me before this darkness began i am now apparently barred from. I have cried out to Him in the dark, begging Him to calm the storm, but He doesn't. I try to accept that, ask Him to give me the strength to get through it, but i don't get strengthened, i get weakened. I just want to love unconditionally, be used to change peoples' lives, to do His will, to take up my cross daily and follow Him, but i don't know how to anymore. I am so paralyzed and bound hand and foot in the dark, that i don't even know how to breathe or cry or hold on anymore because all of these simple actions are a battle in themselves.

I've been playing this game online called Mozaki Blocks. You put blocks in a square. They are different shapes so you try to fit them together like in Tetris. Each side of the square is a different color, and you're trying to get blocks to form bigger blocks and to get from the small square in the center to the wall that is the same color. When you go up a level the colors on the outside change color and if blocks are touching the way they change color, too. But the blocks in the middle, not touching a block touching the outside, they stay the same color. I finally figured out that i needed to build from the outside in instead of the inside out, that way my work wouldn't be ruined every time i got to a new level. But as the levels get higher there are more colors, two to some sides, then two to every side, and it's impossible to get past like level five or six. I think i got to seven once but i didn't even get one or two matches (and by that time you have to make about twenty to advance a level).

I sometimes wonder if God is the cage i'm in. The cage keeps seeming to get smaller and smaller, closing in on me. My voice bounces back, echoes, and i don't want to talk anymore, or cry, i just wish i wasn't me in a way. How can one person feel so much love and pain and betrayal and devotion all in the same moment? But i just wonder: am i building from the inside out or the inside in? Is God the walls holding me in, or is he the square in the center, that perfects the puzzle no matter what color you are? I feel like i'm a jumble of squares that are all in the wrong places, that are touching the wrong walls or blocking the center so i can't make the ends meet.

How do i fix that? I can't. I can only start over. I don't want to start over, i've tried starting over and it doesn't work. Moving to CO didn't help, moving to VA didn't work, moving to NC didn't make things better, and moving back to CO didn't change anything. It doesn't matter what i do, i'm still helpless in the dark. I can't turn my back on God and i can't make Him listen to me. A part of me thinks: if nine years of prayer didn't work, why will ten? I gave up all my hopes and dreams, i did "learn to love the dreams that He has dreamed for me" (I Will Listen, Twila Paris), so why won't He fulfill those dreams? If He doesn't want me to be here then i wish He would move me. If He does want me here i wish He would comfort me, talk to me, use me. So many other people are praying for me, too, why should their prayers go unanswered, too?

I'm not trying to wallow in self pity, or be lazy, i'm humble, i want to be used, i want to work, i want to be blessed and encouraged so i can encourage others. But the encouragements people try to give me seem so hollow now; telling myself the same thing for six years straight (almost seven) has not made it any more true, irs made it less because it still hasn't come true. I hope it hasn't made it less true, but how can i know? Every time i put my hope in God He pushes farther away, farther down.

If He doesn't want me, who does? I've become a fool for Him. I'm twenty-four, single, a virgin's virgin, living with my parents, virtually unemployed, high school dropout, finally going to a state college (when i should have already graduated), can't get cast, can't get to Denver or Las Vegas for an audition, can't get anyone to read her blog without being insulted, can't finish writing a story or book or get published, can't get her wisdom teeth out, can't get contacts or a new pair of glasses, can't lose weight, geeky, lost, loser. I have a snowboard but can't buy gas to get to the slope. I have a car but i can't get its title so i can't get it registered. I probably won't be able to get a job at Powderhorn even if i try.

I just feel like Satan is winning with the whole world. Even if it is a lie... God doesn't talk to me, He doesn't bind Satan, He doesn't do anything that i can see. I'm blind and deaf in the dark, straining to see a flicker, straining to hear a whisper, and the silent dark bears down on me, drowning me. What's so wrong with being depressed when you give everything you have and you're still just out of luck? Not that i believe in luck, but you know what i'm trying to say. (Like anyone is going to read this.)

I feel like i don't exist. I feel like the world is fake, that it exists only to spite me. But i can't not trust God, i can't get out of this myself, i'd be a fool not to go to Him on my knees anyway. He gave everything for me, so i have to do the same, right?

But worst of all, i feel like this hurts my witness. Why would anyone want to be a Christian after reading about what i've been through? Earth seems so much realer than heaven to a lost soul, and i have hell on earth (what is hell if it isn't separation from God?). Why would they want that? Why would they want to be like me? I try to read His Word, and i believe His promises, and i weep because they aren't coming true, being fulfilled, or real in my life anymore. Will they ever be true again? It's hard to remember anything but the dark.

I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be ineffectual. But people don't see me. God ignores me. There's nothing i can do. I can't find Him, run to Him, hear Him. I wait, but i hate it, i hate waiting. How am i to comfort others if the prophecies He gave me don't come true (1 Corinthians 14:1-3)? How am i to love others when the greatest love of my life has been lost? I am helpless without Him, and i refuse to seek help in anyone or anything else. So what in the world am i supposed to do?

the Penultimate Peril

Who knew that would be the title? Anyways, i can't buy it (SoUE #12) until Thursday, so i'll have to wonder about what happens a little while longer... Except for the fact that, because i did all the activities at the site, i now get to read the first chapter. (: Please excuse me for five to ten minutes...

i don't even remember how i found 43 Things...

...but i’ve really enjoyed it. People encourage me in ways that i’ve needed a lot lately, and posting her has helped me focus on my goals and loving myself the way i am. I think i’m going to stick with it and (hopefully) watch my dreams unfold.

See more progress on: Try out 43 Things

online games

Right now i'm like addicted to Cubis 2 and Mozaki Blocks. I didn't have any school today (well, yesterday, now) and so i spent the whole day doing nothing. I have been so stressed out and had to hurry all over the place and i'm sick of it. I can't wait for snowboarding to start and next semester (of course, by the time next semester gets here i'm going to be all stressed about that, too).

issues

i've finally got some up, though the page is far from done

interesting post

Searching for knitting blogs of note, i came upon this post: Food for Thought: Gratitude. Incidently, i didn't realize that there would be so many liberal anti-Bush knitters out there. Oh, and i hope you like my new moon phase thingee.

(:

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

yep

You Are 55% Left Brained, 45% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

sorry!

You Are Very Honest

You tell it like it is, no matter what. Even if the truth hurts, you'll dish it out. And while some may get hurt by your honesty... At least everyone knows where you stand!

How Honest Are You?

i know, but i'm not tired, and i don't have school today!

Your Geek Profile:

SciFi Geekiness: Highest

Movie Geekiness: High

Academic Geekiness: Moderate

Geekiness in Love: Moderate

Fashion Geekiness: Low

Gamer Geekiness: Low

General Geekiness: Low

Music Geekiness: Low

Internet Geekiness: None

How Geeky Are You?

i guess so

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

How Do You Live Your Life?

whee!!!

Your Summer Ride is a Beetle Convertible

Fun, funky, and a little bit euro. You love your summers to be full of style and sun!

What's Your Summer Ride?

yeah, i guess that's me

Your Blog Should Be Red

Your blog is full of intensity and passion. You are very opinionated - and people love or hate you for it. You have the potential to be both a famous and infamous blogger.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

no, i'm 100% weird, and proud of it!

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

hmm....

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Yum

Snickers

Nutty and gooey - you always satisfy.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Wow, i'm amazed!

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

heehee hair!

Your Hair Should Be Red

Passionate, fiery, and sassy. You're a total smart aleck who's got the biggest personality around.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind. You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

I couldn't decide on some of the questions, so i did it twice. (:

editing

I have way too many red buttons here on the right! It just seems strange to see much red. I do like dark red, burgundy, brick red, etc., but blue is still my predominant color, followed lately by orange. Hey, they're the compliments of each other, and they go well with my hair (which was dyed red but has faded to orange).

Is it really after midnight already?

This is the second to last ordeal...

That's the secret message i uncovered at the Nameless Novel, which means that there will be thirteen books in the Series of Unfortunate Events as i thought i had read. Monday's clue is a page full of V.F.D. acronyms save one statement inserted near the end of the list... the Dastardly Denoument. Time will tell... (that is, we'll find out on Tuesday).

Elizabethtown

Just got back from the 7:00 showing. It was good: not great, but not bad, either. It was really funny. I didn't feel like it lagged. But at times i was just plain annoyed with the characters. Drew and Claire really clicked but they both acted like they could never be together. Drew was really hung up on his billion dollar failure, which i guess i get, but at least he had a chance to try, at least he had been successful for a while, at least he could start over (with a new love, no less!). Watching this movie made me happy to be me, to be pissed off and hopeful all at once (not that it really makes sense, but there it is). I like who i am, i like where God's put me even though in some ways i don't: that's such a contradiction. Anyways, i'm just eager to see where God wants me because i really have no clue at the moment. But i want to start being myself more and stop letting others keep pushing me down. Maybe i'm getting another wind.

sisters

what i'm knitting ~ PoA Scarf (1/3 of the way done now)
what i'm reading ~ The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein

I just passed these two sisters who i'm in chorus with and they're so nice and always smiling and always together. I don't know if they have classes together (besides chorus) but they apparently have classes at the same time. After saying hello and being complimented on my knitting (: we parted ways and i began to wonder if they ever get tired of being together. Do sisters usually get tired of being together when they hang out a lot? I don't remember ever being tired of my sister, but then she may feel differently.

This past Tuesday on the Amazing Race the Weaver family was really stressing out during a bus ride. It was kind of funny that they were complaining so much because everyone had to ride the bus and they were with three other teams. After eating at the Waffle House they decided to suck it up and stop complaining. The two sisters were dancing in the parking lot and everyone thought they had flipped out. It made me laugh because that's exactly what Megan and i would be doing the entire trip! If i could go on the Race with anyone i'd want it to be her but i don't think that's going to happen because she's a mom now. But people would think we were crazy because we act crazy like that all the time when we're together. For instance we went to Hanging Lake over Labor Day weekend with a friend of hers and had so much fun quoting Monty Python, speaking with phony accents, and generally being silly, that we totally embarrassed her friend (who is rather quiet and embarrasses easily in the first place). That's just the way we are. (:

But back to the Amazing Race: would the Paolo family be eliminated already? They complain and argue ALL THE TIME and it's driving me crazy. Every week, the team i'm rooting for gets kicked off, and still there they are whining. Ugh.

The Counterfeit Concierge? or The Horrible Hotel?

I've been visiting the Nameless Novel website every few days and finding clues about the name of the next book in the Series of Unfortunate Events. I've got three squares left of the cover, but it doesn't actually have the title portion included. I won't have to wait much longer, though: the book comes out Tuesday. Anyways, the puzzles i've had to solve have been pretty interesting. For instance, a little info about the real Murphy's Law.

Me gusta el frio.

what i'm knitting ~ GoF scarf still (second set of trapped bars completed)
what i'm listening to ~ Eragon (read by someone who does a dreadful Saphira) and The Magicians Nephew read by Kenneth Branagh
what i'm reading ~ reviewing for my Spanish midterm

I am a bit under the weather. It could be a lot worse. It's just a cold with congestion, sneezing, and barely any coughing or sore throat. No fever. I'm tired. But the thing is, Women's Chorus performs on Thursday. How's that for timing?

I had a good weekend though. I'm doing some sewing and fixing up my room to a livable condition. It's finally starting to get cold out! There's snow on the Mesa and i saw Orion the other night for the first time this fall. Thanksgiving and Christmas will be upon us before we know it.

interview and Godspell

what i'm knitting ~ PoA Gryffindor scarf
what i'm listening to ~ just finished the Grim Grotto as read by Tim Curry
what i'm reading ~ Proof by David Auburn
what i'm writing ~ um... simple sentences in Spanish

It was a long day. I went to an interview at Chick-fil-A that went reasonably well. It didn't seem to go any better or worse than any other interview but they left a message on my phone when i couldn't answer it. I'm a bit torn about whether or not i want to work there; the plan was to work at Powderhorn but maybe gas will cost too much. Anyways, i have bad memories of the day that i turned in the application. Perhaps they want to schedule another interview? But i don't want to get optimistic as i'm unsure if i want another job at the moment (though some more money would be appreciated).

I ushered at Godspell tonight and as such am exhausted. Chris Coon is incredible. I mean, the whole musical was extremely well acted, but he just blew me away. He's a sophomore like me but he was in like five shows last year. I was a dresser for one show and that's it. I got tons of compliments on my hair tonight. Some people from As You Like It noticed even! I didn't even know that they knew that i existed. Of course then Rachel (one of the girls who i helped change) didn't even notice me, but complete strangers were complimenting me. Brittany says i'm much more confident now that my hair is short. I don't know about that, but it feels good to be complimented so much, particularly since the scale said that i had gained some of that weight back. I'm sure that it didn't hurt that i couldn't stop smiling before or after the show, either.

I'm still stressed about school (Physics and Acting mostly) though glad that Health/Wellness is about to end. Maybe i should start going to gym at that time? Can i handle this much stuff at once? School, two jobs, and the gym? Seems pretty unbelievable. I don't know if i should thank God or turn tail and run.

life verse

But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Here there is no conflict with the law.
~ Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT)

burnt out

I've gotten to one of those places where i'm so tired that i don't want to try anymore. I'm not depressed, i'm just fed up and discouraged. And yet i don't really feel anything anymore. I've been trying really hard to make things work since school started; i don't know how i'm holding on, but i am. College is stressful because most teachers act like their class is the only one you're taking. The professors in the acting department have unreasonable demands; their excuse? "That's the way it is in real life," and in the real industry. So perpetuating a cycle that you didn't start is a valid excuse now?

I know that i'm being negative and i don't want to be. I don't want to curse anymore, either. Every day i'm surrounded by it, so i've gotten used to it, but i don't want to compromise anymore. I want to be pure, and have more faith, and love. I want to change the industry and i can't do that if i compromise. I don't know how to be anybody else though. I don't know how to be the woman God wants me to be or who God wants me to be.

At church this week the pastor said if you take one step to God He'll meet you but i don't know how to take a step towards God anymore. Where's God? I can't find Him. I know that i don't have enough faith, i don't know how this could be true and there can still be a God, but when i talk to God i don't hear Him answer, when i cry out for help i don't feel Him comforting me. I know that my life could be a lot worse from a physical standpoint but to me there can be nothing worse because i don't have Him anymore. I know He's here with me, i know Satan is lying to me, but at the same time... Why doesn't He show me His will? Why doesn't He show me how to be more like Him? It feels like He's trying to push me away, that He doesn't care, but i know that isn't true... and yet it is.

I didn't let go of God, but i can't find Him either. I can't run towards Him because i don't know where He is. I can't take a step because it's like i'm in a cage that i can't escape. I know God can save me, i know He can unlock the bars, i know He can be the wind beneath my wings, so why won't He do those things? What have i done wrong? I didn't do some heinous sin, i've always tried to live my life for Him and do everything He wants. So what am i doing wrong?

I hate going in circles like this. I'm trying to be strong, hang in there, all the same stuff, but i've been doing this a long time: six years, nine months, twenty-three days. How long do i have to wait? I don't feel like i'm growing patience, i feel like i'm dying. I want to be like God, i want to display the fruit of the Spirit, and instead i'm failing.

On 43 Things someone commented today that i shouldn't be in a hurry to marry and have kids. She said i'm in the best days of my life, that i should be making money and advancing a career, that she envies me. She says i should also take two years to get to know a man before i marry him (great, just what i need, more wait). But all those things she says i could do (backpacking, going out for drinks on a whim, etc.) i can't do because i'm poor. I don't want a career; i want to get married and have kids and raise them in the Lord. Forget doing the career thing, that's not what i want (i want to have it all but it seems impossible, so i'd rather just have the family). The only reason i want to act is because God told me that it's what He wants me to do.

Still, i know i'm looking for a guy for the wrong reasons right now, i'm looking for comfort and security and passion that i'm not finding in God anymore. So that's why i'm not in a relationship. A man can't solve my problems. That's also the reason i'm not sure i should go into the military. I love my country, would die for it if need be, but the real reason i would be doing it is financial security and that is not relying on God.

The simple truth is that there's nothing i can do on my own. I'm helpless. I've tried everything. Trying to do more will be a waste of time if God still wants me where i am, down and dependent on Him while He's doing whatever He's doing (i'm obviously not in on it). And i hate this. I want to be happy, i want to be full of life, i want to be content with where God has put me, but how can i be when He's absent?

Depression is a waste of time. I don't know how to pray any harder or any more. I can't fully describe what i'm going through without using foul language so i'll sign off.

life verses

He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak.
~ Isaiah 40:29 (NLT)

God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it.
~ John 3:17 (NLT)

I'm really tired. It seems like no matter how long i sleep it isn't enough. ):

life verse

God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.
~ Matthew 5:8 (NLT)

Good night. (:

goals and prayer requests

i joined 43 things today (well, yesterday now). i'm not sure that i like it very well. i'm thinking about starting a new blog with prayer requests and goals; i haven't decided yet.

Praise: i've got an awesome snowboard (even if there is a hang up with the bindings).
Request: i would love to be able to buy the Suzuki V-Strom DL-650 in blue. It reportedly gets 50 mpg. Plus it's a pretty motorcycle that i think i could handle (unlike the DL-1000, which i've been pining after for a couple of years now).

what i'm knitting ~ finally adding a visor to my sis' hat and working on my HP SS scarf again

Is it just me, or is it really ironic that a Jessica Alba movie is premiering the same weekend as Serenity? I'm sure none of you are probably aware that i don't care for Joss Whedon's work and was upset when Fox gave Dark Angel the ax in favor of Firefly (which flopped as i predicted).

I cannot believe that it is already October; this year is three-fourths of the way through.

weight loss update

I meant to post earlier (but forgot then had technical difficulties) that i weighed myself yesterday and discovered that i've lost thirty-four pounds since the beginning of the school year. I haven't weighed so little in a couple of years and find this very surprising as i find it impossible to lose weight as a rule and am too busy to go to the gym. I have about fifteen more pounds until i reach my Christmas goal (i wanted to reach a certain weight by Christmas, then lose more on the slopes). Time will tell whether or not this weight loss trend will continue.

The U.S. version of the trailer is at the official Gof website, too.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire previews

Two different previews for the movie version of my favorite book in the series... Yeah, i'm starting to get excited. The UK one gave me chills especially and thankfully the Hedwig's Theme is in tact. Less than two months away now!

AOL US version
HPANA UK version

life verses

Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity?...I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love.
~ Romans 8:35, 38 (NLT)

contemplation

what i'm knitting ~ just finished my beanie visor
what i'm listening to ~ Phenomenon by Thousand Foot Krutch

So i finally got my snowboard payed off and put it in the back of my car and as i had time to kill before work i tried putting the boots in the bindings (which i hadn't done yet)... it turns out that my bindings are too narrow for my boots and i have to wait for Gene Taylor's to get large bindings in. Annoying, but they're willing to work with me. I may have to pay more, but at least i have time to get some money together as they won't be getting more bindings in for a couple of weeks.

I was listening to Rush today and really miss hearing him. Right now i'm actually intrigued by Boortz and a bit bored with Hannity and Beck. Savage annoys me to no end. But there was a caller today (i only caught the end of the call) that said he didn't understand how Republicans can be pro-life but also pro-death penalty. Rush said he wasn't going to argue with idiocy because he believed his audience was smart enough to recognize stupidity when they hear it. Later a woman called in saying she really got irritated at that caller and Rush explained a bit, the same stuff that i believe about Life, Liberty, the Pursuit of Happiness, and Due Process. He said that if someone dies from the death penalty that they've been convicted by multiple juries/have had at least seventeen years to appeal and have been repeatedly been found guilty. Murderers don't respect life and being killed is a just punishment in his opinion. Which i've always agreed with because capital punishment is Biblical.

But i've just been thinking a lot lately about how defensive i am. If someone disagrees with me i really slam them hard (as evidenced by the latest comment). Rush was saying that liberals think that they understand conservatives, that they have a clear but false view of what we're about. That was really apparent in that one comment. The thought they knew me, were forcing words into my mouth, and they didn't understand what i was saying at all. So i'm going to have a page that outlines how i feel about the issues and i'm going to try to stop responding to idiocy like that. He's never going to read my response or listen to what i was saying, right? And i want to try to respect differences in opinion; i have several friends who have different political beliefs than i do and it's no big deal, we agree to disagree.

Anyways, i don't want to be supportive of Bush without calling him on stuff that i disagree with but at the same time i'm sick of being pessimistic all the time. Once upon a time i was the eternal optimist but right now i'm trying to find a balance. I'm upset that Bush is expanding government in regards to hurricane relief but i can't say i'm surprised. A bit burnt out right now, trying to regroup. Still, wanted to mention this article that i read briefly: U.N. Wants $845 Billion From U.S. Gotta go to my physics lab.

oh, btw

I have lost about 20 pounds since starting school (probably because i never get to eat lunch and i'm always lugging around 30 lbs. of books). I haven't talked about Mr. Roberts yet but from what i've heard he's the man for the job. Sekulow endorsed him on the radio today so i guess that's good enough for me. I wish i had time to investigate everything for myself but i am, after all, a college student. I need to review for my next physics quiz (and an upcoming test!) after all...

Good night.

the other guy who commented

Great poet; just my luck, he's married with kids. (; I used to live in Charlotte, NC, which is funny, too. I hope that he and family will be safe with Hurricane Ophelia (i'm not sure where it's hitting, but it's near the NC/SC border i believe, which is where i've been to the beach on the east coast ironically enough).

i'm not perfect

God's still working on me

i just want to be real

to be whoever He wants me to be

trying to cool down...

I'll admit, i've been on edge lately. School has been hard; i'm glad to be going but there's been a lot of homework and physics in particular is giving me a lot of grief. The situation at home has been tense. It seems like every time i try to rise above it all someone or something insists on pulling me down.

I'm not depressed anymore. I don't have time to be depressed. I hate when people act like feeling emotion is a bad thing because it's natural, it's the way God wants us to be, and i don't feel it anymore. Each day it's clear that all i can do is trust God, but the things that used to bother me don't anymore because i'm just hollow now. I've decided to trust him and ignore the junk that Satan is throwing at me, but i'm tired of keeping silent when i hear lies, and i'm not going to let people pull me down anymore. I don't want to roll over and take it anymore so i'm going to fly whether anyone likes it or not.

I know that i offend some people. How am i supposed to care about that when no one cares if they walk all over me? I'm living for God alone and if you don't like it then it's your problem. I worry about coming off too harsh and angry but i'm also sick of the lies that i see being perpetuated. The junk that guy wrote in response to my e-mail is the same stuff that i've heard liberals call in to Rush for years and he always takes them down a notch. I guess he's rubbed off on me.

I think for myself. I believe strongly. Certain members of my family recently told me that i'm a "Drama Queen" whose mentality is "the sky is falling" one moment and "everything is perfect" the next (a la The Complex Infrastructure known as the Female Mind according to Relient K). I agree to a certain extent. My lows are low, my highs are high, I "think <my> life is over and <my> life has just begun in a span of ten minutes", but i'm not like that lately. My life has been over and yet just begun ever since i was born. This is normal for me now. I'm holding in there even though i know i don't have the strength to hold on anymore. I'm not in the depths of despair because i'm trusting in God, i know He'll pull me through. So i hold on.

But in many ways i'm not the Drama Queen. I don't talk with my hands, i'm not surrounded by girlfriends, i don't overuse exclamation points (in fact, i avoid them), and sometimes okay is just okay. I know my family thinks i exaggerate and whine way too much but i don't see it; yet at the same time what i've gone through feels like it could never be put into words because words aren't enough. So everyone else will now think i'm exaggerating and whining even more, but none of you have been where i am. Yeah, i get really happy sometimes, and i try to encourage others, but my happiness doesn't revolve around any guy (but God) and i can't cry at the drop of a hat.

I feel like i talk too much, but i think i do it because no one ever listens to a thing i say (and then of course they come back to me whining and never realize that it all could have been avoided if they would have just taken a few seconds to listen). I'm not bereft if i'm not the center of attention, but it hurts that people avoid me. Even my family does this: i'll save seats for everyone and they'll go and sit somewhere else. Or i'll go move to sit beside some people and they ignore me, then leave to sit elsewhere. Why is it always like that?

I can't rely on people. If i do they only let me down, it always happens. I give so much and they eventually dump me. People hide stuff from me as if i'll judge them when all i want to do is help. So i struggle to trust people but i think i've lost the ability somewhere. For a while i felt like i couldn't even trust God so how could i trust anyone else? And this scares me the most: how am i supposed to ever act or fall in love if i won't let myself trust anyone?

I'm trying so hard to get out of this place but sometimes i feel like i can't get any breaks. I don't want to go into it right now, don't know if i should share it, cuz i'm afraid that i'm going to hurt some people that i don't want to hurt. At the same time they hurt me.

The biggest reason i'm a Drama Queen is that i know that i'm going to act someday, that it's "my destiny." I knew it when i was three and ignored it for ten years, and now i've been praying about it for ten more. I never asked for this, but God planted the seed in my heart, He's promised it to me, and i know that He'll keep His promise. I can only prophesy about things that seem silly, foolish, but the Bible says that the gift of prophecy is given so one can encourage others. That's what i want to do more than anything else. If i can get through this then i know God can do anything (which i know anyway but this will be proof).

I know i'm not making much sense tonight; i'm too tired to make sense. I'm not a journalist, i'm just a girl who's trying to get through her baggage and quest in one piece. Again, i didn't ask for this: i'm just trying to serve God in the way He's asked me to. I don't know where He'll lead me. Do you think i expected to be living at home at twenty-three (almost twenty-four) and find herself out of control in every way? I can't control my weight, my past, my present, my future, and that's scary... I don't like being out of control, i don't like stopping for directions. I want to walk on water, move mountains, stop it from raining, etc. People don't expect God to do that stuff anymore, but i do. I know, i'm weird, crazy, a fool, but how am i supposed to be someone else??? It's God who's molding me, and like i said, if you don't like that deal: you'll have to take it up with the Big Guy (and i don't mean Hurley).

I'm stuck here so i'm trying to make the best of it. It isn't easy, but what fun would an easy life be? God has a sense of humor, don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Right now i just wish He would let me in on the joke.

Still waiting on Him...

re: yeah, i'm going to respond

Okay, so i finally got some comments. I admit, my post was pretty strongly worded. When someone tries to discredit the importance of my spiritual and political beliefs as inferior i get worked up. I want to try to make some sense of one of the comments that was made because it was confusing. Italics are the comment, quotations being what i wrote in my last post, bold what Moore said.

"I don't know anything about Brown, but i imagine that overseeing a large horse show is pretty complicated."

Exactly, despite the fact that Brown just quit being FEMA director, being a horse show director definitely qualifies anyone to be large-scale distaster prevention/relief coordinator for the entire country. Doesn't it?

I wasn't saying that just because Brown directed horse shows made him a good or bad FEMA director, i'm saying that the experience wasn't bad and couldn't have hurt. We all learn from our past experiences and i think that directing horse shows isn't the only thing he did so it's stupid to act like it is his only qualification. I still haven't been shown any evidence that Katrina is Brown's fault and i don't think that any government agency is responsible for my safety whether that's why it exists or not.

"Those labels are who i am. If i put them aside i cease to be myself and will become a closed-minded Democrat/liberal/lost/communist/cigar-mouth/left-winger."

Yes! I've got labels too. Without labels I apply to myself I wouldn't know who I was!

No, without labels you wouldn't be anyone, you'd be devoid of form or character. Labels are something we all have, whether we want them or not, because without a label you're no one, you have no substance. I know who i am, the label is how i define it for others to understand. This is something everyone learns instinctively before they go to preschool.

"The threat was there. I remember CNN reporting that Iraqi troops were dumping chemical weapons into the rivers as they fled."

Quite true. Saddam Hussein was an IMMINENT threat. He was going to be hurling those chemical weapons at us any time. It definitely warranted a full-scale invasion that we're still involved in! Hear-hear!

He was an imminent threat to our allies... Which is beside the point because we didn't go to war about an "imminent" threat but one that would become imminent if we failed to act soon (which is why it was called a "pre-emptive strike", imagine that).

"Do you really believe that turning over important government services to private corporations has resulted in better services for the people?

Yes."

When the entire WORLD is run by private corporations, and all environmental, human health, and humanitarian protections are removed and the wealthy minority have complete control, that's when things will start getting BETTER for everyone! I agree!

So everyone who owns a private corporation is anti-enviremont, anti-human health, and anti-humanitarian protections... Environmental organizations are going against their beliefs that the environment needs to be saved, CEOs want to destroy their own health and die prematurely, and humanitarian organizations really have it in for all of us. How would any of us function if that were true?

"I don't expect FEMA to save me (i don't believe that is the federal government's purpose) and Clinton was the one cutting funding to the military (which i do believe was bad)."

I think all government social services should be completely gutted and privatized. This allows just a select few who were born into wealth to have access to education and proper health care. Only the rich should afford it!

Oh yeah, we should all support President Bush's decision to gut funding from our war Veterans benefits! Once our armed men & women (mostly from the nasty inner-cities anyway) have bled and died for our country, we should feel no responsibility to support them afterwards. Let one of our corporations making great money from the war take care of them! I feel that was the best move by Bush.

Health care fortunately isn't federalized, the education system doesn't work, and the social services keeps people in poverty and/or takes away the rights they are guarenteed in the Bill of Rights. If you study our founding fathers you know that they didn't want the government to be in charge of any of those things. If the government weren't controlling so many of these things we would all be better off because people in power don't care about their constituents as much as they care about getting more power.

Bush isn't solely responsible for cutting veterans' benefits, that's been happening for at least the twelve years or so that i've been following the news. The poor aren't the only ones who serve the country, the rich do, too. Most corperations suffer because of war, not benefit.

"Yes, they (tax cuts for the rich) are a good idea. I'm a conservative, so i know that it's better for citizens to make donations than the government to pay for it (oh, that's us, too, only i don't have the money right now to pay for it, which is why i'm not making donations, as much as i'd like to)."

Me too! I'm conservative, so that means I believe that, um wait. Only the rich can donate? What if I'm rich and I don't want to donate? If I'm rich would I have to help prevent disasters from happening, like emergency preparedness? Or should I only wait til the disasters happen and THEN donate?

Huh? You aren't making any sense. I've been talking about how fellow students have been donating, how was i not clear about that? What does that have to do with the rich giving, too? It's not the rich's responsibility to pay for other peoples' mistakes any more than it's the taxpayers' responsibility. And as i have outlined before, it was only in New Orleans that people weren't helping each other, in all the other areas they came together and were safe. Stop digging a hole for yourself and get a clue!

"Take a look around and what do you see? Everyone is helping the victims, in all 50 states there are refugees. People are taking refugees into their homes, helping them find jobs, feeding and clothing them, and helping them start over: We the People, not the government."

Yes, exactly, pro-active planning by qualified engineers is a WASTE OF TIME. We should definitely wait til the disasters happen, or better yet, ENCOURAGE the disasters to be worse when they actually happen. Then wait for our wealthy benefactors to bail everyone out!

One can never plan for all the contigencies, but i still think that the mayor and governor should have stuck to the plan, and that's all on them. Bush told them to stick to the plan and they ignored him so it's their bad, not his. And the entire point i've been trying to make is it's not up to anyone to bail us out, one should be self sufficient and stop whining because they have to act like an adult and take care of oneself instead of expecting everyone else in the country who pays taxes to support one for their entire life.

"It doesn't bother me to be laughed at. I've always been a social outcast, but i'd rather face the truth and be true to who i am--who God made me--than conform."

Well, outside of me being a social outcast too...um yeah, well...we should screw all other countries and foreigners anyway! The U.S.A. is an island to itself and we SHOULD take the vast majority of the world's resources from the rest of the world.

What in the world does that have to do with Katrina? Are you insinuating that i am saying that? You sound like an idiot.

"We are vulnerable because welfare keeps people in poverty (which, btw, their poverty is positively rich compared to most of the world). I do not accept education, because public education doesn't work and i don't think there's a thing the federal government can do about it. Health coverage is not the responsibility of the government, but the empoyers, who often cannot afford to provide it because of frivolous lawsuits and high taxes and the raise of minimum wage (as in certain areas of CA)."

As I stated before, our country will DEFINITELY benefit from a large seperation between the wealthy and the poor. Get rid of the middle class! Send those jobs overseas. The poor will slowly, morally, disintegrate and only be in those God-forsaken city centers, and all us white folks will move out of town with taller and taller fences!

Which, as i stated before, is being caused by welfare, not helped by it. Pay attention and try to keep up. Stop insinuating that i am against the middle class (which my family and the majority of this country is a part of). Stop hating the rich because they've worked harder than you and made a success of themselves.

And health care? That should be in the power of the big pharmaceutical companies--the way its going now! Just look at all the great money they are making by ensuring everyone is on some type of medication that they never really needed! What a business plan! More power to em'. Maybe I should work for a major pharmaceutical company, hmm...

Well the government certainly isn't right about health care all of the time and they have no right to tell me what to do with my body! Didn't an FDA approved drug just get recalled recently...? And i'm totally against medicating people who don't need it (which is why i refuse to take meds for my "depression" that's supposedly incurable otherwise) and stop trying to insinuate things that aren't true.

"I feel safe because i know i have the Constitutional right to own a firearm and defend myself. I feel safe because i can think for myself. I feel safe because the military is taking down tyrants."

That's right! Taller fences and walls. Everyone's got guns! No one trusts anyone. Hell, I don't trust anyone now, that fits social outcasts like me just fine! That's the world I want to live in, I'm looking forward to that! Hell, and someone "learned" said I need to see a therapist and take care of myself, LOL!

Can you make any less sense? How am i supposed to respond to someone who won't even discuss something logically, reasonably, and on the topic? FYI, just because someone owns a gun and would rather be themselves than conform and/or follow their leader off a cliff doesn't mean they have a "me against the world" mentality (as you seem to) or are inherently dangerous.

"I voted for Bush; it was better than the alternative. Bush surrounds himself with people who are more experienced than him,"

Damn right. Kerry (like McCain) only volunteered and 'fought' in the Vietnam war, was top of his class, was behind many political endeavors, is an intellectual, and wanted to give power back to the middle class. Kerry didn't get a free ride to Yale like Bush, who did nothing in college except party it up in his fraternity, find jesus, and exploit all good conservative christians everyhere by becoming THEIR President! Man, this makes my heart swell up with American Pride!

I was unaware that Bush had a free ride, but that's something a lot of students have. Not me, but then i'm not living my ideals completely: i'm going to college partially because the federal government is paying for it and i don't want to take out a larger student loan. Besides, Bush's military record is not applicable here and was already dealt with on this blog months ago.

And what's wrong with the people who ole' GWB surrounds himself with? They're ex-oil & gas and weapons tycoons who have a worldwide business agenda, none of whom has ever served in active duty. Except for our God-given Rumsfeld, who taught flying lessons in the Air Force! Good for him! These wealthy types serve our country better by avoiding fighting themselves (via AWOL and rich Dad's) and make our other (less worthy) fellas do it for em'.

None of them served in the military? Why is that applicable to this topic? Are you only smart if you've served in the military? Are you only good at what you do if you've served in the military?

So Luinel, I totally 100% agree! That's why I voted for George Bush as my President in 2000 & 2005. It's just too hard to think about things too deeply doin' it any other way! Thanks for your response!

Chris in Corvallis, OR

You voted for Bush in 2005? That was a bit late, wasn't it? You haven't thought about things deeply, you're repeating the b.s. lies that lots of liberals do instead of being intellectually honest. Thanks for being so hateful towards your namesake, too, and obviously oblivious to what He taught.

still shining,
Kristine Senko

yeah, i'm going to respond

what i'm knitting ~ my beanie visor
what i'm reading ~ To All My Fellow Americans Who Voted for George W. Bush by Michael Moore
what i'm writing ~ my response

This came to my attention because a member of one of my Yahoo groups posted it. I only mention it because i feel obligated to respond. I try not to pay attention to Michael Moore, though i would like to see Fahrenheit 9/11 some time so i can judge it for myself. His words will be in italics, mine not.

To All My Fellow Americans Who Voted for George W. Bush:

On this, the fourth anniversary of 9/11, I'm just curious, how does it feel?

How does it feel to know that the man you elected to lead us after we were attacked went ahead and put a guy in charge of FEMA whose main qualification was that he ran horse shows?

That's right. Horse shows.

I really want to know -- and I ask you this in all sincerity and with all due respect -- how do you feel about the utter contempt Mr. Bush has shown for your safety? C'mon, give me just a moment of honesty. Don't start ranting on about how this disaster in New Orleans was the fault of one of the poorest cities in America. Put aside your hatred of Democrats and liberals and anyone with the last name of Clinton. Just look me in the eye and tell me our President did the right thing after 9/11 by naming a horse show runner as the top man to protect us in case of an emergency or catastrophe.

How do i feel? Do i truly feel safe because of what the government has done since 9/11? Of course not! I know i will never feel safe again. America will never be completely safe and never really was, we just felt that way. Any sense of security we have ever had was false. But we grew up, and if we want to go back to a time where we felt safe (like a child feels safe in the company of their parents) we will only be burying our heads in the sand. The federal government is not your parents! I'm an adult, i face the facts. The 9/11 Commission didn't do anything productive. Our borders are still open and if we close them completely and don't allow anyone to come in we lose part of what makes America great. And i'm not stupid enough to expect the president to come help me if i'm rendered homeless by any catastrophe.

I don't know anything about Brown, but i imagine that overseeing a large horse show is pretty complicated. He shouldn't have been expected to save the people of New Orleans.

I want you to put aside your self-affixed label of Republican/conservative/born-again/capitalist/ditto-head/right-winger and just talk to me as an American, on the common ground we both call America.

This is just moronic. Those labels are who i am. If i put them aside i cease to be myself and will become a closed-minded Democrat/liberal/lost/communist/cigar-mouth/left-winger. If you want to be that it's your perrogative, we're all free to believe or say whatever we want (thanks to the Constitution), but taking off those labels won't give us common ground, it would be equivalent to him brainwashing me.

Are we safer now than before 9/11? When you learn that behind the horse show runner, the #2 and #3 men in charge of emergency preparedness have zero experience in emergency preparedness, do you think we are safer?

When you look at Michael Chertoff, the head of Homeland Security, a man with little experience in national security, do you feel secure?

When men who never served in the military and have never seen young men die in battle send our young people off to war, do you think they know how to conduct a war? Do they know what it means to have your legs blown off for a threat that was never there?

The threat was there. I remember CNN reporting that Iraqi troops were dumping chemical weapons into the rivers as they fled. Last time i checked, chemical weapons are considered to be a Weapon of Mass Destruction and Saddam Hussein was not supposed to have any. Maybe he couldn't have attacked us yet, but he wanted to, and he wanted us to think he could. Get that through your skull already.

Do you really believe that turning over important government services to private corporations has resulted in better services for the people?

Yes.

Why do you hate our federal government so much? You have voted for politicians for the past 25 years whose main goal has been to de-fund the federal government. Do you think that cutting federal programs like FEMA and the Army Corps of Engineers has been good or bad for America? GOOD OR BAD?

I don't expect FEMA to save me (i don't believe that is the federal government's purpose) and Clinton was the one cutting funding to the military (which i do believe was bad).

With the nation's debt at an all-time high, do you think tax cuts for the rich are still a good idea? Will you give yours back so hundreds of thousands of homeless in New Orleans can have a home?

Yes, they are a good idea. I'm a conservative, so i know that it's better for citizens to make donations than the government to pay for it (oh, that's us, too, only i don't have the money right now to pay for it, which is why i'm not making donations, as much as i'd like to).

Do you believe in Jesus? Really? Didn't he say that we would be judged by how we treat the least among us? Hurricane Katrina came in and blew off the facade that we were a nation with liberty and justice for all. The wind howled and the water rose and what was revealed was that the poor in America shall be left to suffer and die while the President of the United States fiddles and tells them to eat cake.

That's not a joke. The day the hurricane hit and the levees broke, Mr. Bush, John McCain and their rich pals were stuffing themselves with cake. A full day after the levees broke (the same levees whose repair funding he had cut), Mr. Bush was playing a guitar some country singer gave him. All this while New Orleans sank under water.

It would take ANOTHER day before the President would do a flyover in his jumbo jet, peeking out the window at the misery 2500 feet below him as he flew back to his second home in DC. It would then be TWO MORE DAYS before a trickle of federal aid and troops would arrive. This was no seven minutes in a sitting trance while children read "My Pet Goat" to him. This was FOUR DAYS of doing nothing other than saying "Brownie (FEMA director Michael Brown), you're doing a heck of a job!"

Ugh, this is pathetic. Take a look around and what do you see? Everyone is helping the victims, in all 50 states there are refugees. People are taking refugees into their homes, helping them find jobs, feeding and clothing them, and helping them start over: We the People, not the government.

McCain is not on the same side as Bush, in case you haven't noticed. He's batting for the other team.

President Bush wasn't really on vacation in Texas, he was still working. He told the governor and mayor to evacuate (as the plan told them to) and they ignored him... How is that his fault? And my memory may be wrong, but i seem to remember him promising aid to the victims of this hurricane before it even hit.

My Republican friends, does it bother you that we are the laughing stock of the world?

And on this sacred day of remembrance, do you think we honor or shame those who died on 9/11/01? If we learned nothing and find ourselves today every bit as vulnerable and unprepared as we were on that bright sunny morning, then did the 3,000 die in vain?

It doesn't bother me to be laughed at. I've always been a social outcast, but i'd rather face the truth and be true to who i am--who God made me--than conform. And those 3,000 died because madmen killed them, because Clinton didn't act when he had the chance, and that has nothing to do with Bush or Katrina.

Our vulnerability is not just about dealing with terrorists or natural disasters. We are vulnerable and unsafe because we allow one in eight Americans to live in horrible poverty. We accept an education system where one in six children never graduate and most of those who do can't string a coherent sentence together. The middle class can't pay the mortgage or the hospital bills and 45 million have no health coverage whatsoever.

We are vulnerable because welfare keeps people in poverty (which, btw, their poverty is positively rich compared to most of the world). I do not accept education, because public education doesn't work and i don't think there's a thing the federal government can do about it. Health coverage is not the responsibility of the government, but the empoyers, who often cannot afford to provide it because of frivolous lawsuits and high taxes and the raise of minimum wage (as in certain areas of CA).

Are we safe? Do you really feel safe? You can only move so far out and build so many gated communities before the fruit of what you've sown will be crashing through your walls and demanding retribution. Do you really want to wait until that happens? Or is it your hope that if they are left alone long enough to soil themselves and shoot themselves and drown in the filth that fills the street that maybe the problem will somehow go away?

I feel safe because i know i have the Constitutional right to own a firearm and defend myself. I feel safe because i can think for myself. I feel safe because the military is taking down tyrants.

I know you know better. You gave the country and the world a man who wasn't up for the job and all he does is hire people who aren't up for the job. You did this to us, to the world, to the people of New Orleans. Please fix it. Bush is yours. And you know, for our peace and safety and security, this has to be fixed. What do you propose?

I have an idea, and it isn't a horse show.

Yours,

Michael Moore

Yes, i do know better than to believe your b.s. I voted for Bush; it was better than the alternative. Bush surrounds himself with people who are more experienced than him, one bad apple out of hundreds doesn't change that. Bush did not wave a magic wand and cause Katrina to hit New Orleans.

I know he's not perfect. His failure is perpetuating big government as much as he has. What do i propose? I propose we limit the power of the politicians and put it back in the hands of the People where it belongs. I don't know if i'm more Republican or more Libertarian to believe that, but that's my solution. I don't want Michael Moore's ideas, they're stupid.

audition and a movie

Well, my classmate and i had fun making utter fools of ourselves (; but neither of us got called back (big surprise). She wanted to be in the play but i just want to be in West Side Story. Either of us could still be cast in bit parts (we'll find out tomorrow).

Saw Transporter 2 tonight. I really enjoy watching Statham move: it's like Jackie Chan without the comedy. He's really flexible and does the impossible repeatedly. There were a couple of unbelievable moments but overall it was a good action flick. It certainly helped me relax. I was actually a bit sore from rehearsing our scene so much.

oh, now i remember...

As outlined in this article, TPTB didn't know how to evacuate convicts so they just let them go. And they're wondering what's up with all the looting?!? What, did they take stupid pills down there or something? I am sick of people accusing Bush of being the root of all the problems; he certainly didn't cause any of the stuff that i've been hearing about.

ugh, am i still hearing about and responding to that?

I am so glad that it is the weekend. As it is, i probably won't be able to enjoy it.

The first thing i heard this morning is my mother reading aloud a headline that all guns were being taken away from evacuees in Louisiana. It really upset me. I know that some people are getting sick because they aren't evacuating, that there's a lot of looting with stolen weapons, but i sure hope that the people who legally own firearms aren't being disarmed just for defending their home. It's a violation of our second amendment rights.

More news... they're not handing out the $2000 debit cards anymore now that the FEMA director has been canned. Not really a good use of federal funds imho. In true libertarian fashion i believe that all relief should come through charitable donations, not mandatory extraction from the taxpayers' wallets. In choir we found out we could but $25 worth of groceries and mail it for $5 to refugees. I need the $30 to fill my tank up and get to school. Maybe i can make a donation in a couple of weeks, but right now it's all i can do to take care of myself. I feel for the victims, but agree with this article and Neal Boortz in a way (never thought i'd say that of the latter): it's kind of their own fault and many are going to keep perpetuating the vicious cycle. Still, there's definitely some people out there (on the local and state levels) that need to step up and take responsibility for their actions... or lack thereof.

There was something else i wanted to say but now i can't remember what it was. There is way too much noise in this house tonight.

Tomorrow i'm auditioning for Dracula. I don't have to memorize a monologue, i have to do a scene. I'm doing it with a classmate: we're going to do a scene with me as Lucy, her as Mina, then switch parts for her auditon. It's got really gay dialogue and is utterly ridiculous. Fortunately i don't have to memorize it and can do it with the page in front of me because i'm not really in memorizing mode. It will be good to get it over with.

more of same

I think i heard that it's day eleven in the aftermath of Katrina. Apparently there's an article in the Washington Post with new evidence that the levy in New Orleans wasn't being improved upon or upkept, that no money was going to it, and there was (as a result) no way Bush or anyone else could have "diverted funds" away from the project anytime recently.

I am sick of trusting the TV news media and papers for my news, which is why i hardly watch it anymore. Most of the time they don't cover the truth they just spin it the way they want it to be perceived. They obviously had it in for the prez from the beginning of coverage, Democrats are demonstrating, and now it turns out their argument doesn't hold water (lol). Why did they have to politicize it in the first place?

The radio is my largest news source now. I wish i could find some good news blogs.

what i'm knitting ~ getting ready to start on my beanie visor
what i'm listening to ~ The Art of Breaking by Thousand Foot Krutch
what i'm reading ~ Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen (not sure i'm gonna finish it, though)
what i'm writing ~ Fire Angel season two pilot... like it will ever be read

this weekend

Well, no sooner do i decide to ditch Dracula auditions and go to Denver for the American Idol variety when i find out that i don't get paid for another week (i thought i was going to get paid this friday). So i'm stuck here without money for gas, food, etc. So i guess i am going to be auditioning for Dracula after all.

I'm not that disappointed. I prayed and asked God to show me His will and if He doesn't want me to go He doesn't want me to go. I'm not going to get all angsty. I'm in a pretty good mood because i was listening to my discman at practice and then found out that i'm going to be paid more than i thought i was going to get. If i save i should be able to get a new computer before Christmas. That is definitely a plus.

Katrina and the politics thereof

Last night i was surfing knitting sites and was disappointed to find that some of them had strayed to politics and were lying about the President Bush. Now i know that everyone is entitled to their opinion and can believe/write/say whatever they want, but it turned me off that they were so strongly political on their knitting blogs. That's why i have a seperate knitting blog, so no one has to read about my political beliefs when they want to read about knitting.

I was listening to Rush this morning and he said that there was an evacuation plan in place for the people in New Orleans who couldn't get themselves out of the city and that the governor and mayor didn't put it into effect when they should have. With hurricanes over level 3 no one should have been evacuated to sports arenas: they should have all been out of the way hours before the hurricane had landfall. Someone who lives near New Orleans--in another town in the area that's largely conservative--says that where he lives everyone pitched in and no one was caught in the storm because everyone was evacuated as they should have been. This obviously wasn't the case in New Orleans.

I haven't heard about any of this from the regular media, only about the "failure" of New Orleans, and like everyone else have merely been subjected to Democrats droning on and on about how this is all the president's fault. It isn't the federal government's job to rescue you when a storm comes, and it was the local Democrats who failed to act in this case. It makes me sick.

Yesterday morning i was reading Seventeen for the first time in months (my sis' friend had invited us over and had a free subscription). There was a letter where a thirteen year old asked if she and her boyfriend should have sex because they loved each other and it was the next step in their relationship. The response was that it's illegal to have sex before you're sixteen. Now i'm the last one to advocate premarital or teenage sex, but what right does the government have to tell anyone that?!? It's the parents' job to make sure their kids are making the right choices and the government has no business telling anyone what to do sexually ever. This is another case of the government trying to protect people from themselves when it's not their place: they're only supposed to protect us from people who have the intent of hurting others. The government has way too much power right now.