exhausted

i have been feeling particularly overstretched of late. i get up before dawn and come home from work after dark. i then feel obligated to spend time with my family but am so tired and feel like i don't have a life. Overall it's been a pretty good job i guess, but there's a lot of physical labor involved and i am so tired and stiff and sore all the time. i wish i could write more but what else is there to say? It feels like all i do is work!

i don't believe in Guilt Christianity

what i'm knitting ~ Fox inspired visor beanie
what i'm crocheting ~ almost done with the Knit 1 newsboy cap
what i'm listening to ~ just finished the Golden Compass by Phillip Pullman


On Saturday i was working with Angela at Midway and had a lot of fun. I suddenly realized while we were talking why i think i want to pierce my belly button: it's because of my cyst. When i was young i had a purplish ball in the middle of my belly button, a cyst that slowly grew as i aged. I became extremely self conscious about showing my stomach and ashamed of it. I would never have worn a bikini simply because i didn't want anyone seeing it. When i got to be a bit older--i'm not sure how old i was, but i already had breasts, though i know it was before high school--i had it cut off. I was already of the opinion that i was fat (though i now know i wasn't) so i continued to hide my body for several years more. I now long for the confidence to show my stomach, for the ability to lose the fat that i don't want and be able to have a sexy stomach. I've read before that incorporating a scar into a tattoo can boost one's confidence immensely and i think that's how i feel about piercing my belly button. I think that subconciously i want to turn something that has been shameful to me for so long into something attractive, even sexy.

Also on Saturday i began to despair because of my financial situation. I'm going to be working full time but i think that i will still be broke. I want to pay my parents back $2000. I need to pay Megan back the $300 she loaned me. I want to bond my car, buy a new computer, get a new cellphone, and i now am yearning for another toy: an ipod (specifically the one at The Leaky Cauldron shop that includes all six HP books in audio form). I would not be able to survive without the support of my parents and that kills me; i've wanted to support myself since i was fourteen. More than that, i want to be able to support myself in the Los Angeles area.

It's impossible (from a human perspective). I don't want my life to be centered on wanting money and things but how else can one survive in this world? The whole planet seems to flourish or languish on money. My heart is already tainted by the pull of greed. It's not that i want a lot of money, it's that i want a lot of things and comforts. If i had a lot of money i'm sure that i'd give a lot of it away, but i want to keep a lot of it for myself, too. I don't want to depend on anyone for anything (except God). After what i have and am going through i don't see how i ever could forget to thank God for something, to ever be so conceited as to think i don't need Him every moment of every day.

On this note it suddenly became clear why i hate certain e-mail forwards so much. You know the ones i'm talking about, the "pass this on if you love so-and-so" and "if you care forward this" etc., etc. forwards. They always try to (keeping a cheery face) engender guilt in the hearts of their readers. In this cute story so-and-so (entirely fictitious character chances are) forgot to thank God so you must be the same way (shame on you)!

That is not the God i know. God doesn't put guilt on you in order to get you to serve Him more. If one has sinned, He will convict you of it. If you have not sinned then there is no reason to feel guilt, and He doesn't want you to feel guilt anyway. God is love, period. Confessed sin is as far as the east is from the west. I know i don't deserve God. I know i am a lowly sinner. I know i am ugly. But He loves me anyway. He doesn't use guilt to get me to serve Him, He showers me with love. This is why i am so devoted to Him, because He gave the greatest gift, the greatest sacrifice, the greatest expression of His love that is possible. That's why i always delete those forwards. They twist God's words and God's will so much of the time that by the time you read it you only get a pale reflection of His intentions if not an outright lie. They don't portray the God i know and see in the pages of the Bible.

Even though my life is in a dark place, a place of broken dreams, my hope is in Him. I look to Him for comfort. The world cannot help me, my goal is to achieve something eternal, not perishable. My goal is not for myself, but for the countless masses who have not heard or not understood or rebelled. My mission is love. I love God enough to do His will no matter what the consequences. My mother asked me last night if i have any regrets about my past, about dropping out of school and rebelling and where i have been. I said no. In reality i have many regrets. In my weakest moments i regret that i've had to live the way i've had to, that i've had to go through what i did, but this is simply me being human and fallible and sinful. I feel sorry for myself far too often when i much rather be strong and more trusting of God. In reality i do not see any other path that i could have taken. I have gone through dark years, taken dark paths, but it was God guiding me. Every step, every request, has been prefaced with "Lord, if it's Your will..." Am i proud of my life? No. Do i wish that i would have done things differently? How can i truly feel that way if i am confident in the knowledge that i have only ever been trying to serve God and do His will??? Would i have done things differently if it were my decision or within my power? Of course, i am a headstrong girl who thinks she knows better than God and has to tame her will in submission to His plan! But God's ways are not our ways, they are far higher. His path is not easy, but it is the only way i will choose to take.

So here it is clear as mud: i fight with my sinful nature but in my heart i know that i can never do any thing but serve God. He is the One i love and adore. He gave everything for me and so i will give everything for Him. I am broken and discouraged and doubting but my hope and faith are and forever will be placed in Him. I weap because i believe the verses such as Proverbs 3:5-6, Jeremiah 29:11-14, Isaiah 40:31, Isaiah 61:1-3, and countless others despite the fact that they don't seem to be true and are mocking me. Yes, Satan mocks me and lies to me, but i will still believe Jesus even though the Great Deceiver's words seem so much closer and truer.

I am not being holier than thou. I am not being great. I am being broken. This Christmas i do not pray for "peace on earth" as so many do and sing about. I believe that when the angel said those words he meant something far more profound than an end to war. I believe that He meant peace in the hearts of those who serve God. I pray for peace for those who love and serve God. I pray for those who don't know Him that they can come to know Him and thus find peace. This is my Christmas wish.

birthday presents

~ Coca-Cola coasters
~ 120 CD capacity travel case (in a sturdy lavender metal)
~ two pairs of socks (one pair of ankle socks, grey with blue flowers, the other knee highs in chocolate with pink flowers)
~ Stitch and Bitch Nation
~ $30 from grandparents
~ Titanic Swim Team t-shirt
~ wooden backgammon set
~ work boots and gloves

I think i made out pretty well considering the fact that i'm now twenty-four. I also managed to blow out all of my candles in one breath and they were spread out.

what i'm knitting ~ a white undercap to accompany the hat i just crocheted (yes, crocheted!)
what i'm crocheting ~ a suede ivory newsboy cap from Knit1
what i'm listening to ~ just finished Eldest by Christopher Paolini (i knew that Murtagh is Eragon's brother and the twins were traitors... now if only Aria would get her act together and let herself be with Eragon)

Today i had my last two finals. I froze during my monologue. I got up there, started, and then my mind went blank. It took me a few seconds to remember what the next line was. For what seemed like an eternity i had no idea what to say next. And then it came to me and i plowed on. It was over so fast! But i know that the monologue was two minutes flat. I have it on good authority that i only paused for a few moments, but it felt like an eternity. I got a B. Cowden wrote that i am my own worst enemy and that i really connected with this character. So i'll get a B in the class i'm pretty sure.

The Spanish final was very different than i expected. Our teacher wrote the test from scratch it seems and it required a lot more sentence writing than i anticipated. I thought we'd have to show more of what we've been learning lately but it blended the whole semester together rather nicely. I'm pretty sure i'll be getting an A in that class.

Tomorrow i start working full time. It's such a relief to not have school hanging over my head anymore. Tonight i made tamales for Christmas. I think i'm going to really enjoy my break. Now if i could only finalize my schedule for next semester...

long day

"If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am." (2 Corinthians 11:30)

It's been a long day. Today Powderhorn opened for the first time this season. I swung chairs, ran the lift, and shoveled snow. I worked from 8 am until after 4 pm. Needless to say, i'm pretty tired, though not precisely exhausted, just stiff. I am enjoying my new job for the most part.

I've felt torn a lot lately. In some moments i feel more whole and resolved than ever. Other times i simply feel ugly. I don't want to whine or complain. I don't want to "accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad" (Job 2:10b). I don't want to give up but at the same time i don't know how to go on.

I have been trying so hard to find a monologue (from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing or Chekov's the Sea Gull mainly) and nothing fits. Everything is about love or controling others or giving up because you've failed at all your roles in the past two years. I feel defeated and weak because i haven't even really tried acting. Every time i do try i get nowhere. I'm exhausted and don't know what to do. Should i stay here? Go to Biola (if i can get into the Film/TV/Radio program, and that's a big if)? Quit college entirely? I am poor and helpless: fighting to better my financial and spiritual and emotional and intellectual situation has not helped anything. Indeed i often feel as if i am only making things worse.

I am so humbled. I am fully aware of my incapability of doing anything on my own, of being a huge failure without God to hold my hand and guide me every tiptoe of the way. I don't know what He's doing. I don't know who He is anymore. I don't know how to serve Him. I fight against my self defense nature: should i be selfish or selfless? If no one will defend me, then why should i defend myself? I really am a wretched creature, maybe i should start acting like it.

But of course i'm speaking nonsense. Of course i should be selfless and stop thinking of myself so much and be a servant to all. But i am incredibly afraid, more afraid than i have ever been before, and my greatest fear is that this fear with remain until i die... a thorn that will not be removed. I long far too much to be given gifts from God that are good for boasting about. It's not that i want to boast about them, i just want to feel supremely blessed, to be considered better because i have suffered so much, and thus validated. As i have said many times: i am a fool. I feel a kinship with Paul: i have spent so much of my life trying to serve God by the Book letter for letter than i could boast about it. But i found such service and pride to be meaningless... because i had the wrong motives.

"I have plenty to boast about and would be no fool in doing it, because I would be telling the truth. But I won't do it. I don't want anyone to think more highly of me than what they can actually see in my life and my message, even though I have received wonderful revelations from God. But to keep me from getting puffed up, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from getting proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:6-10)

The hardest part for me is that last verse: it is my heart's cry but i don't know how to live it. I don't feel so pure anymore. I've been working so hard at being real and genuine that my sinful nature has gotten too strong (mind you, i could still boast about my holiness, but i have still fallen from where i was, and what would it gain me or anyone else to do so?). And i don't feel so strong anymore. I'm afraid to be weak, my weakness overwhelms me and i don't feel that it has brought me much strength. And of course i'm not so glad to be experiencing the insults, etc., at the moment.

I've said before that i almost wish i could sin on purpose just to give God a reason to be mad at me. I'd never do it purposefully, but maybe i've done it inadvertantly. I don't know anymore. I'm so confused. Where is all that He promised me? But more importantly, who have i become? When i look in the mirror i don't usually like what i see, and i'm not talking about things merely at face value. My life has been torn apart, my heart broken, and a way-too-large part of me doesn't know how to trust God anymore. More than that, the faith of a mustard seed hasn't been anywhere near enough for the past seven years.

And that's what it comes down to for me: it will be seven years tomorrow. My life doesn't show any hints of improving drastically, which mean life might as well continue as it has been, at a snail's pace clawing my way up a precipice. I speak with such dramatic and extreme language, but that is how it feels to me. I am not joking when i sing songs that say things such as this:

"i couldn't face my life tomorrow ~ without Your hope in my heart i know ~ i can't live a day without You ~ Lord, there's no night and there's no morning without Your loving arms to hold me ~ You're the heartbeat of all i do ~ i can't live a day without You" (Avalon's Can't Live a Day)

and

"i don't want to go somewhere if i know that You're not there ~ cuz i know that me without You is a lie ~ and i don't want to walk that road ~ be a million miles from home ~ cuz my heart needs to be where You are ~ so i don't want to go ~ without Your touch ~ without Your love ~ filling me like an ocean ~ cuz Your grace is enough ~ enough for me ~ to never want to go somewhere if i know that You're not there" (Avalon's I Don't Want to Go)

That's why i've said that i feel like i'm dead. If He's not filling me up then what is there to live for? If i am not serving Him then what am i living for that's worthwhile? I have failed Him. But He has failed me, too. He promised. I've said "Lord, here am i, send me" (Isaiah 6:8) and He has said no (or perhaps wait would be more accurate) over and over and over again. Is it my fault? Am i doing enough where i am? I try so hard, but the answer is always a resounding no. A no for seven years.

I am crazy, an absolute fool. How can anyone believe such unbelievable promises after seven years of no?!? I must have misheard, i must have gotten the wrong message, He didn't mean that. But He did. I know He did. I cannot let go of it. It is slowly destroying me, eating away at me. Taking the knife out of my side has not healed me. I am destroyed if i let go and destroyed if i hold on so i am simply destroyed.

I hate that He's made me love Him so much. But is it enough love? I have a large cross, do i have the strength to bear it? I still can't answer that question. I do not expect this to be the last night of my hell, there have been too many hopeless anniversaries for that. I do not even know what i'm supposed to be doing here. Should i have hope or despair, faith or doubt, action or wait??? What am i supposed to get out of this? Anything??? I sometimes wonder if i have not met my Imzadi because he is not ready for me yet but can that apply to this, too? Is the world not ready for me? It never will be!

I am nearly twenty-four. For the majority of the population that may seem like nothing, but to me it seems like a lot. I used to count the days as a sort of backwards countdown to hope, but now they are merely a specter looming over me. I have let God slip away from me. I do not know if i have made the right choices in life. I have tried so hard without avail. I have been far too selfish.

What else can i say? I am too tired to try to apologize enough, explain enough, analyze enough. Digestion will not bring me any closer to an answer, only God can give me the answers and hope that i seek. I am afraid that once He does talk to me, all i will be able to say is, "I am nothing--how could I ever find the answers? I will put my hand over my mouth in silence. I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say" (Job 40:4-5). Of course, maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing. I just don't know.

~2326

I've been avoiding posting here. My life is a roller coaster and it seems impossible to capture a moment in time while giving it due attention and dimension. Most of all, i feel very ugly right now.

My mother and i got into an argument the other day. She resents the fact that i use her computer so much. She resents the fact that i always seem so certain about what truth is. One of the things she said to me is: "it's your version of the truth." It hurts me that she doesn't listen to me. It hurts me that she thinks i'm making up stuff instead of realizing that all i'm doing is trying to discover God's truth. I know she thinks i'm looking in the wrong areas, especially when it comes to things like Harry Potter.

On the way to a Chorus performance on Monday we carpooled. We spent ten minutes waiting on girls who never came. Our driver Athena (who has been so nice to me this semester and i really appreciate!) was worried that Mrs. Niles would be mad at her and think it was her fault. I said that i cuss out Mrs. Niles before i'd let her blame Athena. One of the girls sitting behind me asked: "Why would you cuss out Mrs. Niles?" as if i had said i was going to do it for sure. I replied that i was tired of her blaming people for things that aren't their fault or responsibility. I said that i wasn't going to cuss her out but i would do so before i'd let her blame Athena. In other words, i'd try to reason with the woman but i love and respect her enough to take the time to cuss her out.

I'm tired of compromise. I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of caring so much that it feels like i'm going to literally be torn apart by the pain. I'm tired of the silence and the dark. I'm tired of being attacked by Satan every day. I'm tired of being overwhelmed. I'm tired of having to look out for myself. I'm tired of being selfish. I'm tired of compromise. I'm tired of trying to please everyone else.

Jacque (who i carpool with to work) says that she likes how i don't care what anyone else thinks. That's not quite true. That's who i try to be: to care only what God thinks. It may surprise everyone, but i struggle with self confidence. I've dreamt of becoming an actress since i was three or four. No one that i work with (especially teachers) ever tells me that i'm doing well, that i'm improving, they only hit me with the bad. I've wanted to be a writer since i was seven. I can't seem to write what i want to. None of my readers ever tell me that i'm improving, that i'm doing better, especially writing teachers. I feel like everyone i meet despises me, barely tolerates me, thinks i'm crazy, and generally gets pissed off by who i am and what i do.

I feel isolated. My family doesn't approve of me or support me. I have no close friends (though classmates have become a welcome source of comfort at times). I don't see how my life is ever going to get better and i'm tired of listening to Satan's lies and getting discouraged. I try to tell myself that this is all part of God's plan, that He's protecting me or trying to teach me something, but it's hard. For all that i have done to try to do His will, to try to put Him first in my life, i only feel farther away from Him and farther away from success.

I can't put into words how much of a failure i feel i am. And i don't have any more time to try right now, either.

~11:49 a.m.

i mean, can you believe this is real?

awe inspiring

drat

Blogger has disabled the ability to edit post times. The time on the post is always the time you loaded the create post page. I like to change it to the actual moment of posting. I guess i won't be able to do that anymore. ):

pretty cool pics

Sunspot Surprise


Magnetic Fields in Technicolor

convicting verses

Finally, all of you should be of one mind, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds. Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate when people say unkind things about you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God wants you to do, and he will bless you for it. . . . you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if you are asked about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it. But you must do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak evil against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. Remember, it is better to suffer for doing good, if that is what God wants, than to suffer for doing wrong!
~ 1 Peter 3:8-9, 15b-17 (NLT)

I'm sorry that i blew my top the other night. It's hard for me to say things gently. I really don't want to put other people down. I just wish people would use common sense and wisdom instead of blind ignorance. The world attacks Christians enough without the children of God turning on each other. We should be known for our love. It's hard for me to be patient and soft spoken: it's not who i am. I want to be more like Jesus, but it's hard, especially when i am being ignored. I don't want to see other people make fools or sinners of themselves. But i don't want to offend them or turn them away from God, either. I don't know if my words can be gentle. I try very hard, but sometimes i let my passion get away from me. I love God so much, am incredibly grateful about what He's blessed me with, and i don't appreciate it when people believe baseless lies instead of clinging to truth. I just don't know how to shed light on the situation in a pleasing way and prevent myself from being ignored. I'm so tired of being ignored. It's the performer in me longing to be free.

the House decides to keep the troops in Iraq

The decision was nearly unanimous apparently, but Democrats still aren't happy even though they voted to keep them there, too.

Dracula

i just got back and am thoroughly exhausted. i had orientation at Powderhorn today. Standing and sitting at a 3 1/2 hour play is not condusive to rest. Overall i am disappointed. It just got to the point where i couldn't help but wonder what the point was of sitting through it. It was so boring. Not scary, not sexually charged, not inspirational, it just fell short. The vixens were nearly impossible to see. Dracula wasn't scary. The lesbianism was toned down. But the love in it didn't make much sense. The whole production felt hollow. The special effects were awesome, the set good, the acting okay, it was the play itself that stunk the most. I'd rather sit through the movie Van Helsing again: at least i could be watching Jackman and remembering him in other rolls. Oh, and it made me want to see Underworld again, in which Vampires were actually sexy. I'm not sure that i want to work in this (college's) department now.

p.s.

I was interviewed by the local ABC news but my comments didn't make the air. One could see my back for a few seconds during the feature (from when they filmed the entire line from a distance), but otherwise there is nothing to report.

GoF review

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Imho, Goblet of Fire is the best Harry Potter movie that has been made to date. It's very enjoyable and a lot funnier than the past three, but it still has its failings. The first half of the film felt like it was in fast forward. Key details were modified, some for no apparent reason.

Gambon still did not deliver as Dumbledore (i know he can do better than this). And what on earth happened to his spectacles?

The scene in the graveyard was not as scary as i imagined. At first there was a lot of dead time in which key dialogue was omitted. Then the Priori Incantatum was fast forwarded again, the part which is the most important of the film!

Alan Rickman delivers but is used mostly for comic relief. There is only a slight passing reference to his Death Eater status, and Voldemort does not announce that he is going to kill him.

Lucious Malfoy is way too proud and presumptive in the presence of Lord Voldemort.

The makeup for Voldemort is incredible: all they forgot to include was the red eyes. However, Ralph Fiennes portrayal fell a bit short. He was far more menacing in Schindler's List.

The twins and Ginny were used more often to good effect. Percy and Mrs. Weasley are completely left out... which did give Hermione a very funny job (she acts very much in a Mrs. W manner when trying to wake Ron). Charlie is mentioned but not portrayed. I won't even go into Flitwick (i don't really like the changes to him that they've made in the past two films), but i will say that the development of Neville was better than in the past. Dennis Creevey was a welcome addition. Nagini thankfully looked more menacing than the basilisk. Fawkes makes a small appearance. Moaning Myrtle was a bit too much, but overall the humor flowed a lot better. Several scenes were a joy to see because i care for these characters so much. Dame Maggie Smith, for instance, had a small but meaningful part.

Several cast changes were disturbing. Angelina Johnson for instance: what happened to Danielle Taylor/Tabor? Why did they make both the Patil twins Gryffindors? One is supposed to be a Ravenclaw! Why did they have to make Fleur look so incapable (she is a Champion, after all, she should know how to defend herself)? Why did they have to leave out Snuffles, Pig, Dobby, Winky, the Sphinx, and Rita Skeeter's end? Four out of six of those characters are very important to the plots of future books.

Lastly, why cut out the gift of the galleons to the twins? I think that with every film so far it has been the very ending that has failed the most to deliver. Overall, GoF is better but it still has room for improvement. TPTB were able to fit a lot into 2 1/2 hours, but they still just couldn't do the book justice... But as that's almost absolutely impossible i wasn't expecting them too, anyway.

Would i recommend? Yes. Will i go see it in the theater again? If i can. Will i buy the DVD? I can hardly wait for the deleted scenes! I look forward to dissecting the film in greater detail. All in all, it was a cold and sometimes stressful wait for tickets but a worthy way to spend the night of year six, month eleven, day seven, of my own little journey.

al·le·go·ry

  1.
1. The representation of abstract ideas or principles by characters, figures, or events in narrative, dramatic, or pictorial form.
2. A story, picture, or play employing such representation. John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress and Herman Melville's Moby Dick are allegories.
  2. A symbolic representation: The blindfolded figure with scales is an allegory of justice.

I'm coming clean, here: people sometimes listen to me but instead of actually comprehending they accuse me of lying and/or twist my words. More blunt facts:

1) The Harry Potter books are not entirely an allegory in the way that the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is for instance. In LWW Aslan not only represents Jesus, he is Jesus, and as such he lays down his life for the sins of Edmund in order to defeat the White Witch (who represents Satan).

2) However, certain aspects of the books can be construed as allegory. A very strong instance of this are the events outlined in chapter one of the Sorcerer's Stone but not explained until later on. Lord Voldemort comes to murder Harry. Harry's father perishes because he will not stand aside. And then when Harry's mother perishes her love for her son creates a protection on Harry that makes it impossible for Voldemort to kill Harry. When he casts the killing curse he is almost defeated. Later when he returns he cannot touch Harry because Harry is encompassed in his mother's love and protection. This is like Jesus' love for us as Christians: He freely died for our salvation and once we accept this gift His protection runs through our very veins. Satan cannot touch us. That's powerful stuff!

3) Voldemort uses dark magic, but he's the bad guy. No one wants him to win. He's the manifestation of evil, a symbol for Hitler or even Satan. He's the ultimate evil, the ultimate bad guy. This, too, is a kind of allegory, but his actions do not directly follow the Bible. After all, Satan's every action in today's world is not depicted in those pages, only prophecies of his eventual actions.

4) In the HP world and our own love and goodness will be the ultimate victors. I have full confidence than in book seven evil will be defeated and good will triumph. This is how it is in the real world, too, even when the dark seems more real than the light.

HP madness

Yes, i went to a midnight viewing. My mom took it well but my dad had to make a bit of a deal about it. At breakfast this morning he said that there is "black magic" in it and that my sister and i were wrong to go. After i left (i bit my tongue) my sis says that my Mom said that Rowling used spells right out of a real magic book. I was understandably upset. I can't believe people (Christians, no less) are still spreading these lies. If the words Harry Potter uses to cast spells are evil then everyone out there needs to stop learning Latin now (bad homeschoolers and studiers of the classics! bad bad bad! (; ). That's what all the words are, Latin for what the person wishes to do (some mixed with a bit of other languages like French or Arabic). Need a little light? Lumos is the word for light. Want to put out the light? Nox is the word for dark. Use your head please, that's why God gave it to you.

I'm sorry if being so blunt offends you; but at the same time i'm not. It's not that i have all the answers, but there are a few things about which i know a great deal, and this is one of them. People who don't listen to me often seem to make themselves look ridiculous because of said lack of listening and it's all on them. Let me see if i can make this crystal clear: 1) Rowling is a Christian. 2) Harry Potter is make believe (this means pretend) and has nothing to do with magic (as it exists in the real world) whatsoever. 3) Real magic is wrong / evil / sinful, but again: Harry Potter has nothing to do with the real world, nor is it anti-God. 4) All of the content of these books pushes Godly behavior. The bad guys are portrayed as bad guys. The good guys are fallible but attempting to do what is right instead of what is easy. 5) God meant for us to use our imaginations: that's why He gave them to us. 6) There are many Christians who read these books and have no problem with it. 7) Many Christians actually see echoes of God's love in these pages and feel closer to Him because of it.

Whoever you are, you don't have to read Harry Potter if you don't want to. If you don't feel it will enrich your life, fine, it's your perogative to ignore them. But don't lie about things that you don't know anything about. Don't listen to other peoples' lies. I fully endorse finding out the truth for one's self; that's what Jesus told us to do, after all. If you want to know more but don't want to read the books yourself--but do want to hear much more detailed observations about Harry Potter from a Christian perspective--click on the button on the right that says "Gryffindor". That's my Harry Potter site. I have written a few essays (linked to right under the words Lumos Nox) that go deeper into my analysis of the lies versus the truth.

You don't have to listen to me if you don't want to, but then why would you want to perpetuate lies, live in the dark, or otherwise make a fool of yourself? Harsh words, i know, but sin is a serious business. Bearing false witness is forbidden in the ten commandments, after all ("Do not testify falsely against your neighbor" Exodus 20:16). I say all of this with a clear conscience... be sure you can do the same.

another fine snowshark poll

for LADIES: Turned on or off or don't care when a guy:

Rides a skateboard: on
Dresses like a surfer bum: ? dc
Dresses in all black: dc
Plays a musical instrument: on
sings: on
Is shorter than you: off
Is taller than you: on
has chapped lips: off
Has green eyes: dc
Has blue eyes: on
Has brown eyes: dc
Drinks alcohol: off
Smokes cigarettes: off
Smokes pot: off
has brown hair: on
Has Black hair: on
Shaggy hair: depends on if he can work it
Shaved head: on
Wears tight pants: huh? probably off
Dresses like prep: off
Plays a sport: dc
Has an accent: dc
Can pick you up: rofl... like this is going to happen, but on
Works out: on
Smiles a lot: on
Calls you just to say hi: i agree, "def on"
Is a deep thinker: on
Lets you know whats on his mind: on
wears eyeliner: off unless it's Depp
eye brow piercing: probably off
Lip piercing: off
Has Tattoos: depends on the tat
Gauged Ears: dc as long as it's not huge

not a very complete list, is it?

re: Bert

i mean, it really would be terrifying to wake up one day and find Elmo staring back at me... on multiple levels.

more randomness (can you tell i'm in a good mood?)

i just love coming here and being greeted by Bert's smiling face every day (:

random

fried gold

who knows where i got it?

re: spring schedule

Tuesday and Thursday
Mythology (unless i decide to change it to Comparative Politics)
Weightlifting
Archery
gap that will hopefully be filled with cardio and lunch
Art Appreciation
World's Greatest Films (as much as it sounds like one, i know this will not be an easy course; you have to write a paper for every film you watch)

Monday Wednesday Friday
Spanish (year one, part 2)

i just noticed: every time i spell Wednesday i say it out in my head "wed" (as in to marry) "nez" (as in the last name of a guy i knew in high school) "day" (as in dia).

i've also noticed that the keyboard i'm currently using is very annoying: the left shift keeps getting stuck and i keep making typos because the keys feel strange.

not so low, solo

So, i've basically decided to stop stressing about school. Knitting was the only thing that was keeping me from going insane. Now i've changed my spring schedule and am not going to worry about it. I've always been able to bring it to my science finals, and even if i don't for this final... i'll just retake it at Biola if i need it (i'm not at all sure i actually will). I might pass with a C, you never know.

At choir i auditioned for the solo in A La Media Noche and got it. Mrs. Niles has been impressed with my progress apparently. I have no idea why. I feel like i'm just doing the same old same old. Anyways, the alto section in particular was overjoyed by the announcement, though the response throughout the entire class seems to have been positive. Athena in particular said she thought that this was just what i needed from God right now. I guess i did pray about it, so thanks go out to Him.

I think that this semester more than any other time i have been able to let loose and just be who i am. I dyed my hair orange. I've been dressing more the way that i want to (though i fully expect to update my wardrobe further as soon as i get my first check from Powderhorn and throughout the season). I've come out of my shell some and stood up for who i am. I've been openly knitting a lot, and i just love it. I have so many projects that i want to do right now... if only i can find the money and the time.

Things are slowly but surely getting better, not so dark. The end of the year is coming on so fast! I have high hopes that the seven year mark will finally be the time where the dark is lifted and God begins whispering to me again. One can only hope, right? Anyways, it's been a good day. I think it's going to stay that way.

life verse

Blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank.
~ Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NLT)

getting up

On Friday in Physics we had a quiz on the chapter that we have barely started (in other words, we were being tested on stuff we hadn't even covered yet). Then, in Acting I, we did an exercise called "Getting Up" in which we lay down on the floor and were supposed to take five minutes to get up (in slow mo basically). We weren't supposed to have any movement that wasn't related to getting up and we weren't supposed to stop moving.

Upon beginning i tried to sit up as slowly as possible (my first step): it took me sixty seconds. My teacher (Cowden) says: "Too fast, Kristine, start over." I lay back down and thought for a little while, my mind racing: "How am i supposed to sit up any slower? My abs can't take it. We're supposed to get up the same way we always get up, only slower, there's no way to do this. It's ludicrous." I sat up again. No one else had moved it seemed. I lay back down.

In preface to this activity Cowden emphatically stated: "If you don't want to fully participate then there's the door." I don't want the door. But this activity is impossible. There is no way for me to sit up so slowly that it takes three minutes. At the three minute mark i'm back sitting up and people are finally starting to move a little. I slowly move my hands to the floor beside me, palms down, and start to push myself (from my side now) up onto my knees. Things are finally going a bit better, but here it becomes obvious that this cannot be like the way i really get up because normally i just give a push and am up. But here, i'm going to have to walk my hands towards my knees so i can hold myself upright as i stand from a kneeling position. Four minutes.

I start to slowly lengthen my legs, getting a nice stretch (i can easily place my hands flat on the floor with my feet together and knees straight, so this is nice, but it's not an activity that's sole purpose is to get up). I slowly roll my shoulders up, am done about fifteen seconds short. We get back in a circle and talk about what happened. People say a lot of nonsense about having to concentrate a lot, etc., blah blah blah. Cowden mentions me being in fast forward or something. I say something about my abs not being strong enough to sit up that slowly and he just glares at me. I've seen this look before; it means, "I do not want to hear your excuses." I am this >< close to being thrown out.

We proceed to games where we make a machine out of ourselves, next time an instrument, then we do an exercise where we're split into groups and are given a bit to sing over and over and he changes little bits and we're all different "instruments". This was fun but he kept wanting us to get louder so i got rather hoarse.

Now. I do not want to complain needlessly. I'm not trying to have a bad attitude. I know i need to come out my shell and act crazy in public more often, particularly because i enjoy doing so and it's good development for my chosen profession. But being singled out as being too fast when i actually attempted the exercise as instructed while everyone else just lay there for three minutes is ludicrous.

I then feel like a fool because a friend shows me the call board which i couldn't find because Ivanov gave everyone bad directions. He said "Go down the hall past Cowden's office. It will probably be posted near his office, but it might be farther down towards the Dracula call board. So i go up and down that hall looking for the cast lists for three days and finally on the third day i find out that they were posted on Tuesday as promised and it's not past Cowden's office, it's beside his office in a little hall that only has an emergency exit, and every time i have gone down the main hall the light in this small hall off the main hall has been off and i couldn't even see said call board, let alone read it.

As you can imagine, i had a really lousy Friday.

I'm considering dropping Playwriting now because i don't know that i want to take another semester of Cowden. He's really funny, and inspirational, and then he can be a total jerk. He doesn't care to get to know me, or explain why i irritate him, or what i'm doing wrong, he just wants me to shut up and do something more, something that i have no idea how to discern what it is.

Why do i have to be so literal? Why can no one take ten minutes to explain what i'm doing wrong? Why is it like there was some big meeting that i missed where everything was spelled out for everyone to see but me? I hate it!

I didn't get cast in any of the ten one acts. What am i even doing in this department if i'm not going to get to act? To learn? To work? I am so upset and down about it all. It's the same every day. I hate it.

update

Well, today i went to the Powderhorn Job Fair and got hired (yes)! I am going to either be a Lift Operator and/or a Lift Dispatcher. See, they want to make me Lift Dispatcher, which would basically be a data entry job but i would relay messages via radio in the event of a lift break down. The trouble is that the main days for Lift Dispatcher are Saturday and Sunday as those are the most busy. But i don't work on Sundays. So i will possibly working as a Lift Operator instead (at $7 an hour), but possibly both and splitting the weekend with someone else (the Dispatch position pays $8 an hour). It's too much of a job for one person anyways, even full time. But i'm their only Dispatcher right now. So praise God! Plus Megan is going to let me drive her car while she's gone i think.

Re: GoF, i finally found out that it will be at Carmike with a midnight viewing but tickets aren't on sale yet. At least i found out that much.

Re: Captivating
I read a few more pages today. It's really speaking to me as lately i've been feeling guilty about being so whiny/passionate about my desire for the Lord and this book basically says that's the way i'm made to be (as a woman). I hate feeling guilty for being who i am, so this is encouraging news.

Btw, yesterday i hit six years, eleven months: i'm praying that seven years will be long enough for God. <sigh> But of course i'll wait longer if i have to. ):

(;

THIS IS HOW <tired> I REALLY AM

You are
[] short, under 5'2
[x] 5'2 -5'6"
[] 5'7" - 6'0
[] tall 6'2 and up

NATURALLY
[] blonde
[] redhead
[] brunette
[x] dirty blonde/brownish
[] dark brown
[] black

[x] blue-eyed
[] brown-eyed
[] green-eyed
[-] hazel eyed hey, i got a little bit around my irises!
[] gold/gray/green-eyed
[] silver/gray- eyed
[] blue/green-eyed
[] blue/gray-eyed
[] they change colors

[x] glasses
[-] contacts i miss!
[] neither

[] short hair
[x] medium
[] long hair

Your favorite color(s) are?
[x] red dark red
[] khaki
[] pink
[] hot pink
[] yellow
[] black
[] green
[-] lime green it's up there
[XXXX] blue
[x] white
[x] turquoise duh, it's blue
[] silver
[x] purple
[x] brown
[x] orange especially when with...
[x] grey
[] maroon burgundy or brick is more my color
[?] gold
[x] clear
[] don't really care

Some things you've done?
[x] ice skating
[x] hiking
[] kayaking
[] rafting
[] water skiing
[x] camping
[x] horseback riding
[] surfing and skim/wake boarding i wish!!!!
[x] snowboarding
[x] skiing
[] skateboarding
[] cheerleading
[] lacrosse
[] street hockey
[] gymnastics i wish
[-] martial arts only if tae bo counts: i don't have the money for real martial arts
[] bmx
[] baton twirling

Your personality is sometimes...
[x] talkative
[x] shy
[x] funny
[x] serious
[] laid back
[] grumpy
[] strict
[x] hyper
[XXXX] weird
[?] ditzy
[X] sarcastic
[] slow

you can't stand listening to?
[] pop
[X] country
[] christian
[] classical
[] techno
[] oldies
[?] opera
[] reggae
[] emo
[] 80's
[] disco
[] rap

The pets you have had?
[x] cat
[x] dog
[] lizard
[] rat
[] ferret
[x] bunny hated it
[x] fish ditto
[] duck
[] horse
[] bird
[] frog
[]hermit crab
[] prarie dog
[] none
[] turtle
[x] hamster
[] snake
[x] gerbil
[] guinea pig
[] pig
[] goat
[] chinchilla
[] tarantula
[] geese
[] chicken

Clothing Brands you like?
[] Delia's
[x] American Eagle
[] Hollister
[] The Buckle too expensive
[] Abercrombie & Fitch too slutty... the catalogs i mean
[?] Target
[?] Wal-mart
[] Wet Seal
[?] O'neill
[x] PacSun
[] Aeropostale
[] Dickies
[?] Quicksilver
[x]Roxy
[] Anchor Blue
[NOT] Guess
[] Lucky
[] Champs
[x] Salvation army/goodwill,
[x] if i like it i'll wear it
[sometimes] old navy
[] only name brand
[] dont really care
NO Tommy

Shoe Brands?
[] Nike
[?] Adidas
[X] Reebok
[] Etnies
[] Converse
[] K Swiss
[] Steve Madden
[x] Vans
[x] if i like something ill buy it no matter what brand
[] New Balance
[?] LEI
[] Payless don't carry anything any good anymore
[] Basics
No Keds

States I have been to.
[x] Alabama
[] Alaska
[XXXX] Arizona
[x] Arkansas
[xx] California
[xx] Colorado
[] Connecticut
[] Delaware
[x] Florida
[x] Georgia
[] Hawaii
[] Idaho
[x] Illinois
[x] Indiana
[x] Iowa
[x] Kansas
[x] Kentucky
[x] Louisiana
[] Maine
[x] Maryland
[] Massachusetts
[] Michigan
[] Minnesota
[x] Mississippi
[x] Missouri
[] Montana
[x] Nebraska
[x] Nevada
[] New Hampshire
[] New Jersey
[x] New Mexico
[] New York
[xx] North Carolina
[] North Dakota
[x] Ohio
[x] Oklahoma
[] Oregon
[x] Pennsylvania
[] Rhode Island
[x] South Carolina
[] South Dakota
[x] Tennessee
[x] Texas
[x] Utah
[] Vermont
[xx] Virginia
[] Washington
[x] Washington D.C.
[x] West Virginia
[] Wisconsin
[] Wyoming

your confessions:
[] im afraid of the quiet
[] I am really ticklish
[X] I'm afraid of the dark sometimes
[] I've collected comic books (use to)
[x] I shut others out when I'm sad
[?] I open up to others easily
[-] I read the news sometimes: listen to it more often
[] I love Disney movies NOT
[x] I am a sucker for eyes
[] I don't kill bugs
[] I have "x"s in my screen name
[x] I bake well
[] I have worn pajamas to class
[] I love Martha Stewart No, but i don't think she should have been sent to prison
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS
[x] I am self-conscious
[x] I love to laugh.
[] I have tried a cigarette
[-] I can't swallow pills have to stuff it down my throat and water is no help
[X] I bite my nails
[] I want your mom
[X] I play computer games when I'm bored
[x] Gotten lost in the city
[] Gone out in public in your pajamas
[] Made out in an elevator
[] Been skydiving
[] Been bungee jumping
[] Bitten someone
[x] Dressed up like a guy/girl (well duh)
[] egged a house/car
[x] Crashed into a car
[] Been fired
[] Been skinny dipping

Have you ever...
[] stolen a sign
[X] danced in the rain definitely
[x] Seen a shooting star a really bright one Monday night
[] proposed to anyone
[x] Gotten stitches
[] Eaten Sushi
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[x] Ridden in a taxi
[] Been on a cruise ship
[x]Driven over 400 miles in one day
[x] Been on a Plane by yourself
[] had surgery just stitches
[x] seen a movie more than 3 times in the theater
[x] been on stage
[x] peed somewhere other than a toilet
[?] gotten a black eye
[] memorized all the dialogue in a movie
[x] watched an entire baseball game on tv

Do you like...
[x] old movies
[] musicals not really
[x] blasting music in your car
[x] foreign foods
[] anime
[XXX] Christmas time
[?] donuts sometimes i crave them, but usually it's take 'em or leave 'em
[X] animals
[x] coffee when there's lots of milk, sugar, and chocolate in it

(yawn)

i am so exhausted

i had stuff i wanted to say (that i've been wanting to say for a couple of days, actually), but now i can't remember what it is... i hate that

i remember...

...riding with my father in the yellow ex-mail-jeep, in the front seat, the doors off or open, the wind blowing in my hair, with a sour apple blow pop in my mouth.

...wearing knee high white tube socks, one pair with turquoise stripes, the other with lavender stripes.

...sitting on a pew with my father, learning how to tie my shoes, while my mother was in choir practice.

...running down a hill full tilt, trying not to fall down.

...eating little red berries off the tree behind the Sunday school wing.

...climbing up a huge tractor tire alone and being yelled at because i wouldn't help Megan climb up (even though i had always been told that i had to learn how to climb up alone and never receiving help myself).

...seesawing in the dark.

...learning how to swing while holding a rainbow pinwheel at sunset.

...sitting in a wooden firetruck, playing house, with the only boy who liked me in preschool, and promising to marry him when i grew up under the tree that grew next to the truck.

...accidentally swallowing the gum Dad gave me after he picked me up from preschool and being afraid that he would be mad.

...eating vanilla fudge marble ice cream with one of those funky tongue depresser sticks.

...opening my lunchbox and eating one Twinkie first, the other last.

...wanting to watch Smurfs and He-Man at my babysitters (because everyone else did!).

...being forced to watch Betty Boop at another babysitter's. Climbing up on a huge stump in the back yard, playing velcro-ball tic-tac-toe, crying when Megan pulled the tail off my calico cat doll.

...playing with the pompoms in the preschool nursery, proudly proclaiming that i was going to be a cheerleader when i grew up, and being laughed at. Wanting to play with Play-Doh and color and always being told no. Putting elmer's glue all over my hands just so i could peel it off. Watching Psalty and proclaiming "Beautiful is my favorite song" only to be met with hostility on the part of the other students.

...being forced to try to take a nap on green camp cots in the foyer of the church my preschool was at.

...putting my mouth on the drinking fountain while standing on a stepstool in said foyer.

...praying so hard to get to play the bunny at the Christmas pageant that was on my fifth birthday... and knowing that God heard my prayer and the answer was yes.

...Dad turning the lights off on a certain windy stretch of road on the way back from AWANA.

on boys/guys/the other half of the species

what i'm knitting ~ still working on my PoA scarf (but am nearly done)
what i'm listening to ~ music for Chorus and Acting auditions
what i'm reading ~ i wish
what i'm writing ~ just finished two papers for school

I have pretty much decided to give up on guys yet again. It's just not worth getting all excited about. I go to school four days a week and am surrounded by attractive (and not so attractive males) and none of them show a modicum of interest in me. I only know a few superficially, and there's no reason to drool over guys that aren't into me or share my beliefs. I've always been honest when the subject comes up: i'm a virgin, i'm waiting for a guy to pursue me. People act like i'm crazy when i admit that (that i want the guy to make the first move). They act like, "How can you honestly expect a guy to have the guts to make the first move?!?" My Mom recently bought the book Captivating, which i have read the first two chapters of, and it outlines the way in which women are designed to be. They want to be treated like a princess, swept of their feet by a knight in shining armor, no matter how strong or self sufficient they are. I never dreamt of being a princess as a child, but i must admit that i always felt an affinity for Maid Marion and Sleeping Beauty for some strange reason (bummer, i lost my train of thought, i know there was someone else i wanted to mention)... Yes, i'm talking about me, the girl who likes movies where girls kick *it* with the best of the guys: Max, Leeloo, and Sydney Bristow, just to name a few.

Why do people act like it's wrong to feel that you're completed by another person? Why are we supposed to be independent, not need anyone, and act as if we're perfect? I'm not perfect, i hate being independent, and i do need someone. I need God, but i also feel incomplete being single, even when He's overflowing my heart with love and joy. Why should i be ashamed to admit that? When God created Adam and all the animals He saw that Adam was alone and lonely, that there was no companion suitable for him, and so He made one (Genesis 2:18-24)! And so if God did that for Adam and Eve i believe that i am designed to perfect one man's life just as he is designed to perfect mine. God made us for each other. I think this is why as a child i always assumed that i would marry a boy that was older than me, because God made Adam first so He must make my husband before me, too. (:

Anyways, i'm just so sick of thinking about it all the time. Every time i meet a guy i think: "Could he be the one?" And of course he's not. He's not interested. He's attractive, he's nice, but he's not him. They always say that you'll find him when you stop looking for him (who in the world is "they" anyway? it drives me wild how they always feel that they're an authority about my life) you'll find him. So i gave up on guys. I didn't find one (i thought i might have, but we never got past the crush stage: he didn't want to be friends even, apparently). I slowly started looking again as i got more and more lonely, more and more desperate. I still haven't found him and now i'm a whiney damsel in distress. I don't want that. I don't want to be imagining up situations where Elijah Wood or Orlando Bloom are rescuing me--because quite honestly i don't know that i'd want them rescuing me even if they came, i don't really know who they really are--but i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that maybe that's exactly who God designed me to be (the damsel in distress). As much as i hate to admit it, i want to be rescued, too. Not that i want my husband to replace God in my life, but i just don't feel complete being single, either.

Now i know that a lot of people are saying to themselves right now: "You don't need or want a guy, you don't know how lucky you are," and, "See the world while you still can," etc. Frankly i don't want to see the world alone and i have no nothing moolah to trade (to quote Jar Jar). My sister is married now, so we can't do things together like we used to. I need a new traveling buddy. Sure, i want to go on the Amazing Race but have no one to do it with. I want to travel around the world, but not alone. Yes, i want kids, but i want them whenever God wants me to have them. If He wants me to focus on school, career, husband for a while that's fine... i just want to at least find a guy to give me my first kiss. I can just see myself getting cast in West Side Story as Maria (i'm imagining this, mind you, i'm not saying it's going to happen) and getting my first kiss(es) from whoever's cast as Tony. That's not the memory i want to have, to be working with and crushing on a guy (or even worse, working with a guy i'm not into) who's kissing me simply because it's in the script.

That's not life... it's holding my breath and waiting for life to begin. I'm sick of it. I don't want to find some random guy and jump in the sack with him, i don't even want to date a guy if he's not the one, but i'm tired of crushes not getting past eye tag and long conversations where we click but nothing happens. I've never even been asked out on a date. I'm going to be twenty-four in thirty-nine days (thirty-eight, really) for crying out loud. I'm so tired of waiting. I know i'm weak, i know i should have more patience, but the last few good crushes i had... one guy was sixteen and one guy had to drop out of the class we had together before anything happened and he reminded my of one of my uncles. That's pathetic. It's like i'm still stuck in junior high; it's been ten years that i've been praying about acting, twenty plus that i've been praying about being a wife, how long do i have to wait? I feel like i'm a fool to have these feelings, to look at a random guy and wonder what it would be like to just be able to have a conversation and know you're understood and helping each other be who they are meant to be. I don't need the sex (though i would like to have it quite a lot :blush:). I need to get past hoping and dreaming and waiting to doing.

But it never happens. It's in God's hands and He never does a single thing with it. Wait, wait, wait. And i hate it. I hate feeling like my life has been on hold every since the day of my first memory when i was about three. I hate feeling afraid of my father and wondering when he's going to get mad again and throw something and break my heart even more. I hate feeling bad because i'm not under his authority but when i was he was telling me to go against my heart. I want to be submissive to my husband. I want to be protected by him. But if he were anything like my father i think it would kill me, too. So i wait for God to send the right one with bated breath and a broken heart. I wait.

prayer

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."
~ C.S. Lewis

"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair."
~ C.S. Lewis

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."
~ C.S. Lewis

"The primary object of prayer is to know God better; we and our needs should come second."
~ C.S. Lewis

I am ashamed to admit that the person i pray for the most is myself. I pray for other people, but more often i mean to pray for them and then forget to. After all, each day is such a battle... Today was especially so, as i got a Physics test back that was a D(!), had to listen to my teacher insult the collective class because we weren't smart enough to read the book enough times to discover information that isn't even there, and then i had to perform my scene for Acting I (which fortunately actually went pretty well). The scene went better than i expected, but i was so worked up from Physics and so nervous and so out of sorts because my breakfast wasn't settling well (eating a spicy jalapeno bagel alone is not too smart). All morning i prayed for myself. When i heard sirens i didn't even have enough presence of mind to pray for the rescue workers or those who might be in danger (which i always do). I've just been so stressed out that i have neglected prayer. I'm so exhausted all the time that i can't really concentrate long enough to pray properly, either. I've listed some prayer requests on the sidebar; hopefully it will remind me to pray every time i post here at least. (Sorry that i'm not more articulate at the moment!)

stuck in my head

desperation leads us here leads us here ~ illumination meets us here meets us here ~ revelation brings us here brings us here ~ restoration frees us here frees us here

and i don't want to leave ~ i don't want to leave this place ~ no, i don't want to leave ~ i never want to leave this place

it's so amazing ~ Your unchanging love ~ simply amazing ~ never changing love, love, love ~ revolutionary love

reparation leads us here leads us here ~ liberation meets us here meets us here ~ jubilation brings us here brings us here ~ higher elevation frees us here frees us here

it's so amazing ~ Your unchanging love ~ simply amazing ~ never changing love, love, love ~ revolutionary love

Your revolutionary love ~ Your revolutionary love, love, love

You're a revolution i want to be revolutionary ~ You're a revolution i want to be
revolutionary ~ You're a revolution i want to be ~ love, love, love ~ revolutionary love

~ David Crowder Band "Revolutionary Love"

whew

It's been a long weekend. On Saturday morning i went to school at nine. We went over our scene that we present on Monday. There were lots of silly mistakes, but we know our lines (if we could simply spit them out!). I think we can do fine tomorrow; i hope we do fine.

At ten auditions began. I did ten cold readings in the space of four hours. At first it was fun, a bit akward because i was in the same room (and thus the same readings as) Chris Coon, who is a great actor but absolute stranger, but after a while it got exhausting. It was difficult to remain interested in the content. By the end i just wanted to eat and relax. I didn't get called back, which was actually sort of a relief because callbacks were right then. Cast list should go up Tuesday afternoon.

In Sunday school we're now in Job, a subject very close to my heart and that raises a lot of questions for me understandably. (:

Today was church per usual. I took my new hoody planning to basically just wear it outside and ended up wearing it 80% of the time. It wasn't even that cold outside, but it was chilly inside! The message was given by Bobby Vaughn, the Associate Pastor of Missions, and was about men being the spiritual leader in the home and women being submissive. It was pretty good. It was hard for me because (as you all know) i hate being single. He said his grandfather was married to the same woman for 70-some years and died at 102. He got married at my age or a little older, almost certainly had met her at my age. I haven't even met my Imzadi yet (as far as i know). It's just disheartening.

This afternoon my mom and i learned how to play Backgammon together. Not that hard, though i daresay there are probably rules and nuances that weren't covered in our copy of the rules.

At Wal-mat my sister got sick in the middle of an aisle and i got hair dye. See, i've decided to dye my hair dark brown for West Side Story auditions after all. Then, when it starts to fade a bit, i'll use the red-orange color from last time to highlight or cover accordingly. I don't expect the dark brown to stay dark brown for long. So my hair will not be Ginny-ish for GoF, more Harry-ish. I know it's not practical, i know it will be obvious that i did it just for the audition, but i just can't imagine myself auditioning with blazing orange hair.

AWANA went super fast. We only had six in T&T. Went well enough i guess. I thought one clubber was getting close to accepting the Lord, but i'm not sure. She might already be saved, but i just felt she was leaning that way. We were talking about Romans 3:23.

So i just finished my homework. I'm going to go downstairs and dye and shave my legs. Then i'll go to bed. Fun, fun, fun. Pray for us tomorrow, cuz we need it.

stuck in my head

[The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]

is this one for the people? ~ is this one for the Lord? ~ or do i simply serenade for things i must afford? ~ you can jumble them together, my conflict still remains ~ holiness is calling in the midst of courting fame

cuz i see the trust in their eyes ~ though the sky is falling ~ they need Your love in their lives ~ compromise is calling

what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? ~ will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? ~ what if i stumble? ~ and what if I fall?

what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ You never turn in the heat of it all ~ what if i stumble, what if i fall?

Father please forgive me for i cannot compose ~ the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows ~ if struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you’ve carved ~ why do i dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar

do they see the fear in my eyes? ~ are they so revealing? ~ this time i cannot disguise ~ all the doubt i’m feeling

what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? ~ will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? ~ what if i stumble? ~ and what if I fall?

what if I stumble? ~ everyone’s got to crawl when you know that you’re up against a wall, it’s about to fall ~ everyone’s got to crawl when you know that

i hear you whispering my name ~ You say "My love for you will never change" ~ never change

what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? ~ will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? ~ what if i stumble? ~ and what if I fall?

what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ You never turn in the heat of it all ~ what if I stumble, what if I fall? ~ You are my comfort, and my God

~ DC Talk "What if I Stumble"

re: page rank

Just who is it that gets to decide how relevant a page is, anyway? One man's junk is another man's treasure.

Hot Topic HP error

Hot Topic is finally coming out with stuff for Goblet of Fire, including T's featuring each of the house seals, the only problem is... Ravenclaw's mascot is not a raven. It's an eagle with black claws. So the Ravenclaw shirt is totally messed up. Way to go on paying attention to details, guys.

wish lists

I've been messing around with my wish lists; all the links should be updated now (the only exception is my Fox wish list which cannot be made public). Clothes are sooooo expensive that it's not even funny. There's all this stuff that i want but i know i probably won't be able to buy even 5% of it. Plus i wouldn't be able to buy it in the size i want. I hate that.

Lately it seems that the more i look around me the more i notice that God is at work all around me. Sometimes He gives me little nudges of hope and relief, and i don't know if it's worse to get these inaudible whispers or to focus on the deafening silence. I never really know if it's just me or if He's really speaking to me. I never know if i should be encouraged or mad because these promises and nudges still deny me fruition, are only attempts to reassure me and get me to hold on for even longer. I hate waiting. I hate the sensation that He is just using me. I want to feel loved again, and comforted, and see with my own eyes the things that--while i know they are true--i cannot see displayed in my life anymore. He's the love of my life and yet it feels like He's turned His back on me. I still struggle to discover how to survive each day, how to serve, how to thrive. I don't know how to stay where i am but i cannot move on. I am in a cage, one not of my making, no matter what others say of it. I am a slave to Him and His will. If it is not His will for deliverance to come at this time i will wait... because i must. Life is not worth living if He is not overflowing it with love and joy.

einstein quotes

"The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives."

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."

"True religion is real living; living with all one's soul, with all one's goodness and righteousness."

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."

"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."

"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."

"God is subtle but He is not malicious."

more and more

and my page rank is...

3

.

.

.

that's rather depressing.

payday finally!

It's amazing how much spending a little money will make me feel better. Unfortunately i usually end up feeling guilty about buy so much for myself, but that hasn't kicked in yet. I made a one-time pledge to K-Love for tithe (it just felt right at the time), payed off my car insurance (until February if i'm not mistaken), and started my Christmas shopping. I finally got my snowboard back fully equipped, as well as a stomp pad (stars that go just right) and gloves that match it and my new jacket. I found a Fox hoody at Ross for $20 (all the hoodies in my Fox wishlist are about $50). And i bought dinner, some hygiene products (read: shampoo and conditioner and deoderant, all necessary), and some hair dye.

The dye i mulled over for a while: i wanted to dye my hair this cool red-orange again about a week ago. I didn't have the money. Then today a fellow acting major said she was going brunette for West Side Story auditions... so i wondered if i should, too. But i want to be a red head for the GoF premiere in particular, and WSS auditions are the Monday after: it's not very good for my hair or cost effective to dye twice so close. I finally just got the red stuff. If i get cast i'll dye my hair dark brown the week of the show, otherwise it will fade into a color that's too light.

One act auditions (sprung on us when they posted it Wednesday) are tomorrow.

I feel blessed but at the same time want to spend even more on myself but know i need to save since Work Study is over and i don't know that i'll be hired at Powderhorn or when my first paycheck would be. And i still have to do more Christmas shopping, i've only got presents for six out of thirteen people, and that doesn't include stocking stuffers or a gift for the "friend" my uncle is bringing along. And what if i have to buy presents for more family members than that? I like to give, but i always feel like my money is gone before i have it.

life verse

When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you.
~ Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)

worked on the scene today

In my acting class i’m doing a scene with two other young women. We asked our teacher to watch our scene outside of class and he sort of jumped all over me. In the scene i’m in an arguement with one girl and she is really quiet and i’m supposed to be telling her to shut up… which totally wasn’t working. Well i felt like i couldn’t let go and yell at her because i was totally overpowering her, but he said the burden is totally on me and basically that i need to stop messing around, making excuses, and go for it. My other scene partner (who has the least to do) said she’s been trying to tell me the same thing. Man, why can’t people just come out and say things without jumping all over me? I’m trying really hard and feel like i’m getting nowhere. I think i can act, but i don’t know if he was so hard on me because he believes that, too, or if i just stink at it. I hate the way it makes me feel to be yelled at like that, too, and i messed up some of my lines in front of him (that i have been trying soooo hard to nail), which he was mad about, too. I don’t know whether to love him or hate him sometimes.

See more progress on: be an actress

stuck in my head

started rubbing sticks together ~ thought a spark would take forever ~ never dreamt this fire would appear ~ when Moses saw the Bush in flames ~ and heard the branches speak his name ~ i wonder if he felt this kind of fear

cuz i'm burnin' ~ yeah, i'm burnin' ~ and i know i'm gonna blister in these flames ~ so i'll stay here ~ til this smoke clears ~ and i'll find You in the ashes that remain

used to be that i could say ~ my faith was one arm's length away ~ from any flame that ever felt too warm ~ asked for matches, but i recieved ~ a gallon full of gasoline ~ now my cozy campfire days are gone

cuz i'm burnin' ~ yeah, i'm burnin' ~ and i know i'm gonna blister in these flames ~ so i'll stay here ~ til this smoke clears ~ and i'll find You in the ashes that remain

"knock with caution at the door" ~ they said "beware of what you're praying for" ~ so i'll stand here with my whole desire ~ in the middle of this forest fire ~ til i've nothing left to show ~ and new life begins to grow...

cuz i'm burnin' ~ yeah, i'm burnin' ~ and i know i'm gonna blister in these flames ~ so i'll stay here ~ til this smoke clears ~ and i'll find You in the ashes that remain
~ Nichole Nordeman "Burnin'"

miracles and morality

On Sunday at Sunday school the class was discussing the changes that are made when one becomes a brand new Christian. The general consensus of the class was that behavioral changes happen gradually. I related how i've met several separate individuals who were drug addicts, alcoholics, smokers, etc., who quit cold turkey once they asked Jesus to take over their lives and fill up the void in their hearts. Everyone else in class seemed to believe that such an event is a miracle, is a rarity. Why do people refuse to admit that God is capable of miracles everyday? Why do they have to be pessimistic and quantify and qualify it as "that rarely happens, that's not normal."

On SVU this week the ep was about racism and nazism. One of the guest stars was J.C. Mackenzie, formerly of Dark Angel, which i found to be surprising as he was one of the main nazis. Then tonight on original L&O the subject was sterilizing drug addicts/abusive parents/women who abuse welfare... without their approval or knowledge. At the end the defending lawyer said that lots of people think that's okay. I don't. One of the women in the ep who couldn't have children anymore had cleaned up her life and was attending college and would never ever be able to have kids. That's heartbreaking.

God is a God of second chances. He's a God of miracles. He's a God that will hear you when you cry out to Him and run--not walk--to your rescue. That's what the Bible tells me to believe. The sin and immorality that was displayed (on some of my favorite TV shows no less) the past couple of weeks has astounded me. Mom cannot comprehend it. I do in a way: people want to live the way they are living, and it really seems that Satan is firmly in control of their hearts, but i don't want to believe that. People look at me like i'm crazy when i tell them i want to go into the entertainment business because it's liberal, immoral, etc., but that's why i need to go there. Someone has to make a difference there.

But my sinful nature and lack of patience is something i struggle with everyday. Should i curse? Should i be waiting or is it really just wasting the time i have on this planet? Today Brittany said to me that i have a lot of anger in me and that i need to let it out for this scene we are doing: but i don't want to let that anger out, i don't want to let it consume or control me. I don't want to give into the fear that Satan is in control and winning because i don't want to believe that it's true. I'm not really an optimist anymore, but i still fight against becoming a pessimist.

I've taken two Jung / Myers-Briggs personality tests lately. I think i'm an INFP: Introverted Intuition Feeling Perceiving. But the strange thing is that the more i read the more i know that i can't be defined by four letters, i'm a bit of all eight. I'm a weird mix between Introverted and Extroverted, between Thinking and Feeling. I'm unique; i use both sides of my brain equally. I'm just trying to figure out who i am, and who God wants me to be. I can't accept that i'm going through the dark for nothing, there must be a reason, something He wants me to learn... otherwise what's the point?

I don't know what to do with my now. Should i stay at Mesa State? Apply to attend Biola? Enlist in the military? Apply to work at Powderhorn? Hitchhike to LA? What? I'm desperate. I don't know what to do. I can't stand to see Satan winning battles (though i know he'll lose the war). I can't stand to notice where God is working and not be a part of it, but i know that's not where He wants me. He's told me where He wants me, promised it to me, but for some reason He seems to want me to wait. "Here am i, Lord, send me," but there is never an answer. Six years, ten months, twenty-two days seems an eternity to me. I'm not patient, i'm not good at waiting, but that's what i've had to do for almost seven years: longer really, because i've wanted to grow up so i could serve God since i was about three.

I chose to highlight INFP because a lot of it fits. I have a kinship with Joan of Arc. I identify with the statements "Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often unhappy childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which, unfortunately, is discouraged . . . by many parents." and "Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful. . .".

Just tonight at dinner my Mom mentioned having "another Drama Queen in the family", and i know she didn't mean to be hurtful, but it was. I feel like my entire life i've been struggling to be the real me yet to satisfy everyone else at the same time. People don't like the real me: i'm offensive, ugly, outlandish, a freak. I still try to hide my differences a lot because there are moments when i want nothing more than to fit in. That's the very opposite of who i am, who i strive to be, but it's still there. I hate being alone: sometimes i need to be, but i don't want it for always.

If God cannot perform miracles everyday how can new life be brought into the world? How can there be healing and forgiveness? How can anyone move mountains, call fire from the sky, walk on water? How can anyone be rescued when they cry out to the God who made them, who knows all their secret dreams and sorrows? I'm tired of people trying to limit God. I'm tired of people trying to limit me. I only want to be who He wants me to be, but who is that? Which way do i go? I have no patience, how am i supposed to get some, and would i be the same person if i did? Would changing be such a bad thing, would losing the old me be so awful? I'm so scared. I want to do His will but i have no idea what that is. I don't know how to get through a single day but i don't want to bail out on Him. I don't want to be alone but i don't want to throw myself at a guy just to get a one night stand. I'm working for eternity, not for the here and now. And yet is it so wrong to want a comfortable life on earth for a while?

I look at magazines and see so many beautiful bodies (sometimes more of them than i think i should) but i think that every one is a work of art. God created those models, knit them together in their mothers' wombs. I feel beautiful but i also feel ugly, lost under 100 pounds of flab. I feel like a genious but i also feel like an idiot because i can't figure out what to do with my life or how to understand my Physics homework.

I just simply don't know what to do. How long must i wait to get beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair,? I read verses like Isaiah 61:3--For the LORD has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory.--and marvel. How am i strong or graceful or glorifying Him?!? I'm such a mess. I try to hide my true hair color, my weight, my body, my shattered heart, my devotion to God, my desires for things that i know others don't approve of, the list goes on...

My goal is to glorify God. My goal is to be used by Him to change the world. My goal is to never be ordinary. My goal is for my heart and soul and body and spirit and life to be made whole.

What else can i say? "Boo hoo, things aren't going my way!"?! All i wanted was to be who God wants me to be, nobody else, even if the means denying myself some things. He's given me so much except for the things i want the most. It feels like He's giving me nothing. I have to remind myself of how much He's done, how much He's pulled me through. I don't want to focus on the storm, i want to focus on Him. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. But i have to believe that God is a God of miracles who can use me no matter what my limitations else what do i have to live for???? Nothing.

cool pic of Mars

drat

There were tons of things that i longed to write here earlier today, and now i can't think of one of them.

spam

what i'm knitting ~ PoA scarf (3/4 of the way through)
what i'm listening to ~ lots of Harry Potter composed by John Williams, lots of K-Love

i have been getting a ton of spam in my inbox at Yahoo Mail lately and i have no idea why.

but this time...

there aren't enough questions to accurately deduce anything imho

princess leia is a fantasy character?!?

(oh, i guess it includes sci-fi characters, too, but i don't know why they made me leia)

PacSun wishlist

Well, i made one, but for some reason i can't figure out a way to view it. Very strange. And Old Navy won't let me create an account: i have an invalid password hint, even though there's nothing wrong with the ones i've made as far as i can tell... d:

i got my jacket today

Megan sent it in the mail! And it fits tighter than i expected for a 2X (i usually wear 1X), which makes it a perfect fit if i'm not wearing any thick layers underneath (besides a blouse or tee). It's thicker than i expected, too, and warm and toasty. Very nice: removable hood, removable fur trim (on hood), 2 way zipper, elastic cuffs inside the cuff (so as to keep out snow), no velcro to catch lint in the wash and dryer, and a soft fleece lining. Check it out at Old Navy.

snowboard update

So i got new bindings this week (finally) only to get them home and realize once again that they were too narrow for my boots (i should have known better than to bring my board home again before making sure the boots fit but the woman said that large bindings should cut it no matter what and i didn't need to bring my boots back). So i take in my board, bindings, boots, etc., and this cute guy is helping me find some bindings that work. And then i notice some marcaroni on the floor. He takes the boot out of one binding and puts it into another. Macaroni is falling out of my boot! And of course he notices, so i have to explain that i have a mouse that is stashing food in random places that i can't seem to get rid of. And now i don't want to take my boots back into my room because he's found a way into the box before, he can do it again, and the last thing i need is my new laces to be chewed. So embarassing. He was really cute and understanding and acted like it was no big deal. Ugh i hate my life sometimes: everytime i'm attracted to someone something happens that makes me look like an idiot or they have to leave unexpectedly. But at least the binding problem is finally cleared up.

oh, and on another note

My sister Megan found me a jacket at Old Navy. I looked it up on the website yesterday but today the website is down again (as it has been for well over a month). Very strange.

updated aeo wish

Yeah, i know, it's late, but it's the weekend! I just updated my American Eagle wishlist. There are several things i really wish i could get. On the jeans i put about two sizes smaller than i am i think... though this past summer there was a pair of capris that i tried on at Hot Topic in the same size that i fit into (it was a tight fit, but not so tight that i wouldn't wear them in public). I really, really wanted those pants, but they were $42 and i simply didn't have the money. That style has been totally sold out for months (it's still in my wish list though). Anyways, i dated it August 11th of next year, around the time i hope to be packing for Biola. Who knows if i'll get anything off my list, but, gotta dream, right? Without hope the people perish.

the leaves are falling!

i have never seen the leaves falling as fast as this year. Many of the trees on campus are already mostly bare. Last week at this time i remember walking around and watching these same trees rain leaves. It was very beautiful. It's been a very colorful fall so far... and a very warm one. I can't wait for some cool weather.

she got it from me

Brinna is now on 43 Things, too.

the Amazing Race

I really want to be on the Amazing Race; have ever since i started watching the show. It looks like fun, and i'd like to give it a try. Unfortunately the two people i would want to go with both can't go because they have young children to care for (namely, my sister Megan and my Mom). Plus both people on the team have to be twenty-one, so my sister Katie is definitely out (she loves watching the Race, too). My mom has suggested i go with my dad, but i think we would probably kill each other. (: So applications should be opening up for AR10 soon and i'm trying to figure out who i could ask to apply with me. I don't have many friends. Brook and i haven't done anything together in a long time. There's that one friend who lives in Hurricane Alley that i haven't heard from since Katrina (nor met before). And my new friend Brittany who obviously only sees me as a school friend (she's not inviting me to Vegas for her upcoming 21st birthday trip with her other friends, for example, which is not a big deal, just indicative of the nature of our friendship). I wish i could invite Debbie, but she's only 18 and i don't really know her. She just sounds so cool on her blog though, like we have a lot in common. But i'm sure that she wouldn't want to get to know or hang out with an old fogie like me. (: What to do? Pray about it, i guess.

from my commonplace book

"For obvious reasons, I never told you about my notebook, with a cover as green as mansions long gone, which I use as a commonplace book, a phrase which here means 'place where I have collected passages from the most important books I have read.' These passages hold some of the most crucial secrets in this sad and flammable world."
~ from Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography

I need to quote more poetry and books. I just got e.e. cummings complete works from the library and haven't even cracked the cover.

Btw, my commonplace book's cover is currently a lime green but i don't even really use it. Other colors i might use inclue orange, dark red, purple, and (most obviously) blue.

Off to bed i guess.

happy photos

The cell phone i have i chose on a whim. I didn't go intending to get one with a camera phone, but that's what i got. I just had two phones to choose from that were virtually the same price and one had a camera while the other didn't. I am so glad. I take photos of the randomest things. I wish i could take more photos but the simple truth is that the camera on my cell phone stinks. Everything is blurry and there isn't enough light. My profile image is probably the best photo i've taken with my cell and it's heavily doctored (i'm good at using Photoshop, so sue me!).

Anyways, i just found two blogs that don't have much content except for lots and lots of pics of happy people. I wish i could join them in a way because they all look like they're having a blast. Here are the links:

Swirls of Thought

God, Hot Wings, and Dr. Pepper

a pathological doodler's blog

Yahoo! Mail log in

Is anyone else glad that Yahoo Mail finally updated the pics on the sign in page?!? In my opinion it was long overdue! The new pics are really neat, too. Happy.

relief

The thing about unloading is that i feel guilty afterwards. I always wish i was stronger. While i'm in one of my funks i feel perfectly justified, but afterwards i feel selfish and selfless all at once. I'm not in control of my life. I don't want to make demands of God. At the same time i don't know how to survive in the place He's put me, let alone thrive.

I've been blessed in so many ways but at the same time i feel like it's not enough. I don't have to have everything, all the latest toys, etc., i just need Him. Why should i feel selfish to want that? I know i don't deserve Him, but i've accepted the gift, i've changed my life and given it to Him. Is it wrong to expect all that He has promised in return?

I've decided that my view of God--no matter what happens or doesn't happen--can not be like in Dogma. God will not die if He doesn't follow through, nor will He cease to be the loving God i grew up walking with. If anyone is wrong, it is me, and He has every right to change His mind if He so chooses. There is nothing that He is incapable of, and that means nothing. I think that's one of the biggest problems with todays society (both the saved and unsaved): we try to put limits on God and tell Him what He can or can not do. That's what i turned my back on when i decided to let go and let God do His will in my life, no matter the personal cost. I don't understand what He's doing, but i have to trust that He has what's best for me at heart.

So i'm sorry if i've been kind of whiny, i just want Satan to give me a break is all. Hanging in there...

well...

I found my calculator in a pocket of my backpack that i had searched repeatedly. x: I guess that's something, isn't it? But scene rehearsal didn't happen (one no show, one left before i could arrive as traffic was really bad so i was a little late). I worked on Physics homework for an hour and still am not finished. Work was exhausting. I don't feel like doing anything but nothing.

anonymity

1. The quality or state of being unknown or unacknowledged.
2. One that is unknown or unacknowledged.

I didn't get paid on Thursday as i was supposed to. The Wednesday before timecards were due i asked my boss if they were available for me to fill out yet and he said no, come back next Monday. I came back Tuesday and could tell right away that i was too late. It doesn't say on there what day the cards were due, but it's due in the morning (at 9 or 10 as i recall), which means they didn't get the cards to my boss until Thursday or Friday but they expected us to fill them out and him to turn them in by Monday morning (as they're due on Monday or Friday morning, depending on the pay period, as far as i have been able to determine). That is insane. Some of us have this little thing going on called school and a big thing going on called homework. That Monday was 10 days before the next paycheck was due, you'd think they could have either gotten the cards to us in a timely manner or set a reasonable deadline for us to turn them in. It wasn't like i could come in on the weekend to fill mine out and i didn't have time on Thursday or Friday to make an extra trip, now would i try when i was told to come back on Monday at the earliest.

But somehow i knew this was going to happen. My entire last paycheck, i was spending a lot of money (for a change) so i could fulfill the requirement of my BMG membership and cancel it. I got eight CDs for under forty bucks (which is definitely a blessing of sorts) and didn't buy myself anything that wasn't necessary: food and gas and $10 worth of yarn (my only other splurge, but right now a necessary stress reliever). I haven't bought any new clothes since last December for crying out loud and am in bad need of some warm clothes and new pants. But i kept telling God that i was am trusting Him to make sure that i get paid on time (because the last thing i want is to have to fall back on my parents again), and i've been trying so hard to be optimistic and not mad at Him and not depressed (even though i'm sick and school is way too much for me to handle with my workload) and what happens? He lets me down. So instead of providing for me i have to be a burden to my parents at a time where i especially want to be on my own so i'm not bothering them with stuff like this. They really don't have the money to spare either because one sister is getting expensive dental work done and another was just tested for a learning disability similar to dyslexia and my brother just had to go the the emergency room and get stitches.

So as soon as i find out that no, i'm not paranoid, i really am getting screwed out of a paycheck, i have to go do a physics lab for two hours. It was all i could do not to cry in the hall as i waited for the teacher to unlock the lab (late, as usual). I was just sitting there, trying to pray, but i couldn't because then the tears and anger would come. I wasn't sobbing, i wasn't trying to vent, but the tears wouldn't stop, they kept rolling down my cheeks. Then i go inside and discover that my nice calculator fell out of my backpack (i think in spanish, but it wasn't in lost+found or the classroom). So i just sit there and try to focus on my work and forget this gaping hole in me that's been ripped open for the upteenth time.

In Church this past Sunday i read in 2 Chorinthins 1:3-7: All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.

So at the beginning of this week i felt encouraged, resigned to doing whatever God's will is for me. And what do i get? I seek His will and He still doesn't show me. I trust Him and He still doesn't come through. I need gas to go to school, i need to pay for my car insurance, i would like to be able to start buying Christmas presents for my family, i would like to be able to buy some hoodies (at Ross if i have to) so i can be warm when i work out in the cold, but do i get any of that? If i weren't living with my parents i would have no food, no shelter, no gas, and probably no clothes. I listen to this wonderful Christian music that speaks about God's unfailing love and then He lets me down again. I go out on a limb because i love Him so much and He cuts the branch out from under me.

How can He be a loving God if He doesn't come running to me when i call, as He promises to do in the Scriptures? How can i reconcile the reality of my life with the reality that i know to be true in the Bible? Either He is lying or my entire life is a lie. "So tired of the straight line ~ that everywhere you turn ~ are vultures and thieves at your back ~ storm keeps on twisting ~ keeps on telling the lies ~ that you make up for all that you lack" (Angel, Sarah McLachlan).



I can't not believe in God. But how is this possible? I have given Him everything, begged Him to show me if i'm sinning, who He wants me to be, what He wants me to do, and there is no answer that i can hear. The one answer He gave me before this darkness began i am now apparently barred from. I have cried out to Him in the dark, begging Him to calm the storm, but He doesn't. I try to accept that, ask Him to give me the strength to get through it, but i don't get strengthened, i get weakened. I just want to love unconditionally, be used to change peoples' lives, to do His will, to take up my cross daily and follow Him, but i don't know how to anymore. I am so paralyzed and bound hand and foot in the dark, that i don't even know how to breathe or cry or hold on anymore because all of these simple actions are a battle in themselves.

I've been playing this game online called Mozaki Blocks. You put blocks in a square. They are different shapes so you try to fit them together like in Tetris. Each side of the square is a different color, and you're trying to get blocks to form bigger blocks and to get from the small square in the center to the wall that is the same color. When you go up a level the colors on the outside change color and if blocks are touching the way they change color, too. But the blocks in the middle, not touching a block touching the outside, they stay the same color. I finally figured out that i needed to build from the outside in instead of the inside out, that way my work wouldn't be ruined every time i got to a new level. But as the levels get higher there are more colors, two to some sides, then two to every side, and it's impossible to get past like level five or six. I think i got to seven once but i didn't even get one or two matches (and by that time you have to make about twenty to advance a level).

I sometimes wonder if God is the cage i'm in. The cage keeps seeming to get smaller and smaller, closing in on me. My voice bounces back, echoes, and i don't want to talk anymore, or cry, i just wish i wasn't me in a way. How can one person feel so much love and pain and betrayal and devotion all in the same moment? But i just wonder: am i building from the inside out or the inside in? Is God the walls holding me in, or is he the square in the center, that perfects the puzzle no matter what color you are? I feel like i'm a jumble of squares that are all in the wrong places, that are touching the wrong walls or blocking the center so i can't make the ends meet.

How do i fix that? I can't. I can only start over. I don't want to start over, i've tried starting over and it doesn't work. Moving to CO didn't help, moving to VA didn't work, moving to NC didn't make things better, and moving back to CO didn't change anything. It doesn't matter what i do, i'm still helpless in the dark. I can't turn my back on God and i can't make Him listen to me. A part of me thinks: if nine years of prayer didn't work, why will ten? I gave up all my hopes and dreams, i did "learn to love the dreams that He has dreamed for me" (I Will Listen, Twila Paris), so why won't He fulfill those dreams? If He doesn't want me to be here then i wish He would move me. If He does want me here i wish He would comfort me, talk to me, use me. So many other people are praying for me, too, why should their prayers go unanswered, too?

I'm not trying to wallow in self pity, or be lazy, i'm humble, i want to be used, i want to work, i want to be blessed and encouraged so i can encourage others. But the encouragements people try to give me seem so hollow now; telling myself the same thing for six years straight (almost seven) has not made it any more true, irs made it less because it still hasn't come true. I hope it hasn't made it less true, but how can i know? Every time i put my hope in God He pushes farther away, farther down.

If He doesn't want me, who does? I've become a fool for Him. I'm twenty-four, single, a virgin's virgin, living with my parents, virtually unemployed, high school dropout, finally going to a state college (when i should have already graduated), can't get cast, can't get to Denver or Las Vegas for an audition, can't get anyone to read her blog without being insulted, can't finish writing a story or book or get published, can't get her wisdom teeth out, can't get contacts or a new pair of glasses, can't lose weight, geeky, lost, loser. I have a snowboard but can't buy gas to get to the slope. I have a car but i can't get its title so i can't get it registered. I probably won't be able to get a job at Powderhorn even if i try.

I just feel like Satan is winning with the whole world. Even if it is a lie... God doesn't talk to me, He doesn't bind Satan, He doesn't do anything that i can see. I'm blind and deaf in the dark, straining to see a flicker, straining to hear a whisper, and the silent dark bears down on me, drowning me. What's so wrong with being depressed when you give everything you have and you're still just out of luck? Not that i believe in luck, but you know what i'm trying to say. (Like anyone is going to read this.)

I feel like i don't exist. I feel like the world is fake, that it exists only to spite me. But i can't not trust God, i can't get out of this myself, i'd be a fool not to go to Him on my knees anyway. He gave everything for me, so i have to do the same, right?

But worst of all, i feel like this hurts my witness. Why would anyone want to be a Christian after reading about what i've been through? Earth seems so much realer than heaven to a lost soul, and i have hell on earth (what is hell if it isn't separation from God?). Why would they want that? Why would they want to be like me? I try to read His Word, and i believe His promises, and i weep because they aren't coming true, being fulfilled, or real in my life anymore. Will they ever be true again? It's hard to remember anything but the dark.

I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be ineffectual. But people don't see me. God ignores me. There's nothing i can do. I can't find Him, run to Him, hear Him. I wait, but i hate it, i hate waiting. How am i to comfort others if the prophecies He gave me don't come true (1 Corinthians 14:1-3)? How am i to love others when the greatest love of my life has been lost? I am helpless without Him, and i refuse to seek help in anyone or anything else. So what in the world am i supposed to do?